Part five: Otaku Belles
SAILOR MOON AIRHEAD
Here it is. Warning: some coarse language and sexual themes...
When we last saw our most distinquished Scouts, they were confronted with a dilemma of explosive planetary consequences. QUEEN Selenite, in desperate need for some Prozac, had stolen the body of Sailor Moon who was left as a plastic KFC give-away. Unfortunately, QUEEN Selenite's new form was reconverting to her natural negative state; and when postive matter collides with anti-matter, you get...well, let's just say an explosion that would make global thermonuclear war seem like a cherry bomb in your mailbox.
The Scouts weren't all too keen on this.
MARS: We're not all too keen on this, Negabozo!
QUEEN: Too bad. At least you'll never be forgotten by your fans, because there won't be anyone left to forget you.
JUPITER: Shit! We're heading towards the biggest bang in history and there's nothing we can do.
MERCURY: Actually, this won't be the biggest--don't forget about the Big Bang.
MARS: And who's that? Darien?
MERCURY: <emberrassed> Well, uh...no! That's not what I meant!
QUEEN: Good-bye, cruel world!!!!
QUEEN Selenite glows brightly, and then the entire planet explodes.
F/X: BOOOOOOOOMMMMMM--PHHHHTT!!!!!!!
SAILOR MOON AIRHEAD - PART FIVE: Otaku Belles
Somewhere in a strange and desolate place, Tuxedo MASK is wandering about aimlessly.
MASK: I must've automatically changed to Tuxedo Mask when I fell through... through?...through that mirror. Where am I? Damn, I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go.
Sailor MERCURY appears.
MASK: Amy! I'm so relieved...what are you doing here?
MERCURY: Standing in front of you?
MASK: No, I mean here <stretches out arms> in this place.
MERCURY: Oh, I'm dead really. We've been sent to Limbo.
MASK: H-how?
MERCURY: Please, let's skip the gory details and talk about something nice instead. There's no need to dwell on the negative, so...Nice weather we're having?
MASK: Amy, please. What's going on?
MERCURY: Shh... don't say anything, just dance with me.
Sailor MERCURY grabs Tuxedo MASK and proceeds to slow dance.
MASK: I'm not a very good limbo dancer...
MERCURY: That's okay. I may be dead but I've still got a heart.
The pair continue their romantic dance together.
MERCURY: I love a man who has inventive uses for the rose.
MASK: Well, you know what they say about the size of a man's rose...
MERCURY: <smiles with eyes closed> Mmmm. A hard man is good to find.
Meanwhile in Negaland, MARINA sits on the throne with her faithful friend, VIRGINIA, at her side. MARINA is chowing down a bowl full of ladybugs.
SFX: Munch, crack, crunch, gulp.
VIRGINIA: Vi et armis, I admonish that you are compelled to assert your cellulite dequantitated comestibles, otherwise...
MARINA: <mouth full> Put the thesaurus away, Virginia. Or your diet may consist of paper and ink.
Out of a glowing portal, a white van pops out and stops before the throne. A uniformed MAN jumps out with a parcel in hand.
MAN: Pretti-later Courier. Special delivery.
MARINA: Ah, it's here!
MARINA grabs the package.
MAN: Uh, miss? You'll have to sign first.
MARINA: Sorry.
MARINA signs and then the delivery MAN pops into his van and drives off, tires squealing. MARINA rips open parcel; inside are two video tapes.
MARINA: At last! The Movie Maker 2000's raw footage. Is the evil agent of perversion here yet?
Out of the shadows, a mysterious figure approaches the throne. He looks like a normal man wearing a navy blue suit.
MARINA: Carl Macek, I have an important mission. Do not fail me, understood?
CARL: <bows obsequiously> Yes, your higness.
MARINA: I want you to re-edit this video into a show that resembles--but remotely--like Sailor Moon. By no accounts can it have the original plot, nor can it be likeable. All of its charm must be drained out!
CARL: Understood. I will do a better job than even the Evil DiC Empire.
CARL turns to leave.
MARINA: Oh, and Carl?
CARL: Yes, m'lord?
MARINA: Feel free to mix in other tv series into this putrid Sailor stew. Y'know--just for laughs!
CARL: <grins> Yes....
MARINA: Sailor Moon will be cancelled--into oblivion!
In a dark corner, FRED is watching with trepidation.
FRED: This is terrible. I must escape.
GREG wakes up in his bed, sweating. He had just had a dream where the Scouts had a fight with Queen Selenite and the whole world exploded.
GREG: Thank God, it was a dream. Most dreams with Sailor Mercury are explosive, but this one takes the cake.
GREG feels around his bed.
GREG: Hmm, still dry too. That does it. It must be a premonition. I'd better warn the Scouts of impending disaster...and maybe get an autograph or too.
GREG rushes out of his home.
MARS: give her an inch and she thinks she's a ruler!
MERCURY: Watch out. Her molecules are as unstable as Yugoslavia, except in this case, the balkanization of her body would mean world anhilation!
JUPITER: I guess that would mean no dates on a Saturday night? JUPITER-- RIDE THE LIGHTNING--POWER CHORRRRRDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!
QUEEN Selenite pulls out her Sony Walkman which is zapped by the bolt.
QUEEN: Thanks for recharging the batteries. Does the Moon Kingdom pay for your hydro?
QUEEN Selenite pulls out a hair dryer.
QUEEN: BEAUTY-SALON-HAIR-DRYER--BLOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Engulfed by a blast of intense hot air, Sailor JUPITER falls with a thundering crash.
F/X: B'BOOOOOM!!!
VENUS: Wow! Did you break all the bones in your body, or what?
JUPITER: <rubbing her heinie> Not one.
VENUS: You mean you made that terrible noise for nothing?
JUPITER: <towards Queen Selenite> All right, Negabitch. To crush you, I'd move heaven and earth to...
QUEEN: Try heaven--you already moved most of the earth. Ha ha haaaa!
Meanwhile at MELVIN's home, the computer whiz/nerd and mascot for 'net surfers is admiring his Sailor Mercury doll when a strange glow begins to radiate around it.
MELVIN: That's it. No more late nights discussing the sex lives of trout at #nolife on IRC.
The doll comes to life and begins to strangle MELVIN.
MELVIN: AAhhh! Urk, this is a big thrill!
MELVIN's form changes into that of FRED, overweight and wearing his Sailor Cancer t-shirt.
FRED: I must bring the Qeen home to stop Marina's scheme.
Picking up a small mirror, he leaves. The only thing around to observe his departure is a Melvin doll.
Back to the fight.
MERCURY: We must stop the insanity!
MARS: Where's Susan Powter when you need'er?
QUEEN: Say, where's crater-face? I was hoping to burst her bubble. Oh well, no bother.
MARS: She can't see a belt without hitting below it.
Sailor MARS throws one of her talismans.
MARS: MAAAAARRRSSS--FLY-PAPER...WITH--FUNNY--SYMBOLS--ALL-OVER--IIIITTT!!!*
*(patent pending)
The Mars Fly-Paper with funny symbols all over it had no effect.
QUEEN: What's the matter, have something against the monarchy?
VENUS: Up chuck and die! VENUS--HALLMARK-VALENTINE'S-CARD--UNFOOOLLLLLD!!
Hundreds of red carboard hearts flap, like birds, at QUEEN Selenite.
QUEEN: <covering her face> Aargh! Paper cuts!
Sailor Jupiter pounces on the QUEEN and gives her a mighty slug on the kisser.
QUEEN: <reeling from the blow> You fight like a girl!
MERCURY: Isn't Tuxedo Mask supposed to show up to save us all?
Meanwhile in Limbo, Sailor MERCURY pulls Tuxedo MASK's head close to hers.
MERCURY: One final request before I pass on to the next plane?
MASK: Y-you're leaving me?
MERCURY: No offence. That's the way it is.<tenderly with tears in her eyes> Please... kiss me.
They embrace for a final, passionate kiss. Ten minutes later, their lips unlock and Tuxedo MASK falls to the ground.
MASK: <paralyzed> What? I can't...move!
Sailor MERCURY just laughs the most demonic laugh that you couldn't imagine sweet Amy doing.
MASK: What have you done to me?
MERCURY: Mercury poisoning.
MASK: Wh-why???
Her form shifts until in returns as Sailor MOON.
MOON: You enemy of women, molester of innocent girl's hearts! You use love as a tool to get sex...
MASK: Will you follow the example of your head and come to a point?
MOON: <begins to sob> Aren't we destined to be together? Forever?
MASK: You know I treasure every moment when I'm without you...
MOON: But why Amy? How could you chase after that prissy know-it-all who is aroused by the word 'school'? We're destined to be joined; Any other way would ruin the whole point of this series!
MASK: But I'd never have sex with any girl who had so little regard for my girlfriend.
MOON: <darkly> So long, Darien. And please send me a postcard from Hell, will you?
Sailor Moon fades away.
MASK: What do you mean?
A mob of rabid Hippies appear carrying placards and banners spouting anit-Tuxedo Mask slogans, such as 'cruelty to roses' and 'Prune Tuxedo Mask'.
Chanting: 'Save the rose our righteous task Let's destroy Tuxedo Mask'
MASK: But I believe in Flower Power!
HIPPIE1: You murder roses in the prime of their life!
HIPPIE2: Yeah, let's kill the murderer!
HIPPIE3: We'll use your remains as fertilizer, Cape Boy.
MASK: No! Damn herbivores! Hypocrites!
The HIPPIES swarm around Tuxedo MASK.
MASK: Can't...keep...conscious...
Everything goes black.
INTERMISSION: The first Negaland Sailor Moon episode is aired.
----------------------------------------------------------------
At some gothic cathedral that is the base of NEPHLYTE's activities...
NEPHLYTE: The stars know everything, and all that jazz...Who'll be the next victim in my plan? <a vision forms> Ah! The girl, Serena--Molly's friend! Who coulda guessed!
In a swirl of flower petals, ZOYCITE appears.
ZOYCITE: Ha ha ha haaa. Didn't know you were a pedaphile, like those too-old-for-Sailor-Moon-fanboys?
NEPHLYTE: Sticks and stones may break my bones but your petty insults are useless on me, creature!
ZOYCITE: Is that so, you bloody Hetero! You freak of nature!!! <promptly vanishes>
NEPHLYTE: <tears in eyes> Why can't they understand that heterosexuals are people too? <smiles> I hope Molly is free tonight.
Outside the TV screen, a very pregnant MOLLY is watching the show with interest.
MOLLY: They don't die; they live on in TV reruns. <sigh>
MOLLY cradles her NEPHLYTE doll.
Back on TV, MINA and LITA are out picnicking in the mountains.
MINA: A stitch in time is worth two in the bush. Say, why don't we get any action?
LITA: We don't get to appear yet as Scouts so we get this crummy cameo.
MINA: <looks up and takes a deep breath> Ah! The fresh mountain air.
LITA: Wanna cigarette?
MINA: Thanks! Love one!
Nearby other are sitting out, puffing cigars and enjoying the air.
Cut to scene, later on in program.
SERENA: Don't stop me!
RAYE: But we must. <slaps Serena> You can't continue living like this.
AMY: Yes, you must rid yourself of this awful addiction. It's affecting your school life.
RAYE: <slaps Serena> And your friends.
SERENA: <punches Raye> Fuck off!!! I must have it! Please let me!!!
AMY: Can't you see how much you've changed?
SERENA: You're a fuckin' prude! The only orgasm you get is when you pull out your stupid library card!
RAYE: Serena! <slaps Serena> Must get help. We'll help you get over the pains of withdrawal.
SERENA: NO! Gotta...have...COFFEE!!!!
RAYE gives up and pulls out an over-sized sledgehammer.
Cut to later scene.
MARS: someone is robbing a bank!
MERCURY: Why bother? It's not our job.
MOON: <drooling like an idiot> Huh?
MERCURY: We only go after youmas and more important villains. These thugs aren't worth our time.
MOON: <glazed look> Uh-huh...?
MARS: You're right. And I don't want any extraneus scratches on my precious leotard.
Cut to final scene against Nephlyte, skipping all that repetitive transformation scene nonsense. Oh heck, we'll skip the fight scene too.
MOON: <recovering> So Nephlyte's dead?
MARS: Yeah, but I didn't know he was in love with Molly. Wish I knew before I fried his balls off. Well, at least you're cured now.
MERCURY: Turns out Nephlyte tricked you into drinking coffee.
MOON: Oh! That's why my drinking cup had that weird symbol on it? From now on, I'll stick to green tea.
MARS: I'm so sorry that we treated you so roughly.
MOON: Hey, that's what friend's are for.
Sailor decrees:
Today, we learned that the villain Nephlite was an okay guy. Remember, if *your* boyfriend is a real jerk, he may still be redeemable. He may slap you around and treat you like dirt, but deep down he's a decent guy--all you have to do is change him! So stick with him. Sailor Moon decrees. Or die. Hee Hee.
Outside TV, MOLLY smiles.
MOLLY: I love these postive messages for women! Oh! Ohhhh!!!
MOLLY collapses to the floor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now back to our regularily scheduled story. We return to witness QUEEN Selenite as her body decays back into anti-matter. Will Greg's horrific dream come true?
GREG: <thinks> Oh no! It may be too late! <outloud> Amy!
MERCURY: Greg? What are you doing here?
GREG: Sacrificing myslef for your love!
MARS: <gagging> I'm gonna hurl!
Suddenly, FRED appears and he and GREG charge towards the QUEEN in opposing directions. On collision, there is a big explosion.
SFX: BOOOOOMMM--PHHHHH!!! Snap, crackle, pop.
As the dust clears, the Scouts see that FRED stands alone, dropping a shattered mirror to the ground.
VENUS: Oh, Amy. I'm sorry about Greg.
MERCURY: No sweat. It's all right!
JUPITER: Huh? Wasn't he your lover at one time?
MERCURY: Alas, nothing could happen between us. He complained that I was too cold.
MARS: Don't you mean frigid? Anyway, he was still a nice guy.
MERCURY: Yes, but nice guys are boring. I'd like a boyfriend who is a little dangerous--like Darien. You know, every rose has its thorn. I'm tired of beeing the poster-girl for brainiacs; I'm tired of being called a creep by the other girls. I'm pretty, and I want to be popular. I'll be changing my image--I'm going to have my nipples pierced and ride a Harley!
JUPITER: <nonchalant> Been there. Done that.
FRED gets impatient, so he finally interrupts the Scouts.
FRED: I am Fred the Otaku and I know everything about you!
The Scouts continue to ponder the death of Greg.
FRED: BOO!
No reaction from the Scouts.
FRED: Um, let's try that again. BOO?
Sweat drops form on the back of the Scouts' heads.
VENUS: <disinterested> Hmm? uh-hmm.
FRED: <in a panic> Fight me, PLEASE!
JUPITER: You? HA HA HAAA HAAAAA!!! Gasp! Ha haa...Can't breathe...ha haa...laughing...ha haa...too hard! Ha hURK!
JUPITER passes out.
MARS: Sailor Jupiter! You'll pay for this, fanboy!
VENUS: Geek.
JUPITER: Loser.
MERCURY: Anal-retentive moron!
FRED: How dare you blaspheme Otakudom.
He pulls out what would appear to be those Sailor Moon finger puppets but these are large enough for his fists, and so he puts them on.
FRED: SAILOR-MERCHANDISE--POWER-PUUUUUNNNNCHHH!!!!
He gives Sailor MERCURY a One-Two punch which sends her flying.
FRED: Oooh! Pantyshot (tm).
MARS: We're wearing leotards, you moron! You get excited whenener an ice-skater's skirt twirls up? You're pathetic!!
VENUS: I dunno. I think that's kinda cute. Tee hee.
JUPITER: Are you all right, Mercury?
MERCURY: <eyes closed> "I'm not home right now, please leave a message...BEEEEEP."
SKULD and KENJI sit at a parkbench.
KENJI: I'm glad we're such good friends.
SKULD: But it's all doomed to fail.
KENJI: Wha? You're so sure because you're the goddess of the future?
SKULD: Heck, no! You haven't read Meta-Matics by the same author as SM Airhead, have you?
KENJI: That's a shameless plug!
MARS: Why are you fighting us?
FRED: I haven't attacked you since I think you're real swell. Plus, I have a fetish for high heels.
MARS: You've got a fine personality--but not for a human being!
FRED: Satanline's Video is coming to ruin all my Queen's plans. Carl Macek must die!
MERCURY: But how is killing us going to accomplish your goal?
FRED: Uh, practice? Look. Carl Macek will change everything. I only wanted my Queen to rule the world--not do something so utterly EVIL!!!
JUPITER: You're not making much sense.
MERCURY: MERCURY--WENDY'S-RESTAURANT-CHOCOLATE--FROSSSSTYYYYY!!!!
FRED is covered in ice cream, staining his clothes.
FRED: Hey! That shirt was worth a lot of a money. Sob!
He pulls off his soaked shirt and shivers. He tries to dry himself.
JUPITER: He's got bigger breasts than Mercury.
FRED: I WANT MY MOMMMMMYYYY!!!!!!!!
FRED runs off in tears.
MARS: That's that, I guess. Now what'll we do?
VENUS: We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
JUPITER/MARS/MERCURY: Mina!!!!
THE END
SAILOR SEZ: Sailor Venus here! Do you like guys? Aren't they cute? Oh, anyways, if you love something, treat it well. No need to get all so obsessive about it like some drooling fanboy. Just remember that if you find yourself discussing SM with your shrink, you may have crossed that obsessive-compulsive line. Y'know, when you have to recite dialogue before bedtime, you have a need to wash yourself before touching your revered SM merchandise, you legally change your name to Serena--and you're a guy! If you absolutely have to be obsessed with something, make it *me*, Mina! Sailor Venus says! <giggle-giggle>
PS from Sailor Mars: I sense a dramatic two-parter finale coming up. This vision isn't clear, but I'm sure it's a biggie-- Unless DiC gets to it, and butchers it into an ineffectual single episode, first!
