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EXILED ON MAIN STREET #8

eZine lover (@eZine)

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Exiled on main street

· 3 hours ago

Those who believe
In death have their
Worship cut out for them.
As for myself, we
Continue.

- W.S. Merwin

NOT FOR YOU

Write the following smack-dab in the middle of your quiet November weekend...

Here's how to have fun on a Friday night: drink five cups of coffee while working on yer zine (half of that time is spent surfing the Net for hockey scores) and then slam a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi before going out. Head to First Avenue, use your comp pass to get in the front door and then pay only two bucks to crossover to the Entry. Say to yourself, hey I'm a crossover act! Remind yourself not to say stupid things to yourself. Watch new heroes Lifter Puller kick out a dynamite show. Tell yourself to buy their new CD tomorrow. Thirsty and still buzzing on coffeine, go back to the mainroom to grab a Diet Coke because in your hyper-accelerated mind you thought that a Diet Coke would have no caffeine. Order the soda with a slice of lime in it. Think it silly, yes, but not as silly as those prettyboys in the Entry with their Premiums with the lime in them - a move you and your pals pulled back in Whitey's (sigh) in East Grand Forks back in the mid-eighties and called it a "Green Preem.") Watch Rank Strangers put on a solid show. Laugh along with the band when somebody yells "cheesy cover!" towards the end of their set. Hope that "cheesy cover!" becomes the mantra for wisecracking clubgoers in the next millenium instead of "Free Bird!" Recall that Soundgarden actually did a part of "Free Bird" years ago in the Whole.

On Saturday: pass yer emissions test (woo hoo!) and then drive around ostensibly to run errands. Realize you only have one check blank on you so you of course spend it at the Electric Fetus on the Lifter Puller CD. Worry that the disc (titled Half Dead and Dynamite - remind yourself to say this phrase to people when they ask how you're doing) might be great and then you might have to again rewrite the Sleater-Kinney piece in yer zine. Realize that is a pretty dumb thing to worry about. Go home to wrap the zine. See that on the windshield of your neighbor's car somebody wrote "ELVIS" in the snow covering the windshield. Cheer this loudly.

H. CHIC

When I rented Trainspotting there was a sticker on the tape that said "Recommend This Hit to Friends!"

I LIKE IT WAY WAY TOO LOUD

Oops. So yeah, maybe I did say that Whiskeytown had my album of the year so far. That still may be the case, but Sleater-Kinney's Dig Me Out is by far the better rock 'n' roll record. Hearing Janet Weiss‚ drumming (some of the best you'll hear on any album this year or decade) drove that point home for me. Whiskeytown sounds haunting when they stay in their winsome alt.country mode, but sound weaker when they try to speed things up. No matter what speed, Sleater-Kinney goes for broke. Whiskeytown's Ryan Adams is a talented songwriter who sounds older than his twenty-two years. Sleater-Kinney's members are about the same age and act it. Fuck tradition, let's kickstart the party or if we're not invited - crash it.

When Whiskeytown writes a cliché, it clinks clumsily (like "Excuse Me While I Break My Own Heart"); but when Sleater-Kinney deals in clichés they come out as anthems. A song titled "Turn It On", comes on with dual guitar attack, tambourine, handclaps, lost-in-it vocals, and when Corin Tucker whisperscreams (you have to hear her sing to know what I mean) "you can turn it on turn it on," you feel that you want to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING THERE.

We need anthems in a year like this. The airwaves are being gobbled up and marginalized by Corporate America as a bunch of putzes wearing suits and sitting in skyscraper suites decide what you want to hear because you are of a certain age, sex, and income. The likes of the Eagles are named to be among Rock's Elite, while Earth, Wind, & Fire and the Stooges are left out in the cold. (And who's more rock 'n' roll: Glenn Frey or Iggy Pop? Oh wait - silly me...the top rock 'n' roll songs ever are "Johnny B. Goode", "Louie Louie", "Everyday People", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", and "NEW KID IN TOWN"!!!!)

Like Whiskeytown, Sleater-Kinney makes great music. But they also make a difference. And that is why Dig Me Out is my Album of the Year (So Far), at least until the next issue of this rag comes out and/or the year ends. The best thought is that Sleater-Kinney will only get better.

MICHIGAN TECH: LAST IN GAMES, FIRST IN NAMES

Nothing like a good hockey player name, so here's this season's All-WCHA Name Team. These guys get placed on the team solely on the sound of their names. For best effect, read these out loud.

FIRST TEAM
F Andre Savage - Michigan Tech
F Lubos Krajcovic - Michigan Tech
F Sacha Molin - St. Cloud State
D Laird Lidster - Minnesota-Duluth
D Miles Van Tassel - Michigan Tech
G Colin Zulianello - Colorado College
SECOND TEAM
F Cam Kryway - Colorado College
F Rico Pagel - Minnesota
F Aaron Miskovich - Minnesota
D Duvie Westcott - Alaska-Anchorage
D Marc Charbonneau - Alaska-Anchorage
G Anders Eisner - Denver

The coach? George Gwozdecky from Denver University, of course.

HALL OF SHAME

I was always on the fence when it came to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. On one hand, artists should be honored, rock 'n' roll is an important part of American culture, etc. On the other hand, it seems kinda dumb: rockers onstage in tuxes, and how do you capture The Moment in a museum? The Moment is the essence of rock 'n' roll ... I mean, Bob Dylan has put out dozens of albums, many of them great - but are they truly more important than great one-hits like "Psychotic Reaction" and "Louie Louie"? Are all those Major Artists who sell out stadiums and hockey arenas ultimately more important than the scruffy garage band raising hell down at your local dive bar?

Well, all my questions about the Hall of Fame have been made moot. Fleetwood Mac and the Eagles are to be inducted. No doubt they will be enshrined in the Mellow West Coast Wing of the Hall. With Linda Ronstadt and Poco to follow soon. Fuckin A...

WALKING CONTRADICTION

Watching the World Series, I thought about how stoopid and racist the Cleveland Indians‚ Chief Wahoo logo is. The next weekend I sat in Mariucci Arena cheering for the Fighting Sioux and contemplated seeing that new Neil Young and Crazy Horse movie the next day.

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO BACK
FROM WHERE YOU CAME

My Sleeper Hatchback failed its emissions test, which means until I get it repaired and it passes, I don't get my vehicle registration renewed. Talking to myself while driving home from the testing center, I jumped from being reactionary conservative ("get the government off of our
backs! - it's my right as an American to pollute the air with a defective exhaust system!") to bleeding-heart granola ("I'm ashamed to have been contaminating my Mother's air for this long...") By the time I had dropped off the Sleeper at the shop and they called me at work ("it failed the scope test, Bill, we're gonna run the computer diagnosis on it and then slip in a J valve and hope that works - it'll cost ya 'bout another five cases of beer's worth...) three different times with the news getting worse every time, I contemplated parking the Sleeper on the front lawn of my building and selling sledgehammer shots to it at five bucks a pop and then throwing a big kegger party on the remains of my glorified Escort.

You know, I had hoped to just drop one Ben Franklin at the garage, maybe even scrounge up enough money from my paycheck to pay the bill in cash (when paying, cash always brings a better feeling than a check, slapping down that green with authority is fun), but no, I got stuck with a big ol' charge to the Mastercard. Oh well.

What I did in this situation is of course spend more money. Nothing extravagant, just a couple of beers and a burger at the CC Club. When done, I strolled out of the CC thankfully sober. It was a Friday and all, but writing always preempts fucking things up these days. I realized I had read my bus schedule wrong and no bus would be around to greet me soon. I stared at the record store across the street, Oar Folkjokeopus, with the Dylan posters in the windows thinking no you shouldn't...but you deserve it ...but what's wrong with just listening to what you've got in all those stacks at home... nothing wrong with looking around the store a little - practice what you preach m'boy: support your local indie record stores!

Nothing like a dingy record store on a rainy Friday night. Oar Folkjokeopus has zines and used CDs and they were playing some mean Delta blues on the sound system. I looked for the Matador compilation - What's Up Matador - and found it for $7.89 (that's for two CDs folks, you need further proof that CDs are way overpriced by the industry?) Score! I joked around with the punk cashier, debated walking home, caught an immediate bus and upon my arrival home, I popped in Railroad Jerk's "One Step Forward", cracked a Schlitz, and wrote the above. By the way - "One Step Forward" is a great song. Four-on-the-floor drumming, garage guitar, catchy-as-hell nonsense backing vocals, frantic harmonica, cheesy organ, and deadpan hipster vocals. In other words: Dylan of '65 all over again.

POETRY BY PAULA BELMONT

people muttering 'the market'

it's dropping

with heads bowed
on their knees
they know this

on the news,
a bunch of
rich
white
men

car phones
suits
attitudes

losing money

unless this affects the price
of a burger or candy bars
i say
let 'em lose

THE WHO (AMONG OTHER OLDSTERS)
SELL OUT ONCE AGAIN

I was sitting at home watching TV one night and some car commercial came on with "I Can't Explain" as the music. What: is Pete broke again? Wait a minute - they were just around flogging Quadrophenia a while back. As my brother said: "They've beat Tommy to death, and they're doing it to Quadrophenia - time for Townshend to dust off that Lifehouse project..."

Then the next night there was some Microsoft commercial with David Bowie's "Heroes" as the music. Great, one of the few Bowie songs that shows genuine emotion and the washed- up- has- been- for- at- least- fifteen- years has to ruin it.

Note to Microsoft: business people - even if they're "corporate mavericks" - are not heroes. Business people are and always will be Ward Cleaver.

ELECTED

When I voted for the mayor of Minneapolis, I wrote in "William P. Tuomala." Not just a protest vote, mind you, I'd make a damn fine mayor. I can see those headlines already...

TUOMALA ELECTED MAYOR
Hicks to be County Milk Commissioner

CITY OFFICES RELOCATED TO FIRST AVENUE AND SEVENTH STREET

TUOMALA TO CARLSON, POHLAD: 'BITE ME'
100 Million to Subsidize Clubgoers Cover and Parking through Year 2010

MAYOR JOINS LOCAL SAUNA PROTEST
'Say It Right' He Demands

TUOMALA TO COLEMAN:
'TRADE YOU TARGET SKYSCRAPER FOR TURF CLUB, HUNGRY MIND'

TUOMALA PLEADS SUNDAY OFFSALE TO LEGISLATURE
'N.Dakota is Mocking Us'

'MATS

Listening to the new Replacements compilation sure triggered the memories...

I started to get into this band around the time Tim was released. I had first heard/saw them a few months before Let It Be came out and hated them, but that is another story. It took a few months of coercing by the boys at the Pleasure Palace (friends of mine rented a house and called it that) for me to listen to these guys with an open mind. It was at one of their parties that Tim was put in to the delight of the Palace regulars. Something's going on here, and I don't know what it is, I thought to myself. So while everyone was in the middle of the room dancing and singing, I headed for my familiar territory of grabbing a corner in which to study the album's photos, credits, and track listings.

While people danced around to "Waitress in the Sky", which I could have sworn was a cover (I was probably thinking it was a version of "Mountain of Love"), I scanned the track titles of Tim. I thought "Little Mascara" might be a New York Dolls tune, and was bummed to find out it wasn't about men wearing makeup, although the line "play makeup / wear a guitar" does appear in "Left of the Dial."

Twas at one of these Palace Parties that Gary and Bob, in the definition of "college try" both pulled their cars onto the lawn, opened all their doors and trunks, and blasted their car stereos at loud volumes, each trying to start their Tim tape at the same time so that we could all hear it in "dual quadraphonic sound."

This may have been the same party where some of the guys got in trouble with the cops for drinking beer on the sidewalk (public property, you know) or it could have been the one where the frisbee was being thrown across Washington Avenue and its four lanes of traffic, which brought the police also. I'm not sure if it was Tim's "Swingin Party" ("bring your own lampshade, somewhere there's a party") that brought Bob to actually wear a lampshade while in the Palace living room, but it is safe to say that that was the first - and come to think of it only - time I ever saw someone do that and I'd like to think that the 'Mats were the soundtrack to it.

Anyway, you 'Mats fans out there should check out this comp. The booklet - chock full of stories by fans and friends - is a refreshing change of pace from most comps where you have to read some essay stating the case for the Artist's Claim to Historic Greatness. You may have the first disc's tunes already, but the second one is all rarities. Now that we're all grownup it's probably safe for us to hear a song titled "Beer for Breakfast." If you do crack one to start the day, be sure to have it on the nearest sidewalk.

CLASS

Alright, I cheapshot the Gopher men's hockey program in these pages all the time. I have fun doing it, and most of the time I'm right. But no shots this issue - I think it should be noted that the UM hockey program donated $10,000 to help pay for repairing flood damage to UND's arena. This was a totally classy move - also classy was the applause of the Gopher faithful at Mariucci Arena when the check was presented. But I'm assuming this doesn't mean that the Sioux have to be nice to the Gopher team when they visit next February...

ENDING SALVO

Metallica's Re-Load is coming out on November 18 (I might have to leave work early to get it) and rumor has it that it will be as good as or maybe better than Load. It's actually enjoyable listening to the competing hard rock stations in town as they each seem to be trying to play more Met than the other. Metallica has never let me down. Their weakest album (aside from their first which was musically historic but lyrically wasn't there yet) ...And Justice for All lost the bass in the mix and actually may have erred on the side of being too brainy. I love bringing up The Mighty Met in my zine and conversations partly because I tend to get vicious correspondence and remarks from people, who feel hurt I guess (why: because I dig a great band and because said band plays - gasp - metal?) and want me to act more grownup (sorry - no Fleetwood Fucking Mac for me, folks) or something. Well get your pens ready, babies, because I said it before and I'll say it again: Metallica is one of the best, most important, most influential bands of the last twenty years. Bring Re-Load and your love letters on...

INFO

Everything written by me, except where noted.

In an attempt to break even, print readers are paying $1.00 for each issue ($4.00 for five issues.) This is going out free to you email and fax readers as there are no postage or photocopying costs. However, cash donations are glady accepted.