The Adventures of the Tiny Terror
From: seryndptie@aol.com (Seryndptie)
This #Fanfic is rated PG13. Thomas, Puck, Valentine & La Roche are characters of Sheila's comic-"Borderlands"
The Adventures of the Tiny Terror and the Big Bitch in the Realm of the Four Gods
PART ONE By Sheila Tequila (the Tiny Terror) and Leah Kindsey (the Big Bitch)
The Tiny Terror and the Big Bitch sit in the Ladue school library, which is patrolled by insane Nazi librarians. The Big Bitch crouches over the only copy of the Riverfront Times like it's her first born child. The Tiny Terror hangs upside down from her seat.
T: (whining)Kindsey-c'mon. Lemme at least read the K-chronicles. I'll give 'em right back.
B: (growls)
T: O.K., can I read the editorial on solving the stray animal problem with trash compactors?
B: (considers it, then growls again)
T: (pouting)Fine! Bootyhead! I'll just go find a book to read!
(She wanders off into the bookshelves. She tries to find the fiction section to see if they have a copy of Swordspoint-not bloody likely!-but, seeing as she has the directional capabilities of our dear Mr. Hibiki, ends up in the mythology section instead.)
T: (looking around)This doesn't look like science fiction! There's nary a Mercedes Lackey book in sight! (A book falls on her head. According to her Finding Books in the Library Rules-it's rule #007, by the way-if a book falls on her head, it's a sign she has to read it. She looks at the cover.)
T: Mythology of Ancient China. Hmm...that sounds grippingly-boring. Oh, well, maybe Kindsey'll want it and I can finally get my hands on that copy of the Riverfront Times. Heh, heh, heh. (She returns to her table. The Big Bitch looks up and claws the air threateningly.)
T: (holds up the book)Check this out, Kindsey! You like mythology, right?
(The Big Bitch regains a semblance of human normality. In fact, she goes into hyperdrive.)
B: Yup!(bounces up and down in her seat) What is it? The Mabinogion?! Ancient Greek Temptresses and the Men Who-Er Loved Them?! The Mythes, Folktales, and Other Annoyances of the Counterweight Continent?! Gimme gimme gimme!
(The Tiny Terror gives her the book, then snatches the RFT while she's salivating over it.)
T: Ha, ha, ha! At last, it is mine!
(Several students look at her, irritated to be interrupted in their studies-it could happen! A library Nazi pops out of nowhere.)
L.N.: (bops the defenseless Terror over the head with a stapler) Ach tung! Quiet, worthless student type person! Obey or I will suck your life force from you to prolong my own pitiful life!
T: No, no, anything but that!
L.N.: Or I will hang you by your toes and tickle your knees!
T:(cringing)Oh save me, save me!
L.N.: (brandishing the stapler)I will let you off this time! But next time you will not be so lucky! We have ways of keeping you from talking!
(She strides back to her desk and instantly becomes camouflaged in the weird way that librarians do.)
B: O.K., let's look at this book!
T: (still shaken)SHH! They could still be listening! They could be anywhere! (Points at the Big Bitch.) YOU could be one of them! (Points at some guy at another table.) Or YOU! (Points at the reader.) Or YOU!(Suddenly gets a wild case of the Creeping Matts**The Creeping Matts are similar to the Finsterwallies. If you don't know what the Finsterwallies are, I can't explain it..**)
B: (patting her hand)Calm down, just calm down. (The Tiny Terror subsides a little.) Good girl. Now, let's read this book, O.K.?
T: (nodding)'Kay.
(They open the book. A bright light surrounds them.)
T: They've got me! The library Nazis have got me!
B: What the-
(The Big Bitch's foul-mouthed comment is cut off by a loud WHOOSH of wind. The Tiny Terror and the Big Bitch are sucked into a glowing maelstrom.)
T: This is worse than the Egg Roll! I want my Ewan!!
B: Who says he's /your/ Ewan?!
T: I says!
B: Wanna fight me?!
T: No, no, wrong parody, Kindsey! We did that last time, remember? And, if I'm not mistaken, I won!
B: You didn't win! It was a tie! We were interrupted by something, I can't remember what cause I only read the stupid thing once to make you happy! But definitely we were interrupted by something!
T: Well, if your memory's so bad, maybe I /did/ win and you just don't remember!
B: If you won, it's only cause you wrote the damn story! I can kick your butt in real life! (She demonstrates by hitting Sheila over the head with a handy blunt object, possibly Matt.)
T: Hey, how come I keep getting hit on the head?!
B: It's just right at hitting level. It's just right there. You gotta hit it.
M: Kindsey, man, put me down. I gotta go have some coffee, man, yeah. Yeah, and I gotta go bitch about art and rub grease in my hair, yeah.
T: Can't you stay long enough to not understand my jokes and make crabby faces at me?
M: What are you talking about? (Makes a crabby face.)
T: (satisfied)You may go.
(Matt wanders off, unaware he is in a glowing maelstrom. The Tiny Terror and the Big Bitch are sucked downwards. They land.)
T: Oh, my aching asusi!
B: (looking around)Where the hell are we?!
Apparently, Miss Big Bitch, you and your friend are in a grassy meadow.
T: Who cares where we are? We're out of school! (does a stupid little dance) Boogie woogie!
B: Don't dance, Tequila, someone might see you.
T: (dances harder)
B: Really, you're embarrassing me!
T: (busts into a full fledged Russian high kick)
B: Oh my gawd, who is that like totally hot babe?!
T: Why are you suddenly a Valley girl?
(The Big Bitch turns the Tiny Terror's head so she sees what the Big Bitch is seeing. A tall, teal haired young man sits on a rock, counting money. He is dramatically outlined by the sun behind him.)
T: WHOA! Look at-all that money!
B: (gestures frantically)And the GUY?!
T: Oh, yeah. He's kinda cute.
B: (grabs the Terror's arm, drags her towards the guy *sweetness and light voice*)Excuse me sir, do you have the time?(Smiles cutely. A freakin' halo appears above her head. The guy looks up. The Big Bitch is drowned in his beautiful, shining blue eyes-eyes that seem to see down to her very soul, to-)
T:EEEEEEE!(The guy and the Big Bitch look around, startled.)Ohmygodwhattahottie!(The Tiny Terror jumps up and down, clapping her hands. The Big Bitch and the teal boy turn around to see, silhouetted against the sun-how unoriginal!-an orange haired god. A man with hair as flaming as-don't say it Kindsey, I know you want to-the sun behind him, his gold eyes afire, his gorgeous-
B: Get on with the story, Tequila!
T: EEP! Sorry!
(The Big Bitch shoves the Tiny Terror down and holds her while the Terror's arms flail about.)
B: (doing her angel face again)Excuse her, she had too much Nutella this morning.
T: Mmph! Mmffmph!
B: As I was saying, do you have the time?
(The teal haired man gives her a funny look.)
T.H.M.:The time for what?
B: (hoping)Me?
(The flaming haired man walks up to the girls.)
F.H.M.: Who are these chicks, Tamahome? They're dressed kind of strangely.
Tm: I don't know, Tasuki.
B: Ta-ma-ho-me, so that's your name. (Lets go of the Tiny Terror and shakes Tamahome's hand profusely.) I'm Leah Kindsey!
(The Terror jumps up and grabs Tasuki's hand.)
T: And I'm Sheila Tequila!
Ts: What kind of weird name is that?
T: Weird? It's my name. (Strikes a dramatic pose.) Sheila Marie Dillon, blood type 0+, Capricorn (though personally, I think I'm a Pisces), age 17.
(The Big Bitch strikes a dramatic pose.)
B: Leah Kindsey Whitelaw, blood type 0+, Cancer, age 19.
T: We call her the Big Bitch cause she's taller than me.
B: Everyone is taller than you, Tiny Terror!
(The Big Bitch and the Tiny Terror make faces at each other. Tasuki and Tamahome look at each other strangely.)
Ts: These chicks are weird.
Tm: Yeah, we should tell Miaka about this.
(The Big Bitch's ears prick up at the name "Miaka".)
B: (thinking)Who's Miaka? His girlfriend?! Ack, no! I finally meet the perfect man and he's got a girlfriend! Oh, cruel cruel world! Even his hair is my favorite color! I can't take this! I need a Ewan McGregor movie!
T: KINDSEY!!
B: (snaps back to reality)What?
T: While you were off in La-La-Land, a bunch of goons came up on us!
B: (sees some mean looking goons)Ulp! Uh-oh! Tequila, why did you write goons into the story?!
T: I didn't! You did! Remember, this is the part of the story you wrote!
B: Oh. Why did I write goons into the story?
T: (shrugs)I dunno. But I guess it's time for some serious ankle kicking and knee biting!
B: Yeah! Go, Tiny Terror!
T: Hey, if I go, you're coming with me!
B: Nah, I'll just sit here and watch.(Plops down onto the rock next to Tamahome, who moves away from her.)
T: (hands on hips)Do you think it's funny to watch a four foot tall girl try and take on a bunch of goons?
B: Yep! Anyway, I thought you liked fighting.
T: (thinks)It's true. I do! (turns to the first goon)You're going down, bootyhead!(Pulls a rope and a grappling hook out of hammerspace, begins scaling the first goon like he's a mountain.)
T: (perched on the first goon's head)Hey, Kindsey, I can see your house from here!
(Kicks her feet, accidentally kicks the first goon in the face. He tries to shake her off.)
T: Whoa!(Tries to hang on by grabbing the first goon's ears.)EEE! I hate heights!(Slides down til she's riding piggyback.)
B: Do you have to ride someone piggyback in every story you write?
T: Yup! It's one of Sheila's Rules For Writing Stupid Parodies. #82, in fact.
B: Well, as long as you're riding, you might as well have proper form. Decide if you're riding English or Western style. I would recommend Western style for you because you're a beginner. Now, tuck in your heels, hold the reins-er, ears-straight-
T: Dang it, Kindsey, you're messing up my concentration! I'm gonna fall off!
Ts :(To Tamahome)They seem to be havin' some trouble with those goons. Shouldn't we help 'em?
Tm :I'm not helpin' unless I get paid.
Ts: Well, I feel bad for that poor little chick, gettin' flung around like that.(Pulls out his haliesen.)Rekka shinen!(Fire shoots from the haliesen and hits the first goon. He stumbles and the Tiny Terror jumps from his back. Tasuki catches her.)
T:( blushes)A-hee-hee. That was cool.
B: (To Tamahome)Why can't YOU do anything cool like that?!
Tm:Well, I-
(Tasuki grins. The Tiny Terror sees his fangs and squeals-right in his ear. He almost drops her.)
T: Look! Look!(pulls up his lip)Kindsey, he's got fangs! See da widdle fangs? Kawaii!!
Ts: Don't make me bite you, dammit!
T: (squeals again)Ooh, he's threatening me! How cute!
B: Um, there are still two goons in need of a butt kicking.
(Tasuki raises an eyebrow.)
B: Behind you.
(Without even looking over his shoulder, Tasuki raises his haliesen, points it behind him-)
Ts: Rekka shinen!(-and fries the goons.)
B: Impressive.
Ts: I know.
T: You saved us!(Glomps onto him)My hero!
B: (to the Tiny Terror)Hey, look! Don't those guys over there seem familiar?
(The Tiny Terror looks where she's pointing. A short blond guy in a black coat and a slightly taller elf with magenta streaks in the front of his chin length silver hair and lots o' earrings are approaching.)
T: Thomas! Puck! What are you doing here?!
P: Michael sent us to get some tea from Ms. Wu's. We got lost on the way, so we asked this guy with a yellow bandanna for directions, and we ended up here.
T: Go away! You're so badly drawn compared to Tasuki-chan and Tamahoney! (The two seishi look annoyed at these endearments.)I'm sooo embarrassed!
P: Hey, it's not our fault you can't draw proper anime characters!
Th: /I/ look like an anime character.
T: And you can't even compare with Tasuki and Tamahome in looks! They're first class bishonens!
Th: /I'm/ bishonen.
P: You're not bishonen, Thomas, you're just cutesy.
(Thomas flicks him off.)
T: Enough of that! Thomas, if you don't get out of here, I'll write you into a fanfic with La Roche! And you know what that means...
P: You can't write a fanfic for your own comic!
Th: (flings himself at the Terror's feet)NOOO! Please, no! I don't do that sorta stuff! I'm from Iowa!
T: I dunno, you're kinda good at groveling.
Th: I'm saving myself for Valentine!
T: Oh, alright, get up. You're sobbing all over my new shoes.(shoos him away)Off with you!
(Thomas starts to run off screen. Puck catches him.)
P: Where do you think you're going?
Th: There's no way I'm gonna let HER(points to the Tiny Terror) write me into a fanfic with La Roche. You're on your own, man.(Runs off.)
T: Well, Puck?
P: (grins cockily)Do your worst.
T: Kindsey, would you like to handle this one?
B: Uh-huh!(Goes over to Puck, takes his face in her hands, and kisses both cheeks.*Godfather voice*)I'm sorry to do this to you, my boy. I always thought you were a good kid. You coulda been somebody. But it seems we have some-differences. We're gonna have to-let you go. (Gestures to Tasuki.)Tasuki, tear his arms off.
P: (hands on hips)I'm not afraid!
B: I'll kill you!
P: I'll never give up!
B: But I'll kill you!
P: And yet, I'll never give up!
T: (to Tasuki and Tamahome)This reminds me of an episode of Rayearth.
Tm:(to Tasuki)Do you have any idea what she's talking about?
Ts: F**k, no!
Tm: Do you have any idea what's going on?
Ts: F**k, no!
T:(rising ominously to a height of-gasp!-five feet)PUCK! GO! Or I'll only give you scenes with Aleta and Orpheus!
P: What?! But they're your most boring characters!
T: (smiling evilly)I know.
P: I will get you for this, Tiny Terror. Someday. You'll be writing a scene with me in it, and it just won't go-exactly as you'd planned.(Runs off, laughing like Kodachi.)
T: My, he has a high pitched, irritating laugh.
Tm: It gives me the chills.
Ts: It gives me the Creeping Matts.
Tm: What are the Creeping Matts?
Ts: I have no idea.
B: (reads the title of the fanfic)Hey, Tequila, when are we going to get to the "adventure" part of this story?!
T: I beat up those goons. That was adventurous.
B: (sniffs)You had your little red headed concubine-
Ts: CONCUBINE?!!
T: You be quiet! Kindsey is talking!
B: -fry them. That doesn't count.
Ts: (to Tamahome)Concubine?!(sweatdrops)I hate women!
T: (turns on him with big, teary eyes)Really?! How can you hate us? We're soo cute!
B: I'm still waiting for the adventure!
Ts: YOU try growing up with 5 older sisters!
T: (puts her arms around him)I understand. I, too, grew up with an annoying sister.
B: Still waiting!
Ts: I felt so out of place....
T: (strokes his hair)And being the youngest makes you feel so unimportant, doesn't it?
B: (loudly)This is bo-ring! Sheila, stop writing mushy stuff! I want some action! Adventure! I want explosions! Fighting! Carousing! And maybe some pink fuzzy bunnies parachuting out of an airplane!
(Tasuki, Tamahome, and the Tiny Terror all look at her strangely.)
T: Carousing?
Ta: Fuzzy bunnies?
B: (snarls at Tamahome)You have a problem with fuzzy bunnies?
T:/I/ have a problem with fuzzy bunnies.
B: WHY do you have a problem with fuzzy bunnies?
T: (bows her head)My father was crushed to death by an avalanche of parachuting fuzzy bunnies.
B: No, he wasn't! I met your dad! He spilled coffee on me!
T: (sniffs)It happened just yesterday.
B: No, it didn't, I was at your house yesterday and I saw your dad! He was making pasta!
T: (grits her teeth, mutters at the Big Bitch)Shut up, Kindsey, I'm trying to establish a tragic past for myself.
B: Death by fuzzy bunny is NOT tragic. It's sick, weird, and twisted, but not tragic.
T: (sniffles)You wouldn't understand. You haven't had a relative carried away by the dread menace of fuzzy pink bunny attacks.
B: And neither have you!(whacks the Tiny Terror upside the head)C'mon, baka, get this story moving!(looks over and notices Tamahome and Tasuki whispering together.)We're losing the boys.
T: HEY!(Tamahome and Tasuki freeze. The Tiny Terror beckons.)C'mon, get back here.
Ta: (smiles sweetly)Would you ladies like to see the capital of Konan County?
B: (hopefully)Will there be adventure?
Ts: (also smiling sweetly)Maybe.
B: And action?!
Ts: Possibly.
B: And carousing?!
Ta: If Tasuki has anything to say about it.
B: And fuzzy pink bunnies?!
T: NO fuzzy pink bunnies!!!
B: Aw, c'mon, Tequila you know you want some fuzzy pink bunnies in this fic. They're all it needs to be truly great!
T: (petulantly)No fuzzy bunnies.
B: Well, can you give Mokona a cameo role?
T: (still petulantly)Maybe.
B: Or at least Pikachu?
T: Maybe.
B:(gets down on her knees and glomps on the Tiny Terror)Puh-leeze?!
T: Oh, all right.
(Pikachu flashes onscreen. The two girls and the two seishi fall over, having hypnotic seizures. Pikachu flashes off again.)
B: (gets up, wobbling)That wasn't cute!
T: (also wobbling)Ergh, I forgot about that flashing thing.
(Tamahome and Tasuki look around wildly, trying to find whatever just attacked them. Tamahome's oni sign glows. The Tiny Terror sidles over to him.)
T: (confidentially)Psst. I don't wanna insult you, but you've got a HUGE red zit on your forehead. I mean, it's huge! And it's glowing. You might wanna cover it up. You know you could-(starts fiddling with his bangs)-arrange your hair so no one can see it...
Ta: (Brushes her hands away)It is my seishi symbol. It's not a-zit? What is a zit, anyway?
T: You don't wanna know.
B: (tugs on the Tiny Terror's sleeve)Since the thing with Pikachu didn't work out, can you let Mokona have a walk on?
T: (shrugs)Sure. Why not?
(Mokona falls from the sky and lands on Tasuki, knocking him over. It jumps around on him and makes rabid puu-ing noises while he struggles to get up.)
Ts: Get it off me! Get it off me!
B: That wasn't really a walk on, it was more of a fall on.
T: What's the difference?
B: And you do realize that Mokona is attacking YOUR Tasuki-chan.
T:(realizes what she's done)Oh, Tasuki-chan, forgive me! I'll save you! (thinks) Got it!
Ts: (manages to pull out his haliesen)Rekka shinen!(Mokona goes up in flames and a nice little puff of purple smoke. Tasuki somehow manages not to get burned.)
T: (dusts her hands off)I managed that one nicely. I may have to get me one of them fire squirtin' fans.
Ta: (slightly stunned by the past few events)Shall we...go to the capitol, ladies?
T: Oh, yes! I'd completely forgotten about that!
B: The plot, you mean?
T: That, too.
(The two seishi, the Tiny Terror, and the Big Bitch somehow end up at the palace in the Konan County capitol. I don't know how they end up there, they just do. Why don't you make something up? Use your imagination for once? Do I have to do all the work around here? Just cause I'm the author doesn't mean I should have to write the damn story! In just the same imaginative fashion the girls ended up in the palace, they end up in Emperor Hotohori's chambers)
B: Wow.
T: It's...
B: Rapunzel!
T: What a beautiful woman.
(Tm and Ts get uneasy looks)
H: (in a very MASCULINE voice) Yes, I am beautiful.
(T and B fall over)
B: That's a guy?!
T: With that hair and big kimono? I don't think Queen Elizabeth wore robes that long!
(H turns around)
B: Ack, look at the nose, that's a man alright.
T: Yeah, the nose and the chin.
Ts: What?
B: It's classic anime design. A drawn out nose is the sure sign the character is masculine.
T: That way we can tell with the bishoujo guys.
Tm: What's a bishoujo?
(Nuriko walks in)
N: Hey, who are these girls? More from Miaka's world?
T: Now /that's/ a beautiful woman.
(Tm looks a little uneasy and whispers something into B's ear)
B: Huh? Whoa! Now THAT's a bishoujo!!!
(T falls over)
H: Now who are you two? Tamahome, Tasuki, where did you find these two? Why did you bring them to me?
Tm: Err well...
T: We came here by our reader's imagination!
Ts: What??
T: (elbowing Ts) Just play along! This is my story dammit!
B: (taps T on the shoulder) Um...actually, I'm writing this part.
T: Gripe, gripe!
B: Moan bleedin' moan! O.K., fine! You write it then!
T: O.K., I will!! (heads off into the distance) I am the leader and I say we go theesz way!
(The Big Bitch, Tamahome, Tasuki, Nuriko, and Hotohori all follow her.)
T:Wow, I can't believe that worked! Usually when I try to lead, Kindsey pulls rank on me!
B:(smirking)You're not really leading. This scene was my idea, remember?
T:Yeah, well, I'm the main author and I say we go this way! (points in the opposite direction)
B:I'm taller!
T:Why does it always have to be about height with you?!
Ta:I'm taller than both of you. Guess that makes me the leader!
H:(looming)I am the tallest of them all. I am the leader.(He strikes a dramatic yet elegant pose. Everyone sweatdrops. Nuriko makes goo-goo eyes.)
T:Damn, I hate tall people.
(Tamahome and Tasuki begin to argue about which one of them is taller.)
Ta:(standing on his toes)I'm twice your height, you carrot haired midget!
Ts:You're standing on your toes!
Ta:Am not!
Ts:Are too!
Ta:Am not!
Ts:Are too!
Ta:Am not! (**I apologize for the childish arguing, but it's late and my brain's on autopilot. You're lucky you're getting anything at all.**)
Ts:I'm sick of this!(pulls out his haliesen)Rekka shinen!(Tamahome is engulfed in a burst of flame)
B:EYAAAAHH!!(runs to the ash covered Tamahome)Sheila, how could you?!(turns to Tamahome)Are you alright, Tamahoney?
(Tamahome moans weakly. The Big Bitch turns on Tasuki.)
B:You...you...ooh, how could you?!
Ts:He had it comin'.
B:He did not!
Ts:Sure he did. He picked a fight with me.
B:He did not have it coming!
Ts:Did too!
B:Did not!
Ts:Did too!
B:I'll rushumbo(** Phonetic spelling, ne? Watch the ep. of South Park with Barbara Streisand- you'll understand**) you for it!
Ts:(suspiciously)What's that mean?
B:I do this(She kicks him in the nuts. He falls to the ground, whimpering.)and you can do it back.(looks down)Once you've recovered, that is.
N:But that won't hurt you, will it? Unless...(his eyes light up)you're a man, too!
B:Nope. That's why it's such a sweet deal for me.
T: Kindsey, if you've damaged his his .
B: (slyly) His what?
T: (blushing) Never mind, but if you've ruined it, I'll kill you!
B: (heroic pose) I'll never give up!
T: I'll kill you!
B: I'll never give up!
T: How 'bout if I- kill you!
B: I'll rushumbo you for it!
T: (glares) That won't work on me, you idiot.
(There is suddenly a loud gobbling noise)
B: What the HELL-?!
T: EYAHH! (she runs and hides under Hotohori's enormous robe. Nuriko scowls. The gobbling sound gets louder.)
B: /What/ is making that awful noise?!
Ts: Oh, that's just Miaka.
Ta: Miaka! My love!
T: (peering out from the front of Hotohori's robe.) That's-
T & B: (together) Miaka?!
B: Let me under that robe Tequila!
T: No way! This robe's not big enough for the both of us!
B: (glaring) Just what are you implying?!
T: N-nothing!
B: Then move your Terrible Tiny butt over and let me under!
H: I would prefer that neither of you inhabit my garments. There is nothing to fear. It is just our priestess Mi-
T & B: (together) Nobody asked you!
(The gobbling noise gets even louder. The Big Bitch bolts under Hotohori's robe. Nuriko fumes.)
B: (from inside Hotohori's robe) He's huge!
T: That's my arm, baka!
B: Hee hee, you're blushing.
T: How can you tell? We're in the dark!
B: I have super vision.
T: You're makin' that up!
B: I am not.
T: Don't even start one of those stupid are not\are too fights again.
B: But really, I do have supervision.
T: SU-ure you do. O.K. then tell me what color underwear I'm wearing!
B: Ecchi!!
T: Hee hee, I just thought of something.
B: What?
T: If we lift up his robe, the readers can get a boxer shot.
B: A what?!
T: The male equivalent of a panty shot.
B: What is your preoccupation with underwear?! You were wearing my lingerie on your head yesterday!
T: Hey, I'm short, as you love to point out. I'm just about on underwear level anyway.
B: You know, this is kinda like camping out in a tent. We could light a fire, roast some marshmallows
H: Huh?! (sweatdrops) (In the distance, a booming yet annoyingly squeaky voice can be heard.)
BYASV: Marsh-mallows
Ta: Miaka!
Ts: Duck and cover! Someone mentioned food! (Tasuki, Nuriko, and Hotohori fall to the ground. The Tiny Terror and the Big Bitch appear, blinking)
T: Aww, I really wanted some marshmallows too.
BYASV: Marsh-mallows
(A shadow looms over the palace courtyard. All cower. Suddenly- a fairly short girl in a school uniform appears.)
M: (runs to Tamahome) Tama-home! (hugs him) Do you have some marshmallows for me?
Ta: No. (grins mushily) But you can pretend /I'm/ a marshmallow. Here, (leans down) you can nibble on my ear.
M: (giggles) We're an anime couple, remember? We're not allowed to actually kiss or anything unless it's by accident.
Ta: (pouts) Why couldn't we have been in an X-rated anime?
(The Tiny Terror, Big Bitch, Miaka, several female readers, and Nuriko all turn on him)
T,B, M, etc.: (together) HENTAI!!
Ta: (humbly) Sorry, (looks to Tasuki and Hotohori for support) But you guys agree, right?
Ts: Hell no! I always end up getting paired with Kouji!
B: Sheila, how do you know that?!
T: How do I know what?
B: How do you know to write that he always gets paired up with Kouji?!
T: Um- (sweatdrops) good guess?
B: Sure, I believe you.
T: Are you sure I'm the one writing this? 'Cause I'm looking like a real pervert right now.
B: Only you would have a dirty enough mind to write in the "He's huge!" joke.
T: (glaring) You have a pretty freakin' dirty mind-
B: And c'mon, why would I have Tamahoney offer to be Miaka's marshmallow?
T: True. O.K., O.K., it's me writing.
B: Yeah, if it were me, Miaka would be dead by now.
(Miaka and Tamahome look up, startled)
T: We can't kill her yet! We haven't even met all seven seishi!
B: Aw, c'mon you promised!
T: Later. We'll kill her later. Heh heh heh. (Miaka looks disturbed)
T: (suddenly realizes what she's said, sweatdrops) I was kidding! Really! Any-way, isn't it about time we met the rest of the guys?
B: Eh, it's just Chichiri, Chiriko, and Mitsukake. We're not missing anything.
T: Hey, I kinda like Chichiri!
B: Then add him in.
(Chichiri suddenly appears)
C: Wha- no da?
T: No da! I love that! Say it again!
C: (confused) No da?
T: (squeals) Kawaii!
C: You're kinda kawaii yourself, no da.
B: Sheila! Chichiri would never say that! He's a monk!
C: But she is cute, no da. Plus I've never met a girl who could put up with me saying 'no da' all the time, no da.
B: Sheila you can't make him say that!
T: (smugly) My story, my dialogue.
B: Move over! Lemme write!
T: No way! I'm enjoying this. And anyway, I still have to write- a certain scene.
B: Oh, right. (glares) You've won this round, Tiny Terror. But I'll be back and when I write there will be fuzzy pink bunnies, oh yes there will.
T: (falls over) No! Anything but that!
B: Get a grip on yourself! You've lost the plotline again!
T: What plotline?
(There is a sound of footsteps echoing through the courtyard. A tall, white-haired elf in black leather appears, carrying a whip over his shoulder)
Tm: It's Nakago! Hide me! (he ducks behind Miaka.)
Ts: F**k!
B: (to Tamahome) I don't think that's gonna help you, Tamahoney.
C: No da?
H: Why is he more beautiful then me?!
N: (drooling) I think I'm in love
T: Oh no! Not again! (covers her eyes with her hands) When I uncover my eyes, you better be gone!
Ts: You know this guy?
T: Unfortunately. He's another one of my characters. (loudly) I'm counting to ten, La Roche-
Tm: (peeking out from behind Miaka) It's n-not Nakago?
T: Ten, nine-
(La Roche cracks the whip. It curls around the Tiny Terror's wrist and he uses it to pull her to him)
Ts: Damn! I wish I could do that.
L: Now, my dear girl, what were you saying?
T: (kicks him in the ankle) Lemme go!
L: I believe you promised to write me into a story. It is time for you to make good on that promise.
T: First of all, you're my character, and I say when you get to be in a story. Second, this is my fanfic and- (the whip appears in her hand)- I can do what I want. Third,- (she cracks the whip an inch in front of his nose. Tasuki is visibly impressed)- if you don't get out of here right now, I'll- I'll let Kindsey rushumbo you!
B: (looking doubtful) Will that work? What if he's got on chain mail underwear or something? I wouldn't put it past him. (The Tiny Terror cracks the whip at the Big Bitch, who catches it.)
Ts: I gotta learn how to do that.
Tm: Yeah, that'd make Kouji /real/ happy.
Ts: (takes out his haliesen) Rekka shinen! (Tamahome is burnt to a crisp)
T: Kindsey! You're undermining my authority as the main author! (Suddenly sees Tasuki's haliesen.) Gimme that! (snatches it)
Ts: Hey!
T: (points the fan at La Roche) I've got a fire-squirting fan-thingy and I know how to use it! TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2
From: seryndptie@aol.com (Seryndptie)
This fanfic is rated PG13. La Roche and Bijou are characters from Sheila's comic- "Borderlands".
The Adventures of the Tiny Terror and the Big Bitch in the Realm of the Four Gods PART TWO By Sheila Tequilla and Leah Kindsey
T: (points the fan at La Roche) I've got a fire-squirting fan-thingy and I know how to use it.
B: Why, you could say she's a fan-toting Terror in hot pants!
T: I'm not wearing hot pants
(The Tiny Terror is suddenly clad in pink hot pants and high-heeled boots)
B: Now ya are.
T: (looks down at herself, then up, grinning) Damn, I'm a sexy bitch.
B: (strikes a pose) No, I'm a sexy Bitch!
(The short girl in pink leather faces down the considerably taller guy in black leather)
T: Prepare to face the wrath of the Tiny Terror!
L: Ha! What can you do to me, tiny human?! You have no power.
T: Oh, yes I do! I have- hot pants power!
Everyone: (together) Hot pants power?!
T: That's right! Oh, and I still have this fan-thingy. (waves the haliesen weakly)
L: Excuse me a moment. (goes over to the Big Bitch) Could I have my whip back please? I have need of it.
B: O.K.! (hands him the whip)
L: (kisses her hand) Thank you, my dear.
T: Kindsey!! Why did you give him the whip?!
B: He asked /so/ politely. (love hearts appear above her head.) (to Nuriko) He kissed my hand!! (**Sheila, I can't believe you made me go goo-goo over La Roche! I'll get you for that, oh yes I will! Love, Kindsey **)
N: Lucky!
(La Roche uses the whip to take the haliesen from the Tiny Terror)
L: Ha! I have your fire-squirting fan-thingy now!
T: (stomps her foot) Oh, oogly-poo!
L: My dear, I suggest you give in. Surrender!
(Nuriko holds up a white flag)
Tm: (to Tasuki) What are they fighting about, again?
Ts: I got no idea.
M: Tamahome! I'm bored! And hungry!
(The Big Bitch pulls a package of Twinkies out of her shirt and hands it to Miaka)
Tm: (surprised) Got anything else in there?
B: (leering) Why don't you find out?
Tm: (sweatdrops) Um no, that's O.K .
M: (makes a growling noise and pounces on the Twinkies) Food!!! (she buries her face in the Twinkies)
Tm: She's so beautiful.
(La Roche is slowly backing the Tiny Terror into a corner)
T: Oh, help me, help me!
B: Sheila, you have to distract him! Then you can get away!
T: Distract him? How?
B: I dunno, you're the author, you think of something!
T: I can't concentrate while I'm being menaced! Do something!
B: Um, O.K. (she thinks very hard) O.K.! Got it!
(Fuzzy pink bunnies begin to fall from the sky)
Ts: What the- ?!
M: Oooh, cute!
Tm: Do you want one, Miaka? I'll catch one for you!
C: Bunnies, no da!
H: (to Nuriko) Are they cuter than me?!
N: (sweatdrops) No, Hotohori-sama! No one is cuter than you! Except- that guy with the whip!
T: Kindsey! It's not working!! And I'm being pelted with fuzzy bunnies! (she ducks as one goes whistling by)
B: I can't help you anymore! That was my only idea!
T: I guess it is up to me. Gotta think a distraction what would distract La Roche? (a light bulb appears over her head, then changes to a neon sign reading "Strip Club") (points behind La Roche) Hey look!
(La Roche looks over his shoulder. The seven seishi pull off their robes to reveal- Chinese Boxers!!!) (**except for Chiriko, who's wearing Superman underwear**) (**you can't blame me for this scene, I was listening to Ricky Martin at the time. That affects me! It would affect anybody!**)
N: Hotohori-sama!! Are those silk?!
H: (pleased) Why yes! And hand embroidered!
(Chiriko looks very embarrassed)
Ch: Wai! I'm only twelve! I shouldn't be involved in this sort of stuff!
(The Tiny Terror is frozen in place, eyes locked on Tasuki. The big Bitch takes one look at Tamahome and falls to her knees)
B: He's so beautiful!
(Miaka's nose is bleeding. La Roche looks rather bored)
B: He's not affected! I thought he was-
T: Hey, I told you to stop outing my characters! But, you're right, he's not distracted at all!!
B: Run!
T: I can't! The sight of Tasuki half naked has turned my knees to jelly!
Ts: (smugly) I am a sexy bitch!
B: I thought we established who was the Sexy Bitch around here.
Ts: (smugger, if possible) Me?
B: Me!
Ts: Are not!
B: Are too!
Ts: Are not!
B: I'll rushumbo you for it.
Ts: (looks down at his boxer-clad self, sweatdrops) Never mind .
B: No, I'm not letting is go at that! (the whip appears in her hand) Who's the sexiest?!
(La Roche picks the Tiny Terror up by her ears)
T: Oww! Help! Tasuki!
B: He's rather busy at the moment. (there is the sound of a whip cracking)
Ts: OW! OW! You're the sexiest! OW!
B: Good! Now get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!
Ts: Hai!
T: HELP!
(There is a bright flash of light and a sound of a door slamming open. A commanding female voice can be heard)
CFV: Did someone call for help?!
T: Yes! Me!
(A tall, blond figure wearing a Sailor suit appears)
T: It's Sailor-
CFV: Yes, it's me, Sailor Pokey!
T: Sailor Pokey?!
SP: You know, you're friend Heather?
T: Oh, hey Heather.
SP: Hey Sheila, what's up?
T: Not much.
SP: Cool.
(La Roche shakes the Tiny Terror)
T: Could you stop that? I'm trying to have a conversation.
SP: Looks like you need some help, Sheila.
T: Yeah, one of my comic book characters has kinda gotten out of control.
SP: Again?!
T: I know. What is this, the third time it's happened this month?
SP: You have to put them on leashes or something.
T: Yeah, and I gotta get Bijou house-broken. Any-way (she gestures to La Roche's hold on her ears) Can you do something about this?
SP: Oh, sure! (poses with the wind blowing her hair and skirt) On behalf of Nutella, I punish you! Tiny Terror Princess Dream Transform!
(The Tiny Terror begins to glow)
T: What the-?!
SP: Didn't I tell you? You're a Sailor Scout too!
T: Tiny Power Make-Up!
(The Tiny Terror gets a Sailor Scout uniform, except with hot pants instead of skirt)
T: By the power of hot pants, I am- Sailor Nuku!
L: I will never give in until you have written me into a story!
SP: (face-faults) But La Roche, you are in a story!
L: WHAT?!
SP: She wrote you into this fanfic!
L: Ah. I see. (runs a hand through his hair) I feel quite the fool. (kneels to the Tiny Terror) My lady, can you ever forgive me?
T: I'm sure we can work something out-
(She is interrupted by a loud whip crack and the sound of a screechy giggle)
M: Down, Tamahome, down! Hee hee! This is so fun!
Ta: Miaka, I'll give you all the Twinkies you want! Just don't-
(Ker-ack!)
M: Quiet boy!
(The Big Bitch comes running up)
B: Sailor Pokey, we've got to save Tamahome from the evil clutches of Miaka!
SP: O.K.! Big Bitch Super Pretty Butterfly Transform!
B: Bitch Power Make-Up!
(The Big Bitch gets a Sailor Suit similar to Sailor Mars', except in teal.)
B: I am Sailor Bitch!
SP: (turning to Miaka) On behalf of Nutella and all halfway intelligent anime chicks, I punish you!
T: Tiny Silver Hot Pants Attack!
(Miaka is suddenly wearing tiny silver hot pants and platform shoes)
M: Wai! Because of all those Twinkies I ate, I'm too fat to wear these!
B: Big Bitch Super Fuzzy Bunny Whirlwind!
(Miaka is surrounded by a whirlwind of- you guessed it- fuzzy pink bunnies)
M: Bunnies going around and around I'm so dizzy (she loses her balance in the platform shoes and falls over)
SP: And now, to finish her off! Smiling Gorgeous Prettiness Explosion With Sugar On Top!!!
(Miaka gets a funny look on her face. There is a distant rumbling sound, growing steadily louder. Miaka explodes in a shower of rose petals, glitter, candy, and for some reason, wind-up toys)
T: Wind-up toys?
SP: I like wind-up toys.
(The seishi, except for Tamahome and Tasuki, scramble for the candy.)
Ch: I love piñatas!
(Tasuki appears in a pink, fluffy apron, holding a tray full of sandwiches)
Ts: (to the Big Bitch) Here's your sandwich, ma'am.
B: All right! Anyone for lunch?
(The Big Bitch, The Tiny Terror, and Sailor Pokey sit down to eat the sandwiches. Tasuki sits next to the Big Bitch. She looks annoyed and shoos him over to the Tiny Terror)
B: Go bother her, O.K.?
(Tasuki cuddles up the Tiny Terror. Tamahome staggers over and falls at the Big Bitch's feet)
Tm: How can I ever thank you?
B: (puts her arm around him) I'll think of something .
(La Roche appears.)
L: Ladies, I must be off.
T: Yeah, get outta here, ya punk. (waves him away) We'll talk about your little rebellion- later.
(Hotohori has picked up La Roche's whip and is looking at it speculatively)
H: Nuriko, just what did you like about that La Roche person?
N: (looks at the whip slyly) You've got it.
H: That's what I thought.
Ch: (with his hands over his ears) I really shouldn't be involved in this!
C: Sandwiches, no da!
(He bounds over to the girls and cuddles up on the Tiny Terror's other side)
B: Hey, how come you get two guys?!
T: What can I say? I'm a sexy bitch!
B: No, I'm the sexy Bitch!
(Whip-cracks can be heard in the background)
H: Nuriko- who's yo' emperor?!
T: Aw, what a happy ending.
FINIS
Note: We apologize profusely to anyone who's insulted by our misuse of the Fushigi Yuugi characters- aw who are we kidding! We're not sorry at all! *Shameless plug* If you got confused about the jokes involving Sheila's comic book characters, go to Kindsey's website (http://members.xoom.com/magikstudio/index.html)- you can read about the comic there. Please don't flame this story, we have very fragile egos. You wouldn't want to plunge us into self-loathing and depression, would you?
FINIS....NOT! In the next exciting installment of our adventures in animeland, we're off to Ranma 1\2 Land with our seishi in tow!
