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Hexfiles Issue 4 File 002
HEX-FILES No. 4 File 002
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This article is REPRINTED IN HEX-FILES WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE AND,
therefore, PERMISSION by the author (Alan C. Robles) and the
publication where it was first published (Philippine Daily Inquirer).
When I first saw this article on the February 10, 1995 issue of the
Philippine Daily Inquirer, I found the article amusing which resulted
to a gaping hole in our newspaper that day. If I had not done it, you
would not be reading it here today. :)
Going against my better (?) judgment and risking the wrath of Alan C.
Robles and the Philippine Daily Inquirer, I decided to reprint this
article in the hope that you would find this tale on Matthew amusing,
as I did three years ago.
My apologies to Alan C. Robles and the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
- Putoksa Kawayan
THE VIRUS VERSE
by
Alan C. Robles
When my PC started quoting scripture, I knew I was in trouble.
There are only a few reasons why a computer would suddenly flash
Matthew, chapter 6 verse 26, late at night:
(1) It wants to be a member of the board of censors (though it might
be overqualified);
(2) It wants to go into TV evangelism (though it would need to buy
some awful clothes);
(3) It has the dreaded "V" word.
Briefly considering the first two possibilities, I settled on the
third. I was aided to this conclusion by systematic reasoning,
inductive analysis, and the discovery that my word processor has just
been trashed. Then other programs went kaput.
Not every computer virus is heralded by a biblical quotation. This
one -- let's call it Matthew -- goes around telling its victims to
"Look at the birds in the sky/They do not sow or reap... " What it's
ACTUALLY saying is "yea and verily are thine EXE files creamed."
Unruffled, I swung into action, coolly going through the standard
procedures for such an emergency. First, I generated cold sweat on my
brow at the regulation temperature and bead number. Next I utilized
some of the language prescribed for the occasion -- and similar ones,
such as when you see the faces of the President's appointees to
Comelec. [1]
Having done that I went to the next stage: a carefully contrived
total paralysis that ensures full concentration on the task at hand.
This is best accomplished by staring blankly at the screen, with a
vacuous expression on your face.
So there I was, rushing to meet several deadlines, and my computer
fries itself. No word processor, no platform, no fax program. Instead
the machine was going around popping Matthew 6:26 at me.
From my expert evaluation, based on roughly one part logic, four
parts imagination and 900 parts paranoia, the virus seems to infect
one program, which when used, spreads the Bad News for Modern Man to
other programs.
Not only that, when it goes forth to multiply, Matthew is invisible
to the usual virus detectors. My computer scans itself automatically
each time it boots up, but it didn't catch this critter.
Furthermore, in an amazing development that I would NEVER consider
making up, Matthew destroyed all the computer programs related to
work, but spared all the games.
Now, some people might allege that I don't mind a virus which lets me
off work. That's a canard. There's a time for work and a time for
play. Besides I was afraid the virus would decide to go for the games
anyway.
Well, it WAS a bit awkward, explaining what I was doing. "I'm not
working because my computer has been struck by a nasty, bible-quoting
virus. So why I playing 'Wolfenstein 3-D' just now? Well see, the
virus (which is invisible) only infected my work programs."
Anyway, what sort of person would write a virus like this? Probably
the type who goes on to write software for automatic teller machines.
Ever try withdrawing from an ATM when it's acting up? The truth is it
was PROGRAMMED to act like that by people who want to recall the
virus-creating days of their of their twisted youth.
You know how encounters which such ATM's go. Some of these machines
even have speakers and vaguely female voices. Try changing your
personal identification number with a monster like that.
Customer: This machine isn't working
ATM (cheerfully): You have entered the wrong PIN. Please enter the
correct code again
Customer (punches number): I'm trying to CHANGE my PIN
ATM: You have entered the wrong PIN
Customer: Can't you understand? I'm changing my effing PIN
ATM: You have entered the wrong PIN
Customer: I'm changing your keyboard with this hammer
ATM: You have been shot 6.25 times by the security guard. Have a
nice day.
Programmers of such machines go on to have successful careers in
tabulating votes and computing BIR's revenues. [2]
So what did I do with my infected computer? I tried fixing it. Now
some people, who lead trouble-fee lives and probably live in
rent-controlled homes, can cheerfully solve their computer problems.
If the problem is an infected hard disk, then they just pop in a
backup copy of the programs and they're up and running.
My relations with PCs aren't quite like that. For me the procedures
are a bit more complex.
(1) I try reinstalling the program from diskettes.
(2) I find out that the diskettes have bad sectors.
(3) I try to fix the diskettes with other programs
(4) I have to look for where I put the programs
(5) I discover the disk drives are dirty
(6) I look for cleaning disks.
(7) I find the bottle of cleaning fluid is empty
(8) I finally start reinstalling the program {see (1)}
(9) I discover I need a "blank formatted disk"
(10) My blank formatted disk isn't blank
(11) The program that does the formatting is the one I'm trying to
install {see (1)}
Usually I finish such simple procedures in time for the next
presidential election.
Thankfully, ___________ of _________ broke this simple procedure by
suggesting that I try out an anti-virus program called ___________.
That same night, I used the fax/modem card in my computer, hooked it
to my phone and called up several electronic bulletin boards. One of
them had the program, so I downloaded it.
When I ran ___________ I found out that at least 50 programs in my
hard disk had been infected. I cleaned them up. I still have to
reinstall them but at least my hard drive is now Matthew free.
Now, you might ask, how did I run my fax/modem if my hard disk was
infected? Simple. My supplier, ________________, lent me a hard disk
full of programs. I disconnected my old drive and ran everything from
the one I borrowed.
It wasn't my drive, but at least it was functioning and just in time
to meet my deadlines. I plunged headlong back into computing and
played several hours worth of "Dune 2: The Building of a Dynasty," an
excellent wargame which I found on the drive I had borrowed. What a
relief.
----
[1] Comelec - Commission on Elections, a government agency that
oversees (mis)conduct of elections in the Philippines.
[2] BIR - Bureau of Internal Revenue, nobody else but the taxmen.
Snippets of this article were not allowed for publication by the
Board of Censors for Computer Viruses. :)
----------------
Alan C. Robles is now the editor-in-chief of Link magazine. If you
find this article amusing and love the author's brand of humor, hop
over to http://www.bpub-link.com and get to know Alan Robles' latest
escapades in the Internet.
The Philippine Daily Inquirer is the newspaper I liked to read. For a
"Balanced News, Fearless Views" in our imbalanced and fearful world,
hop over to http://www.inquirer.net
-=<{[* HF4 *]}>=-
