Rising From the Ashes
The couple walk down the street holding hands as they go home from a wedding. Very obviously in love, the younger lady turns to her husband, saying something that makes him smile. "Dear, I think that was a beautiful ceremony, don't you? Miki-chan and Yuu-kun looked so happy... almost as happy as we were when we got married." Her husband puts his arm around her, embracing her. They stood that way for a moment, before they both realize that it is getting late, and they should be getting home.
As they walk on, he comments, "I was surprised at how mature Koishikawa looked. She has certainly grown up in the last few years since our marriage. You must be happy that we've moved to Tokyo. That way, you can see her everyday like before." Their pleasant chat moves onto other topics, such as the other people that they had seen- Kei and Suzu, who had finally gotten engaged, Ginta and Arimi, who had been expecting their second child, and all the others that they had not seen in a long time, and had changed so much.
As they turn to cross the street, the man seems to notice something from the corner of his eye. Looking in horror at something behind the woman, he doesn't have time to say anything. Instead, he shoves her away from him at the last moment, throwing her to the ground. She cries out, her hands instinctively covering her face as she rolls to stop a few feet away. She feels a strong wind and hears a sickening sound of metal hitting something, and looks up to see why he has shoved her away.
In her mind, nothing registers except for the sight of the body on the ground, broken and bleeding. She stares in horror as the scene before her imprints itself onto her very soul. A person from the inside of the car comes out, obviously intoxicated. The drunk woman staggers for a bit before collapsing onto the ground, bleeding from her forehead.
She hears a siren from a distance. She wonders why it sounded so far away, but yet seems so near... She feels herself being shaken, and looks up from the scene to see two people she doesn't know. She gazes at them, uncomprehending as they ask her things that she can't hear. Finally, one of them shakes his head and covers her in a blanket, moving her to the back of the ambulance.
As she huddles into a corner, the young woman sees two stretchers being put into the same ambulance as the one she is in. One has within it the bleeding, drunken woman. She could feel herself vaguely hoping the hurt lady would be well, but forgets even that when the other stretcher is brought in after the first.
Why? Why was it covered with a sheet? Who could be under it? As the ambulance's siren turns on again and starts to speed to the hospital, her mind starts to shake off the shock, making connections and recapturing memories. Finally, she slowly stands up and goes to the covered body. She stumbles a little as the ambulance rounds a corner sharply, but regains her balance quickly.
Her hands starts to tremble as it gets closer to the sterile white sheet. She wonders to herself why she is so concerned as she lifts the sheet to see under it. As realization dawns, her incoherent cries fill the ambulance with its sheer hopelessness. "No... no!" One of the ambulance's staff comes up to her murmuring something in a soothing tone, but she can't hear it. It is drowned out in the vast roar that envelops her in darkness as she finally realizes.
"Shinichi... no!" As she collapses, she can only hear the sound of the medic's voice calling for the driver to go faster. That, and the sound of her life shattering, her heart breaking. She tries to deny it, but Meiko knows that in her heart, her love is gone.
Rising From the Ashes
A Marmalade Boy #FanFiction by Monica Shin
"How is she?" "The doctor says that she's suffering from severe shock. The few scratches and bruises she got from being shoved away have already healed."
"Meiko... Oh, Yuu! How could this happen? We saw them only a few hours ago, and they were so happy! That this happened when they were coming from our wedding-"
"Shh! Miki, don't even think that! Right now, just worry about Meiko. You know how what was like when she thought that he had just gone away. How do you think she's going to be when she realized that he's dead?"
Dead. That word echoes in Meiko's mind as she slowly opens her eyes. Before her, she sees a sterile hospital room, all florescent lights and white walls, sheets. At the door, speaking as they hold each other close are the newlyweds. Miki and Yuu are still in the clothes that they had been wearing at the reception, and the warm colors of their outfits makes an odd contrast to the room.
They both start as her strained voice says, "What are you two doing here? Weren't you going on your honeymoon?" Miki cries out and runs over to Meiko's side. "Oh, Meiko! I'm so sorry!" Miki can't seem to help her tears as they start to spill out from where they had been threatening since she had heard. Meiko stares blankly down at the sobbing woman in her arms and then at Yuu, who comes near the bed and puts a reassuring hand on his sobbing wife's arm.
"Meiko, I-I'm sorry." Yuu's simple statement is followed by a cessation of Miki's tears, as she realizes why she is here. Miki's tremulous voice becomes firmer as she speaks again, drawing strength from Yuu's presence. "We are both so sorry-" Miki's arms go around Meiko, gently holding her. Yuu stands over both of them, lending his strength, so that both form a support for Meiko. Overwhelmed, Meiko suddenly starts to cry the tears that she has been trying not to shed in front of her friends.
Uncontrollable and unstoppable, Meiko's tears last too long for both of her friends. All they can do is hold her as she lets her tears flow, and finally exhausted, she lets herself drift to sleep. Miki stands over her bed for a moment, smoothing out the blanket, and then leaves, shutting off the lights. Meiko can hear snatches of their conversation as they leave her to sleep in the dark.
"Yuu..." "Shh- Miki, I know. I won't ever leave you-"
Her heart is breaking again. She stares up at the ceiling, her sight blurring with the tears. Finally, she whispers in a voice full of despair, "You promised me... that you would never leave me again. You promised-" Her tears coming again, she lets herself surrender to them as memories of their life together invades her thoughts.
----------------
"Na-chan! I- I mean, Shinichi..." Meiko blushed as her old habits betrayed her again. Her new husband's laugh made her blush even more, but she couldn't help laughing with him. He came up to her, giving her a hug. She looked around their new apartment. They had found one right near his parents' business. It was messy right now, but she could imagine how lovely everything would look after-
"Shi-shinichi! What are you doing?" Meiko's startled exclamation was cut off by his kiss, as he started to move both of them away from the unpacked boxes. "You look a bit tired, Meiko. I thought you might want to take a shower..." She looked at him for a moment before blushing even more, but then gave up, dragging both of them into the bathroom...
-----------------
"Namura-san. Namura-san?" Meiko looks up to see a nurse who seems to have been waiting for her to pay attention for a long time. "Y-yes?" Meiko is a little startled by her own voice, which sounds much to tired to be her own. The nurse, who has been looking at her with concern and a little irritation, smiles and replies, "People have come to take you home, Namura-san."
Meiko wonders who it could be, and then sees as the two come in together, obviously ill at ease. "Meiko, come on. We're going home now." She stares at the two as they start to bicker together about the most inane thing she can think of- what room she's going to have.
"It's her room! Just because you moved in all of your new maid's things into doesn't mean you can't move her out- go to that hotel that the two of you like so much!" "It's not as if your daughter can't move into the room your little pool boy's staying in!"
Meiko stares in shock, realizing just how far her parents had degenerated. Arguing in public, actually letting their lovers move into their home... Of course, she has known that they had hired other help since her old housekeeper- her real parent in her heart- had told her she had been fired... She has not seen her parents since- since she had stormed out of their hate-filled life to be with Shinichi... Shinichi. She can't see anything except for that road, that broken body- She stays that way, silent, seeing nothing but the ashes of her life, until her father starts to pull her out of the bed.
"Meiko, get out of bed. We're taking you home." "I knew that this was going to end in tragedy... that good-for nothing-"
Suddenly, all of the pain, the fury, comes out of her. "Let go of me! How- how dare you!" She manages to drag herself out of the bed, and then calls out to the nurse. "Miss, could you please tell these two people to leave? I- I don't know them..." The nurse, who has been standing outside of the room, looks at the mourning woman sympathetically. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave now."
Meiko can hear the protests that the two offer before they are taken away, but she cannot care. She is too lost in the memories. "Shinichi..."
------------
Meiko looks at the elderly couple in her room. She has managed, at the very least, to get dressed and look respectable.
"Mother, Father-"
The older woman rushes up to her. Giving her a heartfelt hug, the woman who had truly become her mother starts to cry, setting of Meiko's tears as well. Together, both grieve for a son and a husband, while the old man guards the bed, ignoring the tears that run down his own cheeks. After a time of mutual grieving, the older woman gains control of herself.
"Oh, Meiko... We're both so sorry for you. What will you do now? You are always welcome to stay with us... You've become like our own daughter in the years that you were Shinichi's wife."
"Mother, Father. I think that I will stay with you. I can't stay in Tokyo anymore... not after this. I'll have to settle business here- sell the apartment and the furniture, and get all of... all of Shinichi's things together, but after that-"
"Don't worry about that, Meiko. Just do what you can, and then come back to us."
She lies back to bed after they leave, thinking about the future. A life without Shinichi... she just wants to curl up into a little ball and ignore everything, but she cannot. She has to bother with all the little mundanities that holds no interest for her, but that she must see to... It will not be hard to sell the apartment, since they had only been there for a few days, and they had not even unpacked everything yet-
She fights back the tears. She can't let them rule her life like this... but they come anyway, washing away everything but her pain. A life without Shinichi, without her Na-chan. What is she going to do without him? Her life had been defined as Meiko and Shinichi. She was too used to thinking in terms of "my husband and I" to be able to stop now...
--------------
Meiko gazes out at the window. It is snowing again, blanketing the view in front of her. She couldn't help but wonder why she is doing this, why she is even trying to organize her life to become just Meiko again... She knows that she has to stop dawdling, and sighs.
After a moment, Meiko starts to dig through the boxes. She will have to separate her things into what she needs and what she doesn't. After all, there is only a finite amount of space here in her parents' house in Hiroshima. She will not be more of a burden on them than she must. It is obvious from looking around her room that she can keep only a few of the most important items. The rest will have to be put into storage...
Meiko looks fondly at her things from high school, knowing that she'll have to put them away. She can't help but smile at some of the things that she and Miki had shared at that time- the small little jokes that involved only two of them, their shopping outings, the time they had just spent together- Even now, Miki is still like that- so sweet and happy. Their daily phone calls tell Meiko exactly how much, and little her friend has changed...
"That's odd... I wonder what this is?" Meiko looks at the nondescript postcard she has just found stuck between two pages of one of the diaries that she and Miki had exchanged. "Oh..." She remembers what this is now. It had come right after the wedding, bearing no name. It had only said, -Be happy and remember that I will always be there for you-
She had know then who had sent it, of course. She had hoped that he would find someone like she had, and perhaps would be happy. She still hopes that, but... She can't help but to laugh a little bitterly. "I certainly hope your life doesn't turn out like mine."
Still, bitterness should not have a place here. Memories are being awakened, but most of them are good ones... even if every single one of them opens up a raw, bleeding place in her heart. Meiko's internal admonishment to herself, that it has already been four months, that she should start to let go, to live... it rings so false for her.
Looking at the pictures she had taken during school, Meiko sees her Shinichi- Na-chan then- in almost every picture. Lurking here and there, but it had been unconscious on his part, and hers as well. But even then, she had know that he was special. She had known that she would never feel that pull that she had felt toward him for anyone else, ever again...
Wiping away her tears angrily, Meiko continues to go through her memories carefully. Each one was precious to her, a remnant of a happier, innocent time, when she had not known true loss...
"Meiko, are you there?" Her mother's voice reaches her through her memories, making her start. "Yes mother, I'm here." The older woman comes into the room, avoiding the many boxes that were strewn around. "Mail came for you- I think that this one was lost for a bit because of your abrupt change in address."
After thanking her mother, she drops the letters to the floor. She doesn't really want to open them... what could be in them? She has received condolences from people who had worked with Shinichi, or who had gone to school with him... She feels so tired of writing a reply each time, feeling her soul tear even more-
There was no return address on the letter, only a simple -To Akizuki Meiko- on the front, with her brief Tokyo address. "Akizuki? Who would use-" She realizes then who would. Only a few people calls her that, even now. After all, she is still on the Namura family register, and is planning on staying there.
"Miwa-san..." Looking at the thin letter, she truly does not want to open it. However, she can't deny that he has always been a true friend, even though he has avoided communication with her for so long. Opening the letter, she is surprised to see that there is only a few elegant lines.
-Akizuki. I am truly sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved him, and I will stay away if you wish. However, I will always be there if you need me. You know how I will always feel. Miwa-
Meiko stares at the letter for a moment, before flinging it away. It is an irrational, childish thing to do, but she can't help herself. She can't deal with this right now... Staring at the letter, and then at the pictures, Meiko resists her tears with success. Quietly, she whispers, "I don't think that I can ever deal with this again..."
Meiko throws the letter into the rubbish pile, but then hesitates. She will not- no, cannot- reply to him... she knows that much. However, his sentiment has always been truthful, and she won't just throw his honesty away. She puts the letter and the postcard into the diary that she had been reading, and puts all of it away into one of the boxes marked "Storage". Another goodbye, this time to a happier time and place...
--------------
Meiko is staring at the page, as she has been for the last hour. Nothing... "Why? Why can't I write?" Looking back at the story she has been struggling to write, she feels something missing...She looks around, trying to draw inspiration from her surroundings, from anywhere. Hey eyes finally fall to a picture on her desk, of her and her husband...
Looking at the picture for a long time, she realizes what she has been trying to do. Musings, she directs her words toward the picture. "Have I been trying to avoid thinking about you, my love? If only so I don't keep crying like an idiot..." Then suddenly, she stands up. Going over to her dresser, she opens the last drawer. In it, there are the usual objects people end up putting into a miscellaneous place.
Meiko looks around for a moment, before she draws out a box. Opening it, she takes out a pen. It looks as if it had been used before, but has not been touched recently. Fondly, she looks at the pen, and goes back to her desk. Determination touches her voice as she promises, "I'm not going to give up writing in my sorrow... For you, Shinichi- I will write the story that will make everyone remember and love you as I do." Thinking back to when she had gotten this pen, she cannot help but want to do her memories justice.
--------------
Meiko couldn't believe how quickly the good day had turned bad. She had been so happy that her story had been accepted. The magazines had told her that she had potential, that if she kept trying... She had thought that it would be so easy because of the Asahi that she had won. But whenever she had tried to sell any of her stories, they had told her that her writing had lost the edge that her first story had had...
When she had told Shinichi about it, he had been so happy, too. They had planned an evening out together. Right as they were about to leave for the restaurant, she had mentioned carelessly that she had been glad that her marriage hadn't ruined her writing... it had been a stupid, thoughtless comment that had set off all of the insecurities her Shinichi had about their marriage.
His look of hurt and pain had lasted only for a moment, and then had disappeared. Still, she realized what she had said, and tried to apologize. Only somehow, it had come out all wrong, and they had had their first real argument since their marriage...
She looked at the apartment, where she had stayed after her husband had stormed away. "Am I starting to become like my mother? Fighting like that... How could we have-" She couldn't help but feel scared- scared that her life would truly just become like her parents', that their love would just go away-
"Meiko... please let me in..."
She rushed to the door, opening it. She saw her husband there, looking as miserable as she felt. She couldn't help but rush into his arms as soon as he had come in.
"Shinichi! Oh, dear... I'm so sorry!"
"Meiko. It's my fault. Somehow, I let your special occasion turn out so badly. I know this can't make up for it, but-"
Her dear husband shows her what he'd been hiding behind him- A bouquet of flowers, proclaiming -Good Luck- and a small box. She opened it, wondering what it could be. He had gotten her a pen, one of the more expensive ones, with a small note inside. -Please use as often as possible for your happiness-
"Shinichi..."
Somehow, the bad day had turned into a good one so easily...
--------------
"Mother, Father..." The people she considers her real parents look up at her in surprise. "Meiko dear, I hadn't noticed you coming in. Please sit down and have some tea." Sitting down at the low table, Meiko accepts the tea and takes a calming sip. Putting down the cup, she smiles.
"I have to tell you both something." Seeing their expectant faces, Meiko hopes that they will understand... "I must go back to Tokyo." Both of their faces are full of understanding, not of the confusion that she had been sure they would feel. "I hope that both of you understand that I must-"
She stops speaking as her mother-in-law starts to smile, a little sadly, and nods. "Meiko, we understand. You must come to terms... We had been expecting something like this for a time. Please, go back and come back to us happier than you have been..." At Meiko's rushed assurance that she is happy here, her father-in-law smiles also.
"Meiko. We realize how much Shinichi meant to you. However, you are a bright, talented girl who shouldn't be tied down to his memory. Wherever he is, I know that he knows you love him... he wouldn't want you to stay as you are, unhappy and sad. He would want you to live life, and find someone else-"
Meiko looks down at her tea, and then slowly shakes her head. "I will go to Tokyo to find some peace... but no one can, or will ever replace Shinichi. No one." Her two in-laws smile sadly, looking at each other, and then at the still-grieving woman. Then, with a forced gaiety, her mother said, "Well, we must plan for your trip! Where are you going to stay-"
--------------
"Hello?"
"Miki? Is that you?"
"Meiko! How are you? I was about to call you right now... How is your story going?"
"Actually, that's why I'm calling. Do you think I could stay in Tokyo with you and Yuu for a few days?"
"I think so- are you coming to visit?"
"I want to see where... where Shinichi-"
"Oh... I see. Um..."
"Don't worry, Miki. This is just something I have to do... for both of us."
"... Well, when are you coming?"
"I thought maybe next week?"
"That sounds- oh no! I'm sorry, Meiko!"
"What is it?"
"It's just Yuu and I are going to New York that week. I'm going to be looking at some of the new schemes at this annual design exhibitions, while he's going to be attending some lectures with-"
"Oh. I see... don't worry about it, Miki. I'll just go to a hotel-"
"No way! No friend of mine is going to be staying at a hotel while my house is so near! I'll leave you my keys, and you can stay at our house!"
"If it's not too much trouble..."
"Meiko, don't you dare say such things! Of course it's not any trouble."
"Miki, thank you... I'm sorry I haven't called in so long. What is this exhibition about, anyway?"
"Well, ever since Yuu and I built and decorated our house, I've been looking for an extra-special design scheme. I want it to be just perfect for a new pair of eyes to look at the world-"
"Miki! Are you-"
"Yes! I found out just today- that's why I was about to call-"
"Oh- Miki-chan! That's wonderful-"
-----------
Meiko hangs up the phone with a bittersweet smile on her face. "Miki is going to have a baby... That's wonderful! Why am I so sad? Can I really be that petty?"
She looks down a her own flat stomach. "Shinichi and I... we were so sure-" A tear rolls down her cheek, only one. One for the lost chances, for the death of the dreams...
------------
"Good morning, Meiko." Meiko smiled into her husbands eyes as she slowly drifted awake. It was a holiday and neither of them had to get out of bed for a long time... "Umm... Good morning, Shinichi." She snuggled into her husband's arms and sighed in contentment.
A moment of quiet thought for both of them, as the sun shone on both of them. She looked at the dust motes floating lazily in the light, and asked quietly, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" She gazed slyly up at her husband, who had suddenly acquired a rather panicked look on his face.
"Ah- Meiko... is there any particular reason-" Meiko couldn't help giggling at the strange expression on Shinichi's face, and replied, "Not yet dear, not yet. But when it happens?" Shinichi's face became less startled as he started to smile too.
"A little girl to play piggyback with... that would be nice. What about you?" Meiko considered for a moment, before putting a finger on her husband's nose. "A little boy that looks exactly like my Shinichi..." Both smiling now, she sighed back into his arms. "Soon, I'm sure of it. Maybe after we move to Tokyo..."
----------
Meiko kneels down in front of the headstone. Laying the flowers in front of the grave and lighting the incense, she bows her head in prayer. *Shinichi... I'm going to go to Tokyo soon, to try to make my peace with your death- I'll try, but... Shinichi, you're never going to truly go away. Not for me... never for me.*
--------------
Meiko smiles as she looks at the house. She has been here before, of course. However, the last time she has visited it was when it had been under construction... It had been finished after their wedding... She uses the key that Miki had sent her, and lets herself in. "Miki?" She hears a door slam and footsteps as Miki comes rushing in to greet her. "Meiko! You're here! I'm sorry I couldn't come to the train station to meet you, but I had to pack-"
Meiko smiles and hugs Miki. "It's all right, Miki. It's not as if I didn't know the way. So, are you going to leave now?" Miki nods, pulling her toward the bedroom. "Yes! I have to catch the plane in- oh no! I'm going to be late if I don't finish packing soon- Ah, Meiko! I left you lots of food, and you can stay wherever you like." Soon, she and Meiko are embroiled in packing the last of Miki's things, as they chat a little about their lives, and about the upcoming baby.
After Miki finishes packing, she shows Meiko around the house. When Meiko exclaims over Miki's colorful design inspirations, Miki smiles even more brilliantly and points out all of the little thoughtful touches that Yuu had put into their dream house. After the tour, Miki looks at her watch, and apologizes. "Meiko, I'm so sorry! I really have to go now! You can stay as long as you like... I'll probably be back in a few weeks- I'll talk to you later. Bye!"
Meiko waves, a little bemused, and watches her happy friend rush to catch a cab. Then she goes back inside to the brightly colored, cozy little house and smiles. "It looks exactly the way you would expect- All the little things that just yells out Miki and Yuu... I wonder what I'm going to do while I'm here. I don't want to visit that- that place... not yet, anyway. Maybe I'll visit all the places I've missed in Tokyo... I should say hi to all of my schoolmates."
Meiko looks at the cozy house, which seems too big for her alone. "This feels like it was built for two people... We were going to visit their house after it was done, and give them a housewarming party-" She sighs a bit and then starts when the doorbell rings. "Who could it be..."
She opens the door, and starts to speak. "I'm sorry, but the Matsuuras aren't here right now- they're going to be in New York for-" She looks at the person she is talking to, who looks understandably shocked. "Ah- Miwa-san!" Miwa looks at her and then smiles in a gentle manner. "Akizuki... What are you doing here? Didn't you move back to Hiroshima?"
Meiko looks down at the ground, feeling uncomfortable for no reason. "I came back to Tokyo to try to write..." He looks at her for a moment, before nodding. "I see. Well then, I won't bother you anymore. Please tell Yuu when he comes back that I have a few books that I borrowed from him." Waving goodbye, he leaves, leaving a suddenly bewildered Meiko behind.
She knows that it's irrational, but she is irked by the fact that he has so easily put her out of his mind. She shakes her head. "I have no time for that sort of thing... I want to go visit all the places that Shinichi and I went to. Maybe that will help me start to write..."
Suddenly, Miwa is in front of her again. Understandably startled, Meiko manages an undignified squeak before asking, "Miwa-san! Didn't you just-" Miwa grins at her, flashing a smile that is designed to charm. "I forgot something, of course. How could I leave without volunteering my
services on your quest to write? After all, I am the one that got you started." He manages to look abashed and smug at the same time, as he adds, "Did I just hear correctly that you needed transportation? I would be happy to provide-"
Meiko can feel herself getting irritated by the cavalier way Miwa is assuming control over her life, and can't help but to snap at him. "For your information, I never said that I needed transportation! I can walk, or take the train. And what are you doing lurking around people's homes, anyway?" Miwa smiles even more broadly as he says, "But you know that you want me to drive you around, right? Come on! Let's go. I'm not going to let you mope inside Yuu and Miki's house. Where do you want to go?"
Feebly protesting, Meiko tries to stop him from dragging her out the door. "St-stop!" But looking at his humor-filled face, Meiko realizes the impossibility of trying to stop him when he is like this- after all, she should know. "Fine! Just let me get the keys-"
------------
"Well, where do you want to go?" He opens the door for her to go into his car, and then closes it for her as well. Meiko looks at him for a moment, wondering... just wondering what he thinks he's doing. "I'd like to go to the Toryu library, if you don't mind. It's-"
His voice suddenly softer and understanding, Miwa nods. "Don't worry. I understand... if you'd like, I'll wait outside for you. You can stay as long as you want- I'll wait." Startled, Meiko looks into his eyes. They are sadder than she had ever seen them. He looks back, and repeats, "I'll wait." She looks away then. "Miwa-san... I don't want to mislead you. I'm not ready for a relationship right now- or ever..."
Miwa's voice is normal again as he says, "Akizuki, don't worry about it. I'm not going to be pursuing you like before... I'm just your lowly chauffeur for you stay at Tokyo. So, shall we go?" She nods, and he starts to drive her toward the place which holds the sweetest memories for her. Once she is there, Meiko can't help but to blink back a few tears. Only a few, they show Miwa exactly how fiercely she is mourning.
His eyes are concerned as they watch her, but he puts on the joker's mask to put her at ease. *If only she knew...* Smiling, he asks, "So Akizuki, do you want me to wait outside for you?" Meiko stops her contemplation of the old, ivy-covered edifice. "No, Miwa-san. It's all right. I- I could use someone in there with me." He nods and accompanies her inside the building.
Once Meiko is inside, she goes into the room- to the table where she and her Na-chan had spent so much time together, talking and enjoying each other's company. She sits, and memories threaten to overwhelm her as she starts to cry again. *Stop it, Meiko. You can't keep crying every single time something reminds you of him-*
Her admonishing thoughts stop as she feels someone sitting next to her- someone in Shinichi's seat. "Miwa-san..." He looks at her with understanding eyes, and gives her some paper and a pencil. "Akizuki- instead of wasting your energy on tears, write. Write the story that's trying to come out of you instead of suppressing it."
She draws a deep breath, looking at the walls, at the shelves which hold those old, dusty books that she remembers so well. *Shinichi... this one I'm writing for you...* As she bends her head to write, Miwa smiles and waits for her.
-------------
"I'm sorry I got you in trouble, Miwa-san..." Meiko's face is red as she remembers the way he had taken the blame for "breaking in" to the library. "I hadn't realized that we would need a pass..." Miwa, who is still looking a little flushed from the chastisement he had administered to the unlucky person who had tried to evict them, grinned boyishly.
"I haven't had that much fun in a long time. But honestly! It hasn't been that long since I graduated. You would think that they would remember Toryu U's school president..." His melodramatic, hurt expression makes
Meiko laugh out loud as he staggers around for a moment, his hand on his heart. "I'm feeling so forgotten!"
Still laughing, she waits for him to open the door to his car. "Still, I am sorry. And... I want to thank you for taking the time to do this with me. I would think that you, of all people, would not want to help me while I am gathering material that will praise my husband..." She blushes a little as she realizes how rude that had sounded.
However, Miwa just laughs. "That is true! But I never said that I didn't think your husband was praiseworthy. It's just the opposite! I just think that you would do better with someone like me-" He stops suddenly, and there is an uncomfortable silence in the car. Finally, he breaks the silence with a quiet statement. "You know what I think, but I'm not going to force you to do anything that you'll regret, or you're not ready for. I'll wait..."
Meiko waits before speaking for a moment. "Thank you, Miwa-san. I don't know if I can... but if I could, you would be the first. I can promise you that, at the very least." The silence, this time one that is more comfortable, lasts until he drops her off at Yuu and Miki's home.
"When do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?" Meiko looks up at him in surprise, and asks, "For what?" Miwa's reply surprises her. "I don't think it would be a well-rounded story if you only go to one place for you to try to remember him as best you can... I think that you should go to all the places that has significance for you... it'll probably help you to truly redefine all the old ones that you have, and that is also the only way you can truly do his memory justice."
She nods in thanks, and says, "How about nine o'clock?" He nods and turns to leave. She steps into the house, and nearly misses what he adds. "If you finally remember all of him... maybe someone else will have a chance to steal your heart." She closes the door firmly behind her, and then sinks to the floor.
"I haven't been this happy in a long time... Shinichi, would you mind? I don't think you would, but I can still feel you in my heart, in my soul. I don't want to forget you... But could I stop him from stealing my heart? Would I want to stop him? He did once, almost..."
------------
Meiko throws another piece of paper into an already overflowing trash bin. "I can't do it! Why?" She almost throws her pen at the wall as well, but stops herself in time. She looks at the hand that had almost discarded one of her most precious memories, and can't see anything beyond the tears that has filled her eyes.
"Why? This story my gift to Shinichi... I can't write it. Does it mean that I can't let him go? That I won't? I- I don't know..."
Suddenly, she hears the doorbell ring. "Akizuki!"
She goes down and opens the door. "Miwa-san! What are you doing here? It's already nine o'clock at night!" He tells her, with a smile, "Come on! You're going to stop writing for one night, and you're coming with me! Just put on a dress, and let's go!"
Meiko looks at the madly grinning man suspiciously, and says, "You're joking... How can I go looking like this? Besides, I have to finish-" He gestures for her to go inside and change. "Come on! You can stop writing for one day, and I'm sure you could use the break. Besides, you owe me a night, remember?"
He said it quietly, gently, but Meiko knows how much it had hurt him when she had rejected their date to chase after... "All right! Just let me get dressed... couldn't you have told me sooner about this? Shinichi always let me-" Her expression is stricken, as she realizes what she had just said. "I mean-"
"Meiko, I'm not Namura-san, and I'm not trying to be... Anyway, hurry up! We have to get there soon- I made reservations, you know!" As she rushes inside, she can't help but to smile. "How could he have known this was exactly what I needed?"
------------
"Are you ready?" Miwa watches her out of the corner of his eye as he drives, obviously concerned. Meiko nods quietly as she sits with her hands clasped nervously in front of her. "I have to do this... I know I do. It was one of the reasons why I came back."
Miwa stops the car and gets out. He opens the door for her, and then closes it after her. "We're at the place you told me to go to... is this the-" Her slow, affirmative nod stops his question, and he smiles in a gentle manner. "Then, I'll leave you here-"
"No, please... stay." She ignores his look of surprise, and turning without seeing if he was behind her, goes to the street. She stops at the middle of the road, heedless of the danger, and kneels. She takes a single rose from her bag, and places it in front of her.
"Oh-" She looks up at the street, seeing in her mind the accident... she feels the rush of wind, the sound... She notices Miwa standing in front of her, redirecting traffic around her, and can feel vaguely grateful for that kindness. But somehow, she can't seem to focus...
Her heart is hurting in a way that she had almost forgotten- the pain was so sharp and immediate... She can't think beyond that hurt as she tries to remember all that she can about that night, that horrible accident... *For your tribute, my love...* The happy day, turning into that awful, terrible night of loss, death.
Meiko starts to sob as she sees that awful sight, over and over again. His kindly face that were filled with pain, those gentle eyes that were closed forever... It is rending her heart anew, the memories, but she tries for her love to assimilate them. Channel the pain into her pen...
She opens her eyes and blinks at the sunlight that blinds her for a moment. She feels a little wonder that it was still light- it had felt as if she had been crying forever... She looks up and sees Miwa valiantly withstanding the shouts and annoyed glances of the people in the automobile, trying to keep her safe while she did what she must.
He starts as her hand touches his shoulder. His questions are in the expressive gaze that he levels on her, and under that look, she smiles. It was a tremulous, weak smile, but one that was tinged with a little acceptance. "We can go now..." She walks to the car, while he gazes back at the single rose on the road. *I'll protect her... I promise you that.*
------------
"Miwa-san... thank you again. This was incredibly-" Miwa laughs, and waves her thanks away. "Not at all, Akizuki. I am sort of your manager, after all- I got you started in writing, right? So, of course I'm going to encourage you to write! This way, maybe you can start living your life again..."
Meiko's smile is tinged with a bit of regret as she looks at the young man in front of her. "Thank you, Miwa-san. If you'd like, I'll give you a copy of the story before I send it in..." His smile is all the answer she needs, as she goes into the house.
She looks around the happy place, so full of joy and love. "I can't believe this is happening to me again! My ending to the story... I can't decide... Can I really-" She sits on the couch, looking at the ceiling. "Can I really start over again? Live life as Miwa Meiko? Another link to him will disappear... where will Namura Meiko go?"
"Where will I go?"
-------------
"Done! Finally..." Meiko looks at the room that has become like a home for the last two weeks. "I wonder when Miki's coming back. She said she was going to be back soon, but she seemed so busy!" She smiles a little sadly, knowing she is going to leave before the two whose house this truly is comes back.
"But is it really? I don't know..."
-------------
-To Satoshi Miwa-
Meiko looks at the package she is about to send Miwa, and she knows that she is being a coward. "How can I do this to him? I should tell him... But I can't. Not now... maybe not ever." She knows that this will kill any chance of them having a relationship, but she can't deny her true feelings, not even for him.
"Miwa-san, I'm sorry..."
---------------
Meiko is in front of her husband's grave again. *Shinichi, I'm back. Here is the story that I wrote for you... I hope this is what you would like for me to do, if you knew...*
She puts the loose pages of her story in front of her, smiling down sadly at the pages. "Because of this, I found so many little memories that people tend to forget about others. I remembered so much more about you because of this, my dear. I'm glad that I did this..."
"But- Miwa-san. I did it to him again... I feel that he really thought that this time... I thought so too. But at the last moment, I realized how much I loved you. No one could replace you... no one. She
smiles a little sadly, but then brightens. "But the trip to Tokyo did show me that I can remember you now without crying. The memories I have of you- I can remember them without so much of the sadness... I can see the part that made them a happy memory in the first place."
She kneels in front of the grave for a long time, the story's pages fluttering in front of her. Finally, as if fate has decided that those loose sheets had defied it long enough, one of the pieces in the pile flies away, making her cry out. She is about to stand and hope she can find it, when a voice that she knows very well says, "Don't worry. I have it."
Meiko turns, dreading the confrontation that was sure to follow. "Miwa-san..." She looks up at him, and is surprised to find him smiling. "Here you go, Akizuki." He hands her the errant page, which she places on top of the pile. "Miwa-san- what are you doing here?"
"I came to see you, of course-" Meiko starts to babble out an apology, something, anything that can alleviate this guilt, but he stops her with a quiet hand on her arm. "Akizuki- I'm glad you can think of him without pain. That is very good, and means that you must be starting to heal-"
Meiko pulls her arm away. In a voice full of self-recrimination, she says, "You must hate me now, after what I did. Why are you here? After all, I led you on, making you think- and then I didn't even have the decency to tell you in person! I sent you a letter and the story, and I didn't even-"
"Akizuki- Meiko, stop! You never promised me anything- in fact, you told me many times that you weren't over him. I knew that! You don't have to feel guilty for anything- after all, I can't make you love me. I know that. I've told you before... I'll always be there for you, in any way you need me." He gestures to the grave. "When you were in Tokyo, you needed to make peace with him. I helped by trying to get you to laugh again. If anything else had come of it, it would have been beyond the main point... not that I would have minded..."
He sighs. "But it doesn't matter. I accept your decision, and I just came to tell you to be happy. That's all-" At this, Meiko starts to cry, and leans into Miwa's arms. Miwa looks down, gazing in surprise at the woman who is sobbing in his arm. He holds her close for a moment, before gently letting her go. "Meiko. I told you that it wasn't your fault-"
"You don't understand! It is my fault, and it would have been my fault for driving you away forever if you hadn't come here. Don't you see? I'm a coward... I don't want to lose him- if I admit that I- if I had told you, then it would have been like I was giving him up, that I was admitting he was really gone..."
Meiko reaches into her bag, and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper. "Here- this is the real ending, the one that I should have sent you..." Miwa reads the last page of the true story, the one she has written with her heart, and can't help but to want to shout out with joy.
-She said goodbye to her first love, and went to live her life with the man who had always been there for her-
He is about to embrace her and confess his love, when her quiet voice stops him. "Do you see? I was about to let you go again, even though I... I don't want you to go. How can you care about someone like me? I'm a coward, who doesn't even know who she loves more..."
At that statement, Miwa smiles at her sadly. He hands the paper back to her, telling her, "It's you who doesn't understand. Meiko... I will always love you and will be there for you. But you have to realize that I'm not the one that has to make the decision..."
He sighs. "I'm not trying to take Namura's place- I know how truly impossible that is. Besides, how could I expect you to feel the same thing for me as you felt for him? He and I are two different people, and two different things to you... I'm willing to make new memories with you, if you'll let me, but you have to decide how you want to live."
He steps away, and starts to leave. "Goodbye, Meiko."
She stares at the paper in her hand, and suddenly, tears start to fall from her eyes once again. But this time, it is the pain of his leaving that is causing it... his parting is bringing her almost as much pain as the time when she had realized that Shinichi had left her forever-
"Wait... Please..." He walks out of her life, one step at a time, as she watches in despair. "Please... Satoshi. I-" She starts to sob in front of her late husband's grave, knowing that the last person who had been capable of making her love had just left her forever-
"What is it, Meiko?"
Meiko stares, speechless as she hears Miwa behind her. Her first instinct is to hurt him, but her second prevails. She turns and embraces him fiercely. "Me-meiko..." She does what she had done so long ago. She goes up to her toes, and gives him a kiss, right on the lips. Then she gives him a fierce punch right on the arm, and starts to laugh and cry at the same time.
"Miwa-san... no, Satoshi. Don't you ever do that again... you-" Her expression makes him laugh as well. They stand there, holding each other and laughing, until she stops. Quietly, she finally says the words that she knew she truly felt. "I- I love you too..."
It feels right to Meiko that she stands embracing her love on the grave of her last, and first love. *Shinichi, I think that you approve... * Her spirit soars as her heart expands to encompass this new love that has a special place all its own in her soul. *I can't ever say goodbye to you, but I can live on... *
---Finis---
-----
Monica/Akira-chan/Heero/Hayama/Naga/Kircheis no Miko- Proud TABBE! Member monica@pipeline.com - http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/ -fics, pics, tapes! Loves-CLAMP,LoGH,MB,RKen,Z/B,Gundam,EVA,KoDoCha,Subaru,Kircheis,Izumi,Riki "Tell Annerose-sama that Sieg kept his promise..." - Kircheis
