Tripe #9 The Net Prophet
Tripe Issue Nine - October 6th, 2002
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|I|S|S|U|E| |9|
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- Space Quests 2 - Marquis De l'Homme B
- Colridge woud say Irving has no imagination - By Heckat
- My Personal Quest for the Holy Grail 2 - BMC
- Security Guard Thing - Leandro
- A Guy's Guide to girls sex HAbits - Trilobyte
- CYPiAn UsuRPeRs - Komrade B
- Teddy Ruxpin INformation - Mystery Author
- Religious Tolerance ~ by Galadriel
Guest Editor's Note Fron Random Person: The Net Prophet
I have been asked by BMC to write a short but brief Editor's Note for this issue of TRIPE.
Of course, the initial first question one may ask when placed into a situational position like this would be, "TRIPE? What in the lever-hoving skies of Vulcan is TRIPE?" BMC proceeded to explain the concept, and I replied "Oh, so it's like the Neo-Comintern?"
Following many hours of apologies and pleading for forgiveness later, I thought about TRIPE magazine, and what it means to me.
To protect my unbiased opinion, I still have not read a single issue of TRIPE magazine.
But TRIPE magazine is something which all boys and girls of the world carry dear to their hearts, notably inside the left ventricle. It is this brand of Ventricular humour that most willingly carries the souls of man's peace-loving nature to the mitochondria of the Universe. TRIPE embodies all that and more, because it fulfills the most primal urge of humanity: That of purchasing collector cards for classic Harley Davidsons.
This may not make sense to you, the general reading public, but to the hyperintelligent fellows at TRIPE magazine, this responsibility is one which they bear proudly, like a plethorah of Atlas' holding aloft giant electrons bearing the single word, TRIPE, upon it's subatomic glow. Through those electrons, TRIPE is spread world wide.
To me, TRIPE magazine keeps the world spinning on it's axis, around the gravitational pull of the flaming ball of fire that we call a sun, the solar system moving through the void against the galactic central point. It is the basis for millions of small religions which have sprung up since it's inception, and will hopefully bind the society together into a great awesome unified culture of telepathy and free-reign chicken farming which can bring man's peace BACK through the darkness of the right Artery that the N-Com sent it so many moons ago.
That is, of course, if it can reach issue ten.
And this is issue #1, right?
Enjoy your magazine.
Space Quests part 2
Marquis De l'Homme B
The amasing continued from TRIPE #4
Once through the portal I was in the grey mass of Rygal IV. With the apparent desertion of the portal room I opted to take a nap and perhaps eat a sandwich if time allowed.
Fortunately for me I was allowed to do both and then I ran in the direction of the capital.
Amongst this alien word and its strange politics and cultures I tried to remember the course it etiquette that brother BMC told me. However I realized that I spent most of my time drawing pictures of BMC with an oversized head rather then actually listening to what he was saying.
Not one to try and fake my way through things. I decided to pull out my sword and began massacring the inhabitants. Knowing full well that this course of action will garner results I resort to all forms of brutality until the kings guards came forward to stop me.
After slaying their captain I demanded to be taken to the king. Knowing full well they could not hope to defeat me they agreed and gave me a procession to the palace fit for a dignitary of my awesome status.
It would appear these creatures had taken to MoON MoNSTar culture much to my displeasure. It never ceases to amaze me how "intelligent" creatures can be galled by such ridiculous things as honesty, compassion, and pacifism. Needless to say I knew what poison was coursing through this kingdom. May perhaps the king could still be swayed to Atlantis.
The old king motioned his pod like appendages and I grabbed one to kiss it. At that point I realized these alien creatures lack a skeletal structure and I think I broke one of his stems as he was in obvious discomfort, but it was of no concern. Without pause I asked the king.
"Why have you closed the portal to Atlantis?"
"It is closed?" replied the king.
"Yes of course it is why else would I come to this foul place?"
"How strange I had no idea it must have been some sort of accident I will have it open at once!"
"Thank you I shall return home now."
With that said the trade between the two kingdoms resumed and I had the little child that hit the off switch to the portal murdered.
Colridge would say Irving has no imagination
By Heckat
Fredericton is weird because some guys have names like "Cliss" but they won't admit to it if you ask them to their face. The other thing is that there aren't any 7-11s here because some guy called Irving bought all the 7-11s and shut them down and put up buildings with the word "Irving" written all over and he won't sell you slurpees there, only slush puppies. But, just when you think you might be able to live with slush puppies and wait until Christmas at least for another slurpee, they stop selling their slush puppies because it's "winter." WINTER! That's no excuse not to sell me my much-needed slushie-sweet thing that makes my life worth living.
Hey mister. Who do you think you are. You say we don't need slurpees because you're rich and you think you can take away our freedom of choice. You chalk this up to a morality issue because you think it's immoral to drink cold drinks in winter - but what your really mean is that it's immoral for you not to make a lot of money and be a big rich fucker so because you sell LESS slush puppies in the winter you decide not to sell them AT ALL! You fatass. I hate you.
The Quest for the Holy Grail part 2
BMC
Continued from Neo-Comintern #78
The year was 1999, and I believed that another year of university would inspire me as the one before did. Unfortunately, it did not. I continued to look and look and I even turned to drugs and alcohol for the excitement that I once discovered in life's new chapters. The drugs just beat my life into a blur, and it smacked me down into a tight corner where I was incapable of doing anything but writing sick and twisted song lyrics and laughing into microphones until nearly passing out.
"What's the point," I asked myself. I could not find an answer to the question. While I sank deeper and deeper into nihilism, I became more desperate to find inspiration for the new article and I did what I once swore to myself I would never do. I read back issues of the diggiest magazine on tha weeb. I cried as my eyes shifted over the countless pages. Shift. Shift. Shift. I can still hear the damned sound of it. It haunts me to this very day.
While reading I came across an article called "My Personal Quest for The Holy Grail." I read the words slowly, and it took me back to a place that I vaguely remembered. I retraced my steps backward in time and realized that it was the moment that I turned down the grail offer that my life became so shitty. First I cried, then I screamed in anger. After my throat was screamed raw, I downed a pint of spiced rum and turned all of my anger out and against then-BMC-girlfriend. After washing the blood off my hands (or was it ketchup?), I cleaned up the ketchup that I had accidentally spilled in the kitchen. I mopped the floor and it took me back to the days of OK Economy. That made me feel dynamic, so I decided that I was going to end the day off by resuming my quest for the grail!
I got dressed and took a shower, but as I was on my way out of the house, I happened to pass by the computer and noticed that I had some ICQ messages waiting for me. I ended up writing messages back and forth with someone who knew about as much English as I knew Esperanto. In hindsight, I can't even think of a single reason why I would have wanted to speak to a dirty Esperantonian anyway. Don't get me wrong, I am not racist, but these guys are barely human. I have been told that in Esperanto they still use anal electrocution as a method of capital punishment. Dammit, that is so inhuman, and nobody seems to think it is worth protesting!
Anyway, as you can tell, I lost track of what I was doing, and I didn't quite get around to the grail thingy that night. The next night though... the next night... I ended up wrapping a fresh blanket around myself and it just felt way too good for me to do anything but roll around and sigh frantically. Oh god do I ever love a fresh blanket!
The day after that was the day of my creative writing class, and I'll be god fucking damned if I didn't have to write something up for it. So that day I didn't end up questing, but I did write an article for class. Oh, wait, I didn't end up writing either. What the hell did I do that day? Oh yeah, I went into a relapse and ended up drinking a flask of bourbon. But the next day... oh, the next day...
The next day I woke up early (a bit hung over), I showered and got dressed, and then I went outside, saddled up on the horse, and I rode off in quest of the holy grail. Did I find it? I forget, but it will come back to me.
I trotted through the streets of Saskatoon and ended up at the house of the guy who had advertised the grail in the newspaper a few months ago. I leapt off the horse, did a handspring, pulled out my swami sword, and rang the doorbell of the house. No answer, so I decided to investigate. I walked around the perimeter of the house but alas! There was no grail to be found.
I gave up on the grail, but that night I had a dream about it. There it was, floating in the sky. It was in the middle of some clouds, and as I continued to stare at it, God split the clouds and told me, "get the grail, BmC! I am behind you one hundred percent!" Dan told me I should stop sleeping with the TV on. Something about jumping horses or something.
Anyway, now that I had God on my side, there was no way I could lose (and this made me very similar to Parker Lewis, something else that I was proud of). I threw my green sash on and grabbed the enchanted three-pronged spear that was a gift from my senile grandfather. I sucked back on a Werthers Original, and made my way to DESTINY!
I mounted my Citation, and it took me back to the house where my adversary lived. I confidently walked to the door of the house. I rang the doorbell. A moment later, the door swung open and I was face to face with my foe.
"IMPERIUS REX!!!"
I screamed my warcry as I plunged my trident into his neked body. He knew he was going to die, and I smiled at him. "Where is the grail," I asked. He said, "it's in my bedroom and the price is still ten dollars." I stabbed him a few more times and he was still unyielding. I knew what I had to do, even though I hated the thought of it. I pulled out my truncheon and threatened to jab him in the leg with it. The fear of the threat was too much for him and he lowered the price to five dollars. Then we decided that instead of me giving him five dollars he could give me five punches. The punches didn't really hurt because I was wearing my green sash (which gave me invincibility). I took the grail home and bragged about it to my friends.
A few weeks later we were having a party where everyone was supposed to bring some religious artifact. Wayne has some pretty strange theme parties. Anyway, Wayne's was better (he had Noah's Ark), but at least I beat out Dan and the fedora he claimed that Moses wore. Then we got drunk and I ended up blacking out and losing the grail. The End.
Diary of a Mad Security Guard
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
A few things happened today:
To start off, "The Smartest Guard Dog This Side of the Milky Way" bit me. Nothing serious, mind you, but it pissed me off like you wouldn't believe. As if having a snarly, overweight property manager which makes a shamble of the English language wasn't enough. Doctor said it was just a pinch but put some gel of sorts on it, just in case.
The dog found a stick in the courtyard and decided it was going to keep it. Now this dog has the tendency to attack anything. And I mean anything. The other night it attacked the garage door. No apparent reason as to what the garage door may have said or done to set him off. One moment he was next to me, the next he's showing that garage door what he thinks of it.
You can imagine what a happy puppy he is when there are tenants around. So when we're back inside I tend to keep the muzzle on, especially when idiot tenants tease the dog and he lungs for them in an attempt to rip out their throats (I wish, honestly, I could let him do that. When people are that stupid...).
So I remove the stick because it is notoriously difficult to put on a muzzle with a stick in the dog's mouth. His reaction was to bit me. I think half a block around Queen Street and University heard me growl obscenities at the dog. The Jazz players at The Rex stopped playing in shock as to what they heard.
Really, I used to be so nice.
I doubt the dog understood what was happening, but he looked honestly scared of my reaction. In fact he walked the rest of the night with his ears low and his tail behind his legs in that "holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, he's going to kick my ass" look on his face.
The only reason I didn't kick his ass, really, it's because he's a dog. I just limited myself to renaming him from "Oden" to "You hairy motherfucker".
He spent the rest of the night locked in the garbage room. Occasionally I'd go there and yell at him some more just to make sure he'd be, for once, shitting out in fear--unlike the other times he just does it on the carpet for no reason what-so-ever.
At the end of my shift, I left a note at the office saying, simply "Hairy motherfucker bit me. Resignation letter to follow suit". This reaction of mine apparently set off some sort of nuclear chain at work between the vice president and the secretary (she opened my letter and read it and that pissed him off), then between the vice president and the president about the stupid dog and god knows what else.
The positive thing out of this was that I entered part of the screaming via phone, giving a bit of my sarcasm to everyone. Reaction? Instead of getting canned as I was hoping, I'm getting time off and will be moved to something during the day.
If you are out of work and looking for employment, temporary or non, steer clear of Security work. Go work for Starbucks. Shove a fork in your rectum. Contemplate suicide. Become a telemarketer. Cover your genitals in steak sauce and wave them in front a mob of hungry Chihuahuas. But for the love of God and all things holy, do not work as a security company.
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hi, i'm trilobyte. i miss you. but here's a submission for TRIPE.
it's also attached. i'm sorry if it's not TRIPE material, it was the best i could do.
a guy's guide to girls' sex habits
by trilobyte
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SEX AFTER FOUR DATES
you're mister cassanova! you're the real player! you've seduced the mistress, now teach her what it's all about! yeah!
she loves you! she loves it! she's going to be with you forEVER!
whether you like it or not!
SEX AFTER THREE DATES
most girls have sex on the third date. watch out though -- i have never survived a successful relationship with one of these girls *IF THAT'S AN ISSUE*. on your third date while you're having sex you should just call it off and break up with her. right there. but don't, because you're having sex and that would be stupid. i mean, really really stupid, guy!
one of the good parts about these girls is they've been able to put up with you for now a total of three dates and they still will probably give you sex in the future. however, as time has told me, they will not last forever. in fact, their perception is certainly skewed as toward sex and love, as nobody would just say "number three! ding! no more pants!" who just keeps count? i mean, really! who keeps count of these kinds of things?!
SEX AFTER TWO DATES
you must have really wowed her that first time. she thinks you're fancy. she likes you. or she's just going to use you for it and never call you ever again. think about your conversation -- did you piss her off? were you so flagellant that she would rather just keep you moaning than talking? good job. keep being flat, boring, and stupid, and you might get a few more bits of action!
[forget the long term.]
SEX AFTER ONE DATE
girls who have sex on the first date are either in a movie or will never talk to you ever again. sometimes it's both. watch out, they may have done this with a number of other guys who were just as indiscretioned as you are. wear a rubber. watch out for herpes.
if she insists that it's true love, look for that starry shine in her eyes. if you don't see one, she's lying. she probably has a dark chasm of putrid blood curdling with feces and mucus in her eyes. that's not bad if you don't look at it; make her close her eyes. stare at her eyelids, if need be, or again, just don't look at her at all. certainly unless this is true love you haven't been making all sorts of romantic eye contact anyway, so just keep it up.
keep it up for as long as you can, that is. you may never see her again, and you might as well get as much out of the encounter as you can. not to say that you won't be able to do it again, because if you've managed to get a girl to sleep with you on the first date you probably either paid for it or are really good at that sort of thing. right on, brother.
i have no experience with these kinds of girls, except avoidance. that's been my experience and i am not sure if it was on my part or theirs. if i think back, i did know one of these girls, but she had reformed to get me to go on a date with her. how the fuck does that work?!
i never dated her again.
SEX er ... NO SEX
yeah, sure, well, marry her. what, if it sucks, divorce her.
if you've already been with this girl, who doesn't have sex, JUST TAKE COMFORT IN IT. don't consider yourself a loser, or an underachiever, or a non-playboy. just think of your self as an IMPOTENT EUNUCH. shit.
CYPiAn UsuRPeRs
Komrade B
I would like to interate the wonderful world I discover called Usurper. For ten minutes a day I can be and elfish Paladin. When I first played I didn't understand what was going on, but when I snook down into the evil dungeon below the town my instincts came into play.
The first fight I lost half my hit points in the first attack and did not know that I could heal myself and so I fled. Coincidentally this was also the only time I was ever able to successfully run away.
The next fight I learned about the heal potions and began a rein of terror on the denizens of level 1. I came across a wishing well. Called so by the wooden sign above the fountain. Not liking any of my choices to wish on. I hit the Shift-F11, UP, DOWN, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, RIGHT keys and got my true wish. Love. It never came true and instead BMC got the gift of love.
Then I came across a rabble of orcs accosting a young fair maiden, or so the text told me. I had the choice of killing the orcs or raping the woman. The orcs were making fun of me and text did say she was young, soon I was given no choice and the computer made me partake in the horrible spectacle of rape. I was miserable, and even more so when the computer informed me that she was 19, and in fact was therefore not young.
Time went by and I left my wise trainer for some other guy, and I bought an Orc Cheif Club which was considered way better then the lance I had. I went grave robbing and got killed. I got eaten by a tree monster, and when my morals got the better of me I attempted to rescue the next rape victum. I was killed easily and a lesson dawned on me. Alway rape and pillage whenever possible.
I found a dying warrior who told me he was attacked by evil orcs, and they had stolen a valuable message which could spark a civil war. I vowed to get the message and deliver it to the king, and pledged so on my life. I managed to kill the 24 orcs eventhough it costed me all of my heal potions. I found the message and delivered it to the king. He rewarded me with a map to the ice caves. Very excited I ran to the location of the ICe Caves, only to discover that the monsters had yet to build the cave and as such I could not enter. I asked the monster workers if they would be interested in fighting at that moment, but they declined and said it would be a better idea to wait until the cave was finished before partaking in any bloodshed.
Distraught but not out. I went back to the fearsome dungeons. I beat up on some scary wolves and slayed an unknown monster which I could have sworn was a hungry zombie. Alas I would never know for it is the nature of unknown monsters to remain.....unknown.
I had a few turns left and was preparing to head to the above world to receive my levels up, and to head to see the trainers that would help me improve my drop kick. Well that was the plan until I ran into two crazy, floating wizards. One cast a fireball that hit me in the groin and I died. I was sad, but I am always sad. Until tonight when I resurrect and continue the struggles.
Teddy Ruxpin information
I would like to kick things off by condoning the show Teddy Ruxpin. The program teaches children about the feudal system and the futility and pointlessness of that system. At the same time it drags the viewer into a gigantic alternate universe where colourful scenery fills your eyes. In this world, every clearing may be host to an adorable, friendly new creature.
Not all of the creatures are friendly, because in this world of city-states, evil may also be lurking in any shadow. Quellor, Tweeg, The Understander or Bognaustraclum could be waiting outside your house to murder you whilst you sleep.
Teddy Ruxpin, on the other hand, is a bear who for all purposes is considered by the viewer as a teenage lad, despite the fact that he left home many years ago. His best friend Grubby is an Octopede. He seems to be a very likeable character, but he would still be considered evil by today's standards were he to show up at a party. I believe that Teddy and Grubby had a sexual relationship, but that is not the topic of this article.
Teddy Ruxpin is an easily digestable show, not too violent for young children, but is, if you will, a primer for the dark arts. (ie magic crystals, alchemy, the dark forces of MAVO) Do you need any more reason to get your kids in front of the TV?
If you want your child to grow up like Barney, that's your choice, but if you want an Illiop that you can be proud of- Teddy Ruxpin!
Back to the feudal times. The king rarely appears in this show. He is an unimportant figure...but, if the Teddy Ruxpin world was Communist, Mavo and all the other characters would be enslaved in labour camps, and only the Komrades and Quellor would rule the dark world and take turns on Teddy Ruxpin's girl. The Grubby worms would be KGB, and the Gimmicks would be administrators.
Imperious Rex!
"Come dream with me tonight. Let's go to far off places and search for treasures bright."
Religious Tolerance
by Galadriel
Religion
Why is it that a single word such as this can cause so much hate among human kind?
Free speech is the law in our country, yet Freedom of Religion is so difficult to posess.
I recently had a conversation with a fundamental-type Christian boy over msn. Here are a couple of exerpts from my conversation, examples of how intollerant people are of other's beliefs:
Andrew says:
i have another qeustion for u (what is the punishment for sin)
Galadriel says:
well, Wiccans believe in something called the Threefold Law, which is that whatever you do comes back to you three times stronger, so if someone does something bad, something 3 times worse happens to them I'm not sure what I believe right now, I'm still pondering that question myself
Andrew says:
i believe that the punishment for sin is death (like in hell)
Andrew says:
(thats excatly what the bible says)
Galadriel:
but Jesus saved us from that punishment
Andrew says:
excatly
Andrew says:
so if you aren't a christian you are going to hell (plain and simple)
Galadriel:
even if you're a good person?
if you help people every day, and save lives, and do wonderful things, if you do exactly what Jesus would have done, but you're not Christian, you'll go to hell?
but if you're evil and murder people and do terrible things and you are Christian you'll go to heaven? that makes no sense good people go to hell, and bad people go to heaven just because of what they call God?
Andrew says:
only through the redemtion of the Lord Jesus Christ
Galadriel:
so you believe that God doesn't care what we do on earth, that He doesn't mind if we rape and murder, as long as we believe in Christ. but if you save lives, and help people, and live the was Jesus taught us to live, and you're Hindu, or Buddhist or Jewish you'll go to hell?
An it harm none, do what ye wilt says:
the way*
Andrew says:
in a way... if u believe that God is the only god and that Jesus saves you from your sin... you will go to heaven
This conversation continued for quite a long time, until I asked him if he thought I was going to hell. He replied with "I gtg sorry"
We haven't spoken since.
Is religious tolerance so hard to have?
So many myths are circulated about different religions, that they worship 'Satan', that they sacrifice humans, all kinds of nasty rumors that make no sense whatsoever, considering thatSatan is a Christian figure, most other religions don't believe in him.
I was raised a Christian, and I still am a Christian, but basically the only similarity between what I believe and what the organised church believes is that Jesus is my Saviour.
Common question: How can you call yourself Christian if you don't believe in Satan or hell. How can you call yourself Christian if you don't go to church? HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF CHRISTIAN IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT PEOPLE OF OTHER RELIGIONS ARE EVIL????
Answer: Dislodge what organised Christianity has taught you, and actually READ what Jesus taught. He taught that we should love EVERYONE, regardless of their faith, colour, creed, job, etc. He taught that only God can judge people, humans don't have that right, as we are ALL EQUAL. So the true question for these fundamentalists is: How can you call yourself Christian when you hate those different than you?
So many wars are started from arguments over religion, when in reality, all religions are similar, all religions worship the same God, they just don't call him/her by the same name. The practises of worship are different, the name is different, but if you look at the religions of the world today, they share one common belief:
Do not hate, do not harm anyone
It is prevelant in Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Wicca, Judaism, Hinduism, Humanism, and, basically, every other religion known to man. (One exception, being Satanism)
Now, muslims are being persecuted, not only in the Third World countries, but here, in Canada and the United States. Because of myths that everyone seems to believe, that Muslims believe in killing those that aren't muslim. That Osama bin Laden did what he did because that's what his religion believes! If only people actually learned the facts about religions, there would be so much less hatred and violence in the world.
Now that I look up and see that I've been ranting and raving for much too long now, I will close with a line written by one of the most brilliant minds of the 20th Century.
"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one Maybe one day you will join us, and the world will live as one"
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|T|R|I|P|E| Issue Nine - October 6th, 2002
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website = http://scene.textfiles.com/tripe/tripe.txt
