Tripe #7 Enjoy your magazine
Tripe Issue Seven - September 17th, 2002
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|I|S|S|U|E| |7|
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- The Yummy world of Straws -Sonic
- News of the World - BMC
- Cable Guy - transcribed by Gnarly Wayne
- Umm - Karli
- 5 deejays for 6 dollars? - Raver X
- I Am The Walrous, Coo-Coo-Ca-Fucking-Choo - Mc[Ph|st]Y
Let's make this very clear. TRIPE magazine is subversive perfection, and all of you better bow. If not, just enjoy your magazine.
Enjoy your magazine.
The Yummy world of Straws
Sonic
I eat straws
Straws are yummy
But are lowsy replacements for smokes
This is my conclusion, I think everyone could benefit from having more plastic in there diet. So I shall discuss the major brands of straws and the differences in texture and flavor. Now some may say that plastic is not a food group and is toxic and all these other rumors, but think about it, if you werent ment to eat plastic, wouldnt they put up a sign saying
<<< WARNING : DO NOT INGEST STRAW >>>
Well I havent seen any of these signs, and I certantly have not been warned against it so here I go with my top 10 list of straws... Oh and Word to tripe, it may not be plastic but damn its tasty
10 : Cheap white generic straw
These are not very good, the plastic is not very chewy and lacks flavor, I would not invest in these straws
9 : Funny brown multiple tubed coffe mixer straw
Good when your at coffee time and have no smokes, but not much flavor and multiple tubed which makes for hard chewing
8 : McDonalds straws
These are probally the most common of straws, yellow and white, they carry a uniqe flavor which eventually becomes unappealing so do not make for good edibility, but for 5 or 10 min these are good, oh and good texture, easy to chew
7 : I don't have a number seven so I'm goina go have a smoke
.
6 : Post-it notes
May not be plastic or a straw, but I just ate one and it wasnt that bad.
5 : The paper thingy inside a sucker
these things also arent plastic but damn they is good. I could eat these all day, just gotta get that round thing off the end, I think its a freshness seal or something I'm not quite sure yet
4 : The straws with the funny spoon things on the end
these are for slushys as far as I know, they taste good though and arent to hard, I'd give them a 7/10 if I was rating these things
3 : Pens
Very crunchy with a gewy funky flavored center, but beware the metal thing on the end, If you eat that you might break a tooth
2 : Giant red bendy straw for double gulps at 7-11
My personal favorite, long, yummy and chewy. These are an important part of a balanced diet
1 : Tripe brand straws
If tripe had a straw I'm sure it would be good, but for now, there is no tripe straw, but someday? Sure, until then I'm just goina get straws and write "TRIPE" on the side and sell it to poor unsuspecting elderly people who feel that for $20 a straw they must be getting a quality product.
So there you go, my top 10 list of straws, oh, and beware kids on the corner selling straws from inside a duffle bag, these are most likely straws of inferior quality and you may not be getting your daily plastic requirement from them, Word to stRAw.
News of the World
BMC
Saskatoon-
The fears of many people were confirmed today as an carrying oil semi truck travelled through the city of Saskatoon. In the dirt on the side of the tank, someone had written (in all capitals), "CLINT SUCKS BAG." Is it true? Nobody knows for sure. When Clint was approached for comment he refused to confirm or deny the allegations. He merely continued to suck bag and directed all questions to his team of lawyers.
Edmonton-
On Tuesday a press conference was called outside of Edmonton's city hall by the CEO of the Mac's convenience store chain. Ralph Winterhalt confessed that there was truth to the public buzz that the word "Mac's" spells "scam" when written backward. Winterhalt was quick to point out that though the company name is the word scam spelled backwards, it is not the intent of Mac's or any employees thereof to perpetrate a scam of some sort on the public or any particular individuals. There has been talk among farmers and mountain dwellers that there may be a relation between this incident and the recent revelation of Clint's bag sucking activities. An insider claims that the chain of confectionaries is actually a front for a bag sucking operation spearheaded by none other than Clint.
Toronto-
This weekend, scientists verified what had been considered an urban legend for the last decade. It had been rumoured that one could dilute LSD in water and then become high by bathing in the steam created by heating the water in a sauna. So now it's true. The scientists also add that this is completely safe and beneficial to the user. They also encourage everyone to replicate the experiment and spend several hours looking at screensavers.
Cable Guy
transcribed by Gnarly Wayne
<Note: this is taken from a tape I got. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever heard this, but I got it from some guy who worked at a cable company. Apparently, this guys cable went out and all he could get was an answering machine so he a bunch of messages. They are quite humorous as he is quite pissed off.>
<beep>
Where's the fucking service you cocksuckers? I paid for the fucking shit, so why don't you fucking bring it on! I'm sick of you bunch of fucking bastards.
<beep>
Where's the fucking cable? I've been paying you sluts, fucking assholes all along and I got no fucking T.V.! Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck do you want for fuck all!
<beep>
I've been phoning all these goddamn, cocksucking, fucking numbers you got in this fucking phonebook, and they're all busy. Well, my cables fucked, and you're gonna hear from me ANYWAY! You bunch of goddamn cocksucking fucking bastards!
<beep>
I don't wanna sound fuck all. I wanna watch fucking T.V. You cocksucking fucking whores, you got all these FUCKING numbers in the goddamn cocksucking fucking phonebook, and they're all fucking busy. I'm a working man, I pay your cocksucking, fucking bills. Why in the name of Jesus goddamn cocksucking fucking Christ can you not supply me the goddamn motherfucking whore slut fucking goddamn cocksucking fucking service.
<beep>
Hello you dogen faced motherfucking cocksucking whore slut goddamn by the Jesus fucking goddamn slut fucking bastards. Where's the fucking cable? I'm paying for the fucking shit and I ain't fucking gettin it. Get it outta here you bunch of fucking bastards!
<beep>
I can't watch AutoMag without fucking T.V.! Where's the service, you bunch of goddamn cocksucking fucking bastards?!
<beep>
I hate paying for something I don't have. I cannot watch your AutoMag magazine if I do not have the service. I've been phoning all the other numbers thats been ringin busy. This is the only number I've been able to get a ring from; so where's the cocksucking goddamn whore sluttin by the Jesus fucking service!
<beep>
It's me again, motherfuckers. I have no fucking cable. You bunch of goddamn whore slut fucking overpaid cocksuckers. You're doing fuck all for what I'm paying you. J e s u s Christ, you outta try doing what I do for a fucking livin.
<beep>
Hello, motherfuckers. My cables back on, thank you very much.
Umm
by Karli
IN a world where pleasure can be bought i have found that i have the power to "whip" guys as they say. I do not always intentionally do this but it is fun once in awhile to at times play games with their inferior minds. Some men may call me evil and crude and so on but that is not true...well at least let me think that it's not true! My boyfriend and i were humping in my room having a little "dry sex" one day and we decided that it would be fun to just whip it out and have a little fun with it and maybe even stick it into my wet, virgin pussy. So there we were rollin around getting me wet enough and all of a sudden a thought came to my head: "If i could be an animal what animal would i be?"...it was a very tough question to answer and him sucking on my tit didn't clear my head any either. So finally i got on top and took control as i pondered my thought. I would probably choose to be a bird so free and independent; two things that i wish i were. I would fly higher and higher THRUSING gliding gliding, riding the wind as my wings went faster, and faster and stronger and harder and farther....Yeah, that's great! I imagined all this while i was riding and i had the urge to yell 'Yeeha' so i did... *L*..so i was flying above and i peered down and made eye contact with a hunter. He nodded at me and stroked the base of his gun..He loaded it, got ready, aimed and FIRED!!! It was an EXPLOSION as it surged through my body filling me with a warm feeling. I gasped. I felt my body convulse as i fell to the ground. I lay there breathless and changed both emotionally and physically.
5 deejays for 6 dollars?
Raver X
What can be said about the other night? We went to the bar at midnight, but the bastards wanted full cover charge. That's just too bad, I guess. SIX DOLLARS! For 5 DeeJays? OOooooOh! The next time they try to charge you six dollars for five deejays, you might want to answer with one of the following:
- Well you can tell one of your five deejays to scratch this.
- For six dollars I had better be bringing a deejay or two home with me.
- How about we compromise and I'll give you 3 dollars for two and a half deejays?
- For six dollars, it had better be deejay from "Roseanne".
- For six dollars, I could get The DeeJay Gnarly Wayne to shovel my driveway!
- Didn't KRX-1 tell you that it takes SEVEN deejays to control the sound?
- Six? six dollars god-damed dollars? Christ, I mean I should be getting something more like SIX deejays for FIVE dollars! I told you nothing positive would ever come out of this DEEJAY LABOUR UNION!
Anyway, 3 is the magic number, it takes 30 cops or more, and it's been like '89 since the last time you seen me. I'm turning poetry into cash for '87 and I'm dropping em till the year 2000. Paix!
I Am The Walrous, Coo-Coo-Ca-Fucking-Choo
By: Mc[Ph|st]Y
I hate The Beatles. I hate Paul McCartney and I'm somewhat happy that his over-rated wife is cold and 6 feet away. Even though it is a shame, and death is not a funny thing unless it involves people that I don't know... and a handful of autistic kids. What's the big deal that his wife no longer walks among the living? Wait a minute, DID she ever walk among the living? I mean, if I had that much money lord knows I wouldn't spend my time mingling with the common folk. Anyways, back to the point....
She's dead. Paul's sad. Big fucking whoop. That's what you get for writing lyrics like "I am the walrous, coo-coo-ca-choo". what the hell does that mean?!? I've heard that song about 9 million times and I STILL don't know what he's trying to get at. Is it possible that Paul McCartney really IS a walrous and he's just leading us one with his intricate rouse? If that's the case, might I be the first person to illegaly poach his kids.
But the thing about the song that really rots my scrotum is this: once I finally discovered what he was getting at with the whole walrous bit, I decided to start paying a bit more attention to the lyrics. To my dismay, he is something else before he is the walrous... he is the eggman.
The eggman. "I am the eggman, I am the walrous, coo-coo-ca-choo". What the hell is the eggman? WHAT?!? Lets go through the logical sequence here of what exactly the eggman and the walrous is.
First we have Paul. Paul is a rather drug induced human writing a song about, whatever it's about. Than he decides to start calling himself the eggman. Now think about it and it makes perfect sense. Paul is a human who's probably done more acid by the time he wrote this song than any other normal human could even dream of doing over the span of 7 life times. His brain by this point is pretty much mush. Now back to the egg... An egg has a nice soft mushy yellow yoke. Paul has done plent of acid. Paul's brain is now a nice soft and mushy just like the inside of an egg. Paul is now the eggman... an acid induced waste of neural pathways is all that remains within that brittle skull of his.
But what about the walrous? Well, because Paul has decided to waste his brain on nothing but sweet sweet acid, he has basically become a human vegetable (not like he had anything important to say in the first place). So Paul sits and sits there all day long, realising the misfortunes of doing too much acid. He starts to gain weight due to lack of excercise. He becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. He now resembles the same slug like shape of a walrous... how fitting.
So Paul is a big dumb sack of fat that just sits on his 6000$ sofa all day long... eating and eating and doing more and more acid to take what's left of his mind off of how pathetic he really is. Eventually his entire motor system fails to the point that he can't whipe the drool off the bottom of his chain and he has to hire a full time nurse to shake his dick after he pisses in a pouch though a little plastic tube... meet the role of Linda. At this point, the only sounds of intelligence that Paul can mutter is a slurred "coo-coo-ca-choo".
So there you go, that's the REAL story of "I am the walrous yada yada yada". It's not a song about war, it's not a song about love, it's not even a song about what it's like to masturbate while watching gay porn on the telly. Hell, I don't think Paul even wrote the song... and guessing what the a popular rock band of that era would be like, I don't think ANY of the Beatles were capable of writing lyrics of such nature. My guess is the same guy that wrote all the Milli Vanilli songs is the same guy that wrote the walrous song.
The walrous song is a biography if you will. An inside look of what Paul, and probably all the other Beatles, did behind the scenes the walls of pretty much any form of shelter. Acid. Lots of acid. And once again, I am content and re-affirmed in my feelings towards one of the "greatest" rock bands of all time.
I hate them. 1 down, 3 more to go.
-Mc[Ph|st]Y
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|T|R|I|P|E| Issue Seven - September 17th, 2002
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website = http://scene.textfiles.com/tripe/tripe.txt
