Always, Forever
a Fan Fiction about Fushigi Yuugi
Written in 6/97 after I saw all of the TV series. Spoilers for the end of FY... This writer is feeling nostalgic now ^_^ C&C welcome via monica@pipeline.com, and visit my website, now 6 months dusty ^_^;;
http://www.pipeline.com/~monica
Monica Shin
1/99
Always, Forever
by Monica Shin
We were ascending together, he and I, burning in the holy flames. But he started to fade away from my grasp, leaving me alone. Of course, he wasn't real, so it made sense- after all, everyone had warned me that this would happen, told me that we couldn't be together. So why did it hurt so much? He rose up from my embrace, going back to where his life really was, until all I could hear was his voice. That warm, sweet, kind voice, which had always whispered such wondrous words of love to me- even that was abandoning me...
"Miaka... Forget me... Please be happy..." Only that, and he was gone, and I was left alone, kneeling on the pavement street. In the school uniform that should have been destroyed, burned by the flames, I knelt with only the Shijin Tenshou in front of me, the real one that he and I had existed in... All the terrible damage from the conflict was gone, and it was as if none of it had happened, as if all the people who had lived and sacrificed for my happiness had never been...
I laughed bitterly as I knelt on that warm concrete. I told myself that I was an idiot- of course they had never existed. They were only characters in a book. Meaningless letters in an old, moldy scroll.... That's all they can be. That's all they must be, or else I would go mad... As my brother came up to me, concern on his face, I tried to smile, seem normal.
I assured him, crying the tears he seemed to expect, while inside of my heart, I could only hear his voice. How could he expect me to be happy without him? Forgetting... sounded good. If only so that this tearing at my heart would cease... I looked up, and saw Yui-chan on Tetsuya-san's back, asleep. I was glad that she was all right, at the very least...
Now that I wasn't in the book anymore, my normal life went on. I got accepted to Yotsuba Academy with Yui-chan, and we went on existing... no, that's not right. I went on existing, while Yui-chan lived. In the time that she needed a friendly heart and voice the most, Tetsuya-san was there for her. He knew all that she had done, all that she had gone through, and still loved her. What could she be but happy? So she baked cookies for Tetsuya-san, while I stared at the ring I still had on my finger- the only thing that remained of our love.
Eventually, everyone thought that I had gotten over it- that is, everyone who knew anything about the book, about Tamahome. My brother, Tetsuya-san and Yui-chan... all of them were stronger for having had their brush with the other world, and they had used all the courage and power they had found in their own lives, while I... I existed.
Alone, in my heart...
Not to say that I didn't seem to be happy- I seemed to be the cheerful, hungry Miaka that everyone had known. I was, in a way. After all, my body was in my world. How could I be anything but the person I had been? So I laughed with my friends, joked with my brother, listened to my mother and father. A normal high school girl- that's what I was... that's what everyone thought I was. Even Yui, who knew me best- she had her own life now, and the book was the last thing she wanted to think about. She did what I should have done- went on, lived on, and found happiness- and I think she had hoped I would do the same. Thought I had done the same...
So no one knew about the tears I fought against every night. No one knew of the pain in my heart so great that it seemed as if it would burst. No one knew of the days when I would decided that I couldn't... only the fact that everyone had sacrificed so much stopped me from... so that I would always take a deeper breath, and try to lose myself in studying, or in eating, or whatever else I could think of.
Somehow, all the gossip my friends shared with me about this boy, or that singer- it just never touched me. Even though I knew that the person I always thought of was just a dream at best, he was still the one I compared every other person to. The memories of his courage, his strength, his love... it always made me draw back, shy away from any kind of relationship.
I suppose it was odd that a supposedly-cheerful girl like me didn't have a boyfriend, but... I couldn't even contemplate such a thing. Betraying a love that could never be matched... how could I? So I sat in the background, smiling as usual while my friends screamed and moaned over the latest pop idol. I had had what all of them were all looking for, and had let it go...
In the second year of high school, things started to change. The memories became dimmer and dimmer, and I felt myself becoming more distant from that perfect, desperate love. All of it hadn't been real, right? Even though I had those pictures, and Yui-chan had that earring, none of it had really happened. Or if it had, it was now so far gone and away- why should I let it interfere with my life?
But even while saying such things to myself, I couldn't get myself interested in anyone. Even though his last words had made a place in my heart- that I should forget, go on- I couldn't. Until I met him... He had just moved, and had become part of my class after the summer break, . From the giggles that followed him wherever he went, I gathered he was becoming popular.
Just two days after school had started up, he came up to me rather diffidently during lunch time, and asked quietly, "Yuuki-san, do you have history notes I can borrow?"
I looked up at him, surprised, and replied, "Of course, ahh..." I had been daydreaming in class the day he had been introduced, so I couldn't remember his name.
He smiled a little, and then supplied it for me. "My name is Onidake Tama . Nice to meet you."
I gasped a little, and dropped my pen. My friends, who had moved away to give us some "privacy", as they had called it, gave me odd looks. I waved them away, and they started to giggle and gossip again. I busied myself in trying to find my pen, hoping that I could control my reaction before I faced him again. Finding it next to me on the floor, I put it on my desk and looked up at him again, calmer this time.
Tama gave me an embarrassed look. "I know that it's cat's name, but my mother had wanted to name me with it, and my father never could resist her when she wants something... but it's spelled like sphere, so it's not really... I guess I'm babbling..." He trailed off, and smiled at me again. I handed my notes to him, and nodded in return as he thanked me. As I saw him walk back to his own seat, I couldn't shake the odd feeling of deja-vu.
During the rest of the day, I studied him from my seat across the room. He didn't really look like Tamahome at all. He was just a normal boy, with black hair cut short and dressed in his school uniform. I had to admit he was cute, but he didn't really seem to be anything special. I forced my eyes back onto the page, only to find they kept wandering back to him again...
As I walked home with some of my friends, they started to giggle and asked me whether I was interested in Onidake-kun. I wasn't, of course, but they didn't believe me- after all, how could I say that I had been trying to see if he was anything like my imaginary love from inside a book? Then, giggling, they all ran off together. As I was wondering why, Yuko winked at me, and told me, "Good luck, Miaka-chan!"
I looked ahead, and saw who they had seen. It was Onidake, who had been waiting at the street corner, bag in hand... for me, I guess. When he saw I was alone, he came up to me and handed me back my notes. I nodded and turned to go, but he managed to get in front of me. Grinning, he asked me, "Yuuki-san, would you like to get a cup of tea with me?" I looked at him for a moment, and then nodded. After all, how else was I going to find out why he kept bothering me like this?
We went to a nearby cafe, and sat down. He opened his hands expansively, and told me, "Order all that you want, Yuuki-san. It's on me." I gave him a look, and then turned to the waiter and ordered six different items from the menu. The waiter gave Tama a questioning look, to which Tama nodded grandly. He ordered a cup of coffee for himself, and smiled as he watched me eat.
"Yuuki-san, I'd heard about your appetite... but I suppose seeing is believing."
I finished off the last plate, before giving him a frank look. "Onidake-san, why are you following me around like this? You could have given me my notes tomorrow..." He stared at me for a moment, before shaking his head. He collapsed against the cafe chair, almost making it topple over.
"Ah... Onidake-sa-"
He launched himself into an almost-standing position, resting his arms against the cafe table. "Yuuki-san... I just can't believe it. All the guys were right!"
I backed away from the rather strange boy, moving my seat carefully away. "Ah-"
He gave me a vehement look. "Didn't it occur to you that perhaps I wanted to see you because you're a very pretty young lady?"
I blushed a little, and then couldn't help laughing at his absolutely earnest expression. "Onidake-san, please! Just tell me why-"
He shook his head mournfully, his face a grief-stricken mask. "Yuuki-san... the guys told me that you weren't into dating, that you held yourself away... everyone thinks that you're cute, but no one is willing to ask you because they think you'll say no."
Grasping my hand, he smiled at me. "Please don't say no- I'm asking you if you want to go to the movies with me tomorrow." He took one of his hands from mine, and then held up a pair of tickets. "Here's the tickets latest action flick, or-" He got another two tickets from his other pocket. "A romance, if you'd like."
I sat there, dumbfounded. Slowly, I took my hand away, and asked quietly, "Are you always like this, Onidake-san?"
He grinned at me, but then his face turned serious. He nodded deliberately, and taking my hand again, replied, "Only when such a lovely young lady is my target..." I found myself blushing again, and felt something I hadn't felt in a long time...
Happiness. Not cheerful, everyday sorts of joy, but happiness of being part of a couple, of being one of two. Not since... I felt my caution go to the winds as I nodded. "All right, Onidake-san. Let's go see that-" I took the tickets to the action film and put it in my bag. "Romantic movie." I laughed as his expression deflated a bit, and then watched as he paid the bill unflinchingly.
As we walked out of the cafe, I asked, "Aren't you concerned about how much that cost?"
He shook his head, and replied, "Money is just money. What is that, compared to the company of a lovely girl such as yourself?" I smiled, but as I did so, felt something fade. Something inside of me whispered about wrongness, how this was not my stingy Tamahome... of course, I knew that...
But... I hadn't been this entertained in a long time. I realized just how long I'd been walking around like a zombie, like a half-person, and then saw who had taken me out of that, and I smiled. Looking into myself, I promised Tamahome that I would truly try to be happy now, and maybe... perhaps I could.
I dated Tama for the year and a half we had remaining in High School, and continued to see him during university. I was overjoyed when he transferred to my college during the second year, and couldn't help laughing when he melodramatically proclaimed that without me, he couldn't even begin to study on that first day of classes together...
Yui-chan and I saw each other regularly, and I was happy to see that she and Tetsuya-san were getting together so well. One day, she came up to me with a joyous expression on her face, and just held up her right hand. On the fourth finger, someone had placed a ring... I screamed out "Yui-chan!" in shock and joy as she and I jumped around the room.
When I mentioned Yui's upcoming nuptials to Tama while we were having dinner at his apartment, I noticed that he turned very still and quiet. Finally, when I asked what was wrong, he smiled down at me, and then knelt down on one knee. Before I knew it, he had a ring box open in front of me, and was asking me to marry him. I looked at the beautiful band facing me, and started to cry before I hugged him tightly.
How was he to know that those tears were so mixed? I was deliriously happy... and I was so sad that my heart felt as if pierced with a thousand sharp thorns. In my mind, I kept yelling out Tamahome, but all I heard was my own lips whisper, "Tama... of course..." Those words rang in my soul, as Tama lifted me up in his arms and swung me around.
Tama put me down gently, and then hugged me. "Miaka, I promise that I'll make you the happiest bride in the world..." I nodded, suddenly so choked up I couldn't speak, and let his embrace catch all my tears. Tamahome... Tamahome... where are you? My old, plaintive question from when I used to cry myself to sleep every night rang in my ears, even while I felt this huge, awesome joy.
Yui-chan and I planned our wedding together... it felt right to do this together. She and I became lost in the whirlwind of preparations, of having to decide what kind of wedding to have, who to invite, what to wear... even while we laughed and argued over all of these choices, I couldn't help feel something was off.
One day, Yui looked at my fingers while I was wondering out loud about the kind of music we were going to have, and stopped me from saying anything more. She sat down, pulling me down with her. Quietly, she asked, "Miaka... what's that on your left hand?" I looked at it, and saw what she'd seen. Tamahome's wedding ring... our promise. I stared at that for a moment, not noticing the tears that slipped out until Yui wiped them off of my cheek.
"Miaka... I hadn't realized you still-"
I waved her off, and stood up. In a shaky voice, I told her, "Don't worry about it, Yui-chan. I'll take it off before the wedding- I promise. It's just..." I smiled out at the bright light coming in from Yui's apartment window, and as the sun streamed down on me, I felt the little power I still had- being a mundane who had once represented a god- come out of me. It crowned me in a aura of red fire and gave me the strength that I needed.
Slowly, I turned to her and held out my arms. Closing my eyes, I felt all of the fears that I had had disappear into the light, and let myself say the words that felt so right. "Yui-chan... Tamahome told me to be happy, to forget. I can't forget, but I will be happy with Tama. All right?"
She nodded once, slowly, and let her hand wander to the blue earring she still had in her ear. Smiling at me sadly, she replied, "I know... we can't ever forget them, can we?" I nodded, and we sat there together, recalling all the enormous things that had happened to us years ago. Finally, she held my hand, and grinned. "But we should forget them for a little bit and finish organizing, right?"
I leapt up, laughing, now knowing that it was right, what I was doing. Tamahome would want this for me...
The wedding was beautiful. We had decided to have a western ceremony for our friends, and then a formal Japanese one for our families. Smiling as we both went down together, Yui and I met our two grooms with joy in our hearts. There were too many speeches and almost too much wine, but everyone had a wonderful time. During the reception, my gaze kept wandering to my left hand, which now bore a heavier burden. The ring that Tamahome had given me so long ago was now on a chain, nestled next to my heart...
I can never forget. But I think I can be happy...
--------
"Miaka, what are you doing?" I look up at my new husband with a smile. He is coming into the honeymoon suite with a bottle of champagne, as I put the little notebook down onto the table besides the bed with the pen inside.
"Oh, it's just a journal I started to keep... a private memory-keeper, so I don't ever forget my most important moments. I started to do it while we were getting ready for the wedding. Maybe... maybe to set some of them to peace." I look up at my Tama, and give him a small smile.
Tama smiles back, and hands me a glass of wine. Picking up the book, he starts to flip through it. "Do you mind-"
I snatch it away from him, and seeing the shock on his face, stick out my tongue. "Tama, please! It's my secret book- besides, it has things about you in it that you probably don't want to know..."
He grins, and then jumps up onto the bed next to me, making me almost spill the wine. Smiling, he places the book and the glasses onto the table, and then turns to me. Gently, he moves his hand to the zipper at the back of my dress.
I lean against him, content. He is my husband, and he is right for me, in this world. I have no regrets about this... I just wish I could get Tamahome's voice out of my head, as it mixes in the small murmurs Tama is making. The 'I love you'-s are running together, and somehow, even though everything feels so right, it's wrong... Tama stops unzipping the dress I had worn at the reception as I start to cry softly against his chest. Holding my chin, he forces me to look up at him, and asks quietly, "Miaka, what's wrong?"
I start to shiver as I feel the wrongness, even through all the love. Then, through that wrongness, I feel a sharp pain- I scream out as I feel a sword pierce me through the side, and hurt rocks through me- "Miaka!" I hear Tama's voice distantly, and I turn my eyes toward him. Why is he so far away? As I pull myself together, I see that I have fallen to the ground. As I try to stand, he is there supporting me. "Miaka, what happened? You started to scream and then you just fell to the floor-"
I start to gasp out something reassuring, but can't say a word when I see that Tamahome's ring has shattered... I cry out, "Tama-" and my husband is there, helping me to the bed, except it isn't this husband I'm want, it's my real love... where is Tamahome? Where... I look around frantically, beating my fists against this intruder who was keeping me away from my love, but he stays besides me, a rock that I can't move.
"Miaka... shh... shh... calm down, love. Tell me what's wrong."
I sob against him as the pains start to recede into distant memory, and then I realize where I am, what I've been doing. With a start, I pull away from him, not sure what to say. "Tama... I'm sorry. I don't know-" I can't continue speaking, because I do know what's wrong, and I can't bear to lie to him any more... "Tama. Please... if... just promise me you'll read my journal."
He stares at me as I make this odd request after all that's happened. He says in a puzzled manner, "Darling, why would I do such a thing? It's your-" I grasp at his sleeve, staring desperately at him, until he nods. "I will, if you want me to... but why-" He doesn't complete the sentence as a red light starts to shine from the shattered pieces of Tamahome's ring that are lying on the floor...
From the glow, a man steps out, translucent. His braid is fluttering in an unfelt breeze, and the oni character on his forehead is the same bright red as the light. He nods once as he sees me and Tama together on the bed, and then turns away. Quietly, his voice whispers, "I'm glad, Miaka. You found happiness while I managed to do was get myself killed- pretty stupid, huh? Against a few bandits that managed to get lucky... I got the bastards that took out Tasuki, though, so it wasn't a total loss..."
As I stand, hands covering my mouth, he turns back to me. Looking at me as if to etch my face into his memory forever, he murmurs, "Be happy, Miaka. Wo ai ni..." Then, he steps back, and starts to fade away again. Away from my life...
"NO!"
I realize that I am screaming that denial out as I run to the light, to where he is, leaving Tama behind, leaving it all behind... Because I shouldn't be here. I should be with the man that is leaving me again- "Tamahome- don't you even think about leaving me behind."
He stutters out, "Miaka..." and then steps away from me. "No. You have a life now, in your world. You have a husband, and-" I fling myself toward him, and notice that in the light, he is as solid as I... Burying my face in his clothes, I mutter fiercely, "Never apart again. Do you understand? I tried... I really did. I even found someone who I could have loved so deeply, if I'd never met you..."
I turn back to the man who had made me so happy all these years, and I try to tell him all he means to me. He is still, just watching. "I still love him. But Tamahome... only you. Always, forever. Did you really think that you could go on to the next cycle without me? Do you really think that Suzuno-san died at that exact moment as she did because of chance? She waited for Tatara to finish his task, before joining him..."
Holding onto him, I feel his embrace accept me. I look through the light to Tama, to my laughing, loving joker, and I try to say something that will make things right... but I can only say what I feel. "Tama... I love you. But he is my other half... I'm sorry." The words are inadequate to show my sorrow, but he nods once, tears bright in his eyes. Going back to my real husband's embrace, I raise my lips to him.
Kissing me, he holds me tight and I feel the divine flames carry my soul up high, as they should have years ago. As we go off together, and I shed my mortal body, I hear Tama's anguished cry. I am terribly selfish, I know. But I cannot help myself, or my love. Perhaps I should call it obsession, or total bondage, but he is me, and I am him. There is nothing I can do but try with all my might to be with my Tamahome. I hope Tama understands...
Tamahome and I will be together forever... there can be no other way for us.
---------
"Baka!" I cry out as I chase So down the road. He is _such_ a coward! I can't believe he's running back to his family! As if he could hide there... "Come back here, stingy!" Running into the house that's been my second home, I stop to greet So's parents. "I'm sorry, but do you mind if I beat up your stupid son?"
So's mother laughs as she repeats what she's said every time I've asked her that question. "Of course, Miaka-chan. Just bring him back in one piece, ne? Oh, and you will stay for dinner, right?" I nod enthusiastically, and then go chasing after the idiot who had stuck the frog down my dress...
---Finis---
