Tripe #2 The FRINGE event
Tripe Issue Two - August 14th, 2002
__
,.--''''''' _,-'\ _-'''" _
_.--' | / -. ' \ |'-. ______
-' | | | \ | `. | ''
| | | | | \ |
| | _.' | | | |
| \/''' | |_,.,-' | _..
| \ `-\ | .' .'''
| '. \_ | | .'
| \ `. |_.,' | |
' \ .. / | /
' | L_____,..
+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+
|I|S|S|U|E| |2|
+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+Contents
- Some Stuff That Happened - Cog
- Household Hints - Margarina Cataclysma
- Shrinks Suck (I) - The Reverend
- Spam - Karli
- The Joy of Tripe - By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
- Super Alcohol - BMC
- Article for TRIPE - Pimp Daddy Welfare
- What Do You Take? - Dark Hacker Supreme
This weekend some of us TRIPE writers by the names of BMC, Cog, Melatonin, Heckat and ada went to this thing called the FRINGE (it is a festival in Saskatoon Saskatchewan) and we sold many things there known as magazines. We made lots of money and were also very fucking cool. How cool were you this weekend? Not as cool as us I bet.
At the FRINGe we also collected articles for an upcoming issue of TRIPE magazine. I would like to put them in this issue but I can not because there have been so many submissions that I must print many other articles. TRIPE is so popular that it cannot be beat in literature or in fun and coolness. So please read this issue and discover what it is that all other writers lack that TRIPE writers have lots and lots abundance of.
And next week we will have a very fRINGE special issue.
Enjoy your magazine.
Some stuff that happened
by Cog
Here it is, yeah. Tripe Magazine! Bet you thought things were good before -- well they were! But now things are REALLY good cuz of Tripe. It was all part of my masterplan. Everything, that is, except the formation of Tripe. I hadn't thought past ending that other magazine we did. But you know what?
This:
I went to the store and bought a Jones Vanilla Cola today before I began writing this article for Tripe. It was way better than Vanilla Coke. That stuff tastes like sugar and shit had a baby.
I burned my index finger when I lit a guy's torch today. He was doing something with fire. I also held the torch when he filled HIS mouth with kerosene and spit it at the torch. I tried convincing the girl I was with to kiss the guy who was putting kerosene in his mouth, but she figured it would taste like kerosene. It was lucky, cuz just then he kissed a girl and she burst into flames. Then I screamed, "TRIPE MAGAZINE!! YEAH!" Kerosene man just smiled at that last.
I don't think that people understand that you don't have to spend alot of money to cut your hair -- there's this place called Ultracuts that does it for a good price. I want to get "TRIPE, y'all!" razored into the back of my hair.
BMC wanted a "Vanilla Chilla" Vanilla Coke Slurpee from Seven-11. I figured he should go to the Thrilla in Manilla instead. Silently. To myself.
I didn't get a sunburn this year so far, so that's okay.
Well, bye!
Household Hints: A Good Hostess Delights Herself by Flavouring Her Guests' Drinks with Botulism Toxin
By Margarina Cataclysma
You may be familiar with the trend to reduce the contamination of food by botulism. Modern Women are encouraged to can and freeze their families' foodstuffs to eliminate botulism poisoning. Now this is probably a good thing, since no woman wants her husband to drop dead after tucking in one of her delicious, meticulously prepared meals!
However, botulism does have a place in the modern woman's kitchen! It can be cultivated and its toxin harvested for use as a handy household remedy! Did you know that botulism is the second most toxic substance in the world? And that botulism spores are everywhere, just waiting to be cultured on a plate of gelatin placed within a sealed jar on a warm windowsill? It's as easy as pie!
Let's say that a gentlewoman (and I will assume that we are all gentlewomen, dear readers!) has a pesky landlord who likes to drop in and play 20 questions, or a variant of 20 questions called Botticelli. Now if said gentlewoman gets tired of playing 20 questions with her landlord, she can slip a minute amount of botulism toxin into a coffee or a beer, depending on what the landlord's preferred drink is. And if she is patient and does not succumb to the urge to strangle her landlord with her bare and impeccably manicured hands, the landlord will stop talking at about hour 18 due to facial paralysis. This will be the time when the gentlewoman can let the cap off her polite repression and say all sorts of things such as "Get out of my kitchen you annoying fool!" without fear of eviction. It should take between 36-72 hours to kill the landlord completely, so the gentlewoman has a day or so following the facial paralysis stage to remove the landlord's body from her kitchen before malodourous decomposition begins.
I am sure that you, gentle readers, can imagine the pleasure that can be derived from such a simple thing as poisoning an uninvited guest. There are a myriad of other uses for botulism toxin as well. A pet that pees on the carpets is surely a burden, and can be eliminated with a tiny drop of botulism toxin in their kibbles. A paperboy who accidentally drops the daily news in a puddle can be disciplined with a botulism-chip cookie. A modern woman has many distractions, and most of them can be remedied with a teensy weensy drop of botulism toxin.
Next Week in Household Hints: A Staple Gun Can Discourage Your Teen From Wearing That Outrageous Busom Revealing Outfit in Public
Shrinks Suck (Episode I)
by The R3v3r3nd
I was sitting at my desk minding my own business today when all of a sudden The BMC messaged me with super secret mind power letting me know that I was to write the bombest fucking article in the world to send to this new zine entitled TRIPE. So I got busy typing the greatest article in the world and here is what I came up with.
I hate shrinks, always trying to eat at your mind to steal your deepest darkest secrets. When it really isn't any of their fucking business. I know you all know what I am talking about.
When my parents got divorced they sent me to a shrink. I hated the bitch and drew all these little pictures when she would ask me to draw what I felt of people getting killed and raped and other brutal things like that. She told them I was better and that she didn't need to see me anymore.
The second shrink asked me to say words that I felt and I jumped up and started yelling the most harsh phrase's I could find in my little head at him. He told them that I wasn't going to find the help I needed.(This never really happened, I had to say something cool so the editor of TRIPE magazine would know how cool this article really is.)
In the 7th grade I got busted with marijuana. I made it look like I was going to just stand there and let the cop handcuff me, but when he got just in range of my foot I kicked him in the balls and ran as fast as I could. They caught me and I got 6 months probation.
Around my Freshmen year I found out that the whole time my parents were married my dad had hit my mom and stayed drunk all the time. I finally discovered what all those loud banging sounds were that I would hear when I was little and couldn't sleep. I realized I didn't need that asshole and that my mom was a brave woman for leaving him.
I tried a shrink just for my mom. I lie to her about everything and she eats it up. I get some kind of certificate from her in a month or two for completing the steps to happiness. Should I do something mean when I get on stage or should I just be nice? We'll see in the next episode. Same TRIPE time. Same TRIPE channel.
Spam
By Karli
Well what can I say? I am personally not a big rap fan but since I began reading The N__-C________ I was put through several accounts of "rap reviews" and since I had never heard the songs that they were praising I had no appreciation for that type of music. This was an interesting and amusing song. It had a catchy beat that caught me off guard and their lyrics were funny. It is pretty safe to say that every phrase has a swear or two...but whatever. What I liked the most was the language. I am used to communication with several swears but this is in a category all by itself...*L*...I mused to myself: "are these guys white?" because their "funky" style made me wonder. Then after asking my frend BMC I found that they were "white as snow" then he asked me if I was "in love with them" and of course I said that I was soooo in love with them and that I wanted to partake in some of their rank experiences explained in the song...Losing my ever virgin snatch to some coke sniffin funkee rapper.
They did have some lines which either made me think, ponder, laugh or gag: "You can try to come back, yeah you can try to attack" I personally really liked this because it depicts a lost cause. Someone fighting even though they have no chance...maybe somebody wantin to "get with" someone who is not interested at all in that type of relationship. In a way this world is a lost cause....but I will not get into that right now cuz U want a rap review. One of my fave quotes was "wait my mom's comin" I really liked it cuz it made me think that maybe his hand was a little busy *L*..."so uhmer your shit couldn't get no dumber...*L* ...sukky suckee 5 dolla...suckee humma ten dolla?? *L*...i guess he went for the suckee humma so that's ten dolla buddee. Well guys...i liked your song and I encourage all u guys reading this to check it out...cuz if u don't i'm gonna...well i'm not gonna do anything...but if u give me your e-mail addy i'll send u a whole shit load of fwds, or as my ex called them "spam".
The Joy of Tripe
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
Tripe, for those that don't know, is the lining of the stomach of a cow. Some people actually eat it, which I really can't figure out why. But people also eat pigeons, rabbits and snails too, except they give them some funky names in French. I'm sure they'd eat a nice steamy turd if it had a funky name in French, like Merd Chaud a la Francoise.
For some reason one day I bought some deciding to try it. I did this because I am always open in trying new food. Or maybe because I was feeling rather suicidal and unhappy with my life. I don't remember which.
Anyway, I thought to myself, if I have been able to eat fried locusts (taste like shrimp) and covered chocolate ants (crunchy stuff, let me tell you), I should be able to eat tripe.
Tripe, for those that have taken my advice in never trying it, is somewhat like tofu. Only worse. You know how tofu is rubbery? Now, grab a spare tire, cut a slice off of it and start chewing. When it comes to tripe, it doesn't get better than that. Except of course that tripe is white and your spare tire black.
Unsure what to do with the leftovers, I fed it to my cat, but even the cat decided it was far above such inhuman food. It should be noted that this cat isn't picky. It's fed zucchini with tomato sauce and spaghetti with meatballs and enjoys them tremendously.
The cat, most likely confused by what it was, decided to play with it. To this day I find little rubbery morsels of tripe, all hairy and stuff, scattered around the house. It's amazing how this stuff doesn't even go bad. Sure it smelled bad, but tripe smells bad from the moment you buy it, so that's not a factor you should consider.
Tripe also doesn't dry. It's still rubbery and stuff even after eons. Maybe the space programme should consider using tripe to cover the shuttle. Just an idea, of course.
You're probably wondering why I am giving out all this information about tripe. Well, I can't think of a good reason. I could say that because this zine is called Tripe, a little tale about tripe itself would be necessary. After all, we are the best zine on the Internet (or so I am told) and there are many sites that like to have the dictionary meaning of their name on their webpage.
Let's see what it says under tripe on my dictionary:
Noun: Tripe
- Lining of the stomach of a ruminant (especially a bovine) used as food
- Nonsensical talk or writing
The moral of all of this? Don't eat tripe. But feel free to read it.
Super Alcohol
By BMC
Once there was a drunk motherfucker named Uncle Said. Sometimes he went by his full name of Said Saidrick Foolio, but Uncle said was what his sexually expolited sons and daughters referred to him as. Why not Dad? Because he was one sick fuck, and even though he impregnate dtheir mothers he never acquired the title of fater in official terms.
Now society conditioned him to molest his children, but let's examine why. Upon first glimpse, he is a pedophile, one who is given the title of a person who has a penchant for sexuallly exploiting the youngest of the young children. But perhaps that makes him all the more of a lover. Or... the ore of an alcoholic? It is difficult to say for certain.
One day, Uncle Said was busy exploiting young children and he got called away from a call frfmor the office (not the orfice, please quit getting these regular words confused for sick pervert words, yoyu sick pervert,).
The orifice said " Hello, Said, I am dunk and I am the storyteller so you shall do whatever I say" HAhAHHA not said cause your name is said but that woud be funny too...
So after ghe was dobne beinfg a sexual pervert he climbed off and confessed that he was thew most open minded of all human beings because he, in gfactm, new everything. What did he knoe, I asked, but he was above such a foolish question. "Shutt the fukk upp" he said. HahAHHAh uncle sad said.
Then uncle said, as the topic of this stry is,. began to consume alcohol at a deviant and pathetic rate. He made sure to stick his thumb in his anal sphincter as to achieve maximum velocity, but the pointless music pouuing through this stupid headphones mad it all the moe relevant. meanwhile, the writer, BMC, became all the more stupid and drunken while writing the story.
A story has certain meaning which is lost when told through the mind of a drunken and therefore stupid narrator. For one, it has no dsdeeper meaning than a stupid and lazy writing excersize that has no significance on a sovber and later retrospectively ashamed author. On to[p of that, have \ing an article race against bu hjope doesn't help in the artist's attempt to transcend time and space i order to create the perfect story that speaks to generation upon generation. So fuck that. I can't even speak to the people of this month or day. If the people of this second will give me the benefit of the doubt and read along to my undoubtedly dismal conclusion then I will keep another day suicideles. That is the BMC pronkmise!
drunken bathroom break-
"alcohl is such a boon to yh\\the human bidy" I think to myself as I walk to the bathroom as a horse with two legs. You can imagine a horse whith two legs. It's pretty shitty. So am I, but I'm drunk and this is doomed to be my best effort ever!..
Article for TRIPE: Pimp Daddy Welfare
There once was this magazine called the motherfucking TRIPE and it was a fantastic smorgasbord of fantastic fantasy and philanthropy that had me singing "Hippy Hippy Shake" and "Wolly Bully" all night long. That zine really knew about socks. More specifically that zine really knew how to rock the socks. So when I was done singing karaoke and I had finished off a cool course of Karma Chameleon and Axel Rose and I Remember You and Fujiyama Mama, I decided to write for a piece. This is the piece for which I wrote and you can give me six pence even if it don't make sense, it's all a result of your planets rotation being way too dense:
So there was Dr. Fidget and his assistant Mrs. Linesmock. Dr. Fidget was far from a midget. In fact he was precisely 4 ft. tall. Well over 3 inches shy of migetdom. And Mrs. Linesmock use to wear a goddamn one piece to keep her neice from Crayola Crayonin her pelvis to death.
But then those to mated liked sweaty chamber maids dressed up like pigs for the New Years Halloween Party and the offspring they spawned were so devilish you might just think they were to Angel Food Cake's that had been listening to REM and had lost their religion standing in the spot life.
But Professor Rumpled Bottoms had another plan in store. He had a plan to make all the peanut butter super peanut buttery and when he succeeded in that all the world would choke to death on the gooey goodness that clogged windpipes and windshield wipes. I don't know about you but I feel that's rather harsh.
So I took the Prof, the Doc, and the Linesmock wearin bitch and I unscrewed their pieces like GIJoe figurines. Then I mixed and matched and built myself a whole new being. That new being was called Jebulous. He was a fucking orphan with a smallish organ that he would grind in the park like a monkey making dollars. But I use to sell chocolate bars on my street to beat the eat and make my school spirit sweet. So when I saw him jerking his organ in the park after dark in the hopes that someone might spill him some change that was spare, I did NOT hold back my emotions. I let that shit erupt like a volcanic ass pimple and shot him a look so dirty that AC/DC's song "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" was a mere shadow of a precursor to the look which forsook him.
I'm a soothsayer and an XBOX player, with a Crazy Taxi Tattoo on my upper arm. I got one life left on Murakumo and if I don't defeat the boss I'll be in video gamers jail getting my virtual salad tossed, while my shriveled piece starts gathering moss.
And in the end what this piece proves and what this excellently flamboyant magazine proves, the one which all whom posses souls love and is called TRIPE, is that we the people of the united declaration do doth stand before the shadow of an angry fart and laugh at the resistance for which it became a solitary nation indivisible by math and unseperrated by game boy color segregation. For it is the people that make the pods and the pods which house the peas. And were it not for the houses of peas there would be no you or me. Thank you for being welcomed.
What Do You Take?
Dark Hackor Supreme
Cash, Cheques, Money Orders, C.O.D., MasterCard, Interac- what do you take?
The other day I had to use my ATM card to withdraw cash to pay off my MasterCard bill at the bank teller. Later that day when I tried to buy some books with my MasterCard they informed me that they didn't accept it. I had to walk across a field to another ATM, which rejected my bank card because I had already withdrawn my daily cash limit. Oh, and I could have used the machine to get a cash advance on my MasterCard, but I didn't know the PIN number. Then I went to the grocery store for a deck of smokes, but those bastards didn't take MasterCard either. Then I went to the next town where they let me use the MasterCard to get a pack of smokes. Shit.
Who takes what, and why? My future plans include operating a Dickie Dee ice cream bike, and when I realize that dream I will shock the world with my ruthless tactics. I will only accept MasterCard. Yes, I will have the fancy electronic credit card machine hooked up to a cellular phone and a power generator, and if you don't like it then you can forget that Dickie Dee freebie in your space shuttle.
"Sorry, sir- we don't accept cash."
+-+-+-+-+-+
|T|R|I|P|E| Issue Two - August 14th, 2002
+-+-+-+-+-+
website = http://scene.textfiles.com/tripe/tripe.txt
