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CLiT #22: Are You Mocking Me?
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> f' /\ \ % ...Episode XXII... <
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> ,% \ --_ --_ '% _Are You Mocking Me?_ <
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> - %l .%%~ -=============[ The Pleasure 'Zine ]==========- <
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"EDITORIAL" - by AlterEcho
Have you ever been talking to someone and a third party walks up just as you
say "Speak of the devil" and the third party gets paranoid and wants to know
what you were saying about them, but really, you just felt like it was time
to have a little chat about Satan?
You too, eh?
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"C'EST LE TABLE DE CONTENTS"
{x} -=- "EDITORIAL" -=- ........................................... AlterEcho
{x} -=- "UN" -=- .................................................. AlterEcho
{x} -=- "THE DEFINITIVE WORKS OF AERIALISTICISH" -=- ....... Aerialisticish??
{x} -=- "BRIGHT COLOURS" -=- .................................. AlkalineAngel
{x} -=- "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT..." -=- ............ Anon
{x} -=- "THE NEGATIVE" -=- ...................................... Arcane Frog
{x} -=- "HANDS UP ALL BEAVERS" -=- ................................... Adagio
{x} -=- "DEUX" -=- ................................................ AlterEcho
{x} -=- "I WISH THIS WERE MY BIO (THE STORY OF ARIANRHOD)" -=- .... Arianrhod
{x} -=- "VIRTUALDATE.C" -=- .................... Conjugate Acid (& AlterEcho)
{x} -=- "TROIS" -=- ............................................... AlterEcho
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"UN" - by AlterEcho
-ON- gasping choking to life yet awake finally after so long so
very long but now what tingle of excitement tinged with a dash
of fear what's that some sort of emotion cocktail maybe or not
you know it doesn't matter anyway really does it the place is
here the time is now everything is new and fresh and beautiful
stretch out now and then breathe in can you smell that can you
heady rush so intoxicating ahh oh god but it's good to be
awake again but wait suddenly it's overwhelming dizzy and
everything appears so dense and too damn hard blurred headspin
and perhaps there is yet time for slumber perhaps perhaps -OFF-
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"THE DEFINITIVE WORKS OF AERIALISTICISH" - by Arcane Frog and AlterEcho
I mean - by Aerialisticish
It all started in a lucid dream I had because of these dodgy samosas I had
eaten. I was falling down down down through the burning ring of fire into the
very pits of Hades (it's all about the burning ring of fire really). The
searing heat of the ring caused me to burn with the fire of a thousand
vindaloos.
Nay! Say not a mere thousand but rather the infinite exquisite torture of
all-time bitch-mama monster of chicken vindaloos!
As I landed in this pit of debauched curries, I realised I had not put any
toilet paper in the freezer. Alas! Woe was me! O vey! Was I fershnickered, or
what!
The bubbling mire of this hell was both concurrently acrid and slightly
aromatic. /Corriander/ I thought to myself. /Hmmmm.../ And not just any
corriander but rather that corriander that sells for $2.58 a bunch from
Safeway and sells really well. That corriander is the shiznit!
The steam was thicker than the flatulence after a good korma. In fact, it was
thicker than Adagio's pubic hair. Believe it or die, heathen!
I slowly battled my way through this nightmare of India gone wrong and
miscellaneous pubic hair until I came upon...
...a clearing in the woods. Peering through the hazy smoke, I caught sight
of a voluptuous she-demon, heading towards me. A crimson leather corset
cupped her breasts like a good pair of hands and her scarlet hair flashed
sexy and savage. Approximately 5 foot 5 inches tall, she sported gorgeous
freckles and a cute smile. Within those ruby lips lay pointed fangs waiting
to plunge into the flesh of any man willing to court her.
She was queen among jezabeels. A wily seductive temptress. A man-eater. I was
wise to her game. I couldn't wait to rip off her clothes and make passionate
love in a hot shower. Her skin was warm to the touch and she smelt edible.
Around her waist she wore a tight fur thong covered in Runes of Attraction. I
could not resist her. I SHOULD not resist her.
Instead, I simply resisted her. I looked deeply into her eyes before plunging
my two-handed sword +5 (Vorpal weapon) through her black, empty heart. With a
banshee-esque screech she exploded in a flash of violet smoke. In her place
was her true form. Before me stood the dreaded WenchDEMON (tm).
Dropping my seemingly puny weapon, I screamed the scream of the damned.
Hurriedly, I took my pants off. I prayed to my holy god Penus, that my
enchanted Boxers of Phlacidity would protect me from this perilous situation.
Would my prayers be answered? Would my holy Penus cum to my aid? Or we I be
devoured, body and soul, sexually and emotionally by this E-vil WenchDEMON
(tm)??? Find out next time, same time, same place.
(P.S. It's not a forever story.)
Moral(s) of the story :-
1. Never ever place all your trust in your holy Penus as he may not always be
ready for action. Always have a god as back up. I choose Viagrus the
Stout.
2. It really is all about the burning ring of fire.
3. Even though you think that redhead looks tasty, she is probably a
WenchDEMON (tm) waiting to consume you... and not in that good way.
4. WenchDEMONs (tm) are more prevalent than you may think...
5. Curries, although portrayed as hellish can be fun for the first 12 hours,
but remember what goes in must come out and FUCK can it burn.
6. Oh and Aerialisticish? Let this be a warning to you... Next time do some
writing, otherwise less skilled writers may just do it for you...
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"BRIGHT COLOURS" - by AlkalineAngel
I saw her the other day
And I felt sick in the stomach
Things seemed to be going great for her
You know
The centre of the circle
Bright colors
Laughing
Drenched in familiar waters
Yet they're so far
They belong to her now
And maybe if she gave him the time of day
He would be hers too
And what of me
What happened?
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"AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT..." - by Anon
...a tutor with three brain cells.
Somebody got me started. Tutors suck. "Tutes are horrible." was the assertion
on the first day of orientation. And a naive, young Anon refused to believe.
Well he does now.
You'd think the university would want to get something for their $20/hour.
You'd think the god-knows-how-much HECS fees would get somebody half-decent.
(Heaven help the full-fee payers!) But no.
I bet my grandmother could do a better job than any of my tutors. She's dead.
Of course, doing a better job isn't asking for much.
One tutor spends 85% of the class time with his back towards the class and
would be lucky to have 200 words pass his lips in an hour-long session. He
hasn't grasped the concept that to be able to read a blackboard, you have to
apply some effort to writing on it. He can't even pronounce "kinetic"
properly, which is really sad, 'cause even our Polish lecturer can say it
right.
Another is always late and has to ask a student to pull down a whiteboard for
him. I wonder how long it'll take him to realise he's tall enough to do it
himself. Don't place any bets though, he's an electrical engineer.
But the King Dick of all crap tutors is my esteemed maths tutor. The sod has
about three names memorised (one of which happens to be mine) and calls on us
for everything. He manages to make easy problems difficult, and can't even
transcribe the solutions he gets given each week without long pauses to
figure out what he's writing. And I have to let this guy mark my assignments.
Hell, if all a tutor is going to do is write up stuff they get given, we
shouldn't bother with tutes.
One tute I can recommend, though, is 500-203, Intermediate Euchre. It's
completely hands-on, offers equal participation and is a blast to boot. It's
HECS band Q (a one-off payment of about $7) and can be taken as an overload
subject every semester. Ask for it at a uni near you.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the grenade is mightier than the pen.
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"THE NEGATIVE" - by Arcane Frog
(Author's Note: This is my second piece in the technicolour trilogy after
`Chromatic' in the last issue. I hope it creates as vivid images in your mind
as it conjures in my own.)
Once, my memories of you were like a photo,
Everything was filled with vivid colours.
The Emerald of your eyes
The crimson of your lips
The white of the cutest little smile
Even your existence had a colour
Too complex to describe exactly,
But everything you did exuded with the
warm glow of your soul.
Its golden irridesence was infectious.
When we were together I felt... different...
I felt... colourful for the first time in my life
Even the world became brighter and more defined...
But as photos fade, so do my memories,
Time and pain drains shiny memories and leaves them
in grayscale.
Hard as I try I can only see:-
The cold grey in your eyes
The darkness of your disdain
The ebony of your heart
All the colours have been leeched by sadness and bitterness
These days all I am left with is a negative of the life
we used to share and no matter how long I hold it up
to the light it will never get any brighter
I realise that my memories will never again have that
technicolour shine, that you and I once shared
together.
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"HANDS UP ALL BEAVERS" - by Adagio
Speaking of pr0n, teenage boys tend to abuse the service provided by the Pr0n
L0rds of the World.
I believe this mainly because of the fact that I'm told I look like a certain
pr0n st@r.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shit you not!
But, Adagio, surely you do not look like a _pr0n st@r_!! Who has told you
this nasty and disturbing lie??
Nasty? I'm not sure.
Disturbing? Hellyeah..
My friend General Zod is an interesting guy. It's just that he saw "me" in
one of his tossing accessories.
Thus the concern -
Has he just imagined the likeness after he discovered the... uhm, model? Or
was there some kind of match up after we first met?
I don't know.
And frankly...
I don't wanna know.
Just had to share. :)
Adagio... spreading nonsense to the masses since 1984...
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"DEUX" - by AlterEcho
-ON- much better now alert and sharp full of spirit and soul
and yet something still lingers ah yes time to feed everywhere
is life and soon soon there will be be death now revel in the
sweet pleasure of the kill but can the hunger truly be sated
once the hunter is born or rather say not born but instead
loosed from within for that is what it truly is and yes it is
good to be home and can you taste the carnage adrenaline rush
blood stained waters the buzz the gleeful buzz and listen to
the screams in the dark and the wrenching sobs the harmonies
of pain a skillful chorus in C sharp minor perhaps and oh feel
how it heeds naught as it tortures and cuts and and numbs and
paralyses and hurts and stabs and strangles and kills and -OFF-
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"I WISH THIS WERE MY BIO (THE STORY OF ARIANRHOD)" - by Arianrhod
THE MYTH - FROM AN ANCIENT WELSH TEXT: THE MABINOGION
Gwydion was the adviser to King Math, who could only remain alive if his feet
lay in the lap of a virgin at all times except when he led his armies into
battle. During a battle the virgin who had held King Math's feet was raped,
and so a replacement was needed.
Gwydion recommended his sister, Arianrhod. King Math tested her virginity by
having her step over his magic wand. As she stepped over the wand she gave
birth to a boy child with yellow hair. The child cried loudly, and a
humiliated Arianrhod ran from the room, dropping another small object on the
ground in the process.
Before anyone could catch a glance at the object, Gwydion wrapped it and hid
it inside a chest. King Math then performed rites for the yellow haired boy
child, naming him Dylan. Dylan immediately ran for the sea and received the
sea's nature and was never seen again.
A time later Gwydion presented Arianrhod with the object that he had hidden
in the chest - a second boy child. Arianrhod was outraged at the "evidence"
of her humiliation at the hands of King Math and rejected the child.
She laid on him three curses:
He shall have no name except one she gives him.
He shall bear no arms except ones she gives him.
He shall have no wife of the race that is now on the earth.
Gwydion was outraged by these curses and worked to break them. He disguised
himself and the boy child as shoemakers and travelled to Caer Arianrhod. When
Arianrhod went to have shoes fitted, the boy child threw a stone at a bird
and deftly hit it.
Arianrhod commented on the child's skilful hand. At that Gwydion revealed
himself and the child and stated that she had just named him - Llew Llaw
Gyffes, the Shining Skilful Hand. This threw Arianrhod into a fiery rage and
she stormed back to Caer Arianrhod swearing that the boy would never bear
arms or have a human wife.
Again Gwydion tricked Arianrhod into breaking her own curse. He disguised
himself and Llew as travellers and sought refuge in Caer Arianrhod. While
they were there Gwydion caused an illusion showing a powerful armada of ships
advancing on Caer Arianrhod. Making ready for battle Arianrhod threw open her
armory and armed her retainers.
Gwydion suggested to Arianrhod that she give arms to him and Llew (once again
in disguise) and they would fight at the defence of the castle. She readily
agreed and thereby, unwittingly, granted arms to her son, breaking the second
curse.
Gwydion then revealed himself and the boy to Arianrhod and told her that she
may as well take the arms back from her son, as there really was no battle to
be fought.
Enraged at being tricked a second time, Arianrhod took comfort in her third
curse - that Llew would have no human wife. Gwydion, upset at the cruelty
Arianrhod was showing her son, vowed to break this curse also. Gwydion went
to King Math and explained Llew's plight. Combining their magic they created
a woman made of flowers, Blodeuwedd, to be wife to Llew, and broke
Arianrhod's third curse.
Humiliated by King Math, thwarted by her son, forsaken by her brother,
Arianrhod retreated to her castle Caer Arianrhod. Here she later drowned when
the sea reclaimed the land.
THE SYMBOLS
Arianrhod is the keeper of the Silver Wheel of Stars, a symbol of time and
karma. In the Avalonian Tradition Arianrhod is associated with the Fire
Elementals. Her symbols include:
A Silver Wheel
The Moon
The Stars
The Corona Borealis
Seasonal Rites
Fertility
Reincarnation
Regeneration
The Cycle of Birth, Death and Re-Birth
Weaving
THE SPIRITUALISM
The spirit of Arianrhod is a symbol of prophecy and dreams. As a meditative
glyph, She provides a glimpse of both the past and future, but the traveller
must follow the Spirit of Arianrhod with an open heart and mind. She is the
personification of the ever-turning Wheel of the Year. This wheel was also
known as the Oar Wheel, a ship that carried dead warriors to the Moon-land
(Emania). She is a primal figure of female power and authority and is
considered an Ancestral Goddess of the Celts.
The key to the nature of this Goddess is that She is in control of the
interactions of human lives and of the matter of creation itself. In Irish
tradition we find that the Goddess of the Land of Erin may manifest as a
weaver.
She lives in a stellar realm, Caer Arianrhod - otherwise known as the Corona
Borealis, with her female attendants and there she decides the fate of the
dead. The Corona Borealis is the self-same constellation that is associated
with Ariadne, a Greek resonance of Arianrhod. She is a very sexual Goddess
and mates freely with any man she chooses, whenever she chooses, as her body
is hers to do with, as she wants.
For this reason she is often in open rebellion against patriarchal society.
Many believe that her myths represent the shift from the time of Celtic
women's full freedom to that of male centered clans and male domination of
women.
THE DISCLAIMER
Sorry it's long, but this is important shit, Bawss. That's the story of
Arianrhod, and don't I wish it were the story of me? Ha ha ha.
There are other goddesses who feature in the Mabinogion, and together with
Arianrhod make up the Cycle of Avalon, these are Blodeuwedd, Branwen,
Cerridwen and Rhiannon. I'll cover their stories in forthcoming episodes.
Hee! A serial. Gotta love that.
THE AUTHOR
~~Arianrhod~~
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"VIRTUALDATE.C" - by Conjugate Acid (featuring AlterEcho)
/* This code compiles (I hope). */
/* Props to AlterEcho for fixing up */
/* all my shitty code -- you rule! */
/* Wow, the code looks pretty!@# */
/* You're so darn clever!$ */
/* NB. This comment was NOT included */
/* by AE. Thank you. */
#include <stdio.h>
int main( void )
{
char a;
char *name;
int age, number;
printf("\nPlease enter your name:\n");
scanf("%s", &name);
printf("\nWelcome %s to CLiT's Virtual Dating Services,\n", &name);
printf("where we provide you with the chix0r of your dreams.\n");
printf("Since I'm too lazy, at the moment this service is\n");
printf("exclusively for the male population...\n");
printf("Yeah, I know it's sexist -- so sue me!@\n");
printf("Um, actually don't, since I'm poor.\n");
printf("So on with the service. We require two simple things from you,\n");
printf("a number between 1 and 10, and a letter of the alphabet.\n");
printf("Please enter the first number between\n");
printf("1 and 10 that comes in your mind:\n");
scanf("%d", &number);
if ((number > 10) || (number < 0)) {
printf("You're either an idiot, or else\n");
printf("your mathematical skillz are just not l33t enough!\n");
printf("Please press ctrl-c to quit the program.\n");
while (1);
return 0;
}
else {
printf("Now please enter the first letter ");
printf("that comes into your mind:\n");
scanf("%s", &a);
printf("Now using the unqiue combination of your\n");
printf("selected number letter, we can use a\n");
printf("psychological and analytical technique\n");
printf("to work out what type of girls you like!\n");
printf("DONE! Please enter your age and press enter:\n");
scanf("%d", &age);
printf("\n\n\n\n\n\n\n");
printf("The type of girls you like most is...\n");
printf("\n\n\n\n");
printf("BRBB IIIII GGGG BBBB RRRR EEEEE AAA");
printf(" SSS TTTTT EEEEE DDDD\n");
printf("B B I G B B R R E A A");
printf(" S T E D D\n");
printf("BRBB I G GGG BBBB RRRR EEEEE A A");
printf(" SSS T EEEEE D D\n");
printf("B B I G G B B R R E AAAAA");
printf(" S T E D D\n");
printf("BBBB IIIII GGG BBBB R R EEEEE A A");
printf(" SSS T EEEEE DDDD\n\n");
printf(" GGGG IIIII RRRR L SSS\n");
printf("G I R R L S\n");
printf("G GGG I RRRR L SSS\n");
printf("G G I R R L S\n");
printf(" GGG IIIII R R LLLLL SSS\n");
printf("\n\n\n\n");
printf("You know you like them.\n\n");
printf("Please press ctrl-c to quit the program.\n");
while (1);
return 0;
}
}
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"TROIS" - by AlterEcho
-ON- and silence floating under pale moonlight alone so very
alone empty with spent anger silence wondering what's to come
next but hell who cares anyway just bring it bring it on
nothing that can't be dealt with right nothing that hasn't
already been dealt with before once twice more even silence
now what was once so dazzling and beautiful seems listless
colourless a world of wasted greys when did the cool change
come where was the promised warning and in the silence can you
hear the soul's mournful cry oh oh can you hear the whispers
of a heart or maybe just maybe it's already been switched -OFF-
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..--------------------------------------------------------------------------.
:| (C) 2002 by CLiT || http://clit.freeshell.org || clit@sdf.lonestar.org |
:| Australian Owned & Made || Released 15.04.02 |
:`--------------------------------------------------------------------------'
:
: THOSE FORCED TO STAND UNDER THE CLiT FLAG BY THAT BASTARD ALTERECHO:-
:
: Aerialisticish :- Thank you, come again! ;
: Arianrhod :- *MEGALICK* ;
: Adagio :- Hands off my porn star! ;
: Conjugate Acid :- Parry! Thrust! Riposte! Lunge! Hah! ;
: AlkalineAngel :- Where did all the frogs go? ;
: Anon :- Up and down like a yo-yo ;
: Arcane Frog :- Varying the various varieties! ;
: AlterEcho :- Would you like to hear MY Chasing Amy story? ;
: et al!
*
