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CLiT #17: Left. Right. Right.
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> - %l .%%~ -=============[ The Pleasure 'Zine ]==========- <
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"EDITORIAL" - by AlterEcho
So.
Really, if this were the perfect editorial, that would be the end of it. But
alas, my friend, what is perfect in this world (apart from Alyson Hannigan,
of course)?
Thus, I will engage in light conversation, and other editorial-type issues.
For example, perhaps now is a good time to mention that this issue features
works of two new writers! Brand spanking new! That's right, these babies were
only purchased yesterday, and at a bargain price, too!
So first up is Conjugate Acid, with a highly informative article about
broadband. Conjugate Acid is a small, robust, green vegetable. His hobbies
include ballroom dancing and origami (and fine pursuits they are too). He is
married, with two children.
Arianrhod is a Celtic Goddess. However, as no-one even believes in God
anymore, she finds little with which to fill the days (except SEX, and plenty
of it). In this, her virgin outing, Arianrhod discusses another one of her
favourite topics: DRUGS.
Aerialisticish is back with more crazy antics, and an ASCII b33nbag dude to
boot, and I present the second episode of my journey that began back in issue
#15. Frankly, I can't believe I wrote it, but on the other hand, I can't
believe I'm including it here either.
All this and much, much more! So forge on, intrepid reader, forge on.
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"TABLE OF CONTENTS"
{x} -=- "EDITORIAL" ............................................... AlterEcho
{x} -=- "TABLE OF CONTENTS" .................................................
{x} -=- "CONJUGATE ACID'S GUIDE TO BROADBAND IN AUSTRALIA" ... Conjugate Acid
{x} -=- "CLiT ELECTION CORNER" ..............................................
{x} -=- "AUNTY-INFLAMMATORY" ...................................... Arianrhod
{x} -=- "A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION" ........................... Aerialisticish
{x} -=- "THE JOURNEY CONTINUES" ................................... AlterEcho
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"CONJUGATE ACID'S GUIDE TO BROADBAND IN AUSTRALIA"
- by Conjugate Acid
Well, here I will be ranting on about broadband and its status in Australia.
If you don't know what broadband is, which hole have you been living in for
the past 5 years? For those ignorant about broadband, let me give you a
simple explanation, it's a thick-arse cable that you connect to you this
really pretty box which has flashing lights. This pretty little box is then
stabbed into your computer and there you go, you have broadband. Now because
the cable that they use is thick-arse, it's supposedly faster that your
normal crappy telephone line modem connection (which isn't as thick) by up to
10000%. Well since you've read this far, I'll let you in on a little secret,
"FASTER THAN 10000% MY ARSE". Anyone who uses this to advertise broadband
should be shot and made to suck a monkey backwards.
So you live in Australia and want to get broadband huh? Well unless you
decide to join some obscure company run by unknown little aliens that take
your money and then ship it to outer space, you generally have two choices;
Telstra (fondly known by many as Tel$tra or Tel-Scum, and no the $ symbol
doesn't mean they are value for money), or you could go for Optus (more
commonly known as Opt-Arse).
Can't decided between Opt-Arse or Tel$tra? Let me give you a simple run down
on both.
First Tel$tra: For around $80 a month and installation fee of $400 you get a
cable (no this one isn't thick-arse), a weird looking box (yes it's weird,
the box has also been know to give off funny coloured smoke and a burning
smell after extended use), a simple and easy to use installation CD (yeah
it's about as simple as chaos theory maths problems) and last but not least a
contract saying "j00 h4v3 b33n suck3r3d". But you ask, "What are the
capabilities that they provide?" Well you can download at 256 or 512kbps
depending on how much $$$ you give Tel$tra. So the speed isn't bad I suppose,
but it's definitely not the 10000% we've been hearing. But then one day
Tel-Scum decided that "No this is not acceptable, we are using 1% of the
total potential bandwidth available, we must limit the traffic by introducing
a 3Gb limit." So for each megabyte you download beyond 3Gb, you have to pay
more $$$. So if you happen to have a goldmine in your backyard, then Tel$tra
is 4 YOU!!!
Opt-Arse: Well the price is around the same as Tel$tra and you get basically
get the same items, except the cable is more thick-arse (ie, you get more
bandwidth), a pretty white box with green flashing lights that annoy the hell
outta you, and an installation CD that will give you more pleasure using it
as a frisbee than trying to figure out it's intended purpose. Well I must
admit that the speed of Opt-Arse cable is much better than Tel-Scum, but it's
still nothing to be proud of, you'll be lucky if you got a constant 50kb/s.
Also the Opt-Arse network has more bugs than you can chuck a stick at, every
two days you get a minor problem (ie, sites not working, DNS problems) and
every 5 days you get a major problem with the whole bloody network just
giving you the middle finger and refusing to work. And it would be just your
luck if these problems happen on the weekend since, Opt-Arse decided that on
weekends they don't need friggin' engineers to watch over the network and
even online help is limited to an automated response saying "We have received
your email and we will try to resolve your problem immediately after we have
taken our daytime nap and had 2 days to figure out a solution". Asking
Opt-Arse technicians for help is like talking to a dog, heck at least the dog
barks back =P.
Well there is some good news if you choose Opt-Arse, THERE IS NO DOWNLOAD
LIMIT!!!! w00t!!! Happy happy joy joy!!! OR SO YOU THINK! Instead of download
limits, Opt-Arse introduced some crap called Netstats. Netstats is basically
a number, but it's a gawd-damn frightening number. Because you see, if your
netstats happen to be GREATER THAN the magic number 10, then according to
some hidden clause in the terms of contract, Opt-Arse can boot you off the
service, no questions asked. Then they use scare-tactics similar to those
used by terrorists saying "If j00 go over 10, we ban your arse from Optus for
LIFE, muahahahaha." So basically it means that if you join Opt-Arse you will
become a paranoid little computer nerd constantly monitoring your netstats
and cursing Opt-Arse whenever the netstats page is down (which is quite often
mind you).
So the big question, "If I want broadband and I live in Australia, what
should I do???"
Final Verdict: If you want to get broadband, leave Australia ASAP!!!
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"CLiT ELECTION CORNER"
A little over two weeks ago, the fuckhead population of Australia re-elected
Prime Minister John Howard, and his Liberal Party, for a third consecutive
term. Frankly, I'm all for democracy, but only once all the stupid people
have been rounded up and put to work in salt mines. Anyway, what we have here
are the thoughts of some of the greatest minds of our time, concerning the
matter.
"I think that having an 'election corner' rather than an 'election issue'
symbolises how little importance it has in my life" -- Aerialisticish
"I hate that fascist beast John whatever his name is" -- Bu Joe
"The election is about who is better at sucking people in, i guess this time
round, John "I suck @$$" Howard was the better sucker" -- Conjugate Acid
"Did I win???" -- Leather Pants
"We're all going to fucking die" -- AlterEcho
"I think my fish Cornflake Two should be the Prime Minister of Australia as
he is more learned than the party leaders. He has the integrity, the self-
presentation (provided he's in a bowl) to run this country" -- AlkalineAngel
"John Howard is more of a git than Rimmer!!" -- Ace
"The election was rigged. Things are supposed to change after an election,
but they stayed the same" -- Arianrhod
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"AUNTY-INFLAMMATORY (Or: I'm not dependent upon Nurofen)"
- by Arianrhod
Contains Ibuprofen 200mg.
Ahh yes. Ibuprofen. The medical professions gift to feelers of pain
worldwide. Ibuprofen is the active ingredient in THE candy-coated painkiller,
Nurofen.
Bow down before the shimmering silver packaging. Give thanks and praise to
the candy-coating.
If you have not yet experienced the joys of Nurofen, you must be either
indestructible or suffering immeasurable pain and anguish on a daily basis.
If you have experienced the beauty of Nurofen, you are a privileged little
human bean. For the former, here is a brief but devoted description of
Nurofen, the wonder drug. It is an anti-inflammatory. It is effective in the
treatment of pain associated with broken bones, torn ligaments, headaches,
period pains and other forms of inflammation. (and no, I am NOT copying this
off the back of the box. Its small, it's white, it looks like a Smartie with
NUROFEN printed on the side.
B U T
It does not taste like a Smartie. Do not bite Nurofen. It reacts badly to
such rough treatment. Nurofen likes to be swallowed with a mouthful of water.
If bitten, it ejects a bitter white pressed powder onto the tongue, the likes
of which will cause severe gagging in the consumer. It preys on the
inflammation caused by headaches, period pain and other such injuries,
consuming it, and leaving a tingly feeling in it's wake. Nurofen can be found
nesting in Pharmacies Australia-wide, and can be obtained for a reasonable
price.
So embrace it, ingest it, and feel the pain slipping away.
You know I am right. You just don't want to admit it.
www.nurofen.com
I shit you not.
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"A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION" - by Aerialisticish
A hypothetical situation:
Something is irritating you, it flies around your head and makes a buzzing
noise. Sometimes it stings you.
What do you do?
(Options listed in increasing order of effort)
A. Ignore it
B. Try to understand it in an attempt to turn it off
C. Try to restrain it
D. Destroy it
Results:
A. You try this for a while, but it doesn't work
B. No luck, no apparent logic to it
C. No luck and now it's worse
D. Another one comes to replace it
Options:
E. Keep destroying them
F. Try to Hide
G. Find the source & do something
Results:
E. Can't keep it up forever, but it sure is satisfying
F. Nope
G. You find it after destroying many and getting stung a LOT
Options:
H. Look for something to disable it
I. Try to destroy it
Results:
H. Nope, but you saw that coming, didn't you?
I. You can't get near enough for fear of being stung to death
Options:
J. Go for it anyway!
K. Destroy it from afar
Results:
J. You're dead, or crippled, or something, and it looks like it's coming back
K. It seems to be able to resist projectiles well
Options:
L. Give up
M. Build a robot!
Results:
L. You eventually go mad
M. Your army of robots keep it non-functional, destroying it as it comes
back. You Win.
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"THE JOURNEY CONTINUES" - by AlterEcho
I guess some of you pedants out there will try to point out to me that my
journey to Ye Olde England is in fact complete - however, in my defence, I
will freely admit that while my specific journey to Ye Olde England has
undoubtedly concluded, we all know that life itself is a journey, and indeed
this story further relates the events of my life. Nyah.
So picture this. Ye Olde England. Circa 1558. A thin, dark-skinned man with
wild hair and unshaven jowls sprints naked through the streets, a hunk of
brown bread in one hand and his shlong in the other, to prevent it for
slapping against his thighs. A pretty picture to be sure, and one day perhaps
you would like to paint the scene and hang it up in your bedroom.
Now here's a history lesson for ya, again competantly delivered by Maggie
Secara's `A Compendium of Common Knowledge 1558-1603'. "The streets were
narrow, cobbled, slippery with the slime of refuse. Houses were crammed
together, and there were a lot of furtive alleys. Chamber pots, or jordans,
were emptied out of windows. There was no drainage. Fleet Ditch stank to make
a man throw up his gorge."
I sprinted away from the fat baker and looked for somewhere to hide, ignoring
the incredulous looks of the general public. I passed several furtive alleys
and finally decided to seek refuge in one, but I slipped on the cobbled
street that was covered with the slime of refuse. My cursing increased
tenfold, nay, a hundredfold when some mangy old tart emptied her jordan out
of her window onto my head.
"Up ye get, scoundrel," snarled a new voice. I looked up, into the face of a
lightly armoured, grizzled old man. Behind him were three similarly armed,
albeit younger, men. "Ye're nicked," he added, unnecessarily. I coughed,
retched, then threw up my gorge on the speaker's sandals. I didn't know about
Fleet Ditch - heck, I didn't even know what a gorge was - but the smell here
was pretty bad. He spat on me, and began kicking me in the head. Thankfully I
blacked out.
When I came to, I was obviously in some sort of dungeon. It was pretty
obvious because the grizzled old soldier was standing outside a locked gate,
and when I woke up, growled "Yer in prison, ye little grubby bastard." I was
still naked and pretty sore to boot.
"Where's my bread?" I asked defiantly. He stared at me a moment, then burst
out laughing. I blinked, then started snickering as well. At that, however,
he immediately stopped laughing, pulled down his trunk hose (his pants, don't
you know), and sprayed my face with semen from his other hose. This shut me
up pretty quickly, because his fluids tasted worse than those of my last
girlfriend, and believe me, that's saying something. I blacked out again.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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..--------------------------------------------------------------------------.
:| (C) 2001 by CLiT || http://clit.freeshell.org || clit@sdf.lonestar.org |
:| Australian Owned & Made || Released 25.11.01 |
:`--------------------------------------------------------------------------'
:
: THOSE WHO STAND UNDER THE CLiT FLAG OF VARIETY AND DIVERSITY :-
:
: Conjugate Acid :- All of your mothers and fathers la ;
: Arianrhod :- Doormat, doormat, doormat ;
: Aerialisticish :- SUPER-MEGA-ULTRA-L33T J0!@ ;
: AlterEcho :- This little cat ain't comin' back ;
: et al!
:
: CLiT _IS_ THE SPICE OF LIFE! SEASON YOUR LIFE WITH CLiT TODAY!@
*
