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CLiT #16: I Need to Go to the Toilet
[alterecho@queeg CLiT]$ banner -w41 CLiT
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[alterecho@queeg CLiT]$ vim c16.txt
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
...Episode XVI...
_I Need to Go to the Toilet_
(It's true! I do! And you should too!)
.---------------.
| ++ +++ ++ | Yes, my fine, fine friends, your very own AlterEcho and the
| +++ ++ | famed CLiT Cr00 have returned, after what has been a
| ++ +++ +++| difficult separtion for both parties. The time for mourning
|+++ + +++ +++ | has passed; throw done your handkerchiefs, grab your
| +++ ++ +++| trombones, and wiggle your shapely behind. Aw jeah, that's
| ++ ++ ++ | where it's at, gerl. Oh yeah baby. You know it's true.
`---------------'
:: : :: THE STORY BEGINS HERE :: : ::
__________________ ___________________________ ________________________
\ / \ /
What is poetry || ||
but || ||
a poorly phrased || ||
sentence? || ||
|| ||
|| They asked me how I was ||
|| I opened my mouth ||
|| Closed it ||
|| And stared out the window ||
|| Stumped. ||
|| ||
|| || The weight of years
|| || slowly suffocates me.
|| || I close my eyes;
|| || Headspin.
__________________/ \___________________________/ \________________________
Now I am going to tell you about how much I suck.
:: : :: THE PART WHERE I TELL YOU HOW MUCH I SUCK BEGINS HERE :: : ::
OK here goes. I suck because I really cannot write very well. Maybe I would
do better if I tried harder, but really, I suck too much to try much harder
than I am now.
I suck because I still like you. You're nothing special, let me tell you. But
being the sucker that I am, I can find nothing but compassion in my heart for
you. Yes I am a beautiful person. But soon my beauty will fade, like the long
last days of Summer melt into the dreary Autumn rains, like the old soldiers,
like the indicator head on a toothbruth. And this makes me sad.
This is silly.
:: : :: THIS IS THE PART WHERE I TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT :: : ::
Well actually I didn't do anything last night, so I'll you about what I did
the night before. In fact, I'll just do it in one long, breathless run-on
sentence. Okay so we went out to dinner and then we all got a little bit
tipsy on Vodka Cruisers and our teeth and tongues and lips went blue but from
the alcohol not from the cold because really, it was a very warm evening and
then we decided to go to the pub and everyone was really quite happy drunk
and I got tickled but that was fun and then I got slapped and I'm not sure if
that was fun or not.
But she had red hair.
And do you know what? She still does have red hair. I saw it with my very own
eyes.
:: : :: I CANNOT TALK ABOUT RED HAIR WITHOUT OBSESSING ABOUT WILLOW :: : ::
Yes I'm sorry, but I just can't help myself. Her hair is like the colour of
an Autumn sunset, ahhhh. It is surely symbolic of her fiery and passionate
nature, and of her communist tendencies.
Alyson Hannigan, we shall love thee for all time.
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
In order to supplement my anabated lack of brilliance, I wish to offer to you
this young lass. She probably isn't a virgin, so sacrificing her probably
wouldn't mean anything to any gods, but at least her writing is readable.
I am, of course, talking about the CLiT Kid, young Abyss. Abyss was born in
the north-western suburbs towards the end of the twentieth century, and was
raised on a staple diet of an alfalfa sprout. At the tender age of seventeen
and two fifths, she decided to join the then relatively unknown CLiT Cr00,
whose amazing textfiles were a great boon to all literate societies
everywhere (ie. not New Zealand). Unfortunately, CLiT's editor was a young
gentleman called AlterEcho, a most BORING and OBNOXIOUS creature, who liked
nothing better than to talk about his own miseries and...
{ CURTAINS CLOSE }
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
{ CURTAINS OPEN }
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
"The Story So Far"
==================
I'm standing on a kingdom of toothpicks.
I swear to God, I am.
I suppose my problem is that I can't seem to avoid myself. All consequences
can be borne in the morning, and all that. The doctrine of karma; cause and
effect.
But... and perhaps it's just me... but waking up one day to find you've
become emotional shrapnel in somebody else's Love Circus seems to be just a
hair shy of an extreme consequence.
And you know what?
I can't remember a damn thing abut what I did to deserve it, grand-theft auto
aside. I've just managed to meander my way onto the crossroads, and now I
have friend's friend's friend's friends waiting to see which side I fall to,
if and when I get hit by any random fire.
No, that's not true. I've never stolen a car that I haven't brought back.
But I still want to know why I've become a chess piece in this little Love
Circus my friends have going on.
... and... is it a good thing that the guy I'm cheerleading for is the
Captain of the school Chess Team?
You think about that and get back to me.
Abyss.
========
========
"To Tim. This is Why I Dumped You"
You don't Burn
-no Fire kindled alike my own,
I am not Your Life!
-am the Tailor with my pins;
I am beneath this Cover
-with a strong Power alike no Other.
Lit, Alive, and Alone.
-You don't Burn.
5/8/01 - 1/9/01
==========
==========
"I am in Love"
I am in love
with a man
who doesn't actually exist.
You don't laugh
when I tell you,
you shift your eyes
and smile.
Tell me about how you
used to think like that
and touch
the side of my side
with your fist.
===========
===========
"Above Me"
I am stuck in your grave
and your bluntly carved box
is a house to your words
that haunt me.
I should unpack myself here.
Or gather up and move again.
Instead of living your loss
in the violet soldiering night
where you're still not giving up
your upperhand.
20/9/2001
thursday.
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
My dear Abyss,
As usual, I didn't bother reading your poetry, so I had plenty of time to
think about what you said, and now, of course, I am getting back to you.
While there is undoubtedly little prestige afforded to those who excel at the
game of chess in this country, there is no doubt that it is indeed a game
requiring fairly significant intellect. Why, I myself was the chess champion
of my school. And furthermore, as you surely know, I am a being of no small
scholarly prowess!
Hence, I say to you, look not at the activities with which one chooses to
occupy their time. Rather, look to the person themselves, to their hair
colour, skin colour, and general attractiveness. Ask yourself important
questions, such as: "Is this a person with whom I would like to share bodily
fluids?" and I feel certain and the best course of action to take in this
situation will quickly become clear to you.
I'm sure you will find that this advice will bring great relief to your
worried heart, an effect my advice always brings. Please don't hesitate to
contact me for further details on how to live you life.
Good luck with this and your future pursuits,
Love,
AlterEcho
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
Well, I know that this is unreadable, but frankly, you should be used to this
by now. Lordy, we're just a bunch of uneducated black men! Well, I am. And
that's all that matters. And it's 3:30 in the morning, and wow am I sleepy!
In fact, I'm so tired I don't think I could sleep right now! Isn't that
funny! I know I'm gigglin'! Anyhoo, speaking of Aerialisticish, he's got
something to say to yawl. I really think you should listen carefully to what
he has to say. Surely, he has earned your respect by now, as we all should
have! Ahh the countless literary gems we have brought to you, over the past
nine months, lighting up your individual worlds like a bottle of vodka, like
a big pizza pie, like Oprah Winfrey, for fuck's sake. And furthermore -
{ CURTAINS CLOSE }
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
{ CURTAINS OPEN }
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
"I am away from my computer right now (OR Moody in Melbourne)"
==============================================================
A e r i a l i s t i c i s h
She's gone away. She's gone away to Queensland and left me here for 10 days.
[For those who came in late - 'she' is Asadersialle] It's not like I begrudge
her a holiday, or any free time or - well it's a family thing, she kinda has
to go. A lot of our other friends are off in China, so when I look outside
and see that sun and heat and wanna go out... it sucks. I've got other
friends about, but they're not the type to share a beautiful day with. So I'm
lonely. The school gave me a pile of work, too. So I'm oppressed to boot.
I'm gonna have to ring her tomorrow - hope she left the mobile on. Maybe in
6 days when this is over I'll have somethign more rational and analytical
(and cynical :) ) to say about this. See you then.
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
.----------------------------.
| ++++++ | We will, we will indeed see you then, then.
| +++++ ++ +++ | That brings us to the end of another RIGHTEOUS
| ++++ +++ +++ ++ +++| episode of what is surely the greatest thing
| ++++++++ +++ +++ +++++ | to ever happen in the recorded history of our
|+++++++++ +++ +++ +++ | planet. Yes, that's right, CLiT is wunderbar,
|+++++ +++ ++ ++ ++ ++| and if you hadn't realised it before, you're
|++++++ ++ ++ ++ +++++ | not very clever, are you? That's OK, though,
|+++++++++ ++ ++ ++ | here at CLiT, we cater for all sorts! So hang
| ++++ | tough, beautiful (but not too bright) people.
`----------------------------'
..--------------------------------------------------------------------------.
:| (C) CLiT 2001 || http://thepleasurezine.cjb.net || clit@sdf.lonestar.org |
:`--------------------------------------------------------------------------'
:
: THOSE WHO STAND UNDER THE CLiT FLAG OF LOVE, PEACE AND DEBAUCHERY :-
:
: Abyss :- Sex maniac, and believer of the impossible ;
: Aerialisticish :- Lovesick puppy dawg, and d-d-dangerous ;
: AlterEcho :- The eternal pessimist, and grumpy old man ;
: et al!
*
[alterecho@queeg CliT]$ date
Mon Sep 24 11:24:47 EST 2001
[alterecho@queeg CLiT]$ shutdown -h now
