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CLiT #15: The Fun Special Bumper Holiday Issue!
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########### ...episode XV...
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##### / THE \ | P | / ZINE \
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# | x----x | E | | | x-x x-x
| / | A | | | | |
| \ | S | | x | |
| x----x | U x----x | \ | | #
x \ x R \ x x--x x x ###
\ / \ E / \ | \ / #####
x-------x x-------x x-----x xx #######
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...The Fun Special Bumper Holiday Issue!... ###########
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|| "YES, OKAY"
|| by AlterEcho
And so AlterEcho called upon The Great and Almost All-Powerful Aerialisticish
and did ask him this question: "What shall we do for CLiT 15, d00d?"
And verily, Aerialisticish spaketh unto his loyal and faithful servant
AlterEcho these words: "Why, it shall be The Fun Special Bumper Holiday
Issue, you f00l!"
"Whatever, f00," AlterEcho replied and hung up the phone. He was then
instantly killed in a freak accident involving a two three-toed sloths and a
truckload of jelly beans (YUM YUM).
So basically, what I'm trying to tell you is that:
a) AlterEcho is dead;
b) I am AlterEcho; and
c) I have no idea what Aerialisticish was talking about, but it will give me
the chance to include installment numero uno of my new saga, starring me!
Joy. I even did some research for this one, because I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
So enjoy the issue, and uh, have lots of fun!
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----------------------------------- x---x -----------------------------------
WELCOME TO THE PLEASURE ZINE (#15) / x-x \ I WILL STAB YOU IN THE HEAD SILLY!
--------------------------------- / / \ \ ---------------------------------
/ / x-x \ \
/ / / \ \
x x x LIT ! x x
\ \ \ / /
\ \ x-x / /
--------------------------------- \ \ / / ---------------------------------
WORDS FLOW NATURALLY FROM MY BRAIN \ x-x / THIS IS INDEED A TABLE OF CONTENTS
----------------------------------- x---x -----------------------------------
x) "YES, OKAY" -- by AlterEcho
x) Table of Contents
x) "WE INTERRUPT THIS TRANSMISSION..." -- Abyss + AlterEcho
x) "ONE WAY TO HAVE FUN" -- Aerialisticiah
x) "McDELICIOUS TALES (PART 1)" -- AlkalineAngel
x) "STEP THIS WAY, JACKASS" -- AlkalineAngel + AlterEcho
x) "McDELICIOUS TALES (PART 2)" -- AlkalineAngel
x) "JOURNEY TO YE OLDE ENGLAND" -- by AlterEcho
x) "FUN AND GAMES" -- by AlterEcho
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|| "WE INTERRUPT THIS TRANSMISSION..."
|| by Abyss and AlterEcho
OK this is your very own AlterEcho here, bringing you the latest from the
Cr00. But first, Abyss has got some stuff she's got on her conscience. Take
it away Abyss!
<Abyss_rant>
AlterEcho wants me to state to my 1000s of loyal fans, that I am sorry for
delaying this issue so incredibly, horribly, much.
But, to tell the truth? I'm sorry for pissing the Boss off, and possibly the
other members of the CrOO, but that's about it. Everyone else can kiss my
ass.
I'm usually a nice person too. But I don't want to be nice today. I don't
feel like it. I'm tired of being so nice. In fact, I don't think I even want
you near my ass. Get the hell away from me, you ass-kissers!
Incidentally, just if you're interested, my best friend Odessa is being
forced to move BrisVegas for 4 months because her asshole Dad accepted a job
there, and is uprooting the whole family right in the middle of Year 12
exams. How's that for irresponsible parenting?
I want to kick something and feel it break beneath my boots.
Tom loves me, I love Sydney, Sydney loves me, but has let (his best friend)
Tom take the stage.
O h , y e s.
I am Abyss.
</Abyss_rant>
OK this Mr. AE again. Obviously a very repentant and petulant Abyss there.
Pffft. Oh yeah, I should warn you, Abyss doesn't really have a good grasp on
just what `fun' means. Which kinda makes this entire issue pointless. What
else can you expect from a minor, though, eh?
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|| "ONE WAY TO HAVE FUN"
|| by Aerialisticish
When I think of fun, a couple of things spring to mind... one of them,
probably the main one, is violence. What fun! It must be all those videogames
heheheh. Not real violence, but fake and very very over-the-top violence,
hence my secret project, which shall remain secret for now. "Well why is this
fun?" I hear you ask. "You twisted person", I also hear. The answers are:
"Cos it's just so over the top!" and "Fuck you" respectively.
I've also just been playing hockey (the kind on synthetic grass, y'know, REAL
hockey), It's fun too. Are they linked? that'd be cool. If hockey were a
battle (and it almost is - which is why its fun) the really over-the-top
violence would probly be all the big hits that occur.
So, to increase the fun I get out of hockey I've gotta make those hits REALLY
OVER THE TOP. I'm gonna go get the biggest, heaviest, nastiest hockey stick
that's still legally usable in the game and practise with it until 'hitting
through the opposition' becomes an option rather than a mistake. THAT'S how
to have fun!
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|| "McDELICIOUS TALES (PART 1)"
|| by AlkalineAngel
I woke up the other day but I couldn't figure out whether it was day or night
so I went back to sleep. I woke up again and had the same problem so again I
returned to my sleep. There were all sorts of exciting things happening
inside of my head. I had semi-colans floating around, I had little pink
flying pigs reciting maths formulae and crack propagations in the building
and pretty houses made of chocolate. I had blue screens of death in the
county jail and illegal operations turning into boat people. My world inside
my head was really happenin'!
But then I woke up, my room was a mess, the floor buried soemwhere deep under
junk, the computer had frozen and most of all I was hungry!
I got out of bed and went to McDonalds for my McDelicious and then went back
to the world inside my head.
Goodnite,
AA
:)
ZZZZZZZ
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|| "STEP THIS WAY, JACKASS"
|| by AlkalineAngel and AlterEcho
.
./ \.
./' . '\.
./' ' ' '\.
./' BUCKLE UP '\.
/' ASSWIPES!@# '\ You might not believe it, but this is AlterEcho
'-------------------' again, introducing some more phat beats. Y0! Okay,
|*That snooty | so what we have here is loadsa fun. It's like that
| bitch from | fun violence stuff that Aerialisticish is into, but
| level 6 | it's for all you kiddies as well! Yes, that's right,
|*Dubya | CLiT is dedicated to the propagation of fun for your
|*Essendon FC | whole family! Spread the word!
|*John Howard |
|*All those | And yes, it's true that I'm just trying to fill up
| rude | space because I began this introduction a little bit
| customers | too high up and I'm not willing to edit this
| work | anymore, but hey, you love listening to me, don't
|*Parents | you? Yes, I know it's true.
|*Siblings |
|*That stupid | What we have for you right here, right now, is a
| cow who | public service. AlkalineAngel and I, pillars of
| tried to run| modern society that we are, have decided to send a
| me over when| whole bunch of evil people to where they belong -
| I had a | the sun.
| green man |
X=========== X Hopefully you won't be on board, but if you are,
/ ALTERECHO'S \ what can I say? That'll teach ya, motherfucka!
/ / TRIP TO \ \
/ // THE SUN \\ \
/___________________\
--------------------- <-- ALTERECHO'S
.' : '. ROCKET! PH33R!
: : :
: : :
: : :
: :
: :
R
R R
R R
R R
THIS IS R R
ALKALINEANGEL'S --> R R
ROCKET! DIG IT! R R
R R
R R
R R
R R
R R
R R
R R
R R
R R
My manager - She's a cow, she keeps complaining that I don't look corporate
enough. One day my pants aren't corporate, the next day my
hair isn't corporate, then my earings aren't corporate, my
shoes aren't corporate. It's like relax women and get down
from that power trip.
Old woman from Safeway - I was in the line at Safeway and she cut into the
line while I was deciding what magazine to buy.
I'll always hold a grudge against her.
Tanya - Girl from school I've always hated who used to catch the train with
me. I ignore her at work now and she ignores me. Sending her to the
sun will make it easier for me to be totally oblivious to her
existance.
Dad - I just hate him.
Monash try-hard players - Need I say more?
Sunitha - Girl from school whom I used to torture. Ever since her weak
attempt to steal that guy off me... well let's just say I'll
never let her forget that.
Head of Optus - They all want to kill us off one by one through death by
braintumours. The introduction of that addictive 'yes' Time
was NOT an act of goodwill.
All those insurances companies who claim I am a member and not a number
- Dammit let me be a number if I want to be.
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
* * * * *
*** *** *** *** ***
**** **** **** **** ****
***** ***** ***** ****** *****
*** **** *** **** ***
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|| "McDELICIOUS TALES (PART 2)"
|| by AlkalineAngel
It was the day of my exam and my brain fell out and I forgot to pick it up
and put it back in. So I went into the exam and failed, not miserably though
cos you can't fail miserably when you do an exam without a brain.
A month later results came out and I got a supp. But I've decided there are
more important things that supplementary exams. Like TV, and CLiT and most
all the fabulous McDelicious.
So I rocked up to my Maccas and ordered a McDelicious. But lo and behold,
disaster struck. The girl looked around the counter, behind her, even inside
the apple pie holding thingy and you know what. She couldn't find a
McDelicious. I was heartbroken, I was distraught, I was nearly about to
faint. And then my life was over, capishe, over.
I went onto MSN and my friend Soph declared her undying love for me and then
told me that the only thing we have no choice about in this world is to die.
And in my un-McDelicioused state I was feeling particularly dumb and slow and
took a few hours to understand what she said. Then I SMS'd it to someone who
thought I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I just couldn't understand
how it could ever be my choice not to have a McDelicious. I had no control
over what the manufacturers of Maccas decided upon.
I dunno, life sucks I think. 'Specially without my McDelicious. Now my life
will wait in limbo once more till Maccas decides to introduce the glorious
McDelicious again.
Till then, so long, my children. Good night and wake me up when the
McDelicious returns.
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|| "I DON'T EAT PIG FAT"
|| by Abyss
Say you have a patchwork quilt. And it's your family. Then one day your Uncle
John (the little one) goes and dies. It's not that your quilt got caught in
the spokes of your bicycle, violently ripping off the Uncle John patch. It's
just that, one day, someone makes clear to you that one of your patches has
fallen off. It is missing. And you look down and find this to be true. How's
that for you?
It's not even a feeling. Where there was Uncle John (the little one), there
is a void. Before he wasn't even exceptionally outstanding - but he completed
the quilt. And now there's a bloody gaping bloody hole in my family tree
quilt.
How rude. When I die, I'm gonna give people some goddamned warning. In fact,
I'm going to have a deathday party. And people better bloody well come, else
I'll be very pissed off. It's not fair.
Y'know...
I actually had all these little bits of really funny, cool stuff I was going
to give to AE to put in here, but now I can't, because it's inappropriate.
I'm actually in a love triangle, believe it or not. And I had this whole
thing about the turmoil I'm in. But now, just like my Grandpa, Uncle John
(the little one) is dead.
What's really freakin' me out, however, is the fact that I was up all
Wednesday night, and went to bed at 7.30am. Which is the time that Uncle John
was getting up and had his heart attack. I'd also written my first song in
the hours before.
Do you now understand why I am Abyss?
No, don't answer that. You've probably taken it the wrong way anyway.
Hell...
People keep leaving behind these great spaces when they go... When people-
shaped voids are the hardest to fill. You have to use a homemade combination
foundation so that other people won't look and point at the hole, and bend it
all out of shape trying to fit into it - when you don't even want them to,
and they don't even want to, and you know they don't want to. But they do
anyway, because they think that's what you want, when really, if it happened
to them, they wouldn't want people doing it either.
Feh...
Here's something though: I'm going to find Oscar Wilde's grave. And I'm going
to dig him up. And, if his body's not too badly decomposed, I'm going to take
the bones of his right forefinger. That or some teeth. And I'll wear them
around my neck.
And I'll chip off some of his gravestone too.
Because, Oscar Wilde, I love you.
I know I'm weird. And, buddy? Fuck you. I don't care.
I want my Uncle John back. He's just stepped out to see my Grandpa, you see.
He'll be back anytime.
He was exhaled; his great Creator drew
His spirit, as the sun the morning dew.
- John Dryden. 1631-1700
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|| "JOURNEY TO YE OLDE ENGLAND"
|| by AlterEcho
Looking back, I can see clearly where it all began. I didn't realise it at
the time, but with the benefits of hindsight... Oh fuck it. Here's the story.
Okay so it was just another Saturday morning, and I was lying asleep on the
floor in my room. (Since the Liberal government introduced a GST, I have had
to sell my bed and most of my worldly possessions to make ends meet.) I awoke
to the sound of a voice yelling "THIS IS THE BEGINNING! THIS IS THE
BEGINNING!! THIS IS THE BEGINNING, SO WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKER, WAKE THE FUCK
UP!!!"
I opened my beautiful brown eyes and realised that the voice was in fact
connected to my ginger cat. This was indeed strange, as I owned no cat, being
allergic to them, and even if I did own one, I would most likely have sold it
to pay the rent.
I sneezed and jumped into the closet. It was dark in there, but at least
there was no darn cat. I tried to make myself more comfortable amidst all of
my dirty jeans and t-shirts, when I fell out of the back of my closet. Yes,
that's right! A big trapdoor opened and it sent me sprawling on the ground!!
When I picked myself up I was still dressed in just my black boxer shorts,
but I was enthralled by my surroundings. I might have ended up in Narnia, for
all I knew, but we all know that was bullshit.
"Where am I?" I asked a random passerby, a pretty young lass.
"Eh, thou art in Ye Olde England, circa 1558, foolish knave!" was the reply,
accompanied by a hungry glance at my early morning erection.
I hurried away, suddenly ashamed at my own nakedness. I rushed to the nearest
phone booth and realising I wasn't carrying any loose change in my boxer
shorts (strangely enough), made a reverse charges call to Aerialisticish.
"Hey d00d," I said, "Guess where I am?"
"Uhm," he replied and hung up.
I exited the phone booth cursing my young friend's usual lack of enthusiasm
and went looking for some food. I came upon a small bakery selling Carter's
bread (`Ravel floor with the "grossest part of the bran extracted," makes a
"brown household bread agreeable enough for laborers"', read the
description). Hungry as I was, I ignored this incorrect spelling of
`laborers' and attempted to purloin a piece of this bread, but in making my
hasty escape my boxer shorts were ripped from my wiry form.
There I was, bare-arsed and fancy free, in Elizabethan England, running down
the street clutching a piece of bread. Not the best of situations, to be
sure, but a good place for this story to be continued from. TO BE
CONTINUED...
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|| "FUN AND GAMES"
|| by AlterEcho
I have a few things to say right about now.
a) If you are interested in Elizabethan history, a good source of information
is Maggie Secara's `A Compendium of Common Knowledge 1558-1603', the 5th
edition of which is available at http://www.renaissance.dm.net/compendium;
b) AlkalineAngel is on PLENTY of medication;
c) Aerialisticish is a twisted fuck;
d) Abyss smells;
e) I can't write for SHEEE-IT; and
f) In the immortal words of Da Gurge, I wish to remind you to: "Get down.
Hell. Yeah. Ugh! Fuck the god damn world. Fuck that shit."
x----x
/ | I SINCERELY HOPE xx
x x-x YOU HAD PLENTY OF / \
| / x x
x--x x--x x---x x---x x---x x---x | |
| | | | | | | |/ \ x x
x--x x--x | x x | | x x \ /
| | x \ / x | x | xx
| | \ x-x / | / \ |
x---x x---------x x---x x---x xx
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YAY!@#*() x-----------------------------------x AROO!#!@
/ / \ \
x Aerialisticish - is having fun! x
\o/ | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | \o/
| | AlkalineAngel - is having fun!@! | (Abyss) |
/ \ | ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | / \
(Aerialisticish) | Abyss - is kinda having fun!#!@! |
| ~~~~~ |
EEEEKK!#@ | AlterEcho - is depressed again :( | PLEASE KILL ME
\ x ~~~~~~~~~ x /
\o/ \ / o
(Alkaline | x-----------------------------------x <|>
Angel) / \ / \ (AlterEcho)
Webpage -x- http://thepleasurezine.cjb.net
Email -x- clit@hobbiton.org
(C) CLiT 2001 * All rights reserved * Made in Australia * Released 27.07.01
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