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CLiT #14: Purely Psychosomatic!
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((CLiT)) cAN j00 hEAR iT? oH cAN j00 hEAR iT? ((CLiT))
...episode 14... :: _Purely Psychosomatic!_
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"A Midwinter Night's Dream"
by AlterEcho
Let me tell you about a dream I had recently. It was midwinter night, and all
through the house not a creature was stirring. That's right! Not a creature
was stirring, not even one of our native kangaroos, who sleep in the laundry
and wake up refreshed in order to carry us to work.
Okay, back to my subconscious. So in my dream I had a party, and this one
person showed up as a man and a woman. The scariest bit was the outfit she
was wearing, a canary yellow dress buttoned down the front, a black hat with
a veil and a black handback. (He was both wearing pants and not wearing pants
at the same time, hehe!!@#) Also, I was feeling very upset because a girl I
liked had brought her new boyfriend, and I was going down on some other girl
under a coarse woollen blanket.
And now, my friends, let me tell you about this issue of CLiT. Abyss writes
yet another autobiographical piece about how hard she finds it to fit into
her pants. AlkalineAngel wakes up and goes back to sleep. Aerialisticish
talks about his family. Me? God, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Can you see the connections between my dream and this issue? CAN YOU TASTE
THE SYMBOLISM?? If the answer is yes, or if you would merely like to be the
girl in my dream, please email me <clit@hobbiton.org>!!
I eagerly await your responses.
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"Retarded Attempt at Humorous Poetry"
by AlterEcho
It's not fair
You know
The way you treat me
So cruel
Cold
A smile touches your lips
But no warmth reaches your eyes
Frozen
Like a corpse
You make me feel like such a child
(I want my mummy)
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"bloobloobloo"
by Abyss
Once, there lived a Very Tall Girl.
She was a nice girl but one who couldn't find any pants that fit properly,
and so was prone to violence. But she did it in a very nice way.
One day, VTG was walking along without any pants on, when she saw a notice
stapled on a willow tree. It told of a magnificant Musical that was to be
performed, in a fantabulous and exciting way - even though it would probably
be fucked up by the teenagers cast in it. But VTG was excited about this, and
lo! And behold! And shake! She was given a part in this play by the Gnome
Fairy, who happened to be hanging out of said tree.
VTG was so enthralled with this news that she skipped right down to the store
and bought some pants.
But wait!
The pants didn't fit!
Oh no!
What was our heroine to do?
VTG was vexed and unhappy, for how was she to perform if she had no pants to
do it in? Proper Pant-Wearer's everywhere would laugh at her! Frustration!
But WAIT!
VTG's mother offered to tailor the pants! Huzzah! All was saved!
Except for the fact that VTG's mother didn't do it properly, b/c she was in a
rush, and so only did it by sight, so the thighs of the pants (which were too
big), remained the same, whilst the hips of the pants (which were fine),
became waaaaay too tight.
"FUCK!" said VTG and stamped about.
And swore some more too, for good measure, and threw heavy things before
pulling her shoulder, after which she could only throw lighter things.
"RAH!" she said, say said did she, "All the God Damned clothes outlets are
Fascists Against Tall People! And these pants are unable to be un-tailored!"
And this was very, very true.
And so endith Very Tall Girl's adventures to find pants that fit - for she
discovered the Wonders of Stockings, and she lived happily ever after.
'Til the fucker's got a dirty giant HOLE in them, at which point she was back
to square bloody one... argh.
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"Stupid Computer"
by AlkalineAngel
And one day my computer woke and thought to itself "Why the fuck have I been
putting up from crap from AlkalineAngel for so long" and decided to rage war
against me. It turned into a cruel, cruel monster, started freezing every ten
minutes and sent out illegal opertions and blue screens of death every five
minutes. Then it started looking for links to programs deleted long, long ago
and then went into safe mode and refused to use anything more that a maximum
of 16 colours making everything illegible and incoherant.
OK so maybe I shouldn't have made it work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
during exams (even while I was sleeping it was downloading mp3s). How the
hell was I meant to know it would overheat and eventually blow up. Well it
didn't quite blow up, the power adapter blew up and it overheated enough so
that it could act as a heater for my room and keep it a constant 30 degrees
through winter.
Anyway, i'm very sorry computer and hope you will forgive me and that we may
become friends once more. Please please please come back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. If anyone knows how to get a computer out of safe mode please let me
know. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeseee........ I'm begging you, make it stop, make it
stop... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!111
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"Shake in Fear, Mortals!"
by Aerialisticish
In a dark, dark, DARK room in a dark, dark, COOL, castle in a dark, dark,
PICTURESQUE land, the 10 most eeeevil beings alive were plotting eeevil
deeds...
The Guest list looked a lot like this:
_______________________________________
|\_____________________________________/|
|| ||
|| A Gathering for ||
|| The Plotting of EEVIL Deeds ||
|| ||
|| ||
|| Nightscourge The Butcher ||
|| Lady Blackheart The Unforgiving ||
|| The Bloodmaggot ||
|| Lord Firefist The Terrible ||
|| Master Beastblade ||
|| Countess Blackblade The Forsaken ||
|| Prince Firespike The Vile ||
|| Ironfist The Bastard ||
|| The Vile Sir Bloodscourge ||
|| And... ||
|| ||
|| Duke von Death ||
||_____________________________________||
|/_____________________________________\|
Clearly, Duke von Death was the most evil of the group, and thus had the most
eccentric and elaborate chair, naturally spikier than anyone else's, although
Prince Firespike The Vile's chair was pretty spikey too.
Unfortunately you'll have to watch SBS World news to find out about the plot
they ended up hatching cos i got caught spying :(
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"A Day in the Life of a Modern Day Songwriter"
by AlterEcho
I'm a songwriter. In case you don't know what that means, it means I'm a
person who writes songs. You won't find the term "songwriter" in a
dictionary, but that doesn't mean I don't exist, and frankly, even you don't
know what a songwriter is, you're hardly likely to be able to read anything
like a dictionary (or at all) are you?
OK so I was bored and I could feel my creative talent welling up inside me
(I'm a songwriter, don't you know), so I sat down and let it all flow through
me.
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When you're not with me I lose my mind
So give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
Not too bad, I decided. A bit masochistic maybe, but surely, that's what
modern love was all about? Relationships are all about give and take. Damn, I
was so in touch with the people, no wonder I was such a darn success.
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
Hmmm. A bit of a stalker effort that one, but I felt pretty sure it could be
a winner. No-one could resist all those "baby"s and "darling"s. Damn, but I
was sure hitting my stride now!
Don't say what you're about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby think twice
Holy freakin' toledo! What a little gem! Frankly, I didn't think I had it in
me, but whoa!! These words had FEELING, they had MEANING! And the imagery:
"before you close that door / before you roll those dice"! Superb, even if I
do say so myself. Even in my ecstatic rapture, I could feel hot tears
pricking my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.
And then I realised what a fucked up little shit of a person I was, what a
sad pathetic sliver of worm poop, what a moronic imbecilic moronic fuck, what
a sonofabitching bastard, and I sank down on my knees and prayed for someone
to please come along and put me out of my misery (Oh God please), for anyone
to sink some bloody knife into my chest (Oh God, oh God) until it plunged
deep deep deep into my heart, into my soul, I sobbed and sobbed until there
were no tears left inside, and I screamed until I had no voice, I screamed
and screamed and screamed and screamed.
Then I killed myself and went to sleep.
THE END.
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"Cheer up, AlterEcho, you silly Ted. E. Bare"
by Abyss
Abyss was walking along one day and came upon a big AlterEcho-type teddy
bear.
Let me rephrase: Abyss was walking along one night and found a big
AlterEcho-type teddy bear.
Awww... how cuuuute!!
And Abyss picked up the TeddyBear, and huggled him to make him feel better,
because she thought he needed a good cheering up. Then Abyss handed the
TeddyBear a basket, and inside was the means to his happiness.
"Thanks, kid." said the TeddyBear.
Then he was punched by Abyss, but it didn't hurt him, for he was a teddybear,
and teddybears can't get hurt.
And the AlterEcho TeddyBear was very happy. :)
The End.
AlterEcho - cheer up, Charrie. :)
P.S. AND DON"T CALL ME KID!
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yOUR cLIT hEROES aND hEROINES, iN oRDER oF sEX aPPEAL...
aLKALINEaNGEL (a mODEL, dON'T yA kNOW)
aBYSS (gOLDEN gLOBES wINNER)
aERIALISTICISH (a rEAL lADIES mAN)
aLTEReCHO (nUFF sAID)
wEBpAGE :: hTTP://tHEpLEASUREzINE.cJB.nET
eMAIL :: cLIT@hOBBITON.oRG
(c)OPYRIGHT cLIT 2001 * aLL rIGHTS rESERVED * mADE iN aUSTRALIA * 1.7.01
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