Gunsmith cats
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^=%%%%%=^Part one of the reduction and decimation of Gunsmith Cats (or is it Gun Smith Cats? ;) Number 2 on Thursday...
The next terror attack is in preperation... no clues, but have you ever tried to find more than fifty words that mean "breast"? ;)
- Subi 06/12/99
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Gunsmith Cats belongs to Kenichi Sonoda / Kodansha - VAP - TBS, and they HAVEN'T said I can do this. Be nice and don't tell them. Cheers!
-------------
May: I take it we're not the sort of people who just go in with guns blazing then?
Rally: Nope. Now just phone up the scumbag's room and give him prior warning of our arrival for no reason whatsoever, willya?
Washington: It may seem obsessively paranoid of me to pull out my sawn- off just because I got a wrong number call, but you'll soon see that it's justifiable.
May: He's right. Catch! *BOOM*
Washington: AAAOW! The pain! But that gratuitous ogle up your skirt is making me feel a _lot_ better. Maybe I should get out my _other_ sawn-off.
Rally: I'd really rather you didn't.
Chapter 0.1: The Neutral Zone
Rally: So, Becky, you're thickening the plot by telling me that Washington had no reason to break out of jail?
Becky: Yup. Gimme money.
Rally: Later, I've got a customer. And this is a perfect opportunity to show off what a total gun freak I am. And get sleazed on by all the men who come into my shop looking for penis substitutes.
Customer: Frigid. Damn.
May: For some reason, even though I'm younger than Rally, I'm giving her advice on picking up men. What do I know? It's not as if I'm an ex-child prostitute in the original manga, which fact has been written out of this series, is it? Is it?!
Collins: I wouldn't know, I wasn't in it. But I _do_ know that if you don't help me nail Washington I'll rat on you to the IRS.
Rally: Bastard. I spit on the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. May, let's go home. Check out my car folks, ain't it sexy?
May: And _she_ complains about her _customers_ looking for penis substitutes?
Collins: I'm still trying to decide if planting bugs in women's houses turns me on or not. But next time, I think I'll send my men outside before I turn on the speaker. Hey! Who are those guys?
Rally: Burglers? Yippee! A chance to shoot people in my underwear! Is this series targeted at a young male audience or what? *BANG* *BANG*
Burgler #1: ARRGH!
Burgler #2: ARRGH!
May: My turn. *BOOM*
Burgler #3: ARRGH!
Rally: I suppose you just _had_ to blow the house up, right?
Collins: Isn't it convenient that I show up to arrest the bad guys _so_ quickly?
Rally: Yeah, it's as if you had our house bugged or something.
Collins: Who, _me_? And now I've found your secret weapons stash you're gonna help me, aren't you?
Rally: Do I have a choice? Washington?
Washington: Yeah?
Rally: Sell me some guns, will you?
Washington: Okay.
Rally: Happy now, Collins?
Collins: Yep. Excuse me, I've just got to get chewed out by my boss, and explain my suspicions about a leak in the ATF.
Black: I'm suspiciously not interested.
Becky: And _I'm_ pissed off. Although it's none of my business. If you've _quite_ finished shooting off, Rally, can we go out for dinner now?
Rally: Oh _boy_ that felt good... Okay, let's go. *VROOOM*
Becky: This is _not_ a restaurant.
Rally: Nope, it's a warehouse. Keep an eye on May whilst I get felt up by a bunch of crooks please. Yes mister pervert that _is_ all the guns I'm carrying, honest. Washington, stop surfing the 'net for porn and let's do business.
Washington: Sure, right after you shoot this guy.
Rally: Okay.
Collins: Rally?! How could you?
Rally: ...but I want some proof that you've actually _got_ some guns to sell me, Washington. Hey... Those fake limbs look familiar somehow...
Washington: Took you long enough. That's the fourth reference to the original manga so far this episode. Now are you gonna kill him or not?
Rally: Not. *BANG* Wasn't that a complicated action sequence?
Collins: Too fast for _me_ to follow, but I seem to be free now. Now all we've got to worry about is a warehouse full of heavily-armed bad guys. Why don't I throw Washington at them?
Rally: Moron. *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
Collins: *BANG*
Bad Guy: Even though we outgun them by about a million to one there's no _way_ we'll beat them. They're the _good_ guys.
Rally: *CLICK* Drat! Out of ammo. Oooh... What a convenient place to leave a shotgun. *BOOM*
Bad Guy: See? ARRGH!
Rally: And I did it with my eyes closed too. AAAOW! How did that crane manage to rip off my shirt _and_ trap me at the same time?!
Collins: Hold on, time for a pointlessly stupid heroic manouvere!
Rally: And I have to take off the _rest_ of my clothes to get free. What a surprise. Is it written into my contract that I can't fire a gun without being semi-naked or something? *BANG*
Collins: Maybe, but I'm not gonna let it distract me. *BANG* Yet. I think that's everyone.
May: You missed one. *BOOM*
Rally: She just _has_ to butt in, doesn't she? Stop staring at my tits, Collins.
Collins: Aw. So no chance of you doing another little job for me then?
Rally & May: NO!
[end]
Bugger. Looks like the first part of this one got caught in the Christmas rush. Better get the rest out now... ;)
Archive at site below...
- Subi [14/12/99]
------------------
Gunsmith Cats belongs to Kenichi Sonoda / Kodansha - VAP - TBS, and they HAVEN'T said I can do this. Be nice and don't tell them. Cheers!
------------------
Radinov: They brought me all the vay from Russia just to kill an overveight middle-aged security guard? These Americans are _real_ vimps. *SNIK*
Guard: Ulk... Why don't you just use a normal gun?
Radinov: Because this veird knife blade shooting thing makes me look cool and evil. Even though it vould be _far_ simpler just to stab you, as ve're only two feet apart.
Hitman: That was really cool and evil. And that fact that you talk like Count Dracula makes it even more so. Want to kill someone else?
Radinov: Not if you don't stop being a racist bastard, you American shit.
Chapter 0.2: Swing High
Rally: You'd better not just want a peek up my skirt again, Washington.
Washington: Hold on a minute, just got to almost psychically find all the bugs the ATF put in this room. Okay, done. I'm about to be killed and I want you to give this watch to my daughter.
Rally: I don't believe you. Goodbye.
May: Hey! Hands off the merchandise pal!
Rally: *VROOOM* Why did you take it May? You're too soft.
May: Ah, forget it. C'mon, let's set some attack patterns to music. I got the idea from Evangelion episode 9. AAAH! Did we just nearly crash?
Rally: Yup. And it was all _her_ fault. I won't forget this, and I won't forget that bad dye-job either. Is she trying to look like one of the Spice Girls?
Radinov: No. Time to die, Vashington.
Washington: I'm getting killed to the sound of a newscast about a politician called Edward Haints who's running for mayor on the strength of his proposal to ban firearms. Is he mad? Has he never heard of the National Rifle Association lobby?
Radinov: I don't know, but that's George Black, head of the ATF standing beside him. *SNIK*
Washington: Urk... And it was particularly cool and evil of you to use Collins' card to get into the house...
Radinov: Hey, I'm good at vhat I do.
Black: Collins, you're off the case!
Collins: WAAAH! Sniff...
Radinov: Cool, more people to kill. Is this comedy Russian accent bothering anyone by the vay? 'Cause it's _really_ pissing _me_ off. Bloody stereotyping.
Matt Greenfield: Hey, stereotypes sell. Just ask Sailor Moon.
Rally: Meanwhile, we've just discovered that Washington's daughter appears to be a 20-stone transvestite.
May: I think he was lying.
Rally: True, but that's no reason to flash your panties at us just because I nicked your DIET PEPSI (THE CHOICE FOR A NEW GENERATION). Hey, when did we start doing product placements?
May: I don't know, but at least this little altercation caused us to find out that Collins bugged our house _again_. Let's blow him up.
Rally: For once I agree. Nail the pervert.
May: *BOOM*
Collins: Now _that_ was just _so_ unnecessary.
Becky: Okay, let's figure this out. What was Washington doing when you caught him? And will you stop with the stupid timing exercise already?
Rally: Sorry. He was surfing for porn. Which is all anybody _ever_ does on the Internet.
Becky: It gets dull after the first six months, _believe_ me. So let's take a wild guess and say this is a URL. Has he scratched a password into the strap of that watch?
May: Yes.
Becky: Am I a genius or what? Yeeesh... Isn't it time you upgraded your computer Rally? This looks like an XT! _And_ you're still using IE3!
Rally: Hey, I do hardware, not software. Besides, this series was made in 1996 y'know. Yup, that's the porn site he was looking at. Not that I can tell them apart or anything. *COUGH* Is that password an AdultCheck ID?
Becky: Nope, it's the entry code to a secret database of times and addresses. Wow, that was lucky. I'll print it out.
Collins: ...and you're doing me a copy too, even though you don't know it. How many bugs did I put in your house anyway? Ooops, hi boss. Just writing my report, honest.
Rally: Another warehouse full of guns. Time for this episode's shootout.
May: And this episode's quota of sleazy bad guys. *BOOM*
Rally: Not to mention this episode's quota of me doing posy tricks with my gun. Hey! It's the Geri Haliwell wannabe who nearly ran me off the road!
Collins: And it's me, too.
Rally: Yuck, even though you did save me. Have you seen May?
May: AAAH!
Collins: I think that's her. Looks like Radinov's kidnapped her.
Rally: Let's go, Becky! *VROOOM* May and I worked out this whole car chase sequence set to music!
Becky: Why?
Rally: It just seemed like the thing to do. And my car _is_ sexy, isn't it?
Becky: I don't care, I'm currently too terrified to speak.
Radinov: Eat juggernaut bitch!
Rally: Hey! That was my fender!
Radinov: And _that_ was your vindscreen.
Rally: *BANG* And _that_ was your earlobe.
Radinov: ARRGH!
May: *BOOM* And _that_ was your rear window. Bye-bye! _Those_ were my panties again by the way.
Rally: And _that_ was a lousy catch Becky.
May: Worked for me. _That's_ an open swing-bridge.
Radinov: AAAH! *SPLOSH*
Rally: And _that's_ the end of this episode.
[end]
Thanks to everyone who mailed me saying they liked these! Now, which one to do next? Hmmm... Gunbuster? *EVIL GRIN*
Little tip: Don't ever move house. Particularly don't move house to an area of Manchester named after a hallucigenic 70's kids TV series. The van drivers think you're taking the piss.
Ooops, just to be on the safe side as this is a spamfic...
#pragma warning(disable:4786)
(and if you get THAT joke, you're a true geek... ;)
- Subi [14/12/99]
-----------------
Gunsmith Cats belongs to Kenichi Sonoda / Kodansha - VAP - TBS, and they HAVEN'T said I can do this. Be nice and don't tell them. Cheers!
-----------------
Black: We didn't find Radinov's body in the car, so despite my reassurances, she's probably still out there looking for revenge. Not that I know her personally or anything.
Roy: I get back from holiday to find _this_ waiting for me. Thanks a _lot_ Rally.
Rally: Not _my_ fault, it was that crazy Russian bitch.
Roy: This one?
Rally: Yep. She's probably dead though.
Roy: Then take this bag of tacky Hawaiian souvenirs and get out of here.
Rally: GRRR! I take it back! She's still alive and sticking knives into my car bonnet! She'd better have good insurance... are you alright sweetie? *MWAH*
Chapter 0.3: High Speed Edge
Rally: Well, there's a turn up for the books. That nutjob Senator Haints wants to give us an award during some campaign rally.
Becky: He's the one who wants to ban guns isn't he? Phhht, like the NRA'll let _him_ get elected.
Rally: But we can use this to tell him about the leak in the ATF, and that that Ginger Spice lookalike's still alive.
Radinov: Don't mind me, I'm just trashing this ATF safe house and mutilating myself to vork off some anger. Actually, she's right. I could do with a change of hairstyle. *CHOPCHOP*
May: Guess it's my turn to prance around in my underwear for a bit. And patronise Rally about her inability to find a boyfriend.
Rally: Like I _want_ to. I hate high heels. What do you want Collins?
Collins: Just your help again. And for this policeman to leave me alone.
Policeman: Go away.
Rally: I second that.
Collins: Back at the office, a bit-part character has just told me that my boss is up to something nasty. He was the leak?! I would never have guessed...
Cathy: _Bit-part_?! Can't I at least be a cameo?
Black: It's all true. Didn't do me any good though, Radinov just did me in anyway.
Radinov: I love my job. And I love setting booby traps for moronic ATF agents.
Collins: Bitch. But at least I know who's behind all this now. Haints. Who Rally and May going to meet. Tomorrow. Oh shit. Shame I'm going to be unconscious for the foreseeable future.
Rally: Do you hear me complaining? Actually, you do, but only about the fact that I'm freezing cold, been waiting for hours to speak to Haints, and that it's pissing it down. And you're not helping matters Roy.
Roy: Sorry. I think you're on.
Rally: At last. Hi Collins, why're you bleeding?
Collins: I'm here in the nick of time!
Rally: And is that Radinov making an insane charge towards us with all guns blazing?
Radinov: Sure is. I saw them do something like this in Reservoir Dogs, ain't it cool? *BRAKABRAKABRAKA*
Rally: As we're the good guys, everyone _except_ us gets hit. C'mon May! She went into that big old house!
May: Okay! Let's split up so it'll be easier for her to kill us!
Radinov: I'll wait for you on the roof. Oh. You found me. Eat vater tower! *BOOM*
Rally & May: ARRGH!
Radinov: And now eat knife!
Rally: ARRGH! Again! And that was my gun arm!
May: I thought only the bad guys got hurt? Eat flash grenade!
Radinov: Yes, but in the big finale it's traditional for the heroes to be half-killed. AAAOW! Vhere'd they go?
Rally: Okay, let's recap. I can't use my gun arm, and May can't use her hands. We could be screwed here.
Radinov: If you think I'm gonna fall for these noddy little booby-traps, then yes you are. I'll set one off just to confuse you, and then follow the trail of blood you're leaving. Hmmm... Hiding in the toilets are you? Take this!
May: Wrong cubicle. *BOOOM* Guess that's her finished.
Haints: Meanwhile, I'm in a sulk because Radinov could've killed me as well. Shit! Radinov! What're you doing in my office? Hang on... This is a perfect opportunity for a bit of exposition and then to kill her... Blah blah blah. *CLICK* Empty. Bugger. And you're not really Radinov are you?
Kate: Nope. Thanks for falling for this so quickly by the way, that wig was getting hot. Bit of a cop-out ending though. Still, who's complaining?
Roy: Not me. Book him Danno.
Rally: Thank God that's over. And who's Danno?
Radinov: I'm not dead yet! PSYCHO FIREAXE ATTACK!
Collins: Appearing the nick of time once is bad enough, twice in a row is pushing credibility somewhat. *BANG* Actually, I _meant_ to hit the axe instead of Radinov, just to give Rally the pleasure of finishing her off.
Rally: Thanks. I think. *BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG* I'm surprised my gun's not empty by now, considering how anal Sonada gets about accurate gun specs.
Radinov: Oh, it's still got bullets in. I can vouch for that. Urk. *SLUMP*
Rally: Hey! I just realised! I got though a whole gun battle without losing any clothing! Shame you didn't get to see how sexy my car was this episode though...
May: Yes folks, life in America _really_ is like this. Would anime lie to you?
Roy: I take it you haven't seen Mad Bull then?
----------------
And finally, here's a conversation I had in my head last night...
ArtSubi: Okay everyone, if I could just have your attention for a moment...
CoderSubi: mov in_here, arse
MusicSubi: What? I couldn't hear him, whadisay?
ArtSubi: It has come to my attention that another aspect of us has come into existance. Whilst I can't say I approve, particularly as I should be drawing those EVA:R' pics right now, there isn't really much we can do about it. So please say hello to WriterSubi.
WriterSubi: Hi.
CoderSubi: As the aspect who earns the money round here, do I get a say in this?
ArtSubi: No. Now go and stop MusicSubi eating the sofa.
MusicSubi: Aw. *CHOMP*
ArtSubi: WriterSubi, welcome to the family. Now repeat after me the Pedge. "I will never..."
WriterSubi: "I will never..."
ArtSubi: "...do anything involving..."
WriterSubi: "...do anything involving..."
ArtSubi: "...Ramna 1/2 or Sailor Moon..."
WriterSubi: "...Ramna 1/2 or Sailor Moon..."
ArtSubi: "...that does not involve..."
WriterSubi: "...that does not involve..."
ArtSubi: "...the unspeakably violent death of the above named."
WriterSubi: "...the unspeakably violent death of the above named." Not even as a parody?
ArtSubi: Mabye...
subi@mono211.com
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Orchard/4834/
[end]
