Anime Hopsital episode eight: Stoopenstein ^X
Anime Hopsital episode eight Stoopenstein ^X
Karl walked slowly over to his lab table, whistling the entire time. The lab table was covered with hundreds of beakers and test tubes, all connected by tubes while heated gasses and cooled liquids passed through, assisted by gravity and bunsen burners. On connection out of the cluster appeared to be a little looses as a slow drip of colorless liquid was burning a dent into the table. Karl didn't notice.
His whistle became a hum as he continued to work. He took out an Erlenmeyer flask and set it over another burner, then set a paper filter over it to collect solid waste from the latest product of his experiment's series.
"Just a little longer," Karl said as he continued his prancing about the lab room. He wandered over to his shelf of chemicals.
"Hmmm.... no, not that one. Argh! No, it needs to be .02 M! Aha!" He quickly snatched one of the jars and screwed open the lid, causing an ear-shattering screech of metal on glass. When he looked into the jar, however, he sighed and tossed the jar into the huge pile of garbage in the corner. "Empty," he wailed.
After a little more though, he finally perked up and said, "Oh, well. I just have to make some more! It will give me something to do. Now then in order to do that..." His voice trailed off as they became his thoughts and he returned to hunting his shelf for the necessary materials.
After he set everything up he set back and wiped his brow. "Whew! This is tiring work! I could really go for some hot chocoa right now."
He reached over to the stand he had set his cup on, but instead grabbed the beaker he had switched it with. just a few inches away, untouched, sat his cup, still warm as the wafts of steam indicated. The liquid in the beaker was a solid blue, and sloshed about quite freely. It drained itself in Karl's throat before he even realized what he had just done.
When the signal did get to his brain (about two minutes later) he started coughing up a storm, barely able to stand from the effort. "Water," he managed to finally say, as he struggled his way to his water jug. Filling the little cup as quickly as he could, he continued to wheeze. Finally he thrust the cup to his mouth and drained the entire glass in a split second.
His cough cleared up, and Karl leaned back in relief, patting his belly contentedly. Suddenly he hiccupped, having drunk the water too quickly. He chuckled at his own foolishness and decided that he would also have to work on his miracle hiccup cure. As he got up, he noticed that there was somebody next to him, who also got up with him.
Surprised, they both immediately turned to face each other. Karl's eyes squinted as he stared directly into the face of an exact duplicate of himself. His body was the same, his face and clothes were the same. He even stood the same way.
"Hello," Dr Stoopenstein said to the new arrival. "I don't believe we've met."
"Tenchi! You came to visit! I knew you liked me best!" Aeka came running down the hall, dressed only in a hospital gown, toward a very surprised looking Tenchi. She threw herself at his to embrace him in a fierce hug, making the poor boy blush furiously. When she realized how underclothed she was, and that they weren't alone, she broke away from him and her face too, reddened. The others seemed amused by her actions, but Heather, who was with them, had gotten into a conversation with Urd, and wasn't paying much attention.
"Actually, uh, I'm sort of, in myself," Tenchi explained, looking embarrassed (and hurt, after getting attacked like that).
Aeka became concerned. "What's wrong?" She looked around and took full measure of everyone in the hall with her. "Why's everyone covered in soot and scratches and stuff?"
Tenchi looked even more embarrassed. "Well, you see, Sasami had to go shopping..."
"And I asked big sister to take care of dinner for me and..."
"You let the mummy cook for you?!?"
Ryoko shot Aeka an angry look. "Don't call me that!"
"Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!"
"Why you...!"
"Lackey! Lackey! Lackey!" a voice from the side suddenly said. They all whirled on it, some angrilly, others in confusion.
"Zombie Sue...!" Maris said as she faced off with her nemisis.
"Uncute! Uncute! Uncute!"
They whirled the other way to face the newest interruption.
"Ranma, you jerk!" Akane said, as she started to work on him with her wooden sword.
"Umao!"
"Ushiko!"
This time everyone fell over, not even bothering to look and see what had caused the last interruption. "Hey, nurse!" Ryoko said angrilly at Heather. "Aren't you supposed to be controlling them?"
Heather looked away from her conversation with Urd, who was blushing furiously. "Oh sure, cause as much trouble as you like, but if some other anime gets in the way, the first thing any of you do is come whining to the nurse. Well you can just take care of your silly little problems yourself!"
Heather stormed off, leaving everyone in the hall speechless, until they turned and looked at Urd, who was still blushing. "Hey, wait a minute..." Ryoko said, a tentative finger pointing at the Goddess.
Urd didn't even bother trying to hide her embarrassment. She simply said, "You know, that woman frightens me..."
"Frightens you?" Ryoko said in disbelief. Suddenly she burst out laughing. "Ha! I'm gonna tell Belldandy!"
"Don't you dare!"
"Yes, Dr Stoopenstein, everything is in order. Here, I need you to sign these forms for me." Mike handed Karl a stack of papers and moved on, knowing it was better not to let the administrator engage him in any conversation.
He got to the end of the hall and prepared to board the tread down the central hall of the north wing when he noticed, "Dr Stoopenstein!"
The man in the lab coat turned around to face Mike. "Ah, Nurse Jones, how are you today?"
"But... but you were just..." Mike turned and pointed at chest level down the hall he had jut come, but Karl was nowhere to be seen.
Karl just looked at him with his typical vacant expression.
"Never mind, Doctor," Mike said, shaking his head in confusion. He got on the tread with the doctor and let it carry them toward the lobby.
About halfway there, lost in though, he wasn't really prepared to see Karl pass by him on the other tread heading further down the hall.
"Hello, Nurse Jones."
"Hello, Dr Stoo..." Mike stopped, and whirled the other way to see that Karl was still standing beside him, looking confused.
"But Nurse Jones, we've already said hello to each other."
"But, but, but..." Mike said. He turned around again, but there was no Doctor to be seen going down the other tread. "I must be going crazy," he mumbled. He began to wonder if he should recommend that he be relieved of duty for a while.
That thought disappeared when he arrived at the lobby. At least a dozen Karls were in the lobby, all acting like the vacant-minded doctor and seemingly oblivious to the presence of each other. Occasionally, one would hiccup, and there would be two of him where there used to be only one.
Mike fainted.
"Do you want to tell him?" Toni's voice said, while Mike's vision started to clear.
"Heck no! I think the dufus who caused this mess ought to be the one to explain it," Heather's voice said.
Mike's eyes flew open in shock. "This hasn't been a dream?" he said in a worried voice.
"You got it, cutie!" Heather said.
"That's 'Nurse Jones'," Mike corrected.
"This is no time for that, Mike!" Toni said with irritation.
Mike rose from the hospital bed, saying, "Nurse Jo-"
"I mean it!" Toni said harshly. She turned to the door. "Pam, would you like to bring the captive in?"
Pam casually stepped into the room, leading a very confused and upset looking Karl in with her. The three women all gave him severe looks, but Mike only blanched.
"Don't worry, this is the real one," Heather said. "Unfortunately."
"Well, go on. Tell him," Toni commanded the doctor.
Karl looked for all the world like a rat caught in the corner of a cage, with a huge human hand reaching down to grab him. "Well, you see..."
"Just tell him!" Toni barked.
"I was doing a teensy little experiment, you see, when suddenly I had a teensy little accident..."
"And you started to duplicate every time you had a teensy little hiccup," Heather said.
"Well, I've cured the hiccups..."
"That's not the point!" Toni said. "The point is there are at least ten dozen of you out in the halls, with more coming every time one of them hiccups, and they don't seem to think anything's wrong. Do you have any idea what kind of chaos they're causing?"
"Well there is a cure..." Karl started to say. Mike felt like he was at a tennis match with the way his head kept keeping track of the conversation.
"What is it?" Toni said, grabbing Karl by his collar and hauling him down to face height for her.
He never got to answer, though, as suddenly the ceiling started to shred itself above them, making disturbingly loud noises.
In the space of a few seconds, the roof was completely gone, giving a perfect view of the sky above them...
...and the spaceship that was hovering in it.
A voice suddenly blared from the round, almost spherical spaceship. It was a voice that sounded a little off, like it was being muffled somehow, but the words came through clearly enough.
"WE ARE THE BOGEY. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR STUPIDITY WILL BE ASSIMILATED."
"They sure came to the right place for that," Toni mumbled.
Begin Commercial Break
[The scene is the interior of a fairly elegant restaurant. A coupleare sitting at their table chatting with each other while they wait to be served.]
Man: I just got the latest tapes from Viz and...
Waitress: May I take your order please?
Man and Woman: A-Ayukawa...!
[Cut to another area of the restaurant. A man in a suit and tie is walking throughout, while facing the camera. As he speaks, a number of familiar characters pass in front of and behind him]
Man: Yes, you never know who you'll be served by, here at Otaku Bell. I'm David Testiments, the founder of this exciting new restaurant, and i'd like to invite you to a dining experience you'll never forget.
[Behind him, a couple of women swoon and start talking excitedly]
Woman: That was Kurama! Oh, he's even sexier in real life!
David: And if you think the excitement of being served by your favorite anime character is something, just wait until you've tasted food that's been cooked by your favorite anime character.
[Scene pans out to various customers eating. Each time a name is mentioned, a table of people start to make sounds of culinary delight]
David's Voice: You haven't lived until you've tasted one of Kasumi's dinners! One of Ai-chan's Breakfasts! One Of C-Ko's lunches!
[A table full of people is emptied as they all fall over dead.]
David's Voice: Okay, maybe not C-ko, but Belldandy's special tea will wash down just about anything you've eaten to make the experience complete. I'd tell you more, but I wouldn't want to ruin the adventure. Just remember to have your next meal at Otaku Bell!
[Just then a giant mech's arm crashes through a wall from the kitchen. There are several plates in it's hand.]
Mech: Order for table twelve!
End Commercial Break
Everyone just stood silent for a while. Finally, Mike had the courage to speak. "The... the bogey?"
"Yup! I'm a bogey!" a voice from behind said.
Everyone whirled in alarm, but then looked confused when they didn't see anything.
"Down here," the voice said. The voice didn't sound much better than the one that had been amplified. In fact, it had a throatiness that was more gagging than seductive in sound.
Everyone looked down to see what looked like little more than a giant furball with hands, feet, and two enormous eyes. "What the..." Heather started to say.
"I told you, I'm a bogey," the creature said again. Part of what may have made his voice so difficult to understand was the long, thick tounge that the creature let hang from it's mouth in a manner very similar to that of a dog. "My name's Zilch!"
Everyone just stood there and blinked.
Zilch seemed to look a little miffed at that. "We sensed a great concentration of stupidity in this region and decided to investigate..."
"What took you so long?" Heather asked.
Zilch payed no attention to her. "At every planet we stop on, we collect the stupidest member of it to incorporate it into our collective. After doing much looking in to this matter, we have determined that the stupidest one among you is... that man right there." The little furrball extended one of his arms so that he could gesture in Karl's direction.
"Well, there's a big surprise," Heather said.
"So, we'll just take him now. Thanks a bunch!" With no further preamble, Zilch disappeared in a flash of light. A second later, so did Karl.
"Hey, wait!" Toni and Mike said together.
"No, let them go," Heather said, barely containing her grin. "I say, good riddance to bad rubbish!"
Pam tapped Heather's shoulder and wagged her finger in front of her. In explanation, she walked over to the door and opened it. The pressure in the hallway caused several Stoopenstein's to tumble into the room. One of them hiccupped and split into two. Pam frowned at Heather.
"Oh no!" Heather said as realization dawned. "He didn't tell us the cure yet!"
"Looks like we're rescuing him after all," Toni said.
Everybody looked up through the hole in the roof to see the Bogey ship rise into the air.
"Ah, one problem Toni," Mike said. "We don't have a spaceship.
Heather began to fidget. Everyone looked over at her expectantly.
"Heather..." Toni began.
"What?" Heather asked crossly. "I say we at least make him sweat it out a bit first. A few more Stoopensteins squeezed into the room, and Toni gave her another glare.
"You can't make me tell you until I feel like it!" Heather said.
Moments later, as they soared through space, Heather was busily trying to hold her stomache in. "Okay, so I decided I felt like it," she said.
"You should have just told us you were space-sick," Toni said. We'd have left you behind then.
"Be quiet!" Ryoko said. "Ryo-o-ki's not used to carrying this many passengers. We may have to eject Aeka..."
"Just try it, mummy!"
"Girls, girls," Tenchi was trying to say.
"So this Stoopenstein guy, I hear he's a bit of a scientist himself," Washu said to Toni.
"Forget it. The kind of damage you two could do together is immesurable." Toni had both arms crossed as she faced off with the childlike woman.
"Heads up! There's our ship!" Ryoko suddenly said. Everyone stopped and looked up at the viewscreen to see the round ship looming ahead. It wasn't moving very quickly, and the image grew steadily larger as Ryo-o-ki approached it. A warning blast had Ryo-o-ki on the defensive, and it didn't look like it was going to be allowed to get any closer.
"Hey, what's that?" Heather suddenly asked as she looked up from her private session of self pity. "It looks like..."
Everyone looked to the side and watched as a souped-up Great War plane piloted by a pig in a flight jacket and goggles flew ahead of them and began to circle the Bogey ship. In response, the ship diverted its attention to firing at the plane, though the shots were easilly dodged.
"Pigs in space?" Mike said.
"That's just too stupid for words," Toni said as she watched in amazement.
"Let's not argue with it, let's just use it!" Ryoko said, and let her ship thrust forward to latch onto the bogey vessel.
Heather groaned as the ship jerked to a halt.
"Well, we're here," Toni said. "Let's go get our doctor back."
They all burst into the ship together, though Heather wobbled a bit at first. "Just leave this to us," Ryoko said. "You guys might get hurt."
"If you say so," Toni said in an amused voice. She held a hand up as Mike started to move forward anyway and say, "No, let them screw up. Then we'll know what not to do."
"And I'll have time to recover," Heather groaned.
The Tenchi's followed the usual pattern, each taking separate directions, thinking they'd cover more ground. Ryoko was the first to fall.
She came to a halt in mid-air as she saw a bogey walking down the hall. "Hey, you! Where's the doctor?" she said to it.
The bogey ignored her and continued to walk. Ryoko glared at it and said, "Hey, I was talking to you!" It kept walking. "Why you..." Ryoko quickly made her trademark energy blade and rushed at the critter. With a vicious battle cry, she thrust her blade right through it's center. The bogey just turned it's eyes on her curiously.
Ryoko stopped and her eyes bugged out a bit. "Hey, wait a minute."
The bogey smiled at her and said, "Hello, I'm Zero."
"You're supposed to be dead!" Ryoko shouted angrilly at it.
"Why?" it asked with all sincerity.
"Because, well, because you've got a glowing sword sticking through your head, that's why!" Ryoko said.
"Oh," Zero replied. It considered that for a moment, then looked back at her. "Why should that kill me?"
Ryoko fell over.
Mihoshi didn't even stand a chance. The first bogey she encountered was merely standing in the hall when she tripped over it. It turned to stare at her evilly and said "I'MMMM GRAPPLINGGGGGGG!!!!!!" and immediately siezed her leg in a deathgrip that she simply could not break, no matter what she did. She careened through the halls, crying for someone to help her, but she was dutifully ignored.
Tenchi walked the halls with a bit more caution, but he fared no better. "Who designed these halls?" he asked himself as he tried to find his way. They go on forever! He thought about it for a bit, and then decided that he'd better be careful and summon the radiant hawk wings to help him. Just as he finished his quick change, he noticed about twelve bogeys all watching him intently.
They gleefully imitated his actions, and to his surprise, radiant hawk wings appeared around all of them, dressing them and providing them with swords.
"No way! You can't do that! It's impossible!" he said, pointing at the armed furballs.
"But we just did," one of them said in confusuion.
"Yes, so you did," Tenchi said with a nervous chuckle. "'Bye now!" As quickly as he could he fled back the way he'd come.
Sasami was also surrounded by a pack of bogeys, but her reaction to them was quite different. She was in furball heaven, and the bogeys were more than happy to oblige the little girl as she giggled and played with them.
Aeka unfortunately, had taken a few sedatives before everything started happening, and they had just started to kick in as they boarded the ship. She dozed contentedly in one of the halls, completely oblivious to her surroundings.
"Ha! The fools," Washu said. "Their failure was to be expected. My superior intellect wil allow me to succeed where they could not."
"Superior intellect?" a voice said behind her. Washu turned to see three bogeys looking at her. "I'm Null, the is Nil, and he's Nada. We'd like to have a stupidity contest with you."
"Hah, forget it. I have better things to do with my time than-"
"We'd really like to have a stupidity contest with you." The bogey emphasized.
Washu froze. "Wha- What's happening to me?" Beyond her control, she began to turn toward the three bogeys again, dropping to her hands and knees as she crawled toward them. "Can't resist..." was all she said before her eyes met the bogey's and all thought drained from her mind.
"Okay," Toni said, cracking her knuckles in anticipation. "Now it's our turn."
Toni, Mike, Heather and Pam chose one hall and walked down it together. The first bogey they came across said "Hello, who are you?"
"We're bogeys like you," Toni said to it. "I'm Nix, that's Goose Egg, he's Big 'O' and she's Two and A Half." Pam simply smiled at the name.
"Two and A Half?" the bogey asked.
"We're still working on her," Toni said. "Zilch wants to see us."
"Oh! Well, you're going the wrong way. You want to take a left at the next intersection."
"Say, thanks," Toni said, and they continued on.
They followed the bogey's directions for a bit, until they ran into another bogey. This one immediately looked at the group suspiciously. "Hey! What are you doing here?"
Mike quickly stepped forward and said, "I bet you can't get lost!"
"I bet I can!"
"All right then, prove it!"
There was another flash of light, and the bogey was gone. "Well, that was easy," Mike said. "Now, let's go."
Soon the hallway started to get wider, until eventually they reached a big door that had, "Zilch" written on it in giant letters.
"I think this is the place." Heather said sarcastically.
When they opened they door, they were greeted by about thirty bogeys, and right in the middle of the room was Zilch, who was looking at Karl curiously.
The other bogeys, however, had their full attention on the quartet that had just entered. "I'MMMMM GRAP-" they started to say.
Heather interrupted them by saying, "Look! It's Elvis!"
The bogey's all froze in mid-sentence and started looking around with eyes full of glee and saying, "Where, where?"
"Hah!" Ryoko said, as she walked in. "I wouldn't fall for a dumb trick like that." The jade-haired woman had apparently recovered from her battle with the bogey's but she did not seem very eager to go for a re-match.
"Uh-huh," Toni said at her with a dubious look. "All right, Zilch! Give him up!"
Zilch looked up at her and said, "No way! This guy has stupidity to rival my own. I'm thinking of making him my co-leader."
"Hi, Toni," Karl said. "Have you booked a flight on this plane, too?"
Toni's eyes rolled up into her head and then she stormed up to Zilch. Lifting him up to her so that she could talk to him face to face, she said, "All right you, now listen up.... Eh?"
Zilch started sniffing curiously. Suddenly he thrust his hands into her bosum and scrounged around. "Hey, get out of there you pervert! Get- Oh no!" The last was spoken when she saw what Zilch had withdrawn from it. "Not my last chocholate chip cookie!"
All the bogeys in the room suddenly stopped what they were doing. "COOKIES?" they all cried in unision.
Zilch quickly goblled down the treat and looked ast Toni hungrilly. "More!" he demanded.
"Cookies and Candy! Cookies and Candy!" the other nogeys started to chant, and it spread throughout the ship like wildfire.
Heather, Mike, and Pam all looked at Toni with expectation. "Well, Toni," Mike said. "It looks like it's all up to you now."
Toni shuddered, but finally said, "All right, let's make a deal..."
Toni lay her face on the cafeteria room table and wept.
"Come one, Toni, it wasn't that bad, was it?" Heather said.
"It was all my treasured treats in the world. It'll take me forever to get it back!" Toni said without lifting her face.
"Well, it's a good thing you eat like a pig, otherwise- ouch!" Heather stopped to clutch at her head after Pam had smacked it with a plate.
"Don't you usually keep jelly donuts in there, though?" Heather couldn't help but ask.
"You think that was all I had in safekeeping?" Toni returned, pulling out the aforementioned treat and taking a bite. "At least they don't seem to like donuts."
"I'm just glad we got rid of all those Stoopensteins," Mike said.
"Absolutley!" Heather agreed. There isn;t a thing in the world worse than an infinite number of Stoopensteins.
Suddenly, Toni, Mike, Pam, and Heather all hiccupped at the same time. They looked at each other in shock just as they started to blur.
preview of next week's episode
Can it be? Is the hospital itself alive? It sure seems that way when it starts talking to everyone and revealing hidden secrets of the staff. This looks like a job for the three Goddesses! Join Anime Hospital as the cast of Ah! My Goddess! guest stars in "Ah! My Hospital!"
