Anime Hospital Episode Four: Big Mech Attack
Anime Hospital Episode Four: Big Mech Attack
Mike Jones plodded down the endless central hallway of the west wing of the hospital. It seemed as if his work load was going to completely overwhelm him this day, and there was no relief in sight. "Nurse Kaburi," he said suddenly, as he noticed Pam walking in from the other direction.
"Yes, Nurse Jones?" she said. She was perhaps the only person in the hospital besides the patiants who actually called him by his official title, which is why he preferred doing business with her.
Mike opened his carry bag and pulled out a stack of files. "I need these filled out and delivered by seven o'clock. Can you take care of it?"
Pam took them and merely nodded. Without saying a word, she continued on her way down the hall.
"See you at lunch," Mike said, weakly lifting his arm in a halfhearted farewell gesture. As he turned around to proceed down the hall, his raised had fell to rubbing the back of his head in perplexion. "Sometimes I just can't figure her out," he mumbled to himself."
Suddenly "D" from the A-Ko universe passed by, and he paused to watch in curious amazement. A doctor who had stepped out of his office edged up to Mike and said, "I've often wondered what would happen if somebody splashed him with cold water."
Mike watched him walk a bit further, and he responded with, "I don't know, but if I was B-Ko, I'd be a little careful around that big friend of hers."
The doctor nodded solemly at that, and walked back into his office. Mike took one last look at the ever-mind boggling "D" and continued his journey.
----------------
Toni was bored. She propped her chin on one hand and stared at the empty lobby. She took a minute to glance at the phone, which all but lifeless, and she sighed. It had been the slowest week in recent memory, and while she hated to admit it, even to herself, she kind of missed the variety of a hospital full of wild Animes. At least while they were sick and injured they couldn't do TOO much damage. She checked that thought and changed her mind.
No, when they were sick and injured they could do even MORE damage.
When the first tremor struck Toni's chin slid from its support and her face nearly hit the counter. "What the heck was that?" she said out loud, and noticed a few doctors poke their heads out of their offices to see what was going on. No answer was forthcoming, so Toni decided to dismiss the whole thing and check her list of appointments for the fifteenth time to see if anyone was due in.
The second tremor knocked Toni off her chair, and she came up swearing whiel the earth shook and rumbled as it felt a new impact every three seconds. "Cripes!" she said, "It feels like World War Three!"
Captain Grobal passed calmly by the desk and said, "No, this is nothing like World War Three. Trust me."
Toni looked at him and said, "Yeah, right." Suddenly she stopped and looked at him. "Say, why are you here anyway? I don't remember on our list of inpatiants or appointments."
The grizzled war veteran simply pulled out a pipe and lit it, saying, "I'm waiting for my ship to arrive."
"What do you mean, 'your ship'?" Toni asked crossly. She struggled to maintain her balance as the earth continued to shake.
"It's simple, really. We suffered some major damage in our last battle with the Zentraedi," Grobal said. "We're taking her in for repairs." Another tremor struck, and with affection in his voice, he said, "Ah, that should be her now."
"What!?" Toni cried. "You mean that was caused by your ship?"
"Well, she is a very large ship, after all, and we had to land her transformed. It's hard to do that gently, you know."
"Great," Toni muttered. "I knew it was a mistake for us to treat mechs and robots as well as living things. What was Stoopenstein thinking?" She turned back to the Captain. "Well, your lovely ship has certainly caused enough of a commotion. If you were waiting for it, why aren't you outside?"
He gave her a baleful look. "I'd be crushed under all the mechs that are landing. Can't you feel them landing as well?"
Toni's jaw dropped, and she said with slow, evenly spaced words, "You mean, each of these tremors is caused by a seperate ginat mech?" The Captain nodded.
Toni's hand immediately jabbed down on the loudspeaker. "Assistance!!!" She yelled as loud as she could.
----------------
Toni stood in the middle of the parking lot and looked up. Then she looked up some more. Then she looked up even more than that. "Damn, that's a lot of mechs," she said.
"How did they all get broken at the same time?" Heather asked from beside the receptionist.
"I have absolutely no idea," Toni said, "but I'm going to have to find out while I tally all these things and put them all in order for their repairs." She took a minute to take a bite out of the hot dog she brought with her. As she looked at all the crews and pilots milling around she breathed a long, low sigh. Screwing herself up, she approached them with her full, businesslike demeanor.
First she spied Noriko. "Training maneuvers, right?" she asked the crying girl. She collapsed into even greater tears and Toni said, "I thought so. I still don't know what Coach Ota saw in you, except maybe a potential for wrecking everything in sight."
She left the girl, who was now standing in a puddle of her own tears, and moved on to the next person. "All right, what happened to the Giant Robo?" The embarrassed Anime explained it to her and she said, "What? How did it get hit in the same place, the same way six different times?"
"Well," the Anime explained, "It was a repeat frame."
Toni continued to take her tally of the damages. The list of giant mecha went on and on. Both versions of Voltron were in, as was Gigantor. "EVERY mobile suit?" Toni cried out at one point.
Heather simply nodded. "On both sides, too."
"What? How was Char's suit taken out?"
"From what I hear, a beagle flying a wooden doghouse shot him down. He apparantly was yelling, 'damn, wrong one!' as he flew away." Heather just shrugged her shoulders.
"I think I've heard about enough." She finished up her writing and stormed back to the hospital. "It looks like we're all going to be putting in some pretty long hours today. You may as well warn the others. I'll se what I can do from my end."
Heather paused to take one last lingering look at the charismatic villain of the Gundam universe and rushed to join Toni. "Well, at least this situation won't get out of control," she said.
Toni snorted in a very unladylike fashion and said, "Yeah, right. Remember when you said that after the Puma Sisters came in here with fleas?"
----------------
Pam walked down the hallway with calm, purposeful steps. She barely skipped a beat when the tremors started to hit, and she barely paid attention to the other doctors and nurses as they started to run to the front desk to find out what had happened.
As she passed by one office, she could hear the dismayed doctor scream, "Oh, no! Not my car!" and break down into tears.
Another doctor ran up to Pam, gripped her by her coller and started to shake her while she screamed, "They've come! And there's so many of them! We're doomed!" Pam only allowed herself to be shaken back and forth twice before she broke free of the grip and knocked the frantic doctor on her rear.
Calmly she reached down and lifted the doctor back up. "Are you better now?" she asked.
The doctor still had a wild look in her eyes, but she nodded.
"Good. Go back to your office until it's all over." She watched to make sure the doctor went into the right door and then she knelt down to collect the contents of the spilled files.
Most of it was a hodgepodge of papers and charts, but as she lifted one of the folders, something small and metallic fell to the floor.
Pam knelt down and picked it up, and was surprised to see it was a ring. Wondering how it got in there, she flipped through the papers to see if there was any mention of it anywhere. Finding none, she looked at the ring closer.
It was small and thin, a ladies' ring, and mounted on it was a curious green jewel. What was curious about it was that, while obviously a jewel, it was broad and flat, and seemed to be jointed in certain areas.
Her curiosity piqued, Pam lifted on end of the jewel, and it clicked into a standing position relative to the base. She repeated the process with the other joints until they merged to form a five sided pyramid.
Once assembled, the jewel began to glow, and changed from a sea greed color to a domineering crimson. Pam suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to put the ring on, and as it slipped over her finger, she stiffened. Her eyes shut tight and an expression of pain passed over her features. She looked as though she would cry out in pain, but no sound issued from her lips.
Finally, she relaxed, and when she opened her eyes again, they glowed with the same crimson as the ring.
----------------
Dr Stoopenstein was staring out his office window, brimming with pride. "Oh, it's simply wonderful," he said, a tear rolling down his eye. "My dream... my dream has finally been realized. How it does my heart good to see the living symbols of eternal beauty giving full acceptance to my institution."
He pauses to think a bit, then says, "And if people like Cherry and Happosai want to be treated here as well, that is fine." He chuckled softly to himself and then said, "Well, I suppose I should go out and lend some moral support to our disheartened pilots. They will need some chering up while they wait for their machines to be repaired."
Karl stepped out of his office and bumped into Pam, who turned and hissed at him. "Why, Nurse Kaburi," Karl said, "How are you doing." Then he noticed her eyes. "Are you feeling well, Nurse Kaburi?"
Pam stared at the doctor with a fierce expression, but then she smiled and said, "Oh, yes, Dr Stoopenstein. I am feeling very well."
"Ah, good, good." Dr Stoopenstein said, breathing a sigh of relief. "You had me worried there for a minute. Very well, then. Carry on."
"Yes, Doctor," Pam said, and she turned and left down the hall.
"Oh, and Pam?" Karl called after her.
Pam stopped and turned around. "Yes?"
Karl lifted a finger to his left eye and said, "You may want to have your eyes checked out. They're a little red."
Pam smiled, and her eyes flashed. "I lost sleep last night. I will be fine."
"You make sure you get your daily night's rest, do you hear me?" Karl said in a friendly voice. "I don't want my staff getting sick on me."
As Pam nodded her head and walked away, the ratty haired man shook his head. "Amazing," he muttered. "If it were not for my amazing observational skills, half the employees here would be as lost as lambs."
----------------
Gigantor was the first. Without warning his systems activated and he bagan to walk away from the hospital. Mike was passing by and was nearly squashed by the massive boot of the giant robot before he dived out of the way.
"Hey, watch i-" Mike began, but he stopped when he noticed a few more giant robots began to walk as well. "What's going on?" he said in amazement.
It did not stop with the giant robots. Soon after them, the giant mechs began to walk as well, their eyes glowing a mysterious, ominous red. Mike turned to look at the pilots and crews, but they all seemed to be just as amazed. All the same, he ran up to them and said, "Who's doing this?"
"No one is," on of the confused Animes said. "This is impossible."
"Yeah, well your impossible is about to- Holy!" Mike said, and the mechs and robots began a full scale rampage of the surrounding areas. Whole sections of the hospital were town to pieces as the verious mechanical giants fired weapon after weapon and employed fists and feet to destroy everything in their path.
Toni and Heather were immediately on the scene, and as they fell in beside Mike, Toni said, "We have to stop them! If they get to any of the other universes-"
"Or the other hospitals," Heather added.
"Well, what can we do?" Mike said. "Run up to them and press their 'off' switches or something?"
"Well, there has to be something we can do," Heather complained. "Isn't there an emergency system or somebody we can call to help us in situations like this? For crying out loud, we're linked to every Anime universe in existance!"
"Oh, sure, that's gonna work," Toni said sarcastically. "Just how much of this place do you think will be left by the time any of them gets here. What we need is something just as big as these bozos are, and has a habit of anticipating trouble."
They stood and watched as the giant mecha and robots smashed building after building, uncaring of the world around them. Toni's oath, though became truly prophetic, as the three staff members suddenly heard a theme song heralding the arrival of the thing that would save them
"Eh? What's that?" Mike said as the music grew les faint and they began to make out the words of the song.
"...he is full of Turtle meat. We all love you-"
"Noooooooo!!!!" all three of them screamed at the same time.
----------------
The situation had been hopeless with just the giant mecha wrecking everything in sight. It had just become beyond hopeless as the challengers entered the playing field. Monsters of every type, from the world-famous to the miserably obscure made their appearance to do battle against the giant mecha. Everyone who watched the mighty clash knew that this only meant that their troubles had magnified a thousandfold.
Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, and Ghidrah were the first to arrive. Following at their heels were Gamera and many other giant monsters. Even Ultraman and all his past foes showed up to fight with the technological wonders of Anime. The battle began in earnest, and whether by land or in the air, none were spared from the destructiveness of the fray.
All Toni, Mike, and Heather could do was watch helplessly as the wreckage went on. "The only people who're going to lose this fight are us," Toni observed.
Mike seemed especially disappointed in the desruction as it continued. "I'm sure gonna miss the place," Mike said, with a tear in his eye.
Toni shot an annoyed glance at him. "Anime lover," she said sarcastically.
Suddenly a loud screaming voice interrupted their conversation. "Nooooooo!!! My beautiful hospital! Someone must stop this insanity!"
"Guess who's coming," Toni mumbled.
"Fixing the robots was his idea. I say we kill him," Heather said, and she started to move towards him.
"Nurse Farley," Mike warned, and he stepped in her path to keep her from progressing.
Dr Stoopenstein was on his knees, bawling his heart out and making a perfect nuisance of himself over the random acts of destruction going on. His whining was enough to raise the hackles of the most forgiving of human beings, and Mike's mouth twitched ever so slightly in annoyance.
"I saw that!" Heather said. "You want me to kill him! Admit it!" She tried to push her way through him, but Mike held firm.
Suddenly Toni said, "Hey, wait! Some new guys are coming in."
With growing dread the assembled doctors, nurses, and others watched as indeed two new combatants arrived to the fray. Heralding their arrival was a strange flute sound.
"No," Toni said. "It couldn't be..."
Through the raised dust they came into clearer vision. One was the mighty Dragon Zorn, controlled by the Green Ranger. The other was the MegaZorn, and without hesiation the Power Rangers were doing their best to put down the other mecha around them.
"That's it!" Toni swore. "I hope the mechs win."
----------------
"Say, has anyone seen Pam?" Toni suddenly asked.
"Not me," Heather said. "I don't see her anywhere."
"That sucks," Toni said. "She usually finds a way to pull us through the most hopeless of situations."
Godzilla stood and tilted his head curiously at the Gunbuster. He noticed the strange red glow in the eyes, but he had to dodge a quick punch from the side and, enraged, he breathed a firely blast of thermonuclear energy at the giant mech.
"You know, this battle is really weird to watch," Heather said. "It's hard to tell who's violating more laws of physics, and every once in a while I'd swear the cars being crushed underneath their feet are really just toys."
"Don't think about it, you'll get a headache."
Just then two Anime's, both young girls, approached the assembly. "Excuse us," one said.
"Toni glanced at the pair. "Yes Miyu, Kiki? What did you want. In case you hadn't noticed, we really can't treat your boo-boos right now."
"That is not our concern," Miyu said. "We have strong beliefs that the mechs are possessed by demons."
Toni thought about that. Heather said, "You know, I had noticed a strangeness about their eyes. I though it was just poor coloration."
Gamera had been unfortunate enough to let his tail get grabbed by Gigantor, and was swung in such a way as to cause him to slam into Mothra. The two little fairy women cried out in dispair, and then turned to smile in the camera for the chewing gum commercial they were filming.
Mike watched the battle a little while longer and turned to Miyu and Kiki. "Well, if it is demons, can you do anything?"
Miyu smiled. "It is what we do best. Come, Larva!" Her strange companion joined her as she ran into the middle of the fray to try and remove the demonic influence from the robotic beings.
As Kiki rushed in to join the battle as well, Heather turned and pointed. "Say, who are they?"
Toni turned to where she pointed, and saw a film crew taking in as much of the battle as they could. The title on the cue board read "A Witch Versus Giant Robots, scene one."
"They never give up, do they?" Toni mumbled.
----------------
The battle was nothing short of completely devastating, but it was also specatular to behold. Energy cracked amidst feral roars and massive explosions. The fortress Macross seemed about to unleash its powerful blast of energy at Ultraman, but Miyu's and Kiki's efforts had succeeded in causing a misfire that disappated harlessly in space.
For some strange reason, Miyu and Kiki were only having a marginal success in removing the influence of any demons. That they were surviving to begin with was an accomplishment in itself, but they were still failing in their ultimate goal. On the other hand, their efforts had managed to weaken the attacks and strength of the robots, and the giant monsters were finally starting to win.
This did not, however, improve the property destruction situation.
"Where the heck is Pam?" Heather said. "I'm beginning to think she might have been crushed by one of those huge buffoons."
"I know what you mean," Toni said, concern on her face as well. "Any minute now I expect to hear one of the people out there to say 'Ho ho ho' and toss a can of green beans at the robots. Face it, we're all gonna die."
"No!" Mike said sternly. "We can't give up hope. We'll find a way to crawl out of this. I just wish Miyu and Kiki were doing a better job."
Miyu dodged a severe onslaught of missiles from a mobile suit and she and Kiki released their mystic forces upon it at the same time. The power of the attack was incredible, and the red glow of the suit's eyes all but disappeared. From somewhere outside the battlefield, a cry of pain was heard.
Everyone turned, and there they saw her, standing on the roof of the hospital. Pam Kaburi, now completely enveloped in a reddish glow, stood in a commanding manner as she oversaw the battle. Random blasts of energy reached out from her and fizzled after passing a few inches from her.
"Pam?" Heather said.
"Nurse Kaburi!" Mike cried out, worry in his voice. "What's wrong with her?"
"Nurse Kaburi, you get down from there!" Dr Stoopenstein yelled out. "You know the roof is off-limits to nurses!"
Heather slapped Karl hard enough accross the head to knock him out, then clutched her hand in pain.
"Kiki! Miyu! It's Pam! She's the one who's possessed by the demon!" Toni cried out, and the two girls nodded and started to fly towards the menacing nurse.
"How did you know that?" Heather said.
"What else could it be?" Toni replyed. "Besides, we're in the last five minutes of the show, and we can't afford to drag it on any further."
Miyu, Larva and Kiki took positions on the roof around Pam, and they began to weave their spells. "She is the controller," Miyu confirmed. "Larva! Strike!"
Her servant rushed at Pam, but was knocked away as though he were no more effective than a plush toy.
"She's never tried battling a human of the real world before," Toni said. "They may not win."
"What if Pam gets hurt?" Heather said.
"I'm sure they'll be careful. It's not like it's the Dirty Pair up there trying to help."
"I suppose you're right. I'm still worried, though."
"We all are."
Hard as it may be to imagine, the battle on the roof was three times as spectacular as the battle of the mechs and monsters, yet nothing was destroyed in the wake of the conflict. It was a battle of pure wills, and it reached despreate proportions, until Kiki utilized a tactic she'd been saving for situations like this.
"Look! It's Carl Macek!" She said, pointing.
"Whare?" Pam yelled in terror, rising up like a lady with a mouse running under her feet, and her eyes glanced in every direction.
"Now!" Kiki yelled, and the two mystic girls unleashed their ultimate attacks. Pam screamed in pain, and then collapsed. A faint red mist issued from her still form. The mist tryed to remain together, but Miyu and Larva dove upon it, and it disappated into nothing.
Suddenly all the mechs stopped moving, and the battle slowly drew to a close. The giant monsters, disappointed at how the battle went, slowly ambled out of the area, and soon everyone was left to survey the wreckage.
----------------
Heather walked through the parking lot and kicked a loose piece of gravel out of the way. "This sucks. My car's been totaled."
Nobody was listening to her, as everyone else's attention was focused on the slowly recovering Pam.
"So you were possessed when you put on the ring you found in the folder," Toni siad, after listening to the weakened nurse's account.
"Yes," Pam said.
"That's all?" Mike asked.
"Yes,"
"You know," Toni said, "Sometimes I wish you'd be a little more talkative so we knew what you were thinking."
"Yes," Pam said, with a slight smile.
"I give up." Toni walked away, her arms raised in frustration.
"It is amazing!" Dr Stoppenstein was saying. My beautiful hospital. It was not as badly damaged as I had thought! Oh, how wonderful!"
It was hard to believe, but the mad scientist's words were true. The hospital seemed to have survived the clash with only minor strcutural damage at worse However, a disturbing groan could be heard, indicating some strain in the foundation.
"Oh, I'm so happy, I could kiss it!" Karl said, and he leaned over to peck to hospital plaque next to the front door.
Everyone else, who were uncomfortably aware of the sounds of strain, cried, "No!" And leapt to drag him away from the wall. It was too late, however, and as his lips brushed the plaque, the hospital quivered, and then collapsed completely, all at once.
A great ball of dust rose into the air, and once it cleared, the entire staff of the hospital could be seen beating Dr Stoopenstein up.
Preview of Next Week's Episode
A strange vampiric illness puts the esteemed Princess Miyu in the hospital. What secret is Toni trying to hide from her friends, and this time, it's not a doughnut! Heather finds a pair of x-ray glasses and starts a spree of smut to rival anything she's done before. Catch all the fun next week, in "Royal Pain in the Neck."
