Anime Hospital Episode two: Ill-Lum-innate-shuns
Anime Hospital Episode two: Ill-Lum-innate-shuns
Toni knew trouble was coming when she heard the croud of voices outside the hospital. It wasn't just voices, however. Sirens, and a megaphone-amplified voice added to the racket outside, and it was approaching suddenly. Toni groaned and braced herself for the worst.
The glass doors were knocked off their hinges as the giant panda known as Genma burst into the lobby. He had a determined look in his eyes and was holding a sign that read "Emergency!!" Behind him came dozens of Animes from roughly eight or so different worlds, with only one thing in common with each other. They were of the subclass known as "Takahashies," and they were being lead by Ataru Moroboshi himself, who was walking backwards and shouting through the megaphone which he carried.
When they got to the front desk, Ataru turned to Toni and shouted through the megaphone, "Hey, fat babe! We need a doctor right now!"
Toni leaned back from the force of the noise he made,and then snatched the megaphone from his hands. "Where's your appointment, you idiot?!" she screamed through the megaphone,making sure he felt the full force of the blast.
Once he recovered, Ataru straightened up and did his best to look indignant. "You don't have to yell," he said. The very next moment the megaphone was rammed down on him so hard he found his head sticking out of the speaker end.
"And don't call me fat-babe!" she finished. She calmed down and took a more casual pose. "So, what seems to be the problem?"
The croud of Animes opened up to allow the group in the center to approach the desk. Godai, Mendou, Ranma, and Rei wheeled a gurney with them. Laying on the gurney was Lum, who was quite obviously very ill, sweat covered her face, and she moaned miserably. Jariten flew up to Toni and in his little boy voice said, "Please, Miss. Lum is very sick, and she needs a doctor as soon as you can get one."
Toni looked at her critically, pursed her lips thoughtfully, and did several other things in manners that require adjectives of three or more syllables before she finally said, "Do you know what's wrong with her?"
Ten continued to hover in a way that betrayed his concern. "We don't know what's wrong with her. She just passed out suddenly while she was eating with some friends at a restaurant. I bet it was because she was so worried about that idiot husband of hers."
They both looked at Ataru, who was struggling to remove the megaphone from his body. So far he was having no luck. "Yes,I could understand that," Toni murmured. "Okay, I'll get the emergency room." She glanced at Lum, who crackled with energy briefly. "I'll make sure they wear protective clothing as well."
As if to reinforce the point, a random blast of lightning struck Ataru full force. This knocked the megaphone off of him, much to everyone's disappointment.
"At last, after all this time, she's finally done!" Dr Stoopenstein said excitedly. He was in his private laboratory,his lucky lab coat and trademark lab glasses on. "Now I need one more thing..." He wandered off to the wall with the cabinets and shelves and began fishing through the jars and bottles.
"No, not that one," he mumbled to himself. "That's not it either." Behind him was a massive ammount of strange mechanical devices. Of particular note was a huge machine that resembled a ray gun of some sort. It was ringed with golden bars and there was a spherical piece of metal at the end of it's conical barrel. It was mounted on two massive stands that hummed with energy, and it was pointed directly at the laboratory table, and what lay on it.
Covered from the coller down by a white sheet was a strange, almost eerie individual. She was dressed in a nurse's cap, had bright orange hair, and her face had numerous stitches covering it. Two electro-prods stuck out of her neck and had wires attached to them at the moment. She was apparently very tall, and she was strangely abstract, almost two-dimensional,but despite all of this, she strangely resmbled nurse Heather Farley. She lay unmoving, her eyes closed, and no breaths to give signs of life.
Finally Dr Stoopenstein said, "Aha! Here it is!" He plucked a can from the furthest shelf and dusted it off. When the dust finally fell away, the label could be read. It said,"Hot Cocoa Mix." The ratty haired doctor walked over to his note table, where a hot pot of water waited, and he fixed himself a mug of his favorite drink.
"This calls for a celebration!" he announced, though there was nobody else in the room to celebrate with him. He raised the mug into the air. "To Francis, the world's first man-made Anime. She shall be the eternal symbol that man can create life, and will also be a beacon to the cause of eternal beauty and life. I can already feel my nobel prize." Karl took a long swig from his mug, and immediately dropped it, spitting and sputtering. "Too hot!" he yelled. "Far too hot!"
His ranting was interrupted by a voice which murmured something unintelligable. "Eh?" he said. "Who's there?"
"Ol cn." The voice was coming from Francis.
"Can it be?" the doctor said in astonishment. "Has she attained life so soon? Oh, this is even better than I had hoped!" He ran over to her, removing the wires from her neck prods, saying, "Speak to me, Francis. Speak to daddy!"
"Ol cn!" she repeated. Her eyes had opened, and she was very frustrated apparently.
"What?" Karl leaned closer so he could hear her better.
Francis' arm stiffly moved up and grasped Dr Stoopenstein by the hair and pulled him up as she suddely became very loose just long enough for her to yell "Oil can, you moron!!" just before she fell back on the table, as stiffly as before.
"Eh? Oil can?" Karl said. Suddenly his face brightened. "Ah! I understand!" He dashed off to a huge pile of junk and began to fish through it for a long while. Finally he emerged with the requested item and moved in to apply it to her. Before he could squeeze one drop ot, however, she knocked it from his hand and pointed. He followed her finger to another shelf, where resing there in complete isolation was a can of oil paints. Understanding finally dawned in the doctor's thick skull, and he took the can from its shelf and began to pour the paints into it. Then he brought the can over to her.
Francis had by this time lifted herself to a relatively upright position and she took the can from him in one fluid motion, though she was still quite stiff. She took a long drink from the can, and as she did so, she changed. Her edges became smoother, and she became brighter in color. Her movements became less jerky, and she sighed with relief. "For a minute there, I thought I'd been made by Hanna-Barbara." she said.
Dr Stoopenstein was leaping up and down with excitement. "She's alive! She's alive and she's beautiful! I'm a genius!"
"Yeah, right, Nimrod. Who are you really?" Francis said as she swung herself off the table. Her voice had suddenly developed a thick New York moll accent, and she regarded the doctor with a bored expression.
"Who, me?" Karl said, surprised. "Why, I am Dr Karl von Stoopenstein, MD, PhD, VD. It was I who brought you to life."
"Yeah, okay, fine. Thanks. Now, where are all the cute guys?" She smoothed out the folds in her nurse's gown and checked herself over. "Say, I have nice legs. I've got a pretty good figure, too. And, wow, check out these-"
"Francis! You are the very first man-made creation of the perfection of eternal beauty!" Karl said, he was practically shivering with excitement. "Don't you know what this means?"
"Yeah, it means I'm going to take advantage of this eternal beauty and see what I can't 'come up' with." She was looking around the lab. "This is all wrong. The room has no ambiance, and the decor is just terrible. I'm gonna have to find some other place."
"No! No, I need you to stay right there. I need to take a photograph to preserve this moment for posterity! I'll be right back!" He dove back into his pile of junk and began to hunt for his camera.
Francis watched him for just a moment before she started to edge away from the table. The doctor was still buried in the junk pile when he poked his head out and said, "Francis?" The newly born creation was nowhere to be found.
The halls in the hospital were in complete chaos. The Anime's who had come in with Lum had decided not to wait in the lobby and were now running wild in the halls, despite all efforts to bring them back. Ataru was of course the worst in the group, chasing nearly every nurse he could find and getting severely beaten in the process. Fortunately he was beginning to slow down from all the damage he had taken.
Toni was doing her best to keep some semblance of order in the lobby, but the waiting Animes were getting a bit anxious. "I'm sorry, Mr Bernard, but Otaku visiting hours aren't for another three hours and besides, Lum is in the emergency room right now, so you couldn't visit her anyway."
"But you don't understand."
"I understand perfectly. This is no different than the time your friend Mr Jackson came in when Usagi was in with a venerial disease. It doesn't matter how much you care, or how hard you find it to believe, you cannot come in to visit your favorite Anime while she's undergoing treatment. Now go home!"
Just then the brawny nurse Mike Jones approached the desk. He was very haggered, and he was panting as he held himself up by his arms on the desk. "There's just too many of them. We can't catch them all, and there wrecking everything in their path!"
"Blasted Takahashies," Toni muttered. "Just once I wish they could do something without creating a massive repair bill in their wake."
In the south wing of the hospital, Rei was running down one of the halls, chasing Akane and saying, "Will you cook for me, for the rest of my life?"
"No!" Akane was yelling. "Get away from me you!"
Moments later Rei came running from the other direction,being chased by a bunch of wild generic Anime girls while he chased C-Ko. "Will you cook for me, for the rest of my life?" he begged.
"No! Help, A-Ko! Save me!"
A few seconds later he returned chasing yet another notable Anime. "Will you!"
"No!"
Back the other way, "Cook for me!"
"Beat it, you jerk!"
Again, "For the rest of my life!"
"Leave me alone!"
A pair of doctors were watching the specatcle like the audiance at a tennis match. They seemed very engaged with what they were seeing.
"Say, who are those other girls who keep chasing him?" one of them asked.
"Those are extras."
Meanwhile, in the north wing, Ryouga and Ranma were at it again, wrecking everything in sight as they battled each other. "I swear I'll destroy your happiness, Ranma! Now and forever I shall be avenged!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, I have no happiness!"
The battle came to a swift close, however, when Ranma's collection of fiances jumped the rival and dragged him over to a sink where they swiftly doused him from head to toe. "So, who's for pork?" one of them said.
Benten and her gang were having an impromptu race in the east wing, scattering doctors, nurses and patients left and right, and trouble consultant Kei was getting a few fashion tips from Ran.
Maris, the Supergal was busilly falling into the arms of Shutaro Mendou, and Godai had obviously said something wrong to Jariten, since he was at the moment dodging some very dangerous looking fireblasts.
The ammount of damage being done was immesurable and very soon the hospital was starting to look like it had been hit by a hurricane. Francis chose that moment to pop up, and she looked in each direction before heading to the west wing, saying to herself, "Maybe I'll have some luck this way. Everyone here is too busy for me to play with."
As she walked on, she ran into a doctor, scattering a large stack of files all over the floor. As the doctor bent down to retrieve her papers, she glanced up and gasped aloud when she saw Francis. "Wow," she said. "Talk about super deformed!"
"We need to do another test," the doctor said firmly.
"You've already done six tests," Heather reminded him. "What's one more going to tell you that the others didn't?"
"I don't know, but until we find out *something* we can't do anything to help her recover. I've never seen a combination of symptoms like this before."
"Well, I'm sure the random bolts of electricity aren't helping you much. Has Karl been notified?" Heather was in one of her unusually serious moods today, and her concern for the patient was a relief for the doctors who were treating Lum.
"Nobody's been able to find Dr Stoopenstein." the man said.
"That's probably a good thing. If anyone could make this situation worse than it already is, it'd be Karl."
"Quick! You two, get in here!" another doctor said when he burst out of the room they were standing next to. "She's awake!"
Excited, they both ran inside to see that Lum had indeed regained consciousness to some degree, though she was still far from well. She appeared to be trying to say something.
"What? What is it?" Heather demanded.
"Ol cn."
"We've already done that joke! Come on, stick with the plot!"
Lum squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth. She struggled to get to words out of her mouth, and finally said. "The... lunch..." but that was as far as she got before she passed out again crackling anew with energy. Suddenly, she started to levitate off the bed.
"Quick!" Heather cried in alarm. "Somebody hold her down!" One of the effects of Heather's serious moods is that for some reason the doctors actually took orders from her. The three that were examining her immediately grabbed her and did their best to haul her back to the bed, but it was a losing battle.
"That's it!" Heather said. "I'm going to find somebody she was having lunch with and see if they might not know what's going on. I'll be right back." With that, she left the doctors,who were still trying to hold Lum down.
When the door opened, Ataru ran by, chasing Mimsy from the Orguss Universe, screaming, "Wait! Babe! Come back!"
"Get away from me, you pervert!"
Suddenly Lum's eyes flew open and her expression turned to one of pure rage. "Dar-linnnnnnng!" she shouted, and a huge bolt of electricity shot from her and arced out the door. Ataru's trademark scream told everyone the bolt had struck home,but then something else happened.
The lights in the entire hospital dimmed and finally shut down for a few seconds, until the soft red emergency lights could come on. Lum passed out again, and fell solidly to the bed, exhausted. "All right, everyone," one of the doctors said,"Now it gets difficult."
Francis continued to walk through the halls under the emergency lights, refusing to give up her search for cute guys. She found someone who seemed agreeable at first, but when she got close enough for Megane to see her, he ran off screaming in the other direction.
Heather continued to make her way to the front desk. Amidst all the confusion, she could barely walk, but she managed out of sheer determination. In the distance she could hear a soft, cutsy voice saying "Darling, where are you?" but it faded away and Heather continued walking. Finally she got to the front desk, where Toni was holding her head in her hands and muttering phrases inappropriate for a family show.
"Toni!" Heather called. "What's going on out there, the Apocalypse or something?"
"I wish. Everything's gone completely bonkers. I knew that having all those Takahashies in one place was a bad idea." The receptionist pulled out a jelly doughnut and began to munch on it.
"Never mind that. The doctors are having trouble finding out what's wrong with Lum. Do you know ayone who was having lunch with her when she passed out?"
Toni thought for a bit. "I can only think of one of them. Miss Sakura was with her."
"Then that's the person I need to see. Where is she?"
Toni gave her a withering look. "It's anyone's guess right now, but last I heard, she and her uncle went after Miyu."
"Why? Did she break into the blood bank again?"
"Do you even have to ask?"
"I'll get right there! Thanks!"
Toni watched as Heather disappeared into the darkness. "Don't mention it," she said softly.
Francis had gotten completely lost by this time, so she decided she needed to get direction. She went to a door at random and carefully opened it. Inside were the three doctors working on Lum. One of them looked up and saw her and said,"Well, did you find anything?"
"No..." Francis began, surprised at the question.
"Well, never mind that now, we need your help. I need you to prepare a shot for this patient to calm her down!"
Francis looked around. The lights were so dim it was hard to see things very well, but she decided that if she wasn't going to find any cute guys she might as well be doing something with her time. She went over to the cabinet and began to do as the doctor instructed her.
Francis looked at the various medicines in the cabinet and wondered what she was going to do next. From behind, a doctor said, "What are you waiting for? Hurry it up!"
"All right! All right!" she grumbled and just picked a few things out, poured them together, and sucked them up with a syringe. She brought the needle to one of the doctors, who took it and injected some of it into Lum.
Lum immediately calmed down, and the doctors relaxed for a moment. "Whew! At least that's over with. Any ideas about what to do next?"
"Not a one. All we can do for now is wait and hope her condition doesn't become life-threatening," said another doctor.
"Some might say it's already reached that point," said the third, who removed his hood to reveal a badly scorched face. "I hate Animes."
"Hear hear!" the other two said.
Francis looked at everyone in the room with a rather bored expression. Then she noticed a few paints laying next to her on the table. She smiled and started to chug them down. As she did so, the prods on her neck began to hum with energy. Suddenly a bolt of energy shot from her neck to Lum, who absorbed the shock like a sponge.
Instantly Lum shot into the air, radiating electricity in every concievable direction, and shot out of the door before any of the doctors could do anything. All three of them ran out the door after her, screaming with panic.
Francis watched them take off, sighed, and left the room in search of more excitement. Outside the chaos had turned into absolute violence as the Takahashies began to fight amongst themselves in completely random fashion.
Lum continued to fly through the halls, shooting off electricity and still unconscious. She passed by a croud from the Ikkoku Universe and severely shocked them all before they were even aware of her. The doctors said their apologies as they ran by and called out for someone to catch Lum.
Karl poked his head out of his laboratory door and said,"Francis?" he stepped out and looked down the hall to see Lum bearing down on him. He screamed out loud and ran in the opposite direction as fast as he could.
More people joined in the chase, either chasing Lum or running awat from her, and pretty soon the situation began to look like the closing credits of The Benny Hill Show. Then, just as suddenly as she had started, Lum seemed to run out of energy,sputter a little, and collapse to the ground.
The three doctors rushed to the green haired Anime and quickly checked her over.
"What's wrong?" Dr Stoopenstein asked.
One of the doctors looked up at the administrator, sighed, and said, "She's dying."
"Lum's DYING?!?"
The news spread quickly among the Takahashi's, and they all called a cease fire in the light of this emergency. They gathered around the doctors who were treating Lum and watched with nervous eyes. Ten was the most upset, and flew to her face,whimpering, "Don't die, Lum. Please don't die!"
Ten's tears prompted Mendou to start crying, followed by Megane and his posse, and very soon there wasn't a dry animated eye in the place. Rei transformed into a giant tiger-cow to vent out his grief, and pretty soon everyone was wailing for all they were worth.
Suddenly Heather's voice shouted over all them and said,"Quiet!!!" Everybody hushed immediately and opened to clear a path for her to pass. Following Heather were Miss Sakura nd Cherry, who both had a firm grip on Ran. As they approached the still form of Lum, Heather said, "Now tell them what you told me."
Ran looked positively miserable. "I- I was trying to think of a way to get Darling from Lum, so I could have my revenge, when this hag walked up to me and gave me an apple. She told me that whoever ate the apple would sleep for the rest of their life, and so I gave it to Lum when we went out to lunch together. I didn't know it would do this, honest! I didn't mean to kill her!" She fell down beside Lum and said. "Lum! I'm sorry! Oh, what shall I do?" She began to cry.
Everyone else was slowly becoming very angry. In particular the Ranma Universe croud seemed about ready to perform their very specialized form of lynching. before they could do so, however, Miss Sakura stepped up, and following her was nurse Pam Kaburi.
"Wait! There is an antidote." Miss Sakura said. "I have read up on this poison." She held up a book with the title,"Grimm's Fairy Tales." "What we need is a Prince to kiss her,and she will be fine."
"In that case, since I am the closest thing to a Prince here, it is I who should kiss her," said Mendou, and he walked up to kiss Lum. Suddenly Miss Sakura kicked him back twelve feet into the waiting arms of Maris.
"I sense that you are not the one to save her." Sakura said firmly. She waved her spiritual stick a few times and said,"The one who can save Lum with a kiss is..." Her eyes opened with surprise. "You!" she said, pointing to Ataru.
"ATARU!?!?" everyone said in unision. "He's no Prince!" The last part was said by Mr Moroboshi.
"I never should have had him," Ataru's mother said.
"No, if it is I who can save her, then I will gladly do so," Ataru said. He had a serious expression, and everybody paused in awe. He walked up to Lum, kneeled down and kissed her lightly on the lips.
Lum's eyes fluttered a bit, and finally opened. She stopped sweating and managed to say, "W-What happened?"
One of the doctors said with relief, "She's okay!"
"Ataru! You're so noble!" Shinobu said, and she hugged him with great affection.
"Your husband just saved your life, Miss." another doctor told Lum. Lum smiled and said, "Darling!" and leapt up to embrace him as well, complete with electrical shocks.
