Anime Hospital Episode one: Going Gumballistic
begin opening credits
(sung)
We hate Animes
What's with these guys anyways?
Tiny mouths and hubcap eyes
Repair bill are on the rise
Karl better soon get wise
Before it's one of use who dies.
Dr Karl Stoopenstien
Had a little to much wine
Now we're stuck in space and time
Tell us, just what was our crime?
Now we're the
ANIME HOSPITAL!
ANIME HOSPITAL!
Nine to five we're curing ailments
Of people purely fictional!
Toni's got an attitude
Let her bark, her bites hurt more
Heather's got both her eyes glued
On every single guy's barn door.
Mike's a romantic
Pam's a mystery
Karl's always frantic
Brain the size of a flea.
Life's a little dangerous
Doctors only raise a fuss
Screaming out our final plea
All we want's reality!
Cause we're the
ANIME HOSPITAL!
ANIME HOSPITAL!
Nine to five we're curing ailments
Of people purely fictional!
C R A S H ! !
Anime Hospital Episode one: Going Gumballistic
Toni snuck another jelly doughnut out from the secret cache in her desk drawer and took a bite from it. The day was half over, and there was none of the usual craziness thus far,but she wondered how long that would last. The reception hall was clear and so far the worst case of the day was a room full of stomachaches thanks to C-Ko's cooking.
Suddenly the front door burst open and four women in hardsuits staggered their way up to the front desk. Toni glanced around desperately for a place to hide her treasured pastry, but her desk was so cluttered there was no space available to fit the doughnut. Desperately, she stuffed it down her bra. She frantically redid top button of her blouse just as the women finished limping their way over.
"Ah, the Knight Sabers," Toni said, doing her best to look casual. "Gee, another visit? How surprising."
Sylia lifted her visor. Her hair was bedraggled and a thin trickle of blood ran down the side of her face. "GENOM caught us by surprise," she gasped "Most of us are fine, but Priss is very hurt,"
"As usual," Toni interjected.
"Please, may we have an appointment?"
"I think so," Toni said thoughtfully. "In fact, we can even take care of your other appointments early, since you're here." She glanced up to see the ladies removing their helmets. "Now let's see..." She fished through the papers on her desk,found one, yanked it out, causing a large stack to crash to the ground. She payed it no heed, adjusted her glasses a bit, and looked the paper over. "Ah, yes. Nene has an appointment with Dr Urize..."
Nene began to edge away from the counter. "Do I *have* to see the eye doctor?"
The others gave her an annoyed look. "YES!" they all said in unision. Linna added, "We've been through this before. Your aim stinks, and we *know* that you faked your police physical."
Nene continued to pout, but Toni broke in, "Linna, you have a gynacolagist's appointment coming up, don't you?"
Linna's smirk dissappeared, and her hands reached down to a shy posture while her cheeks changed several shades.
"Uh-huh," Toni noted. "You all have appointments with the Podiatrist?"
"Uh, yes, well, fighting boomers is rather hard on the feet," Sylia tried to explain.
"It wouldn't be if you didn't do it in high heels," Toni said.
In the west wing of the hospital, Nurse Heather Farley was having a friendly chat with one of the doctors, and she was edging closer and closer to him with each passing minute. He did not seem to mind. Passing them was a young man who had cybernetic body parts from the neck down followed by an earnest little bear cub wearing a blue bow tie.
"The Ranger's not gonna like this, Yugo..." the bear cub was saying nervously. They continued down the hall until they were out of sight.
"So, what are you doing Saturday?" Heather asked the doctor, but before he could reply, she noticed a man in a flimsy hospital gown make his way uncomfortably down the hall. "Who's that?" she said with undisguised interest.
"Him?" the doctor said, with just a hint of disappointment in his voice. "That's Leon, of the Bubblegum universe. I think he's here for a few days because of injuries sustained in the line of duty."
"He's gorgeous," Heather said. "And of course he'll need the loving care of a devoted nurse." She lifted her hand to rub the doctor's chin, propping it up with her index finger. "Sorry,darling, but work comes before pleasure," she said, her voice dripping honey with every word. She started to follow Leon in much the same way a wolf stalks her pray, but she was stopped by a male nurse who looked like he could have played quarterback for any football team in the world.
"Nurse Farley, where are you going?" he asked. "Shouldn't you be in the south wing taking care of those stomachache patients?"
"Oh, Mike," Heather began, her eyes still following Leon down the hall.
"Nurse Jones," he said stiffly.
"Okay, Nurse Jones," she muttered. "Well, the south wing was all out of gauze pads, so I thought I'd look here for some."
Mike reached into his medical bag and pulled out several pads. "Will this be enough?"
Heather let a glimmer of annoyance cross her face. "Did I say gauze pads?" she said. "What I meant is they were out of syringes." He handed her a half-dozen. "Stethoscopes?" He gave her three. "Methanol?" He gave her two jars. "Life support stands!" she said triumphantly.
Her jaw nearly hit the ground when he pulled out one of those as well, complete with fluid bags and tubing. "Cripes! Do you have Hoffa in there?"
"Well, let me just check..."
"Never mind! I'm going already..." Heather stormed off,wondering what would have happened if she had actually let him check.
The orderly glanced nervously in both directions before he approached the door. He checked the sheet of paper hung outside and smiled. "This is the place," he whispered before quietly opening the door and creeping inside.
Inside, Priss had passed out on the hospital bed and was resting fitfully. "Peaceful as a baby," the orderly snickered. He snuck up to the refridgerator and pulled out a bottle from it. Quickly he unscrewed the lid and poured the contents down the sink. Then he pulled another bottle from inside his uniform and poured it into the first bottle.
"One shot of this stuff, and in twenty-four hours she'll go completely berzerk. The Knight Sabers are doomed!" he was muttering as he went about his dirty work. He took some time off to chuckle villainously and then crept quietly out of the room.
"What's so funny?" Mike asked curiously from behind the snickering orderly. He squeaked and leaped into the air with surprise. When he turned around, he had a nervous look on his face.
"Eh? Funny? Um, well... you see," he faltered.
Mike looked at the orderly a bit more closely and said,"Say, there's something funny about you. Where's you name tag? Who are you?"
"Ah, er... I'm..."
Just then, there was a horrific scream, and from another room a nurse came running wildly, yelling bloody murder at the top of her lungs.
Mike's eyes rolled up into his head as he said, "Somebody must have forgot to warn the nurse not to give Ranma a sponge bath again." He ran off to chase her down, but as he was halfway after her, he turned to glance back at the mysterious orderly.
The man was nowhere to be found.
When Priss awoke, she complained non-stop about her aches and pains. She put up a good front in the battlefield, but once she was in a hospital and outside the earshot of her comrades she became a first-class whiner. Nurse Pam Kaburi silently endured the singer-warrior as she prepared her injection.
"Roll up your sleeve," Pam said, and Priss immediately shut up.
"Why?" she asked. Then she noticed the tiny cloth with rubbing alcohol on it. "Uh-uh, no way. I don't like needles," she said fearfully. "They hurt."
"So does this," Pam said, and she reached behind Priss' jaw and pressed her finger against the pressure point between her jaw and ear.
"Ow!" Priss shouted. Pam released the pressure and folded her arms expectantly. "All-right, already." She rolled up one of her sleeves and gritted her teeth and Pam rubbed the alcohol on the appropriate area. She winced and whined when the needle broke the skin, and as Pam left the room to take care of her next patient, Priss was childishly sucking her thumb. She removed the bandage on her arm and examined the wound.
Just then, Heather walked into the room, visably annoyed at being thown off the trail of all the cute guys. She looked at the folder next to Priss' bed, and went to the counter to prepare her shot.
Priss' eyes became wider. "Hey, wait, the other nurse-"
"Oh, be quiet, you," Heather snapped. Priss tried to move her arm away from Heather's reach, until she got annoyed at her and said, "Fine, turn over, we'll just go in the other way."
"The other...?" Priss said. "No! No way, you aren't sticking a needle in there."
"Then hold still."
Priss whimpered a little, but allowed herself to be injected yet again with the medicine. Heather began to clean up for the doctor when Dr Karl von Stoopenstein walked in.
"Oh, good," he said in his thick German accent. "I was hoping to get here before the Doctor came in. I decided to do a little 'hands on' work today." He looked Priss over, noting her wounds and the slightly glazed look in her eyes that had suddenly appeared, and said, "My, my you are in bad shape aren't you, my dear?"
"Uh-huh," Priss said.
"Heather, why don't you take care of some of the patients in the west-"
"Right away, sir!" Heather said as she flew out of the room shouting "Yippee!"
"Well, then, let's see, what do we have here?" Karl said as he looked over Priss' file. "Ah, first you need a little shot. I can do that. Yes, that will be very nice. Now, then,young lady, please roll up your sleeve."
"Awwww," Priss said, as she sat up and swerved a little on the bed. "But I don't wanna."
"I'll give you a candy, if you're a good girl," the ratty haired man said over his shoulder as he prepared the shot.
Priss stuck her lower lip out in a pouty expression, but she rolled up her sleeve and allowed herself to recieve the shot for a grand total of three times. "There's a good girl," Karl said. "Well, I'll just be going on to the next patient then." And with that, he walked out of the room, humming a little song to himself.
Priss looked at her wounded arm, which had finally been given a bandage, and whimpered a little more. She rocked back and forth a little, mumbling unitelligibly. Suddenly she said,"Wait, I want my candy," and got off the bed and left the room in search of the doctor.
Leon was hungry, and while he was glad to be out of confinement to his bed, he wished that he could still have food delivered to his room. He still hadn't found the cafeteria, and he hated walking around the hospital in the gowns they gave out. Not that he really minded the attention, it was just that he would have preferred feminine awe over general amusement. Finally he had found some signs indicating the direction of the cafeteria and his stomach expressed its approval as he headed that way.
Suddenly, a husky voice from behind him said, "Well hel-lo there Leon."
He spun around to see Priss leaning against the corridor wall, her hands seductively lifting her hair above her head. "Oh, my, don't you look tasty in that outfit," she said.
"P- Priss?" Leon said carefully. "Are you feeling well?"
"I feel fine," Priss said as she did a little pirroette,finishing it with her falling so that her hands wrapped themselves around his shoulders. "But I know how you can make me feel *much* better,"
Leon's hair was standing on its ends. "Priss, you're starting to scare me. But-"
"But what?"
"But I like it," he admitted.
"Oh, good," she said. "Follow me." She broke away from him, and Leon, hunger forgotten, obediently tagged along as she led him down the halls.
Moments later he staggered out of a doorway, clenching his jaw in one hand and a more sensitive area in the other while he moaned in pain. "What happened?" he managed to mumble just before he passed out.
Priss came out of the door, scowling. She took one look at Leon and said, "You pig!" before she took off down the hall in the opposite direction. "Oh! I can't believe his nerve!"
Pam ran out of Priss' room looking very worried. "Dr Stoopenstien! We have a patient on the loose!"
As she ran by a corner, Priss poked her head out, looked both ways, breathed a sigh of relief and stepped out into the open. She danced over to her room, chanting, "I'm going to stop the boomers, I'm going to stop the boomers!" along the way. Soon she was in her hardsuit and snuck down the hall, turning a corner just as Pam, Karl, Heather, and Mike showed up to look inside.
"You're right, she is missing," Karl noted when they looked inside. Heather got ready to smack him upside the head,but Mike stopped her in mid-swing. Pam looked around.
"She's been back," she said. "Her hardsuit's gone."
"Oh, that's just great," Heather said. "What the heck does she think she's up to, anyway?"
"We should notify security, and hope that they find her," Mike put in.
Everybody looked at each other for a heartbeat or two,and then all together they said, "Bad idea."
Meanwhile, the orderly snuck into a broom closet, and pulled out a small communications device from his coat. "This is agent 31674, calling headquarters."
A face flickered onto the viewscreen. "Did you make the switch?" the man asked.
"Of course I did. How stupid do you think I am?"
"Did you hide the evidence?"
"Evidence?"
"The original bottle."
"Uh-oh."
Back in the room, everyone was looking around the room,wondering where Priss had gone, why she had left, and what they should do about it. Suddenly Pam noticed a bottle lying next to the sink. She picked it up, read the label, and put it back down. She went to the refridgerator, pulled out the other bottle, poured a little bit out into the sink, and set it down as well. She picked up the other bottle, and walked over to the group.
"I believe this may answer some of our questions," she told them.
They looked at the bottle. "How did *that* get in here?" Mike said. "You don't think she drank some, do you?"
"No," Pam said. "I believe I injected her with it."
"What!?" everyone else said in unision. "How could you make a stupid mistake like that?" Heather added.
"Because I think someone put its contents into this bottle," Pam said, and she showed them the regular medicine.
"Why did you give her a shot? I already gave her one fifteen minutes ago."
"I gave it to her eightteen minutes ago."
"Oh, well, how come I didn't see a bandage?"
"Because she must have taken it off," Mike said, as he picked it off the ground and showed it too them.
"That means she was injected with this stuff twice?" Heather said.
"Maybe three times," Karl said then. They all gave him a blank stare. "I was only trying to help."
"I'll kill him," Heather said, and she reached out her hands to strangle him.
"No you don't!" Mike said in alarm, and he grabbed one arm while Pam took hold of the other one and they struggled to keep the murderous nurse away from the administrator.
"Oh, what will we do, this is a very big problem. There's no telling what she's capable of in the condition she's in," Karl said as he fitfully paced the room.
"We get her pals and we hunt her down, that's what." Heather said. "Now let me at him!"
Toni waited, and she waited, and she waited, and finally the waiting room cleared so that she could reach into her bra to draw out the jelly doughnut she'd been hiding.
Just then the front doors burst open as Priss came riding through in her motorcycle, yelling, "Take that, GENOM!" and roaring down the east wing halls, scattering nurses and orderlies like litter. Toni's arms flew to her chest in shock,smearing the doughnut flat inside her gown. Jelly oozed out, and all Toni could do was whimper her loss.
"Wheeeeeee!!!" Priss could be heard to say as she faded out of sight.
Toni gingerly removed the doughnut and began to wipe the jelly away with some tissue paper. "Heaven help her the next time she comes in," she mumbled.
Meanwhile the other Knight Sabers had been assembled by Mike, Pam and Heather and the situation had been explained to them. The three women had gotten into their hardsuits and everyone seemed ready for the worst. "Now all we need to do is locate her," Heather said.
Just then, a loud scream was heard further down the hall, followed by the sound of a motorcycle passing by. Moments later, Leon staggered up to them. A track of tire prints ran from his pants to his face, and as he approached them, he managed to say, "Nurse, I'd like to talk about extending my visit..." just before he passed out again.
Sylia, Nene and Linna looked at each other, nodded their heads in confirmation. "Knight Sabers, go!" Sylia said, and they all ran off in the direction Leon just came from. As soon as they got to the "T" intersection at the end of the hall, they all jumped in surprise, and began to run back towards the assembled nurses, a rain of gunfire closely. Priss appeared,with her motorcycle shifted into battle armor form, firing her gun in apparently random fashion.
Mike and Heather both gaped in disbelief and then joined the Knight Sabers in fleeing the scene. Pam remained calm and stood her ground as Priss quickly approached her. Just before she was run down by the approaching mecha, the slim nurse leapt into the air, twisting just so and landing in so that she straddled the top of the rampaging armor.
The gunfire had stopped, and the armor suit was swerving dangerously. Pam checked, and saw that Priss had falled asleep,but was still causing the vehicle to fly. Using her own body leverage, Pam did her best to steer the armor out of people's way.
The others had apparently not noticed that the gunfire had ceased, and continued to run, even though Pam had even steered the mecha down another hallway. They came down to where Priss was originally being held, and saw the mysterious orderly sneaking out with the bottle he had left behind. He turned around just in time to see the five fleeing individuals run him down, tripping over themselves in the process and winding up as a big heap in the center of the hall.
When they all got back to their feet, Mike noticed the orderly and said, "Hey, I remember you!"
"And look at what he has," Heather added as she took to bottle from him. "I think you have some questions to answer,pal. Starting with what you're doing with this." She held the bottle up in front of him.
Mike suddenly said, "Wait, look at his face." They all did so, and saw that there was a rather odd and disturbingly artificial looking fold over the left cheek. Mike walked up to him, grabbed the face, and yanked. The face stretched out like loose rubber, and then came free, revealing...
"You're an Anime!" Heather and Mike said in unision.
"I'm more than that," the orderly said, and suddenly all his skin burst forth to reveal a significantly larger body of steel underneath. "I'm GENOM's top line prototype, the ultra-super deluxe boomer! The Knight Sabers don't stand a chance!" With that, he chuckled. Then he laughed, long and hard,as if he had nothing better to do at the moment.
"Look out!" everyone heard Pam say, and when they glanced down the hall, they saw her astride Priss' armor and bearing down on them at extremely high speeds. Everyone leapt out of the way just in time to avoid it, but the boomer was still laughing maniaically. He was caught completely by surprise and was carried with the flying mecha to the end of the hall, where Pam jumped off just before is slammed into the reinforced walls, effectively flattening the unltra-super deluxe boomer.
Much later, when all the confusion had been settled,everyone was in the reception hall talking with Toni about the events. "Oh, so that's what happened," Toni said. "Gee, that's a shame," she added almost regretfully.
"Why?" Mike asked.
Just then a bloodcurdling scream was heard from down the hall, causing everyone except Toni to cringe apprehensively.
"What did you do to her?!" Mike demanded.
"Oh, nothing, really. I just changed to music feed to her room and raised the volume a little."
"Changed the music to what?"
"Every song Vison's ever recorded."
Preview of next week's episode
Lum is sick! Nobody knows what's ailing her, but she's steadily getting more and more unstable! Ataru is chasing all the nurses and female patients and getting mangled in the process! Good thing he's in a hospital! Join the craziness as the cast of Urusei Yatsura guest stars in: Ill-Lum-innate-shuns!
