The fruits basket of leeks and the evil twins
WARNING: This fic is entirely silly. If anyone takes it seriously, I'll hold my breath until I turn blue in the face.
DISCLAIMER: blah blah Copyright blah blah Takaya-sensei and Hana To Yume blah blah Weasels in my pants blah blah
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"What's that?" asked Kyo, pointing to the large, velvet draped rectangular object Shigure had just propped against the wall.
"A painting," said Shigure. "But not just *any* painting." His usually cheery, irritating smile was mixed in with his knowing, irritating smile, making Kyo clench his teeth.
"What kind of painting?" Yuki asked tiredly, apparently as annoyed with the Dog as Kyo was.
Leaning forward, Shigure said in a low voice, "A *cursed* painting."
"A cursed painting," said Yuki in a flat voice.
Shigure nodded, his face awash in concern and seriousness.
"A cursed painting?!" yelled Kyo as he grabbed Shigure by his kimono and shook him. "Why the hell did you bring something cursed into this house?!"
"Ma, ma," he said, gently extracting himself from Kyo's grasp. "I'd learned about it's curse, and feeling sorry for the owner, I offered to take care of it, since we Sohma's are familiar with curses."
Kyo and Yuki stared at him until he broke out into a nervous grin.
"I met this woman at a temple who was weeping about the curse, and-"
"A woman," said Yuki. "That explains it."
"Why didn't she just burn it?" asked Kyo.
"She must have already tried that if she was weeping about it at a temple, stupid cat."
"Maybe she was the stupid one, you damn mouse!"
"Ma, ma," said Shigure as he stepped between them. "Lets put all that aside until after we deal with the painting, ne?"
"What does it do, anyway?" asked Kyo.
"It produces evil twins of people," answered Shigure.
"Evil twins? Shouldn't that be a mirror, then?"
"It's magic, it can do it any way it wants. Idiot."
"Why you-"
Shigure put a restraining hand on his chest.
"Yuki-kun, please."
Yuki sighed and nodded.
"So what does it look like?"
Grinning, Shigure dramatically yanked off the covering velvet.
"Taa-daa!"
Kyo immediately felt the evilness of the painting beating against him. Dark clouds colored black, blood red and sickly yellow writhed in the background, while in front *it* loomed, tall, insolent, malevolent, green...
"It's a leek, isn't it?" asked Yuki.
"Yes," answered Shigure.
"A leek," Yuki repeated flatly.
Shigure nodded sagely.
"A *leek*?!" exploded Kyo. "Who would curse a painting of a stupid leek? Who the hell would *paint* a damned leek in the first place?!"
"Ma, ma, Kyo-kun, calm down. Maybe leeks are integral to the curse somehow."
"They certainly taste bad enough for that to be true," Kyo grumbled.
"Shigure," said Yuki, looking somewhat worried, "why hasn't it made an evil twin of any of us? Is it even safe to be in the room with it?"
"It's alright, it only activates if someone enters the room it's in while it's uncovered. I'll cover it up right now."
Shigure picked up the velvet covering and stepped over to the painting -
"Ah, hello everyone!" Tohru said cheerfully as she stepped into the room. "What's tha-"
The painting flared and shot a sickly green glow at Tohru. It pulsed and flickered around her for a moment before fading, revealing two Tohrus standing side by side.
One of them stared at the other in shock, hair standing out straight, while the other walked up to Kyo, smiling evilly. Gods, thought Kyo, an evil Tohru! She was so innocent and pure, what would an *evil* one-
She began poking him in the stomach.
He looked down at the twin in befuddlement: poking, definitely poking; he could feel it, her small fingertip barely pressing into the muscles of his stomach. Looking up, he saw that the real Tohru was still in shock, while Shigure was thoughtfully rubbing his chin and Yuki had covered his face with one hand.
Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke. Poke, poke, poke, poke, po-
"You call that evil!!" he yelled at her, causing the twin to jump back and look up at him with those huge, huge eyes. She then bowed to him over and over.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You're right, that's hardly evil at all!"
She scrunched her eyes shut in concentration, hands balled into fists beneath her chin.
"Evil, evil, evil, think evil. Evil..."
"Aha!" she said, her face brightening as her eyes snapped open. "I know! When I go to my part time job, I'll only work a *little* hard instead of working really, really hard!"
Nodding her head in satisfaction, she went back to poking Kyo's stomach, while Yuki put his other hand over his face and the real Tohru began swaying on her feet, her eyes spinning.
"O-only a little hard?" stammered the real Tohru. "What will my coworkers think? Wh-what will mother think? Ohhhh..."
Kyo ground his teeth as the evil Tohru poked away. He wanted to smack her, but she was still *Tohru*, even if she wasn't real, and-
"Kyoooo-kuunn," called Kagura as she stepped into the room. "What-"
The painting flared again, threw out more green light, and there two Kagura's standing before the doorway.
"Wh-wh-wha-wha-," stammered one Kagura, while the other glared at evil Tohru with burning eyes. Roaring, she charged forward-
And punched herself in the nose. Enraged by the attack, she retaliated with an uppercut to her own chin, which was countered with a fist to her stomach, and it soon degenerated into an all out brawl.
"Ararara," said Shigure, "the evil Kagura-kun is so violent that she beats up *herself*. My, did she just kick herself in the chin?"
"Yes, she did," agreed a dazed Yuki.
"If I'd know that Kagura-kun was so... limber, I'd have been much more attentive to her."
By this point, Kagura had pinned herself to the floor.
"This is all very interesting," he continued, "but I really can't tell who to place my bets on. I should really cover up the paint-"
"What's going on here?" demanded Akito as he stepped into the room; everyone looked at him in dread filled silence, except for Kagura, who seemed to finally be getting the upper-hand against herself. The painting flared, sending out another bolt of green light. It flickered and writhed around him, but unlike before, it didn't dissipate.
"Huh?" said Kyo. "Wha..."
The light trembled, seemed to be breaking apart- and suddenly turned red before dissolving like before, revealing two Akitos. One Akito looked in shock at the other, while the presumably evil Akito (well, the *more* evil Akito, Kyo amended to himself) locked gazes with a stunned Yuki. The eviller Akito rushed at the terrified Yuki-
And collapsing to his knees, hugged Yuki around the waist and began bawling like a baby.
"Oh, Yuki, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! After all the horrible things I've done to you, how can you ever forgive me?! Whaaaaaaaa!!!!"
Yuki simply stared at the weeping Akito in shock, while Shigure stroked his chin.
"Yes, yes, I see," said Shigure. "Akito is *already* so evil that it couldn't make an evil twin, so it had make a *good* twin instead."
The real Tohru rushed over to Akito's side and began comforting him, while the evil one rushed over, but stopped short.
"Wait, I'm *evil*!" she said to herself. "I shouldn't try to comfort him. Ummm, ummmm... Ah!"
She placed her hands on her hips and threw her head back.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Suffer, Akito, for..." she looked down at the weeping Akito and faltered. "For... for..."
Face crumpling, she knelt down besides Akito and wrapped an arm around him.
"Shh, shhh, it's alright," said evil Tohru. "I'm sure that Yuki will forgive you."
Kyo looked from her to evil Kagura, who was now holding herself in the air by her neck, to the normal Kagura and Akito, still standing shocked in front of the door, back to the sobbing Akito being comforted by *two* Tohrus, then to the floating Kagura, to the menacing leek painting, to the-
"What the hell-"
"-is going on here?!" he yelled.
Huh? Why was he looking at a white wall? With light-bulbs on it?? The ceiling; he was laying down. Huh?!
"Kyo-kun?" said a worried sounding Tohru. She was close, but he couldn't see her. He was laying on the floor, and his head was pillowed on something soft on warm, which shifted under him.
"Is Kyo-kun alright?" she said again, her face suddenly appearing above him, her hair brushing against one of his cheeks.
"Gah!" He leapt to his feet and looked down at the kneeling girl; his head had been laying in her lap!
"The stupid cat looks fine to me," said Yuki in bored voice.
"Huh?" said Kyo. "Wh-what happened?"
Shigure made a tsking sound.
"Yuki-kun force-fed you some leek that Tohru-kun cooked," he said, "and you passed out."
Hearing that, he became aware of the foul taste lingering in his mouth, and rushed over to the sink to spit into it. Gah, leeks! He spun around to confront the damn mouse, only to find himself inches away from Tohru's worried eyes.
"Is Kyo-kun really alright?" she asked. "You've never passed out that long from a leek before."
Flushing at her closeness, he looked down at the floor.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine. It just gave me this really weird dream, that's all."
"Haaaanh?" said Shigure, a mischievous grin on his face. "What sort of dream would Kyo-kun have while his head was cradled in the lap of the beautiful Tohru-kun."
"I-idiot!" spat Kyo. "It was nothing like that! There was this cursed painting that made evil twins of people, and it made an evil twin of Tohru-san, then-"
He looked up to see Tohru was looking down at the floor, her shoulders slightly slumped.
"E-evil?" she said in a small voice. "Me? I..."
Gah! She was acting like he'd said that *she* was evil! Why did she always have to think everything was her fault? It was so freaking annoying!
He leaned down until his head was level with hers, then waited for her to look up. When she did, he looked her straight in the eyes and started poking her stomach.
"You're *really* lousy at being evil," he said.
She tilted her head to the side, giving him a puzzled look.
"Never mind," he said, standing up straight and waving a hand. "Never mind, it was just a stupid leek-induced dream. I'm going to go wash the taste of leeks out of my mouth. Ptui!"
Walking out of the kitchen, he heard Yuki say "I wonder what my evil twin did."
"I bet my evil twin was groping high-school girls," said Shigure.
"Don't you *already* do that?"
"Yuki-kuuuunnn", whined Shigure, "don't be so meaaaannnn."
Reaching the bathroom, Kyo ripped the cap off a bottle of mouth-wash and filled his mouth with its antiseptic taste. Damn leeks; damn mouse. He spit into the sink and leaned against the wall. Still, waking up with his head in Tohru's lap... For something like that, eating leaks might be worth-
"Feh!" he snorted, disgusted with himself. "What am I thinking? It's not like this is some mushy shoujo manga or anything."
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