Bubble Gum Cards
Mega-Yonkers 2038 : The Story of Knight Foils
BUBBLE GUM CARDS
by Ryan Mathews
An Irreverent, Irrelevant Parody
[Opening scene: A television commercial. A big, blue Buma dances around the house while a song plays.]
SONG: If you're tired and bored with household deeds, A GE Buma is what you need Cleans your house and cooks the food A GE Buma is one cool dude!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies! Is household drudgery getting you down? Then invest in a GE Buma! The latest in household appliances! Just look at all it can do! It can cook! [A Buma flips pancakes] It can clean! [A Buma scrubs floors] It can get rid of pests! [A Buma catches rats and cockroaches and eats them] It can get rid of salesmen!
SALESMAN: Hello! Can I interest you in some encyclopedias---ARRRRGGHHH!! [The Buma shoves the sample case down the saleman's throat.]
ANNOUNCER: Why, it'll even wash windows!
BUMA Grrrrrrr...
ANNOUNCER: Haha! Well, it'll do *almost* anything! And right now with prices starting as low as Y2,000,000, there's no better time to buy! Ask your GE dealer for financing deals! That's the new Buma! From GE, Genom Electric!
[The channel changes and the screen switches to a kitchen, with a certain female PBS chef and a male assistant.]
ANNOUNCER: And now, Julia Child's Kitchen!
JULIA CHILD Oh, *hello* there and welcome back to the show! The gentlemen at GE have been so nice to provide me one of their new Kitchen-model Bumas! Say hello, Jules!
JULES Grarl.
JULIA CHILD Oh, isn't he just *marvelous*. My next dish involves peanuts. Unfortunately, the only peanuts I have on hand at the moment are those little sacks they hand out on airlines, and I always have such a *devil* of a time getting them open. Could you help, Jules? *There's* a good boy. [Ms. Child hands the bags of peanuts to the Buma, who struggles unsuccessfully to open one up.] I'll be needing to melt some butter too. Now where did I put the flamethrower? Ah, there it is! [The Buma bursts out of its skin and grows to twice its size, but still can't open the bag of peanuts.] Actually, I was thinking of using incendiary grenades, but you just can't get that fine control over the temperature. [The Buma tries to rip the bag open with its teeth, fails, and starts to throw a tantrum.] How is it coming with the peanuts? [The Buma grabs Ms. Child's right arm and rips it off. Blood spurts all over the place.] Oh, dear. Wasn't there a Saturday Night Live skit like this? It seems that Dan Akroyd fellow was prophetic in a way. I'll just shuffle over here and call an ambulance. [The Buma roars and rips her head off.]
DIRECTOR: Run for your lives! The Buma's gone berserk!
[Cut to control room.]
PRODUCER [on the phone] Hello? Yes, I have a job for you, now!!
[Cut to a punk-rock bar. Hordes of slam-dancing teenagers crowd the stage. The MC walks out.]
MC And now, punkers and punkettes! The moment you've all been waiting for! The First Lady of Punk! The one, the only.... Piss!!
[The crowd roars as a punk-rocker girl with butch-brown hair comes on stage with a mike and starts screaming lyrics at the crowd.]
PISS: Oy 'ate you lousy fockers! Oy wish 'at you were dead! Oy'd like to put big 'oles in your fat stinky 'eads! Oy! [boom-boom-boom] Fock you! Oy! [boom-boom-boom] Fock you! [Piss' watch beeps. She holds to her face. To the watch:] Oy! Piss 'ere!
WATCH Piss? This is Wacky. We've got a berserk Buma at the PBS station.
PISS: All roight! Time to kick some arse! [To the crowd:] Oy! I'm outta 'ere! Piss off! [Piss leaves and gets accosted by the manager.]
MANAGER Hey! You can't leave! I paid good money for this show! [Piss kicks him in the groin. High voice:] But if you must go, I won't stand in your way.
[Cut to a horrendous traffic jam. A redheaded policewoman directs the traffic, making it worse.]
NINNY: [pointing every which way] Now let's see, my left is their right. Or is it the other way around? Do they drive on the left side or the right? Or is it my left that they drive on? Which hand is my left, anyway? I'm so confused. Oh! Look at the nails on this hand! I need a manicure! [She holds her hand out to examine it, causing a fiery ten-car collision in front of her. Her watch beeps.] What's that, Wacky? Berserk Buma? I'll be right there! Hmm. The traffic doesn't seem to be moving much. Guess I'm not needed.
[Cut to an aerobics class. 15 huge, hulking women thunder up and down while a black-haired girl named Leonard and her assistant direct them.]
ASSISTANT Say, Leonard? About the floor?
LEONARD: What about it? [Several women smash through the floor, leaving really big holes.] Darn it! What did I tell you about trying to sneak out to the restaurant on the lower floor! You'll never lose weight this way! [Leonard's watch beeps.] Yes? Mm-hmm? I'm coming. Take over, Eileen, I've got other business.
[Cut to a advanced data terminal. Yet another girl looks at the data while sipping coffee.]
CELIA Oh, father. Why did you leave me with such heavy responsibilities? What is Genom Electric up to? And why did that dunderhead brother of mine make me decaffenated coffee? [Her brother enters the room.]
WACKY: Big sister?
SILIA Yes?
WACKY: I've called the others. They'll be here any moment.
CILIA Good. Prepare the van.
WACKY: Sure! You feel like taking off your clothes?
SELIA No, why do you ask?
WACKY: Oh, just wondering.
[Cut back to the station. The Buma, having destroyed the sets for Julia Child, MacNeil/Lehrer, and Wall Street Week, is now wreaking havoc on the pledge drive, while the Station Manager scolds the camera.]
DIRECTOR: Now you see the kind of crap we have to put up with! If you tightwads out there would pledge a few bucks, we could afford a real security force! But nooooooooo, that would cut into your budget for Ho-Ho's and cola!
[The back of the studio smashes open, revealing four babes in powered armor.]
SYLIA Knight Foils! We have arrived!
DIRECTOR: Uhhh, tell you what, why don't we listen to a little music and get those phones ringing while I skedaddle my hiney out of here!
[A Musak rendition of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" starts up as the battle begins. The girls attack the Buma with little success.]
LEONARD: Go for the head!
NINNY: Is that, like, the part at the top? [The Buma grabs her and flings her around, knocking phones across the room.] EEEEEEEEEEEE! [The Buma lets go and she crashes into a wall.] Oooooh! I'll show you! [She fires her wrist gun. The kick causes her to lose control and mow down the pledge-helpers.] Oopsie.
PISS: Fock the 'ead! 'ere's only one way to deal with a man 'is size! [She runs toward the Buma.] Balllllllll-KICK!!! [She gives the Buma a super-powered kick in the groin.]
BUMA: [collapsing] Oorg.
CILEA: Now! PILE ON!! [The girls make short work of the Buma.]
DIRECTOR: Thank you! Thank you! Here's a check! Well done!
SILLYA Thank *you* director! [To the camera] That's right, world! Wherever berserk Bumas menace the world, the Knight Foils will be there to stop them!
DIRECTOR: Would you care to make a donation to our pledge drive?
PISS: Fock your pledge drive! Put Doctor Who back on, now!!
[Cut to the office of an evil-looking white haired gentleman. The plaque on his desk reads "Quincy C. Wright, President".]
QUINCY: Knight Foils, eh? Hmm... We may have to deal with this. [He hits a button on an intercom.] Get me Brian Jar Mason. Now.
[Cut to the Knight-Cave, er, I mean, Selia's house. The girls and Wacky lounge around and discuss the situation.]
LEONARD: Well, we made a pretty penny tonight. What was the take? Six million yen?
SELLYA: That's about right. Of course, since we always get paid in checks made out to Knight Foils, that doesn't help much.
WACKY: Hey, I'm working on that! You think it's easy getting a bank account for a bunch of costumed mercenaries?
NINNY: We could show up at the bank in armor.
PISS: Yeah, an' if the fockers won't cash the check, we hold up the bank!
LEONARD: No, Piss. That goes against Knight Foils Rule #1: "Don't do anything stupid."
NINNY: No, that's Rule #4. Rule #1 is "Cover your ass."
LEONARD: I thought that was Rule #6.
PISS: 'ere is no Rule #6.
SLYA I think Genom Electric is up to something.
LEONARD: Like what?
CEELIA I'm not sure.
PISS: Good enough for me! Let's kill 'em!
NINNY: But that violates Rule #7: "No murder without the consent of all members"!
LEONARD: No, that's Rule #5. Rule #7 is "Don't pick your nose in public."
[Leonard and Ninny walk home in the dark.]
NINNY: Thanks for walking me home, Leonard. The streets are all dark and scary and there's never a cop around when you need one.
LEONARD: I thought you *were* a cop.
NINNY: Oh, that's right! I'll protect you instead, then.
[A girl runs up to Leonard.]
GIRL Leonard! Remember me? I was your best friend in High School!
LEONARD: Kathy? Wow! Fancy meeting you!
GIRL Yeah! Well, I gotta go! See ya! [She runs off down the road and is attacked and killed by a Buma.] AARRGH!
LEONARD: Did you hear a scream?
GIRL 2 Ninny? Hi? Remember me? We met at the Police Ball last week.
NINNY: Oh, yeah! How are you doing?
GIRL 2 Oh, pretty good! Well, I'm off! See you later! [She runs off down the road and is attacked and killed by a Buma.] AARRGH!
LEONARD: You know, I think there's a pattern here we're missing. [She talks to her watch.] Wacky? Where's Cilya?
WACKY: She went to her High School reunion.
LEONARD: & NINNY Oh, NO!!!
[Cut to a drive-thru burger joint. Piss drives through on her bike.]
PISS: Oy wanna double cheesburger, fries, and Coke! An' fockin' hurry 'cuz I'm fockin' hungry!
[Piss obtains her burger and eats. She is approached by a plain-clothes policeman.]
POLICEMAN That hair! That mouth! You must be Piss! I'm a big fan of yours!
PISS: Piss off.
POLICEMAN Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Peon, an officer of the Very Determined Police.
PISS: VDPolice, eh? Why should oy care?
PEON Well, I've been very busy lately, fighting crime, beating Buma, opening malls, that sort of thing. I'm a big man on the force. Can I buy you dinner?
PISS: Wha' does this shi' in my mouth look like, moron?
PEON Well, at least let me have your autograph.
PISS: 'Ere's my autograph! [She punches him in the face and drives off.]
PEON She touched me! I'm in heaven!
[Cut to the house where Leonard's reunion is being held. Cellea, Leonard, and Ninny survey the wreckage. The room is filled with corpses, and the girls are the only ones alive.]
SILEEA Oh, it was awful! Every time I talked to someone, a Buma would pop out of nowhere and kill her! All my friends, dead!
LEONARD: How awful!
NINNY: EWWWWW!! There's blood all over the place! YUK!
SELI-UH Now I'll *never* be voted Most Popular!
[Piss comes running in.]
PISS: Oy! I came as fast as I could! 'Ey! Is 'at blood on the floor?! All roight! My kind of party!
SELLEA We can't let this go unanswered. There's only one thing to do.
PISS: Senseless violence, roight?
S'LEE-A This isn't just for me. It's for the entire Knight Foils organization.
PISS: So we're gonna kick their arses, roight?
[Cut to Knight Foils headquarters. Wacky is showing his friends nude pictures of the Knights with a slide projector.]
WACKY: And here's Piss bathing in 10W40!
FRIENDS: Ooooooohhh!
[The door flies open and Celiah enters, causing Wacky to yelp and turn the projector off.]
SELIAH: Wacky! Prepare the van! The Knight Foils are about to strike!
[The girls get into their suits. We get to see Piss naked. Gotta have our quotient of T&A, you know.
The van speeds down the highway. Those nifty crane things lower the Knights' bikes onto the road. Unfortunately, Ninny's bike is loaded backwards, and she wipes out and has to catch up.
The four bikes head for the RCA building in Downtown New York, now owned by GE.]
DOORMAN: Take your bags? WAAH!
[The four bikes crash through the door into the lobby. They switch to humanoid form, ring for an elevator and wait.
Cut to GE Central Control, where Brian Jar Mason oversees the operation. Bumas run past him hurriedly while he toasts the occasion with a glass of sake.]
MASON: Let them come! Together we will celebrate the birth of SuperBuma, the ultimate household appliance! Ha ha ha! [A Buma runs into him and spills his drink all over him.] Asshole!
[Cut to tastefully furnished hallway. The elevator opens and the four Knights and their moto-slaves tiptoe down the hallway.
Four Bumas in intern's uniforms burst into view, sprout swords and attack. The girls go at it but don't have much luck.]
SILEA: We need more room! The quarters are too close here!
NINNY: Quarters? Where?
[Ninny starts to search the carpet. A Buma drop-kicks her down the hall.
Cut to the set of Late Night with David Letterman.]
DAVE: You know, Paul, those GE executives are all a bunch of boneheads! [The battle bursts onto the set, trashing it.] Hey Morty, I thought Stupid Buma Tricks was scheduled for *tomorrow* night!
[Leonard unleashes a devastating volley, but the Buma survives by picking up Paul Shaffer and using him as a shield, much to the delight of the audience. Piss tosses her Buma into the crowd.]
PISS: OY! FREE BUMA!!
[The Buma screams as the audience eagerly tears him to shreds. The Knights bike out of the studio and the remaining three Bumas pursue.
Cut to the roof. Leonard, Piss, and Ninny engage the Bumas while Cillya is thrown off to the side. As she gets up, an armored Mason grabs her and squeezes her helmet.]
MASON: And now, we shall see.... urm.. And now, we shall see... (c'mon, you sunuvabitch, open) And now, we shall see who you are! [The helmet pops open.] Cylia Amana. Just as I expected.
CYLYA: Yes, it's me. I've been fighting ever since you killed my father! All he was trying to do was to invent a toaster that you could really set the darkness on, and you perverted his work into those evil machines!
MASON: Celia, Sylia, Selia. You just don't understand. If the public were to find out that the knobs on their toasters weren't connected to anything, our stock would plummet! He had to die!
PISS: Yeah, well so do you!
[Startled, Mason drops Seelia and whirls around. The other three Knights stand ready for action.]
MASON: You--! How did you defeat my Bumas?
LEONARD: I tossed a copy of Blade Runner over the edge of the building. They went over like lemmings!
NINNY: It's their favorite movie!
MASON: Well, screw it! I don't need Buma's to defeat the likes of you! Not when I'm wearing my Ronco 4-in-1 Mecha Armor! It grinds! [Giant whirling blades come out and attack Piss' armor, damaging it.] It blends! [A huge pair of egg-beaters pops out, grabs Ninny, whirls her around and throws her away.] It juices! [Two big hands pop out and squeeze Leonards armor until it breaks.] It even...MICROWAVES! [A big rod pops out, points itself at Cylea and hums. Suddenly, lightning arcs between Cilya and Mason.] AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Mason collapses and dies, electrocuted.]
LEONARD: What happened?
SYLEA: We are the Knight Foils, Leonard. And as everyone knows, you should never use a microwave on foil.
[Cut to later at the same place. A VDPolice helicopter lands, and Peon hops out. Next to Mason's corpse is signed "Nite Foyls".
Cut to a cemetary. Celiya lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and walks away. Piss lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and walks away. Leonard lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and walks away. Ninny lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and walks away. Seliya lays flowers on a gravestone, wipes a tear and walks away.
Pan back to reveal flowers on half the gravestones, plus a huge pile of flowers to which the Knights walk back to reload. They've got their work cut out for them.]
FIN
