Part Six: Malice in Negaland
SAILOR MOON AIRHEAD
FADE FROM BLACK
A spotlight is on DARIEN who is standing in front of a red curtain with a microphone in his hand. He is addressing an audience of drinkers, gigglers, and hecklers.
DARIEN: <with New York accent> I just broke up with my girlfriend, Serena, and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anybody like me again." And, y'know? It got me thinking: I should hope not.
Audience giggles.
DARIEN: What's the deal? Isn't that why we break up with people? If I don't want you, why would I want somebody just like you? Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, "By the way, do you have a twin?"
Huge laughter and applause as slapping bass guitar is played.
FADE TO BLACK
The Sailor Scouts, in civvies, approach Raye's temple. To their surprise, on the porch sit a beautiful girl and a short guy, BELLDANDY and KEIICHI.
RAYE: Begone, vagrants!
The strange couple are startled by this.
BELLDANDY: I am sorry. I thought--
RAYE: Thought what? You think this is a sanctuary or something?
KEIICHI: But I was kicked outta my dorm!
RAYE: <with fiery eyes, and pointing away from the temple> VAMOOSE!!!
The couple sadly departs.
BELLDANDY: Don't cry, dear. We'll find a place. And when we do, I will serve you some cookies and milk.
KEIICHI: Oh, boy! My favourite!
Later, after DiC cuts out a scene, the Scouts (and LUNA and ARTEMIS) are at Serena's place, in her room.
LITA: We gotta find a way to get Serena back.
AMY: I have a feeling that Serena's Mom is only half-crazy for saying that Darien had entered this room but she never saw him leave.
RAYE is holding the Sailor Moon doll.
RAYE: Serena's parents are so dense. They don't even notice she's missing too. At least Sammy let us have the doll back. <to herself> Eww. crusty...
MINA: I wouldn't mind being the only blonde here.
AMY: <ahem> I believe I have the answer. This mirror is the gateway to another reality--Negaland.
MINA: I knew it! My reflection is actually somebody else looking at me.
RAYE: But how does the mirror do that?
AMY: Not just any regular mirror but an anti-matter singularity known as the Rondel, a gateway to the dimensions, which is an intergalactic region devoid of all stellar activity, and formerly the location of a collapsed 'Q' star--so named because imploding stars emit quad magnetism, the only known 'shield' for anti-matter, although it decays rather rapidly. And...
LITA: Who do you think you are--Doctor Who?
RAYE: Amy, say that in layman's terms.
LITA: And what would you know about laying, huh, Raye?
AMY: Basically, passing through the mirror will convert us into anti-matter so we can fight those Nega-bakas on their own turf.
LUNA: Amy, have you ever been wrong?
AMY: Once. I thought I was wrong but I was wrong to think I was wrong.
LUNA: Are you ready? This will be your biggest challenge yet. Bring back Sailor Moon or you can forget about syndication rights! Transform!
Lots of incesessant shouting, naked bodies, bright lights, and funky music later, the Scouts are in full costume.
The Scouts prepare to leave, holding each others' hands in a large circle. An inexplicable wind (indoors!) playfully blows around their hair. Sailor Moon flops helplessly about the room. Their eyes collectively shut, they have peaceful expressions upon their faces. It looks like a seance.
SCOUTS: <hushed tones> Scout.....power.... ...supercalifragilisticexpialadocious.
Moments later, the apparition of a rather plain looking WOMAN appears.
WOMAN: Looking for me?
SCOUTS: Who???
WOMAN: Forgive me. My name is Eleanor Roosevelt. Is Hilary around?
MERCURY: I am sorry, madam. The Clinton seance is an ocean away.
WOMAN: <toward some unseen presence> See, dear? <back to Scouts> Typical male. My husband Franklin offered me a lift but when he got lost he refused to ask directions.
Male VOICE growls from the ether-plane.
VOICE: If you hadn't spent two hours putting on yer ectoplasm, we'd found the place, no problem. And you had to settle for the see-through blouse...
WOMAN: <to Scouts> He's usually full of high spirits.
VOICE: What? You know I can't drink such stuff--passes right through me. Know what I mean?
WOMAN: Well, I'd be off before he starts foretelling how you'll all die.
JUPITER: Been there. Done that.
In a quick puff, the seance is over and the Scouts are left alone. They try again but as they do so, an anxious ARTEMIS shouts out to Sailor VENUS.
ARTEMIS: Mina-chan!
VENUS: Artemis?
Distracted, VENUS falls over towards the mirror, dragging the other Scouts along with her. In a puff of illogic, they vanish.
ARTEMIS: <sadly> Mina....
LUNA: ???? They better neuter you before something real sick happens.
ARTEMIS: Uh...
LUNA: <shocked> Um, well... I hope the Scouts'll all be right.
Elsewhere, Molly is sitting at a park bench craddling a baby. Melvin, with leather jacket, neary empty beer bottle in hand and cigarette hanging from his mouth, looks like a street tough.
MELVIN: Humnn! The brat's not mine, I tell ya. It's that Teflon man!
MOLLY: Melvin, I don't understand. Why are you so different? And it's not Teflon; it's Neflyte and I wish the child *was* his.
MELVIN: <slaps Molly> Shaddup, you slut. You loved him more than me.
MOLLY: <crying and thinking to herself> Oh, Neflyte. I need you now more than ever.
Suddenly, Neflyte appears and blasts away Melvin.
MELVIN: AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
MELVIN melts into pool of fleshy sludge.
NEFLYTE: Hi, Molly. Sorry to keep you waiting. I had a chat with the Roosevelts and I completely lost track of the time.
MOLLY: Is that really you? How? I saw you die!
NEFLYTE: You see, it was the power of your love, plus the doll bearing my likeness, which was a magnet for my strayed particles all across the universe. My body reformed because of you, Molly.
MOLLY: Yippee! Let's see my friend and play some tennis.
NEFLYTE: I'd love too. Say, you still owe me a chocolate parfait.
MOLLY: <giggle> Is that *really* why you came back?
NEFLYTE: Curses! You saw through my deception. <hearty laugh>
MOLLY: You're such a liar, Nephie, but a *funny* liar. Ha ha ha!
Hiding in a bush nearby, is an agitated Zoycite.
ZOYCITE: Drat! Why does Nephlyte have all the fun and I get stuck endorsing Weatabix??
A father and young daughter pass by ZOYCITE.
Daughter: Daddy, is that a boy or a girl?
Father: Uh. Let me explain about this when you're older, Kirsten...
The Scouts find themselves in a weird, Daly-esque dreamscape, with tendrilled trees and melting clocks and even Van Gogh's Starry Nights for the sky.
Amidst the bizarre setting, a huge pair of golden arches touch the sky like a metallic rainbow.
JUPITER: Aha! I knew it! McDonald's is an evil plot of the Negaverse!
As the Scouts approach the arches they realize that it's in fact a giant door. A plaque by the door-knocker reads: Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.
MARS: Hm. Whoever wrote this was an optimist.
JUPITER: <grabs the door-knocker> ERRRRGHH! ARRRRRRMMPHHHH!!! #$%^*^#@!!!
@#$(*$!! #@$#*&%$@!!!! Won't... budge...!
MERCURY: <blushing> Oh, my! Such blue language.
JUPITER: Yer the blue one here, ya idjit!
MARS: Wait. There's another plaque here, which reads:
A code of secret
You must choose
A word of seven
Three are U's
VENUS: A word?
MERCURY: I'll get on it right away <types furiously on her computer>
JUPITER: Whatever it is, it must be unusual...
There is a thunderous cracking sound as the doors slide open.
VENUS: Aaah!
MERCURY: That's it! The word is 'unusual'.
JUPITER: I know that, but *what* word is unusual?
MERCURY: Unusual! The word is 'unusual'!
JUPITER: Aargh! Get to the point, wiseacre.
VENUS: This sure is confusing.
JUPITER: You can say that again!
VENUS: This sure is confusing.
Sailor MERCURY laughs nervously.
MERCURY: The seven-letter word 'unusual' has three 'u's. You guessed correctly, Jupiter.
JUPITER: See? I be smart too! <jabs Mercury in the chest>
MERCURY: Ow!
JUPITER: Not enough padding? Unlike moi?
VENUS: Get implants. I did!
MARS: But you're fourteen, for chrisakes!
VENUS: When you're a super-hero you have to have a perfect figure.
MERCURY: Implants? I'm sorry about this whole issue, but I think breasts have been blown out of proportion. <pats her chest> I..uh, huh? what's this?
Sailor MERCURY pulls a tape cassette out. Scrawled on its label in nearly illegible paw-writing is the words "To Mina Love Artemis"
MERCURY: Oh yes. Mina, this is for you. Artemis gave it to me earlier but he wanted you to get it after we arrived here.
VENUS: Artemis? Uh, Mercury, could you use your compact computer to play it. I know it conveniently has a cassette playing function on it.
MERCURY: A-all right.
Tape plays. The music is Artemis singing while plucking a 12-string acoustic guitar.
Ode to Sailor V*
Like a song, out of tune and out of time
All I needed was a rhyme for you
Sailor V
Do you give? Do you live from day to day
Is their no song I can play for you
Sailor V
Oh, Sailor V
Oh, Sailor V!
Who knows, who cares for me?
Sailor V
*apologees to Emerson, Lake, and Palmer for ripping off "C'est la Vie"
Sailor VENUS begins to weep, quietly.
VENUS: Oh, Artemis!
MARS: Are you all right?
VENUS: Yeah but Artemis isn't. He hasn't been feeling well lately and, well, it's along story...
A flashback begins. MINA and ARTEMIS are at the Vet. ARTEMIS is standing on the examination table
VET: So, you're finally going to have him neutered?
ARTEMIS: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! <covers his mouth> I mean, MEEEOOOWWWRRRRRRR!!
MINA: No, no. Do you know what might be wrong with him?
The VET says nothing and walks past the table while looking at the white cat. Then he proceeds to walk back past the table, still looking at the cat.
VET: <pulls out a couple of pills> All right. Here, Mina. Give the cat 2 of these.
MINA: That's it? How much, doc?
VET: That'll be $300.
MINA: Three hundred??! For a couple of pills?
VET: Ah, no. It's about $5 for the pills. But it's $295 for the cat-scan.
MINA: So, how is he?
VET: <gives a resigned sigh> FINE.
MINA: That's great news! But why the pills?
VET: No, you do not understand. He has FINE--Feline Immunity and Neurology Erosion.
Back to Negaland.
VENUS: <sobbing> You see, when we get back home again, Artemis may already be dead!
VOICE: When the cats are away, the scouts will play.
MARS: Who?
From beyond the arches, stand four girls dressed in costumes similar to the Sailor Scouts, though rather than sailor suits they are dressed in tartans. One girl, with long white hair and red kilt, moves out from the remaining three and all becomes clear that this Marina, Queen Selenite's advisor.
Elsewhere... Tuxedo MASK slowly regains consciousness and with blurred vision he sees a dark object on top of him.
MASK: Whah? Wha' happen'd?! Ohhh, my head. Hey, what's this garbage bag doing on top of me?
He looks around him. It appears to be an alley cluttered with garbage, old newspapers and the like. Right next to him is a large garbage dumpster.
MASK: Where the hell am I!!?!
Suddenly, he hears a voice yell out.
VOICE: Hey! Keep it down. I'm trying to sleep!
MASK: Who?
He looks around but sees no-one.
VOICE: Yer tresspassing too. So, buzz off!
Tuxedo MASK looks into the dumpster and sees a tattily dressed WINO--a bum. He wears an old suit that would've been fashionable in the 70s. His face sports a long black beard, knotted and tangled and never washed. He lay in the trash with several bottles around him. He is wearing one of those sleeping masks used to keep out sunlight, although he had inexplicably cut out eyeholes thus defeating the purpose of said mask.
MASK: Who are you?
WINO: <startled> Hey! Can't a man have some privacy in his own home?
MASK: You--you live...here??
WINO: Dammit. You should knock first. Don't you know any manners?
The WINO blew his nose into his sleeve, well soiled from regular use.
MASK: <blech!> Listen. Can you tell me where I am?
WINO: <wiping his eyes> Don't you know? Wait...you look familiar.
MASK: I don't think we've ever met...
Without delay, the WINO threw one of his bottles at Tuxedo MASK who, instinctively, countered with a rose which shattered the bottle into fragments. The rose landed with a plunk, planting itself into the nearby ground (presumably to flourish, wh o knows?).
WINO: I knew it.
Before Cape Boy could ask what that was all about, the WINO threw another bottle, but towards the alley wall. One shard of glass rebounded and decapitated the rose.
MASK: Amazing. Well, if you want a fight--
WINO: Wouldn't you rather know who I am?
MASK: I figured we'd get to that sooner or later...but for now let's fight!
WINO: Whoah. You're quick to jump the gun, arent' you? Besides, are you sure you don't want to know who I am?
MASK: A name is not important. Let's fight!
WINO: Listen here...<he puts his hand on Tuxedo Mask's shoulder and whispers in his ear> I know *you* don't care but the reader of this 'fic is getting pretty annoyed about the whole matter. Just ask me an' get it over with.
MASK: <whispers back> How do I know this isn't some kind of trick? Okay, fine. <out loud> Tell me who you are--and then let's fight!
WINO: Um, I forget all ready.
Meanwhile on TV, another installment of Sailor Moon is being broadcast into the homes of innocent people. In today's episode, The Scouts are being trounced by Movie Maker 2000; that is, until...
MARS: Hey, everyone. It's Typical Male!
Jumping out of a Corvette, the guy once known as Tuxedo Mask arrives on the scene.
MALE: Yo, chicks! Are you little girls in desperate need of my assistance?
MOON: <arms crossed> Hmmph! With that attitude, you won't be getting any tonigh--TYAAAAHHHH!!!
Typical MALE pinches Sailor MOON's behind.
MALE: <biting tongue> You've got such a cute butt.
MOVIE-MAKER: Hey! You guys are ignoring the villain again! Helloooo!
Typical MALE looks up and sees the villain.
MALE: Whoah! Um... <looks at his watch> Look at the time! Halftime in the Superbowl is over; I'd better run or I'll miss the game.
JUPITER: But today's tuesday.
MALE: Whoops! Heh heh... Listen--
Typical MALE is lifting up Venus' skirt.
MALE: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
MARS: MAAAARRSSS--SWISS CHALET--CHARBROILED CHICKEN--FLAAAAAME!!!!
The fireball zooms past Typical Male and fries Movie-Maker 2000 who disappears in puff of smoke.
MARS: Shit! I missed!
MALE: Not bad--for a girl! Well, see ya, hot babes!
Typical MALE takes off.
MOON: That's it; escape while you can! We're the Sailor Scouts. And we fight sexism wherever it may roam. Hey girls. Negatrouncing is thirsty work. Why don't we all go out for a beer?
JUPITER: Sorry, Serena. I have to cook dinner for Andrew tonight.
MOON: Raye?
MARS: Yeah, I have to do Grandpa's and Chad's laundry.
MOON: Um, Amy?
MERCURY: I have to go home and practice acting stupid so boys will like me.
MOON: Mina? No, not you too!
VENUS: Sorry. I'm working the late shift at Hooter's.
MOON: Sigh. Guess I'll go on another diet and pine about boys as if that's all life is about.
SAILOR DECREES: Men are pigs. Sure, you may know one who is a nice guy--but he's an exception! All guys think about nothing except violent sports, fast cars, and how big your breasts are. So next time you see a man, kick him in the nuts. It'll do societ y good! Sailor Moon decrees. Or die. <giggle>
Back to Tuxedo MASK and the WINO.
MASK: Wha?
WINO: I'm sorry. All that macho talk about fighting, I just plain forgot. It's been so long since someone asked my name that...wait a sec.
Majestic music and swirling backgrounds galore as the WINO dons his battered top hat and an old bed sheet for a cape. Topping off this pathetic ensemble is a wine bottle in his hand.
WINO: I am HOBO MASK!
MASK: Someone please shoot me.
Appearing from nowhere is a girl with fiery yellow hair, elven features (with pointed ears to match), and wearing a black and red body suit. She is shadowed by a large humanoid mecha.
ICZER ONE: You must join with Iczer-Hobo!
HOBO MASK: Buzz off!
She takes off in search of a whiny teenager instead. HOBO Mask turns toward Tuxedo Mask.
HOBO: There is something important you should know, Tuxedo Mask.
MASK: How do you know who I am?
HOBO: We have much in common, Darien. We exist in parallel worlds.
HOBO Mask removes his own mask and Tuxedo MASK is startled to see his own eyes looking back at him.
MASK: You're me!!!
HOBO: Not quite. M'names Derek.
MASK: But how?
HOBO: Well, it all started way back during the time of the Moon Kingdom, during its final hour.
Images of the final destruction of the Moon Kindom, the Scouts, and worthwhile television.
HOBO: To make a long story short...when Queen Serenity used the Imperium Silver Crystal to banish Empress Metallia and send the defenders of the Moon Kingdom to a new life on Earth, there was a slight accident.
MASK: Don't keep me in suspense. Spill it out, man!
HOBO: I'm not sure what caused it, perhaps a last gasp of Negaverse energy? Or a fault in the crystal itself? But, anyways, the crystal shattered in two and reformed as two completely identical crystals, though one went to Earth and the other stayed in the Negaverse.
MASK: Whoah...I'm speechless...
HOBO: Really? Then shut the bloody well up then!
VOICE: Choice words, chum! And it applies to you too.
HOBO: Selena?
MASK: Serena?
The voice belonged to a girl with long blonde hair tied into 2 excessively long pony-tails. She was wearing a familiar red and blue Sailor suit.
SERENA: Well, well. It's a reunion of 2 cheating boyfriends.
HOBO: Is that you?
MASK: Dammit. I was supposed to ask that!
SERENA: Derek, you scuz.
HOBO: Haven't you punished me enough? Besides, it wasn't like they were *your* donuts!
SERENA: And you, Darien. You came here searching for me, yet you've been screwing around with Amy.
MASK: I never "screwed" <he makes quotation marks with his fingers> her, I "made love" <making another set of quotes> to her.
SERENA: What's the diff? Your feelings appear to be misplaced. Yet your actions to save me show that you still care. Whom do you love?
MASK: But...you can't be Serena. The doll...the...I'm confused.
HOBO: Anyone who isn't confused doesn't understand the situation.
SERENA: I'll give you *one* chance to redeem yourself; however, all the Scouts will die.
MASK: What's the catch?
Cut back to where we left the Sailor Scouts. The Sailor Moon doll is floating helplessly on the back of Sailor MARS.
MARS: Serena! Will you stop flapping about like that--it's really annoying.
The white-haired girl in the red kilt begins introducing herself and the rest of her team.
ARIES: I am Tartan Aries. And this is...
A girl with pale blue hair approaches, wearing a blue tartan. It's Virginia the VIRGO.
VIRGO: Tartan Virgo is my appellative. I am enravished to osculate with your persons.
A tall girl with long, orange hair tied in a pig-tail, wearing a green tartan, approaches.
SAGITTARIUS: Tartan Sagittarius.
Finally, a slender girl with long, flowing black hair, wearing an orange kilt, approaches. The Scouts gasp as they see that this girl has NO FACE.
LIBRA: Tartan Libra. We must rectify this universal unbalance; the scales have tipped towards the Sailor Scouts for far too long.
ARIES: And we are The Doom and Gloom Girls! Oops. I mean, The NegaScouts!! We're cancelling your show so we can take over your world. And we'll get better ratings in America than *you* ever did.
MARS: <surprised> But...
VENUS: But...
JUPITER: But...
MOON: ...
ARIES: Working your but's off? <to the NegaScouts> Ready, girls?
NEGASCOUTS: <shouting in unison> FOREVER PLAID!
MARS: Oh yeah? We'll make 'silence' your mother tongue!
MOON: ...
MARS: No, Serena. The Polkaroo isn't here.
The Scouts and Negascouts charge toward each other.
MERCURY: For the love of Darien, I will incarcerate you!
VIRGO: Your enunciation is excruciating.
MERCURY: MERCURY SURFIN' SAFARI--WIPE OUT!!!
VIRGO: <mutters some elaborate algebraic formula>
A tidal wave of ocean attempts to wash over VIRGO, but instead it engulfs MERCURY.
MERCURY: Glub. Glub. Glub. <thinks> Can't breath!
Sailor MERCURY drowns.
JUPITER: <shocked> Mercury has fallen. How?
VIRGO: I utilized Block Transfer Computation--manipulating reality with sheer mathematics. I merely deviated space to redirect her impugnation.
SAGITTARIUS: And you, Jupiter, should pay attention to your own problems.
SAGITTARIUS punches Sailor Jupiter who goes flying.
JUPITER: <spits out blood> Ow. Your fists are harder than steel.
SAG: I can control mass, so I increase the molecular density of my arms to give them that extra strength. Now I'm going to increase your mass.
JUPITER: Cool! I'll use it to kick yer ass!
SAG: Sorry to burst your bubble, but...
SAG concentrates as JUPITER falls to the ground.
JUPITER: AAAAaaahh!!! I feel heavy. Can't stay up. Can't move.
SAG: See? You're as heavy as a sack of lead. In fact, you have a specific gravity of 11.34, same as lead. Whaddaya know? Instant Sailor paperweight. Of course, at that weight your heart will collapse from the strain.
JUPITER: URK!!!!!
VENUS: All right, Libra. C'mon and face me!
LIBRA: Very funny.
VENUS: VENUS--BLONDE-BIMBO--SHOULDER PAAAAAADS!!!!
A flurry of shoulder pads pelt Tartan LIBRA but she manages to dodge most of them.
LIBRA: Why shoulder pads?
Sailor VENUS shakes her head side to side, hitting each shoulder.
VENUS: <big smile> I dunno!
LIBRA: oooh. I hope you like this...since you will never again stand erect, Venus.
Tartan LIBRA raises her arms and concentrates. VENUS begins to shrivel up and her hair starts to fall out.
LIBRA: I control the flow of decay, the erosion of nature. Your body is accelerating to its inevitable fate--DUST.
MARS: Shit! You'll pay for this!
ARIES: Do you take American Express?
MARS: MARS--SATAN WANTS YOUR SOUL SO GO TO HELL AND GIVE IT TOO HIM RIGHT THIS SECOND--CHAAAAARRRGE!!!!
ARIES: Tsk, tsk. Using fire against me? Big mistake.
Tartan ARIES begins to glow with a fiery white light becoming bright like a magnesium flare.
ARIES: ARIES--NUCLEAR FIRE RAM--BUUUURRRN!!!!
The white flame of nuclear fusion, burning like the sun, forms into a giant fiery ram which engulfs the orange-flamed Mars attack and then continues towards Sailor Mars herself.
There is a giant, white, bubble-shaped nuclear explosion. Y'know, the kind seen in 'Akira'...
SFX: YABBA-DABBA-BOOOOOMMMM!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED...?
