SAILOR MOON AIRHEAD Episode Two: Mangled Manga
Shot of bathtub nearly filled to the brim with splashing water. The tap is not running. Pan up the make-shift trough that is feeding the tub water, past the the sink where the other end of the trough is connected to the overflow; continue from the sink where a gardenhose continues to snake its way out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where the other end of the hose is attached with a funnel which SERENA is crying into.
SERENA: WAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! Everyone hates me!
LUNA: Don't be ridiculous--everyone hasn't met you yet!
SERENA: Being popular is important! <gasp> Otherwise people might not like yooooooowwwWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!
LUNA: You're suffering from paranoia--anyone will tell you.
SERENA: Okay. You're right. <stops crying> It's Darien who hates me! WAAAAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Entering the room are AMY, LITA, MINA, and RAYE, and ARTEMIS.
LITA: Have you tried baby shampoo?
LUNA: What! Why?
LITA: The label says 'No more tears'.
LUNA: Too late for that, I'm afraid. The tears are out of control!
MINA: Maybe we should channel it to a drought-inflicted African country.
LUNA: Don't you think they're suffering enough?
AMY, kneeling beside SERENA who is not so serene, attempts to console her.
AMY: Serena, there's no need to create an eighth ocean. Sublimate your anger towards Darien into constructive energy to be used against the Negaforce.
RAYE: Speaking of which, they've been awfully quiet for, I don't know, three hours? They might be planning something.
ARTEMIS: I'm afraid you could be right. The CIA says that the Negalopolis is planning an invasion!
MINA: But how did you find that out?
ARTEMIS: Easy! It was in this morning's paper.
Newspaper headline: CIA Denies Negaland Invasion Plans
MINA: Of course! If the CIA denies it, it *must* be true!
SCENE CHANGE TO NEGALOPOLIS (SOMETIME EARLIER)
QUEEN Selenite (yes, the one that looks just like Sailor Moon, only her hair is black instead) pats the head of her grovelling servant, FRED who is wearing a Sailor Cancer shirt.
QUEEN: Damn it all to hell! Those Sailor Scuds have thwarted our spearhead into the Posiverse.
FRED: May I suggest that we find a weakness that we can use to our advantage?
QUEEN: What a novel idea! <slaps FRED very hard> But it was *your* stupid plans that always fail. Maybe I should take your idol card collection away from you as punishment.
FRED quakes at the thought of losing his precious collection.
FRED: But if we use *your* weakness for using me as your advisor, then perhaps we can confuse the scouts--and win!!!
QUEEN: Hmm. Intriguing idea. Alright, tell me more.
FRED: You see, my Queen; we'll lead them into our trap by using 'reversed hints'. We suggest that we'll be attacking the Comic Market so the Scouts think we *aren't*.
QUEEN: So?
FRED: If we state our intentions implicitly, they'll suspect that we are lying. Therefore, when we attack the Comic Market, they'll be surprised.
QUEEN: But how do we convince the Scouts to go to the Comic Market when they believe we won't be there since we said we would be?
FRED: We'll also tell them that we *won't* be there, so they'll be really confused.
QUEEN: <sweating> Boy, I'm glad you don't try any of this reverse psychology stuff on me!
CHANGE SCENE TO TOKYO STREETS
The five girls are stumbling through the streets, apparently unable to walk in a straight line. Vomit stains are on their clothes. Except SERENA who for once is not tripping on herself. In fact, it's downright scary!
AMY: <big smile> Hi! My name is Amy!
LITA: I don't want to discuss reverse psychology ever again. I feel so dizzy.
RAYE: Look at Serena. She must be used to it; She's already a dizzy blonde.
MINA: Hey!
AMY: <big smile> Hi! My name is Amy!
SERENA: Raye, save your tongue for Chad. Okay? Besides, poor Amy's brain cracked from the logic overload.
LITA: Maybe this'll help. <bops AMY on the head>
AMY: OWWW!! Oh hi, Lita...
LITA: <relieved> Yer back!
AMY: ...My name is Amy!
RAYE: That does it. I must resort to my secret weapon.
RAYE raises her hand.
RAYE: DISPOSITION NORMALIZER--SLAAAAAAPPP!!!!
RAYE slaps AMY un-silly. SERENA begins to cry.
SERENA: How could you, Raye? I thought you only slapped meEEEEE! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
AMY: Where am I? Oh yeah! Why isn't Luna and Artemis with us?
CUT TO LUNA AND ARTEMIS PASSING AROUND THE CATNIP
ARTEMIS: Oh, this is good shit, man.
LUNA: <in an ecstatic stupor> I am the Queen of England, I am!
CUT BACK...
Everyone begins to feel better as they approach the Comic Market.
MINA is struggling with her pile of manga.
MINA: I want all my Sailor V comics signed by Naoko Takeuchi!
SERENA: Can I borrow one of yours?
MINA: Get your own!
SERENA: If I had my own series I would. <Visions of a Sailor Moon comic float by her dreamy head. Images turn into a SM anime> And maybe my own animated series! Oooh!!!
MINA: There'll be a Sailor V OAV long before they make a series about you.
RAYE: Sailor Moon cartoon? Can you imagine? <starts to sing>
"Whining about evil in moonlight
Pining for love in daylight
Always running from--"
SERENA: Raye, you're such a ravin' lunatic!
RAYE: Leave my pets out of this!
AMY: Quiet, you two. Deep down inside us, we know we all love each other.
Everyone stops and looks at AMY.
AMY: <blushing> I didn't mean it that way!
SCENE SWITCH TO INSIDE THE COMIC MARKET
LITA: Lita like comics--like pretty pictures.
AMY: Let's split up and investigate the scene.
RAYE: But why? Isn't that a cliched plot device that always gets the heroes into trouble?
AMY: Exactly! Since they will expect us to split up we confuse them bymmmmphhh--!!
MINA: <putting hand over AMY's mouth> Oh no, we're not letting you get into *that* again!
Everyone goes off leaving SERENA behind.
SERENA: Sniff. Who died and made Amy leader?
SERENA is approached by Sailor MOLLY and Tuxedo MELVIN
MOLLY: Glad you could make it.
SERENA: Hey Molly! What on Earth are you dressed like that for?
MOLLY: Don'cha know? We can all dress up as our favourite characters.
SERENA: <excited> then you must be Sailor Moon!
MOLLY: That twit? No, I'm Sailor Mercury. She's the smartest (and should be leader) and Melvin likes it when I dress like her.
MELVIN: <drool> Yeah, because she is so...*smart*!
MOLLY: <to MELVIN> I love your costume--it's so kinky! <giggle>
MELVIN: Hey, Serena! You should've dressed as Sailor Mars; you look kinda like her...
SERENA: What? That slap happy jerk? That impotent, conceited, obscene, hairy-butted, brainless, wicked, goatish, indecent, stable-smelling, hunchbacked, thick-lipped, stinking, turnip-shaped, feeble-minded, pimply, trashy, repellent, foul-mouthed, greasy, gluttonous, loathsome, woodenheaded, whining, extremely low form of life?
MOLLY & MELVIN each have a giant sweat drop on the back of their heads. They begin to walk away.
SERENA: Wait. <now grinning> Did you say I *look* like Sailor Mars?
MOLLY & MELVIN ignore SERENA as they walk away.
MELVIN: <to MOLLY> Come over to my place tonight so I can show you how to finger your account.
MOLLY: You'll be wearing that costume tonight I hope. <giggle>
SERENA notices that DARIEN is standing at a stall, buying a couple of books to add to the pile he already has under his arm.
DARIEN: Yes, the latest Wedding Peach--oh, and Nurse Angel Lilika.
SERENA: Darien!
DARIEN: Whoops! <blushing> Serena! What a, ah, surprise!
SERENA: Darien, what are you doing in the shojo (girl's) manga section?
SERENA grabs Darien's doujinshi of Sailor Moon Vs. the Overfiend.
SERENA: O My God!!! How could you read this? <tears streaming>
Dramatic music builds to a mighty crescendo as SERENA flips through the comic.
SERENA: The guy can't draw me worth beans!
At a nearby stall, an evil-looking man is trying to sell doujinshi to a couple of reluctant girls dressed as Sailor Scouts.
MAN: It's called Ramen 1/2, about a boy who, when splashed with boiling water, turns into instant noodles.
GIRL1: Pee-yuu!! That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
GIRL2: Oh yeah. Dumb as in stupid.
The girls walk away laughing.
MAN: <shouting at them> And you think a whiny girl with some magic cat saving the universe is better? Huh? I dare you to come up with something better! <mutters to himself> This really sucks. Tons of kids are dressed as Sailor Scouts but none are for real. Fred, I thought this was going to be a simple job. This is worth more than two beers!
VOICE: A guy who turns into ramen? How cute!
MAN: <still muttering to himself> Waiting and waiting, and nobody appreciates the work I do. I should just blow up this place, go home, watch Hello Kitty, and ma--
Evil MAN looks up when he realizes someone else is there. It's MINA.
MAN: Wha? You mean, you *like* it?
MINA: Well, it's rather two-dimensional but I'll read anything if the boys are cute.
MAN: Really? In the next issue I'm planning to introduce another cute guy but he's really evil 'cause he loves to eat noodles and that of course is a problem--wait! <thinking> Must not forget why I'm here...
MINA: Sir? Something wrong? Why do you keep spacing out?
The evil MAN looks at MINA, a strange glow emminating from her body is visible to him.
MAN: <thinking> A strange glow is emminating from her body, and I'm feeling an increase in energy. Could this be--?
MINA: I'm flattered that you admire my chest, but could please stop staring at it?
MAN: <thinking> --love? No! I mean--a Sailor Scout? <now yelling> Alright, the charade is now over!
MAN's body distorts and transforms into what looks like a large human sized book with arms and legs (use your imagination; I'm not paid enough to come up with this stuff, alright?)
MAN: I... AM... ENCHIRIDION!!!!!!
MINA: Oh please.
ENCHIRIDION: Okay, Scouts. Come out, come out, wherever you are!
On cue, Sailors MOON, MARS, MERCURY and JUPITER appear.
MOON: I am Sailor Moon. I fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way...
MARS: Serena, you cunt! You like being Americanized, don't you?
MOON: Uh... I fight for Food, Sleep, and Handsome Men. In the name of Harlequin Romances, I'll punish you!
ENCHIRIDION: I'm writing a book. It's called: How to kill a Sailor Scout in 5 easy lessons.
MOON: Sorry, leather face. Didn't you know all hate literature gets bad reviews?
ENCHIRIDION: <whacking MOON> Ha! Everybody's a critic.
JUPITER: Sailor Jupiter mad!! Smash bookman into pulp!! GRRR!!!
ENCHIRIDION: Sailor scab! You may speak volumes but you are still at the grade 5 reading level!
JUPITER takes off her gloves and flies toward menace.
JUPITER: Oh yeah? I had fried chicken for lunch and didn't wash my hands.
ENCHIRIDION: <look of horror> Grease stains! Keep away! IIIIEEEEE!!!
ENCHIRIDION swats away JUPITER, nearly flying into MERCURY who jumps away only to bump right into the demon. Suddenly, MERCURY hugs ENCHIRIDION and begins to purr.
MERCURY: <hearts in her eyes> I like going to bed with a good book. Mmmm. Can I feel your recto?
MOON: But it's a bad book! Bad! Real bad! It's more than 100 pages!
Sailor MOON runs toward the demon but her pace slackens.
MOON: Oh, books make me sleepy. Yawn.
Sailor MOON keels over, snoring loudly.
VENUS: The noise! How does Luna put up with it?
MERCURY: <still dreamy> Oh! Is that a book mark, or are you happy to see me?
MARS: Okay, while that opuscule is distracted, I'm gonna call upon the Fiery Phoenix a la Gatchaman--and burn him to ash!
VENUS: Not when Mercury is beside him, you might accidently ruin her beautiful haircut.
MERCURY: <kissing his prologue> Oh My! For a comic, you're pretty thick!
ENCHIRIDION: You're not so bright yerself, girl.
MERCURY: <snaps out of her trance> You apogenous, bovaristic, coprolalial, dasypygal, excerebrose, facinorous, gnathonic, hircine, ithyphallic, jumentous, kyphotic, labrose, mephitic, napiform, oligophrenial, papuliferous, quisquilian, rebarbative, saponaceous, thersitical, unguinous, ventripotent, wlatsome, xylocephalous, yirning zoophyte--* You messed with my mind and I cannot forgive you for that! MERCURY BU--
*this is essential the same insult that Serena gave earlier.
A rabbit-like creature with eight leg scurries across, tripping ENCHIRIDION. Seconds later, SKULD chases after it with her mallet high in the air.
SKULD: 'Scuse me! Pardon me! 'Scuse me!
MOON: <still dreaming> ...um...Raye dead?...where's...party?...
<waking up> Darn, it was only a dream. <sigh>
MERCURY: Okay! Now that he's down <looking at MOON> Crack his binding.
SAILOR MOON reaches for her tiara.
MOON: Moon Tiara--Frisbee!!!
ENCHIRIDION blows into hurricane of confetti.
MOON: That's all she wrote!
MERCURY: And let that tome be a tomb for *all* men who try to manipulate a girl's heart by by-passing her greatest weapon-- --her brain!
MARS: <to herself> And I thought it was our legs that made the men dance to our tune. Oh well...
MOON: When did you become such a feminist, Mercury?
TUXEDO MASK arrives, looking disappointed.
MASK: <thinking> Damn! I'm foiled in my attempt to prove that women need a man to protect them.
MASK: <to MERCURY> You were superb in that battle.
MERCURY: <beaming> I bet you say that to everyone who's superb.
VENUS: Say, you've never really explained why you always show up to give us a hand.
MASK: <sweating> Well, uh... I, ah... <in dramatic tone> I have lost friends, some by death... others by sheer inability to cross the street. I don't want anymore of my friends to die bloody, painful deaths.
MOON: <floating> Oooh! That's so romantic!
MASK: I must go now. <turning to leave, thinks> This sailor suit fetish of mine will be the death of me.
JUPITER: So Merc, you hate guys now or what?
MERCURY: <looking at the departing Tuxedo Mask> I'm willing to make an exception... <in Valley Girl voice> What a hunk!!!
-- THE END --
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What's wrong with Amy? Will she and Tuxedo Mask elope, creating a time paradox too confusing to speculate? Why does Queen Selenite want to invade Earth? Is she fighting copyright infringement or just plain bored? And who is this Hobo Mask? Whoops! You won't meet him until Episode 5. Is Nephlite planning a dramatic return? Is Serena always on time?
Stay tuned for the next dramatic episode when we learn why Sailor Moon truly is an Air Head!
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