NO MERE AIRHEAD - A tribute to Sailor Moon
It's evening. Serena, with hearts for eyes, floats in the air down the neighbourhood, confusing a few passing birds. In her pathway are Molly and Melvin, both are necking on a bench but stop in embarrassment when they see her.
MOLLY: <pretending nothing is going with her & Melvin> Hi Serena!
MELVIN: Yeah, *high* Serena! Ha ha. She's really high.
Serena is now floating past them, oblivious to her surroundings.
SERENA: Oh, love is like war: once you start it's hard to stop! <giggle>
MOLLY: <grabbing the dreamer's ankle and dragging her to terra firma> Serena!
SERENA: <abruptly dropped from her trance but still slightly dazed> Huh, what?
The trio are now standing in a circle.
MOLLY: What's the matter?
MELVIN: Yeah! Are you breathing helium to lose weight again?
SERENA: No, no. Darien invited me over to his place to cook dinner for him.
MOLLY: That's wonderful, Serena. <poking her elbow into Serena's ribs> Watch out--He's finally making his move.
MELVIN: Maybe he's just to lazy to cook his own dinner.
SERENA: Gimme a break, dim-twat. My Darien's not that kind of guy.
MELVIN: I hate to burst your bubble but he's just using you. You need a real man like me who'd cook something special for you. <looks at Molly then back to Serena> Say, why don't we go for a menage-a-trois?
SERENA: <visions of French desserts abound> Mm! Sounds yummy, but I gotta run. See ya!
Melvin drops a few coins onto the ground near Molly.
MELVIN: Oops! Heh heh.
MOLLY: <shouting to a trail-blazing Serena> Bye! And avoid using a white tablecloth for the dinner 'cause it will remind him of sheets and stir his lust!
Melvin, on the ground picking up coins, looks up Molly's dress. Blushing, Molly laughs.
MOLLY: Oh, Melvin! You're so funny! Ha ha!
Cut to Darien's apartment.
SERENA: This is way cool! You and I, alone with no-one here to bother us 'cause there's nobody else here...
DARIEN: <thinking> (I don't get it. Why'd I invite the little moonchkin up here? I feel like such a perv.)
Serena is busy making dinner. She accidently drops a large roasting pan onto the floor, causing a loud crash. Serena collapses to the floor and begins to wail.
SERENA: WAAAAAUGHHHHHHH!
Nearly slipping and breaking his neck on the lake of tears, Darien rushes to her side.
DARIEN: Are you hurt?
SERENA: Whah! <gasp> No! <gasp> Waaaah!
DARIEN: Then what?
SERENA: If we were married and had a baby... <gasp> and our baby was sitting where the pan fell--he would've been killed! Whaaauughh!
DARIEN: <slaps Serena a few times> You loon, is there anybody dumber than you?
SERENA: <looks to camera> Uh, people who watch this show?
Serena has calmed down now as Darien looks into her eyes.
DARIEN: Serena, I really care for you. I'll look after you and you'll never have to cry again. <thinks> (Besides, I wanna get laid.)
SERENA: Oh, Darien! <visions of flowers blooming about her> Say you love me and you'll stay with me forever!
Serena daydreams about being at a fancy dress ball but snaps out when Darien yells into her ear.
DARIEN: Ground Control to Major Ditz... Listen, continue the dinner while I run to the drugstore.
SERENA: But why? I've got all the ingredients I need.
DARIEN: <embarrassed> Well, it's for, I mean if we actually have... y'know!
SERENA: Huh?
DARIEN: Dammit, Meatball-breasts! If we have SEX!
SERENA: Eww! I love you, Darien, but I wouldn't do something so gross. Yick!
DARIEN: <rolls his eyes> I give up.
Cut to the Negalopolis, a dark cavern in a foreign dimension. A girl in a sailor suit with black (instead of blue & red) trim sits on her throne. Her hair is also black with long, bunny-ear like ponytails. She has a very evil grin. Next to her is her loyal servant, Fred.
FRED: Queen Selenite, the NegaBoomBoom plan is almost ready.
SELENITE: Have you been successful in forming the spearhead?
FRED: Yes, our ad was published in yesterday's classifieds--and we already got a hundred responses!
SELENITE: I see. And who will be the one to carry it out?
FRED: A free-lance videographer from Detroit.
SELENITE: Excellent! Those screeching Scouts will be forever erased from the archives, and then we'll be off to Disneyland! Ha ha haaaaa!
Early morning at Raye's temple. Four Scouts (minus the terminally late Serena) in civilian guise are present. Luna has just arrived, looking up at the sky to witness an ominous portent.
LUNA: Red sky in morning. Sailors, take warning!
AMY: What is it, Luna?
ARTEMIS: We'll be facing our most dangerous threat ever!
LITA: The Negaverse is at it again. Sailor Jupiter Smash!!!
LUNA: No, no. It's DIC!
RAYE: It's about time we had a showdown with them. I want to be able to slap Serena as much as I like.
The Serena dust-cloud approaches.
MINA: Speak of the wolf, and you see her tail.
SERENA: <whine> Oh for the love of GOD, why are our meetings so early?
AMY: Because even when responsible for saving the universe, you cannot skip an hour of school.
LUNA: Time's a-wastin', Scouts! Transform!
[lengthy transformation sequence cut for reasons of space]
SERENA: Could we stop for ice cream first?
SD girl with long black hair and a polo mallet in hand pops up from the bottom of screen
Skuld: Did somebody say 'ice cream?'
Suddenly, out of nowhere without any logical explanation, a large red humanoid with videocamera shaped arms and a large viewfinder for a head appears.
MASTER: I am Movie Maker 2000! In the name of Negalopolis, I will kill you!
MOON: I am Sailor Moon: In the name of the Moon, I will puni--OOOF!
Sailor Moon is whacked by villain.
MASTER: I'm making a movie of you all. Unfortunately for you it's a snuff film! Ha haha hahaha ha!
JUPITER: Mars, sing a song. That might stop him!
MARS: Who the hell do you think I am? Minmei?
JUPITER: You're such a Satanist!
MARS: Tree-Hugger!
Movie Master switches Mars from NTSC to PAL television standards and back again; the resulting shock knocks her out.
LUNA: It's a shame about Raye.
MASTER: Now, Silly Moon. I'm going to change your voice actress!
MOON: What? Not again!
MASTER: It's too bad there are only 5 sailors at this point, <he licks his lips and begins to drool> I was really looking forward to Uranus!
MOON: I won't 'moon' for you, creep!
The scouts stand in formation to defend their leader.
MASTER: You can't stop me, Sailor Sluts. Cut to camera one!
Venus is blasted away.
MASTER: C'est la vie, Sailor V! Ha haa! Cut to camera two!
Jupiter is blasted away.
MOON: Somebody press pause in his VCR!
MASTER: Let's see how you handle my Rack Focus Effect!
Movie Master rotates his lens so everything goes out of focus.
VENUS: I can't see!
JUPITER: Everything's blurry.
MERCURY: I know what to do. Mars, use your flame power.
MARS: Mars Flame Ignite!
MASTER: Aargh! I'm getting lens flare!
MOON: We can see again. How?
MERCURY: A trick I learned in Photography class: the more light there is, the greater the range of focus, called depth of field. With very bright light its nearly impossible for your photos to be out of focus.
MOON: <Duh> Hunh?
MASTER: Tough luck. That does it! I'll destroy you with cheap video tape--Tape Eject Attack!
Ribbons of (Wal-Mart brand) black magnetic tape spews from his mouth and wraps up Sailor Moon. She is whacked to the ground and Movie Master proceeds to trample her body.
MASTER: Ha Ha. Look at me do the Moon Walk!
MOON: Is this... the end?
Rose shoots across.
MASTER: Who?
It's Tuxedo Mask!
TUXEDO: I'm here to pre-empt your broadcast, slime!
MASTER: I'm still going to edit you all down to size [to fit more commercials of course!]
TUXEDO: No you won't. I'm going to video insert you back to the negaverse!
MASTER: <charges toward Tuxedo Mask> You've been a thorn in my side too long, prick!
MERCURY: Mercury freeze blast!
MASTER: My lens is all fogged up!
TUXEDO: That's right. Stand by to fade to black, DIC-Head.
Tuxedo Mask gives his best Jim Morrison punch.
MASTER: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
His lens smashed, Movie Master blinks out like shut off TV set. Tuxedo Mask turns to leave but is accosted by Sailor Moon.
TUXEDO: I thought long and hard last night and I realized this: I must stay away from you, Victoria--I mean Serena.
MOON: But why? Is it because you fear something terrible will happen?
TUXEDO: Yes, and the police wouldn't be too happy either. So long, JAILBAIT!
Tuxedo Mask disappears into the night. Sailor Moon is on her knees as tears begin to form in her eyes. In the near distance, celebratory chatter can be heard.
VENUS: Alright, Mercury! You did great!
MERCURY: Really, it was nothing.
JUPITER: Amy, you should be leader since you are the smartest one here.
Sailors Venus and Mars nod in agreement.
MARS: And look, the baby's at it again. Someone get a pacifier!
MOON: Everybody hates me! Waaaaaauuughhhhhh!!!!!
END
Sailor Sez:
"When setting your VCR to tape Sailor Moon, always remember to have the tape cued at least a minute after the previous episode, otherwise you might tape over these important Public Service Announcements. Better yet, have your younger brother who is most assuredly a wiz at this sort of thing to do it for you. Forget your parents: they couldn't set a watch. Sailor Moon says. <giggle>
