DnA 5-13: More fun for beginning Meyhem Mongers
By Lord Patch
It's that time again, kiddes (Yes Paz, I'm under deadline, BARELY!). To start off, I'd like to say I'm PISSED! Mt damned car nearly blew up tonight. Do not fret, this was not part of some nefarious plot to get your's truly, it was just a worn-out timing belt. But still, I'm PISSED! Actually, that probably means I'm going to write a better article (if I can ever figure this damned program out!@#$), though I would like to keep it short this time. Well, covered alot of ground last time, but there are a few things I left out (got to keep you coming back for more!), so let's jump right in.
First off, I'd like to cover a few common house-hold items you might have laying around the house, things like:
Key chains: Many key chains make EXCELLENT self-defense items. My good friend Mortis has one that he got from a store in a mall. It's in the shape of the Beast (From Beauty and the Beast), and fits excellently in the hand, with it's sharp little gotee right between the middle and index fingers. That is going to do ALOT of damage to someone when used properly!! There was also one made a while back in the shape of a cat. When both fingers are inserted in the eye-sockets, the ears fit perfectly on the outsides of the first and second fingers. It's made of lightweight aluminium, and retails for about 5.00 to 8.00, find one!
The old "self-defense" model key chain with the spikes is no longer in production, and I believe might be illegal here in California, but there are still a few of them floating around gun-shows and whatnot, you might give some consideration to finding one of those for light-weight, easy to carry defense.
Never discount a good, HEAVY ring of keys as defense. You usually have them at hand (or in pocket), and some people even carry them on a short length of chain. Maces and Morning-Stars have been effective weapons for hundreds of years, never discount history! Basically, and good, heavily weighted object, or group of keys makes a good self-defense tool, give it some thought.
Tools: Many tools found around the house make EXCELLENT self-defense items. Hammers are GREAT, though a bit hard to explain when you have one in your back pocket or backpack (I know from experience). You might be able to keep one in your car, but even that is a bit risky. Screw-drivers are okay (preferred by muggers on New York subways from what I hear. Can anyone say Bernard Getts?), but just like with knives, you may actually have to kill someone when using it, and that's a NASTY way to go! Also, having a sharpened screwdriver in your possession is an AUTOMATIC trip to jail, be careful! Other things, like heavy files, levels, and other sundry hardware items are good, though hard to explain (Carry a hard-hat in your backpack, and they won't give you a second look). A final note on tools; Many times, people will carry a few tools to use for defense (or, Lord forbid, to actually BUILD something), and have spent the night in jail for possessing "burgler's tools", so watch out with tools.
Towels: All Hitchhikker's jokes aside, the towel IS useful for many things: You can put something heavy in it, and use it like a sap, You can throw it at an attacker and run, You can wet it and use it like a club, or you can dry-off with it (if it doesn't have TOO many blood stains on it). Use your imagination, you can come up with ALOT of uses for something like this.
Newspapers and Magazines: I wouldn't stake my LIFE one something like this, but in many cases, having a rolled-up newspaper or magazine can be quite comforting. You CAN hit someone hard enough stop them cold with a rolled-up magazine, and just THINK about the possibility of pelting someone with a Sunday addition of the Los Angeles Times! These things I would only recommend this if you had NOTHING else at hand, you're taking a BIG risk here.
Bike Locks: I'm talking about those big, heavy locks that are supposedly un-breakable/pick proof. They are sturdy, heavy, and do ALOT of damage. When used properly, they can be swung like a police batan. And if you ride a bike, you have the PERFECT excuse! They're a bit awkward to get used to, but once you do, look out!
Cool thing to get this time: Extendable Batans! That's right you can find them, mostly at gun-shows and whatnot. They are basically a metal tube with a telescoping stick inside (very similar to what Case used in the beginning of Neuromancer). The one I own actually has a hard steel spring inside, which gives it alot of hitting power. Most are very small when retracted, about six inches or so, and extend to about a foot and a half. You can even get ones that are spring loaded! But those are very illegal as well!
Well, that's about it for this time around, I told you I was going to keep it short. If you have any questions, or want to contribute something for my next article, or would like to know about a particular subject, let me know. Email me at DNA Systems here in California. I'd love to hear from you, just to let me know how I'm doing (and to stoke my over-stuffed ego). That's about all I got for this time, hope to hear from everyone soon.
I would like to thank a few people: Vandal and Briteyes (my loving wife),
Until then, this is your Uncle Patch, signing off....
-Lord Patch
Disclaimer: All tatics and ideas published in this article may not be the responsibility of the Author and Publisher of this magazine, and we are NOT responsibility for anything you little psychopaths do with all this information. blah...blah...blah, I know you've heard all this before, but we have to do it.
