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The Game Review Issue 60
.x#$$#x.
`:$$$$:' The Game Review!
.x%#$$$$$$#%x. .x#$$$$#x. .x#$$$#x.
`""""$$$$""""' .S$$$$$$$$S.$$$$$$$$$Ss
$$$$.sS$Ss.$$$$ $$$$$`$$$$ $$$$$ *************
$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$',$$$$ *ESTABLISHED*
$$$$$$$$$$$ """"`$$$$ $$$$$$ ****1995*****
$$$$$$$$$ sS$Ss."$$$ $$$$$$ pn
`-------------- $$$$$$$$$$$ ------------'
$$$$$$$$'`
~VOTED #1 SCENE MAG/REVIEW BY INTERNET USERS~ (a while ago)
~TGR IS PROUD TO BE THE LONGEST RUNNING WEEKLY SCENE MAG/REVIEW, EVER!~
~~CELEBRATING OVER *3* YEARS IN THE SCENE~~
.a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$a.
$$' . `$$' `$$ ' `$$' s `$$' s `$$
$' $ $$ $ $$ a a $$ $ $$ $ $$ ISSUE #60
$ $ssss$$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $ssss$$
$ o o$ $$ $ $ $$ sssss$$ssss. $$ 08/02/98
$. $ $$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $ $$
$$. $ ,$$ $ $$ $ $ $$. $ ,$$. $ ,$$
`$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$&@%o%@&hd'
"All the games that are fit to print...and some that aren't."
Un-Realistic: "I have never played a game I didn't like." -Stupid Idiot
Realistic : "This game sucks!" -Ionizer
____________
News Updates
============
-Another summer, another TGR comes to a close. Yes it's almost that time
again. Time for TGR to go into hibernation. I'll be leaving soon for a
trip and by the time I get back, there will be about one week before I go
back to school. I doubt that I will have time to do this during the semest-
er, but hey there's always a chance. So most likely, look forward to TGR
appearing again next summer, this time from the very start! (May, '99)
-Wow, Issue #60, it seems like just last week we were only on Issue #59.
============================================
HOW TO GET THIS MAGAZINE ON A REGULAR BASIS:
============================================
TGR is released on Sundays, at approximately 8pm (EST). It can be obtained
in 2 different ways. The first method obviously being the easiest and best:
*****************
***NEW ADDRESS*** WWW.THEGAMEREVIEW.COM
***************** *OR*
#1 TGR Web Page: http://www.monmouth.com/~jionin
-------------------------------
(Over 92,000 Served) (Note: Contains all issues and gets them first)
#2 Through irc, you can dcc from me the newest issue only, simply type:
/msg ionizer xdcc send #1
- * - * - * - * - *
* - * - * - * - * -
GAME REVIEWS, RATINGS, UN-BIASED OPINIONS, HELP/TIPS FOR INSTALLING GAMES!
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
-Rating scale:
(0-19)/100 = In a nutshell, it sucked!
(20-39)/100 = Still crap but slightly better.
(40-49)/100 = Possibly worth downloading.
(50-69)/100 = Pretty decent game. Might want to check it out.
(70-79)/100 = Worth the download if you like that type.
(80-89)/100 = Very good, 9 outta 10 its worth the download.
(90-99)/100 = Excellent game, a MUST download.
100/100 = HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BETTER GAME!
RATINGS are based on the game idea, graphics, sound, playability, ingenuity,
versatility, and a lot of other words ending in `ity'. These games are based
on what happens on MY COMPUTER ONLY, unless stated otherwise. I always first
follow .nfo directions, and if those don't work or are not available, I then
try other ways. So just b/c it doesn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't
work for you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-<*><*> THE GAME REVIEW (c) Ionizer <*><*>-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
=======================================================
Ace of Spades Anime version 1.0 (c) LiveBai 1998 [XX/1]
<Extremele large FLUX diz removed>
=======================================================
-Filename: ACESPADES.ZIP
Ok, I know what you're thinking, he just said he wasn't going to review any
more card games. Well the reason I'm reviewing this is b/c it deals with
every American's favorite topic, PORNO! You play either blackjack or poker
and you have to win like 10 games or something, and then the girl starts
stripping. I kept losing, but I got to see her anyway <although it had the
opening of the cunt censored> and she had cum all over her by the time the
game was over, even though I got my ass kicked. I played again and saw the
same chick. It's in chinese too btw, but you can figure it all out.
RATING: 49/100
Montezuma's Return (c) Utopa Technolgies [xx/52]
______ /| ___ /\______ /\______
/ \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1
/ |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9
< | < / | / | \/ | \ 9
\ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8
+=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+
-Filenames: CLSMNT??.ZIP
Well this game was out before, but this is the STORE FINAL. And has level
improvements and such, and now 3dfx! Anyway, take some Mexican water and
an American and put the two together and you got this game! Err, no, really
it's a doom style game with very good graphics, but less fighting and more
puzzles. Also has some new stuff, like floating carpets, ropes to climb,
lotsa bouncing off stuff, ability to fling off ropes like a gymnast. The
control of your character is also relative to the kind of surface and level-
ing of it, which is a nice real effect, but it makes it kinda hard too. You
fight using your fist and kicking, which kinda makes the game annoying cuz
you want to just blow the bad guys up with a machine gun, but all you have is
a fist and some boots. Nice game, well designed and put together, but I
doubt it will do well. Get it if you really want a shoot-em-up minus the
shooting and addition of puzzles.
RATING: 68/100
GRADUATION (c) MIXX GAMES [XX/74]
⁄ƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒø
flflflfl€€‹ flflflfl€€€ flflflfl€€€ ∞ ∞±≤ ∞±≤ ∞±≤ ∞±≤
∞±≤ €€€ ∞±≤ flflfl ∞±≤ flflfl ± ±≤€ ±≤€ ±≤€ ±≤€
±≤€fl€€‹ ±≤€flfl ±≤€fl ∞±≤ ‹‹‹ € ≤€€ ‹€€fl≤€‹
≤€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ≤€€ ±≤€ €€€ € €€€ €€€ €€€
€€€ flflfl flflflflflflfl flflfl flflflflflflfl flflflflfl flflfl €€€
flflflflflflflflflflflfl flfl fl[07/27/98]fl flfl flflflflflflflflflflfl
¿sL!<sac>ƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒŸ
-Filenames: RLXGRA??.ZIP
Hahahaha. Well this certainly is a clever little game. It's every 40 year
old man's perverted dream. To teach a bunch of sexy hot high school girls
class. You have 5 kids, all with different personalities, who you have to
teach class to and make sure the stay happy, smart, healthy, etc. It's all
done in Anime, but unfortunately I did not find any pornography. The closest
to that comes with the fact that you can end up marrying one of the students.
Basically you gotta get them into good universities. I mean if the objective
was to be a pervert and get them to fuck you, I woulda found this more inter-
esting, but otherwise it's just a usual sim in an unusual setting. Nice
ingenuity though, but not too exciting.
RATING: 55/100
Urban Assault FINAL (c) Microsoft [xx/24]
______ /| ___ /\______ /\______
/ \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1
/ |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9
< | < / | / | \/ | \ 9
\ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8
+=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+
-Filenames: CLSUAF??.ZIP
Well, I fucked up last week. No wait, I didn't `fuck up' I just took it for
it's face value. Last week the release by Heritage was only the final beta,
and this is the final store version. No noticeable differences in the play,
but I'm sure it has some bugs and what not fixed, so here is last week's
review from Issue #59: Also, please see the Game of the Week section.
"Very very nice. A nice game of batteling with tanks and other big machines
in attempts to succeed in the mission. You can basically blow up all the
buildings by shooting them enough, although the scenery was kinda bland. It
still was a nice game, and you can kinda control your units as a whole or
jump into one of them and play from a 1st person perspective. This name
sounds like it was out a long time ago, but I don't remember playing it.
Nice game, well put together, but the voice telling you what to do in the
game can be kinda annoying. A good grab considering the way it's been
lately.
RATING: 78/100"
_|_| _| _| _|_| _|_|
_| _| _|_|_| _| _| _| _| _| _|
_|_|_|_| _|_| _| _|_|_| _|_|
_| _| _|_| _| _| _| _|
_| _| _|_|_| _| _|_|_| _|_|
Tanarus.v1.0.2-iND [xx/20]
-Filenames: TANUS??.ZIP
I'm going to have to believe that this tank game is still in beta or some-
thing. It's like Urban Assault, but nowhere near as good. First off, they
FORCE you to go through this training before you play that is more tediously
slow and boring then listening to your grandparents try to tell you a story.
Secondly, even when you try to follow the on-screen commands, they don't even
work! "Right click so and so" Uhhh gee, I did, nothing is happening and
your dumb ass highness isn't letting me do anything else and so now I'm
stuck like a shmuck. The graphics are pretty blah, although it's weird, the
sky looked really cool, the buildings average, but you start out on this
absolutely PLAIN as hell red "mat" like thing. I wouldn't waste your time
nor your computers time with this one.
RATING: 41/100
========================================
Pamela Anderson Exposed [xx/50] Templarz
========================================
-Filenames: TMPPAM??.ZIP
Well, this was supposed to be some kinda shoot em up game like Mad Dog Macree
but it turned out to be nothing more than an 11 meg intro for me to jack off
for. Cuz once the game part was supposed to come on, it just made my pc's
internal speaker buzz a lot, which was quite annoying at 5am. So about the
only thing this is worth is a ticket to see a 1 minute video containing like
3 second clips of Pamela's pussy and Tommy Lee's cock (which I did not think
was impressively big, like they said it was in the media). Enjoy whacking.
RATING: 19/100
ADDED: Well after deleting the game I discovered there was a fix put out for
it. However I'm not going to get this all over again. Oh well, that
will teach the group to get it right the first time then. I'm sure
the rest of you are not going to miss out anyhow.
===========================
Ring Out, Lesbian Wrestling
===========================
-Filenames: <unknown, got in pieces>
BE SURE TO CLEAN THIS GAME OF THE WIN95.CIH.#### VIRUS FIRST!!!
Hey this game suits the saying perfectly: "Sometimes you feel like a nut,
sometimes you don't!" Shooooo, I'm sure damn tired after playing this game.
Well it's not really a game. It kinda plays along in the sense of an Anime
cartoon, but you pick certain things to do or say, but it doesn't matter cuz
you gotta pick them all anyway. The storyline is you're a hot 18 y.o. chink
who gets taken away from her parents as repayment for a loan and you have to
wrestle chicks in a ring and they fuck and suck and eat each other out.
Explicit graphics, so make sure mommy and daddy aren't around. I fucking
jerked off like 11 times while playing this one, it just got me all hard and
stuff. And damn after playing this, and seeing the .avi in Pamela Anderon,
MY FUCKING NUTS ARE GOING TO KILL ME TOMMOROW. I'm going to be walking like
an old man and have no hair! Anyway I played out the whole "cartoon" in
about 30 minutes, but I held down space bar for a lot of it, just so I could
see more nude anime. Very graphic. Rating is based mostly on originality and
nudity, game play is basically non-existent.
RATING: 62/100
Formula 1 Championship Edition [01/72]
/\______ /\______ ____/\______ __
\____ \/ \__ \/ _ \____ \ __/ \____
/ _/ _/ \/ / / / _/ _// / / / / /
/ \ \ /\ / /\ / / \ \/ /\ / / /
\__/\ \/RTX______\___/\__/\ \/ / /_/_/
=====\___)===\__)============\___)=\/=======
-Filenames: F1CE-??.ZIP
This is an outright dupe of Class from a while back.
RATING: NA/100
PLAY THIS, PLAY THAT: AIR HOCKEY (C) PATCH [xx/35]
⁄ƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒø
flflflfl€€‹ flflflfl€€€ flflflfl€€€ ∞ ∞±≤ ∞±≤ ∞±≤ ∞±≤
∞±≤ €€€ ∞±≤ flflfl ∞±≤ flflfl ± ±≤€ ±≤€ ±≤€ ±≤€
±≤€fl€€‹ ±≤€flfl ±≤€fl ∞±≤ ‹‹‹ € ≤€€ ‹€€fl≤€‹
≤€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ≤€€ ±≤€ €€€ € €€€ €€€ €€€
€€€ flflfl flflflflflflfl flflfl flflflflflflfl flflflflfl flflfl €€€
flflflflflflflflflflflfl flfl fl[07/31/98]fl flfl flflflflflflflflflflfl
¿sL!<sac>ƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒŸ
-Filenames: RLXPTP??.ZIP
You know why it has the name it has? Because if the game didn't ORDER you to
play, you never would want to. This is a collection of 6 games, air hockey,
hangman (called walk the plank), memory (0o0o0o0o), that triangle game you
can play in Friendly's, uh what else, skeet shooting (joy, just like at
Chuck'e'Cheeses), and uh a game where you shoot stuff in a saloon (like at
Great Adventure and stuff) and Odd Man Out (which I don't even remember what
it was even though I played it 30 seconds ago). As you can tell I was quite
entertained by this extraor....Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...Oh sorry, um yeah.
Basically unless you desire one of these games, go ahead. The air hockey
was the best air hockey I've ever seen, which says absolutely nothing for it
though. It was very easy to win though. Ok I have to go have some caffeine
now after playing this game. Oh yeah, and would you ever name your SOFTWARE
company "patch"? Not saying much for your company then.
RATING: 51/100
Warlords III: Darklords Rising (c) Red Orb [xx/20]
______ /| ___ /\______ /\______
/ \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1
/ |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9
< | < / | / | \/ | \ 9
\ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8
+=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+
-Filenames: CLSWDR??.ZIP
This is an old fashioned turn based strategy, it seems the geeks couldn't
get enough of the other Warlords III, so rather than put an addon, they put
the game out again with some changes. I found it quite boring. I guess if
you have no life and your only form of entertainment is to play with your
food at the dinner table, then this game will seem neato spiffy keen! The
graphics allow for 1024X which was cool, if you like to play the game with a
microscope to see what all the millions of different buttons and choices say.
The sound was plain, no music. However it is small in size. The end.
RATING: 65/100
⁄= W == a === r === r === i === o === r ===ø
| |
| CHEWY - ESCAPE FROM F5 |
| (c) PlayByte, 1998 [XX/49] |
| A WARRIOR Release, 08-01-98 |
| |
¿= R == e === l === e === a === s === e ===Ÿ
-Filenames: WARCHW??.ZIP
*Munch*...*Munch*...hmph, this game is chewy, but it sure doesn't taste too
good. In fact it tastes horrible. The game seemed to be working all good
but once it started with the actual playing, the mouse disappeared and I
couldn't do shit. It worked fine for the menus. I booted up into dos and
well that wasn't much help. So enjoy this adventure game which consists of
you staring at the same opening part, or you could get it for the credits.
RATING: NA/100
Redneck Deer Huntin (c) Interplay [XX/15]
⁄ƒƒƒ €€€ ‹‹‹ ‹‹‹ ∞±≤ ‹‹‹ flflflfl€€‹ flflflfl€€‹ø
≥ ‹€‹€€€ flflfl €€€ ±≤€ flflfl ≤±∞ €€€ ∞±≤ ≤€€≥
≥€€€ ≤€€ ≤±∞ €€≤ ≤€€ ∞±≤ €≤± ≤€€ ±≤€flflfl ≥
:€€≤ ±≤€ €≤± €€≤ €€€ ±≤€ €€≤ ≤€€ ≤€€ ∞±≤:
≥€€≤ ∞±≤ €€≤ €€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ±≤€≥
≥fl€€‹‹‹‹‹€€€ fl€‹€fl €€€ €€€ €€€ €€€‹≤€fl≥
¿sL!(sac)ƒƒƒƒƒƒ <07.31.98> ƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒŸ
-Filenames: DVNHNT??.ZIP
Well from the makers of Redneck Rampage comes an all time favorite of hicks,
hunting. Now I managed to kill only one fucking deer in playing this game
for 20 minutes. So if that's your idea of fun, walking around and waiting
until you find a deer to shoot, and being able to see him from 100 ft away
and taking a wild guess with your shot, cuz if you get any closer they run
away, then by all means get this. Also if your neck is RED then you might
like this too. But those of us with blue, yellow, and turquoise necks, stay
away, there is no fun to be found in deer hunting land. Gfx are same as they
were in Redneck Rampage, engine is basically the same thing. Oh and there is
only 4 different places that you can hunt in, kinda weak.
RATING: 41/100
Gubble 2 (c) Actual Entertainment [xx/56]
‹€€fl€€‹ fi€‹ €‹
fi€€› fi€€› fl flfl flfl flflflflfi€≤›≤€flflfl flflfl fl fl
fi€€› fi€€›€€‹fl€fl€€‹fl€€‹fi€flfi€≤›‹ fi€fl€€‹fl‹€€‹
fi€€›‹€€fl fi≤€›› €€≤ fi€€›› fi€€›€€ › fi€€›€ €€›
fi€€› ‹€€fl‹€€›› ‹‹‹fl‹€€› fi€€›€€› fi€€›€ fi€€
fi€€›fi€€› fi€≤››fi€€› fi€≤›› fi€≤›€≤›› fi€≤›€ fi€≤
fi€€› fl€€‹€fl€›€‹fl€€‹€fl€›€‹€€fl‹€€›€‹fi€≤›fl €€≤
-Filenames: PDMGUB??.ZIP ‹‹‹ fi€€›-bd!
fl€€€‹€€€
flflflflfl
This is basically a really childish platform game, that I guess you're suppo-
sed to have to think in, but it didn't require much thinking for me, b/c I'm
"smaurt" and "intel-uh-gint". I'd seriously gives this an age reccomendation
of about 7-10 years old. You're this dorky alien guy who roams around on
3D platforms that you see from a cross b/t eagles eye view and side view, and
you have to get ontop of screwdrives and remove the screws on each level.
Nice crips graphics, sound and music all there, but it's just quite repet-
itive and boring, but give it to your new born bastard son.
RATING: 57/100
Sentinel Returns (c) Psygnosis [xx/13]
__ ______ ______ ____ _____ ____ _____
\// _ \ _ \_\__/ _ \_\__/_\_ \
/ / / / /. / / / / / /
\______/ \____|_/\___ /___/___/ /
--------|___|---------/____\------/____\--
Origin - Origin - Origin - Origin
--------------------------------------wk!-
-Filenames: OGN-SR??.ZIP
BE SURE TO CLEAN THIS GAME OF THE WIN95.CIH.#### VIRUS FIRST!!!
Well the nfo said this was somewhat like King of the Hill. And that's what
it appeared to be at first, but then I tried to do stuff, like move for exam-
ple and I was dumbfounded. I mean I set the keys up and everything, but I
just couldn't figure out how or what to do in this game. I was able to look
around at the nice polygon shaped scenery and hear the sound in the back-
ground but all I could do was hit H for hyperspace. So if you can figure out
how or what to do in this game, good for you, you fucking genius, cuz I could
not. However if it is like king of the hill, and there's actually a way to
move up those mountains, then it could possibly be a decent game, although
the scenery is kinda bland.
RATING: 59/100
RATING: 77/100 <estimated if you can figure it out>
Motocross Madness (c) Microsoft [xx/71]
‹€€fl€€‹ fi€‹ €‹
fi€€› fi€€› fl flfl flfl flflflflfi€≤›≤€flflfl flflfl fl fl
fi€€› fi€€›€€‹fl€fl€€‹fl€€‹fi€flfi€≤›‹ fi€fl€€‹fl‹€€‹
fi€€›‹€€fl fi≤€›› €€≤ fi€€›› fi€€›€€ › fi€€›€ €€›
fi€€› ‹€€fl‹€€›› ‹‹‹fl‹€€› fi€€›€€› fi€€›€ fi€€
fi€€›fi€€› fi€≤››fi€€› fi€≤›› fi€≤›€≤›› fi€≤›€ fi€≤
fi€€› fl€€‹€fl€›€‹fl€€‹€fl€›€‹€€fl‹€€›€‹fi€≤›fl €€≤
-Filenames: PDMMM??.ZIP ‹‹‹ fi€€›-bd!
fl€€€‹€€€
flflflflfl
Damn this is a good game! Take Moto Racer, and combine it with the ability
to do all kinds of tricks and manuevers in perfect environment to do it and
that's what you got here. This game is a kick ass bike game. The graphics
are great, the realism of the bikes and how you land and turn and all that
is excellent. This is a must get for almost all gaming fans. This one will
keep you busy for a while, actually more than a while. I haven't even begun
to try out all the stuff in this, and it will definitely be a keeper. Worth
the 71 disks, and even worth mentioning that there is a 40 disk addon for
more tracks. Get it.
RATING: 88/100
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> THE GAME OF THE WEEK <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-First off, Heritage gets stripped of GOTW for last week and instead GOTW for
LAST WEEK is given to CLASS for URBAN ASSAULT (FINAL). Heritage's was
confirmed to be a beta.
-Ok, now for this week's GOTW and the last one to be given out this summer of
1998 goes to PARADIGM for their beautiful release of MOTOCROSS MADNESS.
Easy choice for winner, excellent game. Congratulations.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> CORRECTIONS <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Not really a correction, but just to mention, MAX2 is meant to be played as
a turn based strategy and that's how it was originally developed. Thanks to
[SiNNeR] for this information.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS MAGAZINE IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER, CONDONES THE PIRATING, STEALING, OR ANY
OTHER ILLEGAL MEANS OF OBTAINING SOFTWARE. I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR
YOUR ACTIONS AS A RESULT OF READING THIS MAGAZINE, NOR HAVE I DONE ANYTHING
ILLEGAL TO OBTAIN THE REVIEWED GAMES. IF YOU LIKE HOW THE REVIEW OF A GAME
SOUNDS THEN BY ALL MEANS PURCHASE IT AND SUPPORT THE SOFTWARE COMPANY.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> CLOSINGS <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-The summer is almost over (for me), time to get back to doing work at school
and stop playing games (muahahaha never!). Hope you enjoyed this special
summer season of TGR, look forward to coming back again next summer, or
who knows, maybe sooner. Please keep informed about TGR by visiting the
web page every so often, as it will be updated occasionally.
-Ionizer [THE GAME REVIEWer]
Comments/Complaints send to jionin@monmouth.com (NO GAME REQUESTS)
.a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$a.
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`$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$hd'
Copyright 1995,1996,1997,1998 Ionizer Inc. #167A939
