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The Game Review Issue 59
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`:$$$$:' The Game Review!
.x%#$$$$$$#%x. .x#$$$$#x. .x#$$$#x.
`""""$$$$""""' .S$$$$$$$$S.$$$$$$$$$Ss
$$$$.sS$Ss.$$$$ $$$$$`$$$$ $$$$$ *************
$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$',$$$$ *ESTABLISHED*
$$$$$$$$$$$ """"`$$$$ $$$$$$ ****1995*****
$$$$$$$$$ sS$Ss."$$$ $$$$$$ pn
`-------------- $$$$$$$$$$$ ------------'
$$$$$$$$'`
~VOTED #1 SCENE MAG/REVIEW BY INTERNET USERS~ (a while ago)
~TGR IS PROUD TO BE THE LONGEST RUNNING WEEKLY SCENE MAG/REVIEW, EVER!~
~~CELEBRATING OVER *3* YEARS IN THE SCENE~~
.a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$a.
$$' . `$$' `$$ ' `$$' s `$$' s `$$
$' $ $$ $ $$ a a $$ $ $$ $ $$ ISSUE #59
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$ o o$ $$ $ $ $$ sssss$$ssss. $$ 07/26/98
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`$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$&@%o%@&hd'
"All the games that are fit to print...and some that aren't."
Un-Realistic: "I have never played a game I didn't like." -Stupid Idiot
Realistic : "This game sucks!" -Ionizer
____________
News Updates
============
-Today in the news, the US Capitols building had gunsho...oh shit that's my
other job, er I mean, my uh....hm. No new news at the moment, but everyone
should go see MAFIA (if you liked the movie Airplane) it's absolutely non-
stop hilarious, and I don't say that often.
-If I don't offend you in the reviews, please see the closing section and
maybe I will be able to do it there.
============================================
HOW TO GET THIS MAGAZINE ON A REGULAR BASIS:
============================================
TGR is released on Sundays, at approximately 8pm (EST). It can be obtained
in 2 different ways. The first method obviously being the easiest and best:
*****************
***NEW ADDRESS*** WWW.THEGAMEREVIEW.COM
***************** *OR*
#1 TGR Web Page: http://www.monmouth.com/~jionin
-------------------------------
(Over 89,000 Served) (Note: Contains all issues and gets them first)
#2 Through irc, you can dcc from me the newest issue only, simply type:
/msg ionizer xdcc send #1
- * - * - * - * - *
* - * - * - * - * -
GAME REVIEWS, RATINGS, UN-BIASED OPINIONS, HELP/TIPS FOR INSTALLING GAMES!
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
-Rating scale:
(0-19)/100 = In a nutshell, it sucked!
(20-39)/100 = Still crap but slightly better.
(40-49)/100 = Possibly worth downloading.
(50-69)/100 = Pretty decent game. Might want to check it out.
(70-79)/100 = Worth the download if you like that type.
(80-89)/100 = Very good, 9 outta 10 its worth the download.
(90-99)/100 = Excellent game, a MUST download.
100/100 = HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BETTER GAME!
RATINGS are based on the game idea, graphics, sound, playability, ingenuity,
versatility, and a lot of other words ending in `ity'. These games are based
on what happens on MY COMPUTER ONLY, unless stated otherwise. I always first
follow .nfo directions, and if those don't work or are not available, I then
try other ways. So just b/c it doesn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't
work for you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-<*><*> THE GAME REVIEW (c) Ionizer <*><*>-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Street Fighter Alpha (c) Virgin <--\ [xx/09]
‹€€fl€€‹ fi€‹ €‹ \------------ (Not after I'm done w/ it)
fi€€› fi€€› fl flfl flfl flflflflfi€≤›≤€flflfl flflfl fl fl
fi€€› fi€€›€€‹fl€fl€€‹fl€€‹fi€flfi€≤›‹ fi€fl€€‹fl‹€€‹
fi€€›‹€€fl fi≤€›› €€≤ fi€€›› fi€€›€€ › fi€€›€ €€›
fi€€› ‹€€fl‹€€›› ‹‹‹fl‹€€› fi€€›€€› fi€€›€ fi€€
fi€€›fi€€› fi€≤››fi€€› fi€≤›› fi€≤›€≤›› fi€≤›€ fi€≤
fi€€› fl€€‹€fl€›€‹fl€€‹€fl€›€‹€€fl‹€€›€‹fi€≤›fl €€≤
‹‹‹ fi€€›-bd!
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-Filenames: PDMSFA?.ZIP
Street Fighter is back, yet again, and still they haven't really improved or
changed anything. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I play one of the SF
series beat em ups, they seem to run very low FPS. I mean there's absolutely
no reason why, but they always do. It's a bunch of cartoons fighting, in 2D!
I mean I get better FPS in MK4. Well you all know what this is, so I don't
think explaining it is needed. I have no idea what the "Alpha" version is
but it didn't seem much different than the last one (Update: This game is the
same as the game "Street Fighter Zero" released a while ago. Be sure to get
the fix if you want this old game.
RATING: 63/100
MAX 2 (c) INTERPLAY [xx/71]
flflflfl€‹flflflfl€‹flflflfl€€ ≤€ €€ ≤€ flflfl€‹ ‹€fl€€flflfl ‹€
:≤€‹€fl ≤€ €€ ≤€ fl €€‹€fl €€ ≤€ €€ fl€‹‹ ≤€‹€€
|€€ €≤ €€fl€€ €€ ‹ €€ €€ €€ €€fl€€ ‹‹ €€ €€ €€
≥€€‹€fl €€ €≤ fl€‹€€ €€ €≤ fl€‹‹‹ €≤ ≤€‹€fl €€ €≤
¿ƒƒƒƒ[ RELEASE DATE: 07/16/1998 ]ƒƒƒƒƒroyƒƒƒƒ
-Filenames: BLHMX2??.ZIP
Ok, take your usually RTS clone and then subtract anything that makes sounds
and anything that would make it somewhat entertaining and that's what you
have left here. This is what we call a "RAPE". Sure you can download ano-
ther 50 disks for the sound addon and this and that. But by then, you might
as well get the ISO and then you need a CD-r and so on and so on, so you
might as well buy it, but since it sucks and isn't so great don't bother.
I don't reccomend getting this at all, it's no different than any other real
time strategy and it takes up way too much space. Fuck this.
RATING: 57/100
Sierra Sports Fantasy Sports Pro
(c) Sierra Sports/FSPI [xx/18]
______ /| ___ /\______ /\______
/ \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1
/ |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9
< | < / | / | \/ | \ 9
\ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8
+=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+
-Filenames: CLSFSP??.ZIP
Hi, I'm not really a game. I just manage your fantasy league with your
make believe friends, who still make fun of you for having a fantasy league.
Unless you have a league and making good $ off of it, then you're a loser.
So loser, I reccomend you get this, it's got a hockey, baseball, basketball,
and uh football of course. Just basically helps manage, why the hell am I
even reviewing this. Has updates that allow you to get new roster stuff off
the net. Rating is a reflection in comparison to other fantasy managers.
RATING: 67/100
CYBERBALL (c) ARENA GAMES [xx/37]
‹€€fl€€‹ fi€‹ €‹
fi€€› fi€€› fl flfl flfl flflflflfi€≤›≤€flflfl flflfl fl fl
fi€€› fi€€›€€‹fl€fl€€‹fl€€‹fi€flfi€≤›‹ fi€fl€€‹fl‹€€‹
fi€€›‹€€fl fi≤€›› €€≤ fi€€›› fi€€›€€ › fi€€›€ €€›
fi€€› ‹€€fl‹€€›› ‹‹‹fl‹€€› fi€€›€€› fi€€›€ fi€€
fi€€›fi€€› fi€≤››fi€€› fi€≤›› fi€≤›€≤›› fi€≤›€ fi€≤
fi€€› fl€€‹€fl€›€‹fl€€‹€fl€›€‹€€fl‹€€›€‹fi€≤›fl €€≤
‹‹‹ fi€€›-bd!
fl€€€‹€€€
flflflflfl
-Filenames: PDMCBR??.ZIP
Well pinball games are kinda hard to mess up, but sometimes they just don't
feel right. And this one doesn't feel right. Sure it's got nice animation
before the tables come up and it looks cool and there's like 50 million
flippers for each table, but the way it scrolls and the fact that it's made
for DOS, doesn't help. You're better off with the old school pinball games,
cuz this one ain't so hot. Only has 4 tables, like most, and they are more
of a wide screen table then length wise. Switch b/t an assortment of res's
that enable you to not scroll at all, but have a really small looking table.
The ball just didn't seem to bounce the way it should and you can adjust all
kinds of stuff, but it should be set to feel like real pinball from the
beginning. If you're desperate for a pinball game, go ahead, or if you feel
that the Mexican whose been cutting your lawn is doing a good job, maybe you
could give him this.
RATING: 54/100
.:. Teknorage and Pirasoft! Present .:.
⁄]:.:[ INSERT STUPID CARD GAME NAME ]:.:[ø
≥ÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕ≥
€€€€€ flflflflflfl€flfl€‹ flflflflflfl€flfl‹ flflflflfl€€fl€‹
€€€€€flflfl flfl€€€ €€€‹€ €€€€€ €€€‹€ €€€ €€€‹€
€∞∞∞€ €€€€€ €∞€fl€∞∞€‹ €∞∞∞€ €∞∞∞€ €€€‹‹‹‹‹
€±±±€ €±±±€ €±€ €±±±€ €±±±€‹€±±€fl ‹‹‹ €±±€€
fl€€≤€‹€≤€€fl‹€≤€ €≤≤≤€ €≤≤≤€ flflfl fl€€≤€‹€≤€€fl
≥Õ flflflflfl flflflflfl flflflflfl flflflflfl ÕÕÕÕÕÕ flflflflfl ≥
¿]:.:[ Released on 07/23/98 -01/01- ]:.:[Ÿ
-Filenames: Too many to worth mentioning.whocares
This group released a bunch of crappy card/board games, and there was no way
I was going to review them all and sound repetively boring, so here is just
a list of the shit they put out: Big8 Solitaire V5.0, Botz V3.0, Acey Ducey
BackGammon V3.0, Total Recall V3.0, Dominion V3.0, Internet Board Games For
Two V1.0, Pennys Arcade V3.0, Pro BackGammon V3.0, GameChest V3.0, All Amer-
ican Gin Rummy V3.0, and Dominoes Deluxe V3.0. If I missed any, no one cares
so OH WELL. Rating based on the fact that they are all similar and so I
tried one and stuff.
RATING: 33/100 <each>
Double stars virtual slots 1.0
fl‹ fl‹ ‹flflfl‹ ‹flflfl‹ ‹flflfl‹ ‹flflfl‹
€ € € € € ‹€ €‹ €
€ € € € € fl‹‹‹fl € ‹flflfl€‹
€ € € € € € € €‹ €
‹€fl €fl fl‹‹‹‹fl fl‹‹‹‹fl ‹ ‹fl flflflfl
--[Warez Courierz Crew]-flflflfl-[xx/02]-
-Filenames: WCCDS-?.ZIP
What a stubborn fucking slot game. I played $100 worth and I didn't win once
until I was down to my last 3 dollars, and then I got 3 Triple bars, and won
$150. Annoying sound and just gay. Give it to grandma and tell her to stop
fucking throwing away your College tuition and will money at Las Vegas.
RATING: 36/100
============================================
[Championship Chinese Checkers v2.5] [01/01]
<ENORMOUS DIZ REMOVED>
[07/24/98]
============================================
-Filename: ISDCCC25.ZIP
<Singing>: Me chinese, me play joke, me take American game then sniff some
coke. Me chinese, me not original, I try to copy all white people.
Yeah it's chinese checkers, the fucking chinks trying to take our shit and
fuck around with our game and make it there own game. And then they'll go
and give you some bullshit about how "ou, ou'hr an-cestuh pleah' gem' back'
in day'. De' belief dat it remove' evuhl spiri'" Bah, anyway, chinese check
ers is a lot different then regular checkers, see when you jump a guy, you
get a free bowl of rice, and if you DOUBLE jump them you get LO-MEIN. And
if you triple jump them, you get beef'n'broccoli and a young 15 y.o. chinese
prostitute whose parents sold her to the chink-pimp. But don't worry, cuz
chinese people are a dime a dozen. (Oh boy, I can't wait for the mail I'm
going to get from this one! Laf, I only kid, don't take shit seriously.)
RATING: 46/100
.˙ Urban Assualt (c) Microsoft xx/xx]˙.
˙. [07/16/98] .˙
: .__ .____ :
|__l \._____.___\__/___ /^\__ /\___ .____ |
l | \ _ l \__/ l__ \ \l _ \|
l : | __/.:__| \ __/ | \ -- | __/l
l _. | \ | | | \/\ _ | . | \
l__: |____/__\|___|_ /_:__|--: |\____/
||||___/:::::::˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙\_/˙˙˙:/_____/|[war]|
|:˙|-| HERiTAGE 1998 PROUDLY PRESENTS |-|˙:|
|||||||::::::::˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙˙::::::::|||||||
-Filenames: HTGUA??.ZIP
Very very nice. A nice game of batteling with tanks and other big machines
in attempts to succeed in the mission. You can basically blow up all the
buildings by shooting them enough, although the scenery was kinda bland. It
still was a nice game, and you can kinda control your units as a whole or
jump into one of them and play from a 1st person perspective. This name
sounds like it was out a long time ago, but I don't remember playing it.
Nice game, well put together, but the voice telling you what to do in the
game can be kinda annoying. A good grab considering the way it's been
lately.
RATING: 78/100
===================================
APOLLO 18 (c) Project 2 Interactive
[XX/52]
===================================
-Filenames: APLO18??.ZIP
Well after removing the Win95.CIH virus from this game from two .exe's and
then having to copy 6 megs of .dll and .ocx files I was quite pissed already.
Then I got to play the so called "game" to find out it's more of a tutorial/
quiz on Space and the Apollo itself. Don't waste your time, and to the ind
releaser, stop wasting mine, no one wants this. The only surprise about this
game was that it didn't blow up like all those NASA products.
RATING: 44/100
Ares Rising (c) Imagine Studios [xx/24]
‹€€fl€€‹ fi€‹ €‹
fi€€› fi€€› fl flfl flfl flflflflfi€≤›≤€flflfl flflfl fl fl
fi€€› fi€€›€€‹fl€fl€€‹fl€€‹fi€flfi€≤›‹ fi€fl€€‹fl‹€€‹
fi€€›‹€€fl fi≤€›› €€≤ fi€€›› fi€€›€€ › fi€€›€ €€›
fi€€› ‹€€fl‹€€›› ‹‹‹fl‹€€› fi€€›€€› fi€€›€ fi€€
fi€€›fi€€› fi€≤››fi€€› fi€≤›› fi€≤›€≤›› fi€≤›€ fi€≤
fi€€› fl€€‹€fl€›€‹fl€€‹€fl€›€‹€€fl‹€€›€‹fi€≤›fl €€≤
-Filenames: PDMARE??.ZIP ‹‹‹ fi€€›-bd!
fl€€€‹€€€
flflflflfl
A basic yet complicated space sim game. Graphics (as with most space sims
consists of little white dots and the occasional planet or asteroid or guys
from Armaggeddon. I had a lot of trouble controlling my space-craft, and so
I didn't even wanna play too much. Just basic missions and stuff, you can
also walk around the main hub place, blah blah, I think I'd have more fun
playing go fish with my grandma then to bother trying to play this.
RATING: 63/100
==============================
<ENORMOUSLY LARGE DIZ REMOVED>
BombGolf v1.1 [01/01]
==============================
-Filenames: FTBMGF11.ZIP
Well I'm sure I've played this one before, but I couldn't find the name.
It's the usual game of "there was nothing better to do on a friday night so
we went and played miniature golf like a bunch of shmucks". There is a
little midget guy who pushes the ball as your "id" of how strong to hit it
and the direction. Pretty boring courses, just block obstacles, no fancy 3D
stuff. Boring, but small, you'd know if you wanted it or not.
RATING: 47/100
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> THE GAME OF THE WEEK <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Not a lot put out this week or past 2 weeks for that matter. This week's
winner is an obvious choice, congrats to HERITAGE for their release of
URBAN ASSAULT, which compared to all the crap from this week, looks like
such good stuff.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> CORRECTIONS <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-"Ouy yah, vedy vedy good, no cou-rection" say chink man.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS MAGAZINE IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER, CONDONES THE PIRATING, STEALING, OR ANY
OTHER ILLEGAL MEANS OF OBTAINING SOFTWARE. I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR
YOUR ACTIONS AS A RESULT OF READING THIS MAGAZINE, NOR HAVE I DONE ANYTHING
ILLEGAL TO OBTAIN THE REVIEWED GAMES. IF YOU LIKE HOW THE REVIEW OF A GAME
SOUNDS THEN BY ALL MEANS PURCHASE IT AND SUPPORT THE SOFTWARE COMPANY.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> CLOSINGS <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Pretending to be Jerry Springer>
-Another week of TGR, another closing, today we learned that even trailer
park trash are people...hmmm...you know what? No they're not, they are
the scum of the world. I guess what we really learned is that there are
some ppl who just don't deserve to be treated like people. Such as niggers,
chinks who live in America and can't speak english, dumb Arabs who work at
gas stations, and yes, trailer park trash. Until next time, take care,
I look forward to all your hate mail.
-Ionizer [THE GAME REVIEWer]
Comments/Complaints send to jionin@monmouth.com (NO GAME REQUESTS)
.a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$a.
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`$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$hd'
Copyright 1995,1996,1997,1998 Ionizer Inc. #167A939
