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The Game Review Issue 54
.x#$$#x.
`:$$$$:' The Game Review!
.x%#$$$$$$#%x. .x#$$$$#x. .x#$$$#x.
`""""$$$$""""' .S$$$$$$$$S.$$$$$$$$$Ss
$$$$.sS$Ss.$$$$ $$$$$`$$$$ $$$$$ *************
$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$',$$$$ *ESTABLISHED*
$$$$$$$$$$$ """"`$$$$ $$$$$$ ****1995*****
$$$$$$$$$ sS$Ss."$$$ $$$$$$ pn
`-------------- $$$$$$$$$$$ ------------'
$$$$$$$$'`
~VOTED #1 SCENE MAG/REVIEW BY INTERNET USERS~ (a while ago)
~TGR IS PROUD TO BE THE LONGEST RUNNING WEEKLY SCENE MAG/REVIEW, EVER!~
~~CELEBRATING OVER *3* YEARS IN THE SCENE~~
.a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&$$$$$a.
$$' . `$$' `$$ ' `$$' s `$$' s `$$
$' $ $$ $ $$ a a $$ $ $$ $ $$ ISSUE #54
$ $ssss$$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $ssss$$
$ o o$ $$ $ $ $$ sssss$$ssss. $$ 06/14/98
$. $ $$ $ $$ $ $ $$ $ $$ $ $$
$$. $ ,$$ $ $$ $ $ $$. $ ,$$. $ ,$$
`$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$&@%o%@&hd'
"All the games that are fit to print...and some that aren't."
Un-Realistic: "I have never played a game I didn't like." -Stupid Idiot
Realistic : "This game sucks!" -Ionizer
____________
News Updates
============
-NEW PARODY THIS WEEK, RIGHT UNDER THE NEWS SECTION!
-I've been informed that Path0s is a little too busy to be doing TGR right
now. He is currently looking for a new house and so we wish him good luck
in his search, he will be back eventually. So I'm all alone for now.
-Little ever changes in TGR world, our reviews never will, but our format
might. We've had to let go to the "OTHER RELEASES" section due to the
following reasons. (1) Nowadays almost every game has either a movie/sound
addon or a trainer, and it was kinda stupid to just list a huge diz and then
the filename. (2) Don't you hate when you say "the following reasons" and
then realize you really only have one, well I do.
*********************************PARODY**************************************
*********************************PARODY**************************************
*********************************PARODY**************************************
"A Whole New Scene" (Parody of Disney's "A Whole New World" from Aladdin)
Written by, idea by, created by: Ionizer (THE GAME REVIEWer)
Note: Some parts of the singing overlap and the original songs speeds up in
certain areas towards the end, which makes it hard to read w/o the
music. If you go to the web page, you can listen to the music w/ this.
============================================================================
IONIZER: I can show you the scene,
games, utils, and little sleeping.
Tell me newbie, now when did you last
go on A-O-L?
I can get you connected,
Show you how to have fun,
Unzip, unace, and then run
On your brand new pentium!
A whole new scene!
A bunch of newbies constantly entering,
No one to see your face,
or laugh cuz your a disgrage,
Or say your a computer nerd.
NEWBIE: A whole new scene!
A confusing world of ISP's
But when I'm connected,
I'm not rejected.
And now I'm in a whole new scene with you!
IONIZER: <grumbling> Now I'm in a whole new scene with you!
NEWBIE: Unbelievable size,
a 75 disk game.
Unzip, unace and run,
but I'm still referred to as lame!
NEWBIE: A whole new Scene!
(IONIZER: Don't you dare try to join.)
NEWBIE: A site with 20 gig hard drives.
(IONIZER: Don't you people have any lives?)
NEWBIE: I'm like a little kid,
in a candy store,
and when I get warez all I want is more more more.
NEWBIE: A whole new scene!
(IONIZER: Every release now huge in size.)
NEWBIE: I'm in this for the money.
(IONIZER: Web pages with banners, surprise!)
IONIZER: I'll have you nuked everywhere
your greedy and you don't care.
I don't want to share this whole new scene with you.
IONIZER: A whole new scene.
NEWBIE: A whole new scene.
IONIZER: That's what I'm seeing!
NEWBIE: I love leeching!
IONIZER: A bunch of new negroes.
NEWBIE: I really like ISO's!
BOTH: A scene for you and me!
*********************************PARODY**************************************
*********************************PARODY**************************************
*********************************PARODY**************************************
============================================
HOW TO GET THIS MAGAZINE ON A REGULAR BASIS:
============================================
TGR is released on Sundays, at approximately 8pm (EST). It can be obtained
in 2 different ways. The first method obviously being the easiest and best:
*****************
***NEW ADDRESS***
*****************
#1 TGR Web Page: http://www.monmouth.com/~jionin
-------------------------------
(Over 81,000 Served) (Note: Contains all issues and gets them first)
#2 Through irc, you can dcc from me the newest issue only, simply type:
/msg ionizer xdcc send #1 OR /msg iondcc xdcc list <to see list>
On the day of release (Sunday), you may also use IonDcc instead of me.
- * - * - * - * - *
* - * - * - * - * -
GAME REVIEWS, RATINGS, UN-BIASED OPINIONS, HELP/TIPS FOR INSTALLING GAMES!
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
-Rating scale:
(0-19)/100 = In a nutshell, it sucked!
(20-39)/100 = Still crap but slightly better.
(40-49)/100 = Possibly worth downloading.
(50-69)/100 = Pretty decent game. Might want to check it out.
(70-79)/100 = Worth the download if you like that type.
(80-89)/100 = Very good, 9 outta 10 its worth the download.
(90-99)/100 = Excellent game, a MUST download.
100/100 = HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BETTER GAME!
RATINGS are based on the game idea, graphics, sound, playability, ingenuity,
versatility, and a lot of other words ending in `ity'. These games are based
on what happens on MY COMPUTER ONLY, unless stated otherwise. I always first
follow .nfo directions, and if those don't work or are not available, I then
try other ways. So just b/c it doesn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't
work for you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-<*><*> THE GAME REVIEW (c) Ionizer <*><*>-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soccer Nation (c) Attica [xx/45]
/\______ /\______ ____/\______ __
\____ \/ \__ \/ _ \____ \ __/ \____
/ _/ _/ \/ / / / _/ _// / / / / /
/ \ \ /\ / /\ / / \ \/ /\ / / /
\__/\ \/RTX______\___/\__/\ \/ / /_/_/
=====\___)===\__)============\___)=\/=======
-Filenames: SOCNAT??.ZIP
Here is yet another one of those soccer managers. Suprisingly, Hybrid did
not release it. Anyway, this one actually looks good to watch, compared to
others that have been put out. But it's still boring, who the hell wants to
manage a soccer team, at least no one in the USA does. I mean for christ
sakes they have to actually advertise soccer games for people to attend in
America. So don't be throwing us Soccer Managers. About the game, you're
given cash, some shitty players and you gotta turn them into Pele's and be-
come the world's best. Lotsa useless options, hundreds of which will never
be used. Two funny things: I quote Razor's NFO:
"Soccer Nation has the potential to become one of the biggest games
of the year and beyond. - Computer & Video Games" (Just funny)
"To enable Hardware-acceleration do the following when you start the
game. Select "Knock-out Game" and in the upper-left corner of the
screen there is an Options Icon. Click it. You will then be able to
select sound/graphics options etc." (Maybe I'm blind from playing all
these games, but I didn't see this icon.)
RATING: 61/100 (in comparison to other Soccer sims)
_ _ _ _
| | ~(_)__ _ _ _(_)__| |~,
| |__| / _` | || | / _` |:
|____|_\__, |\_,_|_\__,_;|
`:- ___ _ |_|-----------`|
| | __| |__ _ _ __ ___ |
| | _|| / _` | ' \/ -_)|
| |_| |_\__,_|_|_|_\___;|
| |
| Presents: |
| Windows Arcade Pack |
| (c) Varcon / Wizar |
| Disks: [xx/05] X 1.44 |
| Released: JUNE 08 1998|
+-----------------------+
-Filenames: LFM-WAP?.ZIP
Joo' know, why do they try to pack up games that are easily available as free-
ware. This one includes Macman (aka Pacman), Patriot (aka Missle Command),
Hemroids (aka Asteroids), Bricklayer (aka Tetris), and Diamonds (aka a new
game). As the nfo says, the Diamonds one is the best, but only b/c I don't
think it was ever a real game. You guys don't need any more info on these.
RATING: 35/100
(Uneeded diz material removed)
..:....: ' ... ... ..:. : .:....:.
. :...: : A:R:C:A:N:E. .:. . : :
.:...... .:.. . :. ... . . . .... :
(Uneeded diz material removed)
:' ARCANE BRING YOU:..........................,
: Championship Pool (c) Wizzard Works :
:.............................................:
-Filename: ARCCPOOL.ZIP
Uhh, ok, they said they it's the entire CD, yet, the setup was missing files.
I find it hard to believe, even if it is small, that the whole game would be
found in a 66k setup.exe. You dumb fucks.
RATING: NA/100
GANJA FARMER (c) XGAMES 3D / EVILX [X/1]
⁄ƒƒƒ €€€ ‹‹‹ ‹‹‹ ∞±≤ ‹‹‹ flflflfl€€‹ flflflfl€€‹ø
≥ ‹€‹€€€ flflfl €€€ ±≤€ flflfl ≤±∞ €€€ ∞±≤ ≤€€≥
≥€€€ ≤€€ ≤±∞ €€≤ ≤€€ ∞±≤ €≤± ≤€€ ±≤€flflfl ≥
:€€≤ ±≤€ €≤± €€≤ €€€ ±≤€ €€≤ ≤€€ ≤€€ ∞±≤:
≥€€≤ ∞±≤ €€≤ €€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ±≤€≥
≥fl€€‹‹‹‹‹€€€ fl€‹€fl €€€ €€€ €€€ €€€‹≤€fl≥
¿sL!(sac)ƒƒƒƒƒƒ <06.09.98> ƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒŸ
-Filenames: DVNGANJA.ZIP
Hahahaha. This is what the quality games out there need, humor. Basically
your this rasta dude who stands on top of his tri-colored 70's mobile with
all this rasta like music and sfx. In front of you is your crop of pot, and
the objective is to keep the enemies from taking it from you. They come down
outta planes and parachute down to steal it, you have to shoot them first.
A clever little attitude to this makes it amusing for about 10-15 mins, then
your bored with it. You can acquire different weapons as you proceed. The
gfx are shit, but it's not too important in this one. Oh and TGR would like
to remind you that, "Ummm, drugs are bad, mmmmkay?"
RATING: 70/100 (for humor)
.:. Teknorage and Pirasoft! Present .:.
⁄]:.:SolSuite98.Solitaire.v2.0.Register.:[ø
≥ÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕÕ≥
€€€€€ flflflflflfl€flfl€‹ flflflflflfl€flfl‹ flflflflfl€€fl€‹
€€€€€flflfl flfl€€€ €€€‹€ €€€€€ €€€‹€ €€€ €€€‹€
€∞∞∞€ €€€€€ €∞€fl€∞∞€‹ €∞∞∞€ €∞∞∞€ €€€‹‹‹‹‹
€±±±€ €±±±€ €±€ €±±±€ €±±±€‹€±±€fl ‹‹‹ €±±€€
fl€€≤€‹€≤€€fl‹€≤€ €≤≤≤€ €≤≤≤€ flflfl fl€€≤€‹€≤€€fl
≥Õ flflflflfl flflflflfl flflflflfl flflflflfl ÕÕÕÕÕÕ flflflflfl ≥
¿:.: Released on 06/08/98 -[xx/03] :.:Ÿ
-Filenames: SOL982??.ZIP
Your basic windows card game. It has an enormous amount of solitaire games,
which if you know how to play all of them, then you are the biggest fucking
loser on the face of this earth. Go get a life and stop playing w/ yourself.
RATING: 99/100 <for the lonely>
RATING: 45/100 <for all others>
Flying Saucer (c) Software 2000/Post Linear [xx/50]
______ /| ___ /\______ /\______
/ \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1
/ |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9
< | < / | / | \/ | \ 9
\ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8
+=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+
-Filenames: CLSFSR??.ZIP
The installer for this game is actually quite cool. Class deserves two
cheesy poofs for it. Oh...right, ya wanna know about the game. You're in
a flying saucer, and you have a bunch of missions to complete. The graphics
are pretty good and the speech is excellent. Well designed and well put
together. Once you figure out how to navigate and shoot properly, you really
might enjoy this game. For those of you who live in Hickland, USA you might
find this game disturbing as it could trigger nightmares about you being
abducted by aliens and having shit put up your ass. There is a mechwarrior
feeling to the game because of the terrain, but it runs very smoothly, except
when you blowup a plane right in front of you (slows to like 1/2 a frame/sec
for about 5 seconds), but other than that, a very decent game, but nothing we
haven't seen before, other than the alien theme.
RATING: 83/100
KUBA (C) PATCH PRODUCTS <xx/18>
__ ______ ______ ____ _____ ____ _____
\// _ \ _ \_\__/ _ \_\__/_\_ \
/ / / / /. / / / / / /
\______/ \____|_/\___ /___/___/ /
--------|___|---------/____\------/____\--
Origin - Origin - Origin - Origin
--------------------------------------wk!-
-Filenames: OGNKUB??.ZIP
Uhhhh, what the hell is this game? It's some weird board game (which is
short for `boring game') with balls. It looks like chinese checkers, but
the object is to knock the opponents ball off the table. It's hard to explain
how to do it and it's even harder to play. Unless you know this game, don't
bother, it isn't that much fun and it's pretty big for what it is. The people
who actually programmed this game are big losers. I mean has anyone out there
ever called up their friend and said "Hey Joe, why don't you come over and
we can play some Kuba, it's totally cool man!" I bet it's a great pickup
line at a bar, "Hey baby, why don't you come back to my place and I can show
you my Kuba."
RATING: 40/100
HOUSE OF THE DEAD (c) SEGA [xx/13]
flflflfl€‹flflflfl€‹flflflfl€€ ≤€ €€ ≤€ flflfl€‹ ‹€fl€€flflfl ‹€
:≤€‹€fl ≤€ €€ ≤€ fl €€‹€fl €€ ≤€ €€ fl€‹‹ ≤€‹€€
|€€ €≤ €€fl€€ €€ ‹ €€ €€ €€ €€fl€€ ‹‹ €€ €€ €€
≥€€‹€fl €€ €≤ fl€‹€€ €€ €≤ fl€‹‹‹ €≤ ≤€‹€fl €€ €≤
¿ƒƒƒƒ[ RELEASE DATE: 06/10/1998 ]ƒƒƒƒƒroyƒƒƒƒ
-Filenames: BLH-HD??.ZIP
This 'gimme your money' arcade shooter comes to your PC. It's basically
exactly like the arcade, except no gun, and no 50 inch screen. Your involved
in a small little plot and basically monsters keep coming at you and you
shoot them. A fast graphics card and computer are a definite reccomend or
else it's really hard to shoot at the guys quick enough. Decent gfx, consid-
ering you only see the guys up close b/c your dumb character feels that's the
best way to go about this game, to go right up to monsters who have axes when
he/she has a gun and could easily shoot them from 10 feet away. I also love
how she turns the corner and then looks at the monster right in her face,
rather than trying to go about it in a more sneaky way. But o'well, that's
why it was designed that way, for kids to keep shoving in their quarters. A
fun shoot-em up, but it can get frustrating or boring quickly.
RATING: 78/100
Tim Wins Game Suite *REGGED*
[OS:WIN95/NT] [DATE:06/10/98] [DiSK:o1/o1]
._______/\__________/\_______/\___________.
/ _____\_ ___ \_____ \ _____/
/ \ \ _\ / / /__ __\___
\____________/__________\___\____ \________/
+-ds-----------+ C.O.R.E..9.8 +- \_/ -------+
-Filename: CR-TWGS1.ZIP
The serial # given in the nfo doesn't work, so technically this is shareware.
But even if it were regged, it's just a plain windows card game, which there
are too many of. I never heard of the games in this one, zip 21, eleven up,
run 21, but I found some of them a little interesting to play. Then I stopped
and said "Hey, what the hell am I doing? I'm playing card games on my comp-
uter! That should only be allowed when at work or something." Unless you
like these unknown card games, don't bother.
RATING: 45/100
Butch Harmon's Golf Manager (c) GT Interactive [xx/25]
. .
d$ Demented d$ Dimensions
.$$$$$˝S@$s, .$$$$$˝S@$s,
`$$$$$ $$$$$ `$$$$$ $$$$$
ˆ$$$$$ $$$$$ ˆ$$$$$ $$$$$
.$$$$$ $$$$$ .$$$$$ $$$$$
`$$$$$ $$$$$ `$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$
$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$
$$$$$s$$Y˝'. $$$$$s$$Y˝'d$$$
`˝Y$$$$$$$$$S@ssssssssss@S$$P˝'
-Filenames: DD-GLM??.ZIP
This isn't a game. It's a util to help you manage your golf playing. You
basically have to draw your course and say how well you shoot with each iron
and then it tells you stuff. If you ask me, if you put the effort to draw
the course, and to figure out how far you drive the ball, then you probably
don't need this. Since it's not a game, it does not receive a rating.
RATING: NA/100
***********************************
Seven Kingdoms: Ancient Adversaries
[xx/40]
This is the FULL version, with the
orginal + new missions & civilizations
***********************************
-Filenames: 7KAA-??.ZIP
Well this game is probably a dupe, but since it was originally released during
our time off, I'll give it it's 5 seconds of fame. "Hi, I'm 7 Kingdoms. I'm
slightly behind the time, see I thought being a real-time strategy would be
considered new and innovating. But then someone told me that games like my-
self were released over three years ago. I think I'll go sit in the corner."
Yet another real-time strategy. Only difference between this and the orig-
inals are the # of options and the things you build. Same shit, different
company.
RATING: 64/100
Dominion (c) Eidos Interactive [XX/52]
______ /| ___ /\______ /\______
/ \/ | / _ \ / _____/ _____>1
/ |_ / |/ | \\____ \ \____ \ 9
< | < / | / | \/ | \ 9
\ _____\_<____|___\_____ /\_____ / 8
+=\/======================\/====hh!\/==+
-Filenames: CLSDOS??.ZIP
At first, I thought this would be just another C&C clone...and then upon a
closer examination I realized IT WAS. STOP RELEASING C&C CLONES. Jesus,
your not going to make any money! Although this is a pretty good real-time
strategy, this crap has been out for 5 years now. Little in these games has
changed, other than the name and the type of setting you play in. Unless
the name Dominion turns you on or something, why bother, you had C&C a long
time ago, and more people have it to play multiplayer with anyway. Despite
that, this is a pretty decent C&C clone, and has one cool feature, the ability
to click the "make person" button as many times as you want, and it will keep
producing them (no need to wait and click again).
RATING: 73/100
Hexplore (c) Infogrames [XX/37]
⁄ƒƒƒ €€€ ‹‹‹ ‹‹‹ ∞±≤ ‹‹‹ flflflfl€€‹ flflflfl€€‹ø
≥ ‹€‹€€€ flflfl €€€ ±≤€ flflfl ≤±∞ €€€ ∞±≤ ≤€€≥
≥€€€ ≤€€ ≤±∞ €€≤ ≤€€ ∞±≤ €≤± ≤€€ ±≤€flflfl ≥
:€€≤ ±≤€ €≤± €€≤ €€€ ±≤€ €€≤ ≤€€ ≤€€ ∞±≤:
≥€€≤ ∞±≤ €€≤ €€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ≤€€ €€€ ±≤€≥
≥fl€€‹‹‹‹‹€€€ fl€‹€fl €€€ €€€ €€€ €€€‹≤€fl≥
¿sL!(sac)ƒƒƒƒƒƒ <06.12.98> ƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒƒŸ
-Filenames: DVNHXP??.ZIP
Ok take the game Dink Smallwood, take out all the humor, and take any decent
looking RPG game and subtract good graphics and playability, and you got this
one. This game just sucks. They coulda made it a little better, the charac-
ter movement and scrolling suck, the graphics in hi-res are pretty bad, it's
just an overall bad game with the potential to be halfway decent. You run
around from place to place as you improve your "experience points" and talk to
the entire world and do everything for them b/c they are always to lazy to do
things on there own (such as finding something or talking to someone else).
Don't bother, even if you like RPG's.
RATING: 40/100
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> THE GAME OF THE WEEK <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well this week's a tough choice, should I give it to the quality game that's
been seen before or to the shitty quality game that made us all crack up? OF
COURSE IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO GANJA FARMER! Sure, the gfx are crappy, and
the game gets boring after 15 minutes. But it's the only game out there that
you'd probably play for 15 minutes anyway, so congrats to DIVINE, again!
Runners up were Flying Saucer from Class, and House of the Dead from Backlash.
Both are also decent games to download, but nothing we haven't seen before.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> CORRECTIONS <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Ja' mon', we be full of correctness.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS MAGAZINE IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER, CONDONES THE PIRATING, STEALING, OR ANY
OTHER ILLEGAL MEANS OF OBTAINING SOFTWARE. I AM IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR
YOUR ACTIONS AS A RESULT OF READING THIS MAGAZINE, NOR HAVE I DONE ANYTHING
ILLEGAL TO OBTAIN THE REVIEWED GAMES. IF YOU LIKE HOW THE REVIEW OF A GAME
SOUNDS THEN BY ALL MEANS PURCHASE IT AND SUPPORT THE SOFTWARE COMPANY.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
<*> CLOSINGS <*>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Hope you found this weeks reviews helpful, please feel free to write and
say anything you want, I even welcome hate mail!
-Ionizer [THE GAME REVIEWer]
Comments/Complaints send to jionin@monmouth.com (NO GAME REQUESTS)
.a$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$a.
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`$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&@%o%@&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$hd'
Copyright 1995,1996,1997,1998 Ionizer Inc. #167A939
