exponentiation ezine: issue [2.0: news]
Corporate Scientists say Refuse is Good for Wildlife and Environment August 23, 2005
BENTONVILLE, AR - In an unprecedented study, scientists have concluded that the refuse created by disposable products is in fact helpful to the environment and its creatures, reversing a previous assumption that toxic byproducts and non-degradable waste were harmful.
The six-month study, sponsored by the Corpoate Ethical Research Society, analyzed the behavior of wildlife in environments saturated with corporate waste. "Wildlife find homes and improved lifestyles in the landfills," scientist David Lyons stated. "Many cute furry animals, such as the chipmunk, attain superior shelter from the harsh natural environment and its amoral predators."
Fellow researcher Danica Weathers agreed. "Our negative view of trash is out of date. These animals would otherwise be left in the rain and snow, where predators can find them, but now they are protected by quality homes such as this box from a Toshiba 24-inch LCD TV. Besides, about the only open space left for animals is landfills and trash-strewn ghetto lots."
Lyons, sponsored by the Wal-Mart corporation, said the research was groundbreaking. "It proves that chemicals leaking from this waste are killing off the weaker and excess members of each species, making each animal stronger over time. Also, by making larger predators extinct, it guarantees these creatures long and happy lives not unlike our own."
The study found that the only species eliminated by trash are the ones we would like to see less of. "Primitive species such as rats and cockroaches survived the plagues and famines of a less civilized time," said Weathers, "but now they are obsolete. They had their day in the sun, and it's time to move on to a better future through technology."
When Citizens for Ethical Animal Consumption, a grassroots environmental preservation organization, was contacted for a comment, spokespersonn Erika Richards said trash was a low priority. "The Kraft Food Corporation is re-releasing Roadkill brand fruit snack candies, telling youth that wildlife is edible. Trash can wait until we have addressed this crisis," she said, returning to a McDonalds hamburger and large strawberry shake.
New Scholarship for Americans Gifted in Trivial Ways October 13, 2005
MINNEAPOLIS, MN (FNN) - President Bush, in an early-morning ceremony attended by fewer than three of those honored, promoted multiculturalism and equality with a new scholarship for Americans with unconventional gifts.
The new federally-funded scholarship, Opportunity for Americans Gifted in Trivial Ways, goes into effect next semester, providing funding for those with skills not conventionally recognized as important. "These are America's heroes, too, and they're helping us defeat terrorism," said Bush.
Recent nominees for the scholarship included a suburban kid who figured out on his own how to clean a toilet; an inner city dweller who refused to spraypaint obscenities on the project walls; office workers who have made fully-functioning neck supports entirely out of paperclips; rural slackers who lack a single rusting automotive object stored on the premises.
2004 nominee Fuzzy Jackson, who was recognized for having sold a 2003 HP laptop without lying, inflating the price, or exaggerating its specifications, said he believed the award celebrated America. "It's what makes this country great," he said. "You go into some job, and do less than absolutely failing it, and they give you a medal. I love America!"
Al-Qaeda "Chronic Marijuana Abusers" says CIA October 24, 2005
LANGLEY, VA (NNN) - Most Americans see Osama bin Laden as a diabolical, Hitleresque character with malevolence on his mind. Not so, says a recent CIA report, which construes bin Laden as being more like a neighborhood criminal: destitute, watches bad TV, and chronically addicted to the drug marijuana, which is illegal in America.
The CIA's Rosenberg Research Center released the report, "Psychological Analysis of Al-Qaeda Leadership," on Monday, citing a number of sources throughout the middle east and America which have studied the terrorist leader and his murderous brethren. "A typical day for bin Laden starts with a heaping bowl of some fine indica, perhaps sprinkled with tobacco," said William A. Rauschweig, leader of the think tank's middle east study project.
According to the report, bin Laden was unaware of the success of the September 11 attacks because he did not wish to be disturbed during a massive drug bash in which he and Ayman Al-Zawahiri, his second-in-command, smoked more than a kilogram of Indian sinsemilla and Nepalese hashish while playing consecutive games of "Grand Theft Auto." While the CIA report does not state this, a highly-placed anonymous source near the top-secret Pakistan hideout of al-Qaeda reveals that al-Zawahiri won.
"For some time, we've been baffled as to the leader's choice of reclusive hideouts and random activity," said Marshall A. Redstone, with the Middle East Peace Policy Project, a non-profit corporation devoted to solutions to earth's longest running conflicts. "While we've been trying to find a guerrilla fortress, what we should have been looking for was a dark, smoky room with a Nintendo."
The report details al-Qaeda's habits, including vast binges on marijuana, massive expenditures on snack food and videogames, and hating our freedom. Brent Hubbart, chairman of the Washington-based Media Bias Foundation, explained. "It shows us that these people are motivated more by laziness and drug addiction than Islam. It must be accurate because our press always is, and is never, ever influenced by hidden oligarchies of government or business. Right?"
Stricter Environmental Regulations in New York September 19, 2005
NEW YORK, NY (FWN) - At a groundbreaking ceremony for the city's new $4.6bn water and sewage treatment plant, Mayor Bloomberg announced a new initative to clean up New York's environment.
Straining his voice to be heard at the waterside ceremony, Bloomberg elaborated. "Unlicensed cigar smoking contributes over forty metric tons of carbon dioxide to our atmosphere. We're also cracking down on excessive methane from unsanctioned bean consumption, and the use of toilet flushes to dispose of condoms."
According to Bloomberg, the new regulations are tougher than those in any other major city in America and represent a "major boost" for environmental efforts. "In this city, every year, public urination and spitting creates 300,000 gallons of ammonoid waste," he said.
At times Bloomberg was nearly drowned out by the roar of passing cars, but he expounded upon the need to cut back on waste in many ways. In the background, the deep-sea tanker Marie Belle, skippered by some guy who'd be making twice as much doing something else if it weren't for his alcohol problem, ran aground, releasing six million gallons of dioxin.
Bloomberg cited dripping faucets, CD players left in "pause" mode, electric razors and security lights. His speech was momentarily interrupted by trucks loaded with plastic souvenir Statues of Liberty drag-racing down the Long Island Expressway.
"These actions are weakening America by polluting our environment and leaving us open to attack by Islamic fundamentalists and Nazis," he said. "They're now banned, and it's up to you underlings to enforce it." He then exited the podium, leaving behind a styrofoam cup half-full of coffee and two pages of notes.
Child Abuse Major Factor in Success of CEOs August 11, 2005
CHICAGO, IL (FWN) - A new study from The Thinking Group, Inc. reveals insight into the complex world of the psychology of America's leading CEOs. "The good news is that the people who keep this nation the wealthiest on earth are not driven to succeed by soulless material lust," said Dawn Montpellier, project manager.
Montpellier showed members of the press a video of one of America's most famous CEOs. "At first I wanted to succeed so I wasn't a failure," he said. "Then I realized, the only reason I did not want to fail was that my father might come back for my nightly beating, cigarette-burn torture and rape."
Montpellier said it was unusual that over 92% of the subjects surveyed displayed clinical signs of child abuse such as twitching when touched, screaming at the sight of parental photographs, and sodomizing their own offspring.
"Twenty years ago we thought CEOs were either Jesus figures or megalomaniacs, but now we have a better understanding of the psychology of success," said Madelaine von Savant, a professional psychic and intelligence consultant in the New York area.
The CEO continued, "I've done some soul-searching and where I once wanted a big house and car, now I realize all I want is a house and car with impenetrable locks."
von Savant said that adversity was a "healthy, nourishing" factor in the development of the children of today's CEOs. "Busy modern lives are full of terror of failure and empty rewards," she said. "A common response is to rape a child, which gives them a chance, through modern psychology, to overcome this adversity and see the beauty and tolerance in all of us, no matter how scarred by anal violation."
The anonymous CEO was not so sanguine about the situation. As our interview team left the building, he grabbed the hand of a cameraman and begged for a candy bar wrapper the man had tucked in his pocket. "It's the last thing my father gave me," he wept. "He would always bring one upstairs before beating me senseless and raping me."
