Tacky Yellow No Name 7
"...Rrrrrrrrriiiiiiing.....rrrrrrrriiiiiiing.....rrrrrrrriiiiiiii iing.....<click> Hi, you've reached Darien! I'm out fighting evil or messing up my personal relationships, so if you'd care -"
Serena put the phone down with a sigh; obviously, Darien wasn't answering. So much for Lita's theory that they'd be back together before dinner! It had been almost twelve whole minutes since she'd finished her spaghetti. Inwardly, she vowed to always keep a screwdriver in her pocket from now on - this would never have happened if she hadn't used her fingernail to fix his head the first time!
She debated going on a crying spree, but opted not to since there wasn't anyone around to pay attention to her. Even Luna was off somewhere doing cat-type stuff.
Instead, she meandered downstairs and flipped on the TV, flopping down on the couch. She briefly wondered where her family was, then remembered that their contracts only called for a token mention in the fic.
As the picture in the TV came into focus, Malachite's eyes glared malevolently out at her.
Serena screamed.
Malachite smiled. "Are you tired of false cheerfulness and colourful plastic decor? Want to go to a store with real people?"
The TV flashed to a huge crowd of people gathered in a playground. Exhuberantly, they shouted "YES!".
Serena, suddenly remembering to breathe, relaxed a bit and regarded the commercial intently.
Fade-out and back in to a view of a large department store of some sort, with black walls and little decoration. Malachite's voice spoke in the voice-over, accompanied by cheesy-yet-threatening canned music..."Come down to the new Mal-Mart! Our salespeople are rude, inconsiderate and caught up in their own personal problems - and they won't bother you while you shop! Walk in, buy what you want, and walk out! You won't have to talk to a single person! If one of our employees tells you to 'Have a nice day', I will personally kill them for you!!" Malachite paused as the music continued; the camera panned to several shots of snarling employees, several of whom jammed their hands in front of the lens.
The camera flashed back to a close-up of Malachite's face; he grinned evilly. "Mal-Mart - opening tomorrow. And please, feel free to shoplift; our ninja enforcers DARE you." The shot of Malachite froze; the voice-over of a disinterested-sounding woman added, "A couple of things in the store will be on sale. But considering how overpriced everything else is, I wouldn't get too enthused."
The commerical ended; a documentary on slugs resumed.
Serena blinked. Then, her eyes developed that special sparkle reserved only for one thing - the magic word. "A SALE!!"
Running back upstairs, she threw herself at the phone.
****
Saabbite chuckled in his best threatening fashion as he flipped off the TV. Turning to view the occupants of the now vastly overcrowded apartment, he smirked. "I think, my friends, we've found our opening."
Except for a few confused looks and several remarks concerning Saabbite's parentage and the disputed occupancy rights of the Laz- E-Boy, there was a chorus of agreements.
****
The sun shone bright and early over the cluster of eager customers waiting outside the doors of Mal-Mart. The would-be shoppers could clearly be divided into two groups - a large gaggle of schoolgirls (including the Sailor Scouts) and a group of shady-looking characters.
The shadier characters - about twenty of them - stood off to the side, wearing trenchcoats with the collars pulled up. All had thick black glasses, big noses, and funny-looking moustaches. They smirked evilly, or tried to.
Under the guise of stroking his moustache malevolently, Saabbite turned his head to glare at Notoobrite. "When I said to find disguises, I didn't mean we should look like the Marx family reunion!"
Notoobrite snarled. "Hey, what did you expect at the last minute? You're just lucky that party shop was going out of business, or we would never have been able to afford enough stuff for everyone!"
"Shhh!" said another trenchcoated figure. "I think they're getting ready to open!"
Near the doors, Ami and Raye were staring at the strange group.
"Do you think there's something suspicious about those guys?" asked Ami worriedly.
"Yeah," replied Raye, "but if we deal with it, we'll miss the start of the sale!"
"Oooh," put in Serena, "good point!"
Ami shrugged. "I guess weird evil-vibe types need to shop, too."
"Yeah," agreed Raye. "I don't want to get my hair messed up."
Suddenly, a loudspeaker above the main doors gave forth a burst of cheesy fanfare music. Malachite, clad in cape, boots, jeans and Mal-Mart "GET IT YOURSELF!" t-shirt (tm), appeared in a puff of smoke.
In a decidedly anticlimactic manner, he then unlocked the front door, opened it, and strode through, letting it swing shut behind him.
The crowd milled uncertainly outside the store.
"Um...I guess we can go in?" ventured one girl finally, a pretty creature with grayish-green (or was it greenish-gray?) eyes.
Serena tentatively pulled at the door; it opened.
"Woohoo! SHOPPING!"
The mad rush of teenaged girls was followed more sedately by the group of trenchcoats.
The inside of the store was dark. Very dark. Pale halogen lights ensured that shoppers could at least see where they were going, but the walls, floor and ceiling had been painted a glossy black. Tacky foam stalagmites marked the aisles, and heavy-looking stalactites hung precariously from the ceiling. Raye eyed them nervously, noting how a few of them seemed to swing a bit with every footstep taken in the store.
Eddie, trenchcoat collar pulled securely around his face, stopped in shock. His eyes roved the walls of his (former) beloved Wal-Mart.
A whimper escaped his lips - bolting for a nearby corner, he curled pathetically into the fetal position and began sucking violently on his thumb.
Ami, catching Malachite's eye where he lounged against one of the cash counters, wandered over.
"Hey, how's the foot?"
He blinked. "Sorry?"
"You know..your foot..."
Malachite looked puzzled. "Uh..that was *yesterday*..."
Ami slapped her forehead sheepishly. "Of course! How foolish of me."
There was a pause.
"So," Malachite gestured expansively, "you like?"
"Um...the decor is very interesting," she offered vaguely, with a nervous smile.
Malachite nodded. "Reminds me of home. Plus, we've got a secret contest going - the tenth person to be hit by a falling stalactite will win a free candy bar."
Across the store, Serena headed eagerly for the toy section. She couldn't wait to see what cute things were on sale!
At the same time, Notoobrite broke away from her cohorts and searched the store with eager eyes. Their plan was useless if Zoisite wasn't present, at least as far as she was concerned.
Serena's eye was suddenly caught by a sign: "Sailor Moon Merchandise Sold Here!" Eyeing the display table with some suspicion, she approached.
Notoobrite peered through her fake plastic glasses and spotted Zoisite, dressed identically to Malachite minus the cape, standing at the electronics counter talking earnestly to two employees (also in t-shirts). On his shirt, a large pin read: "Zoisite: Customer Relations Manager".
Serena's eyes widened in horror as she regarded the tacky- looking dolls. Tuxedo Mask with orange lipstick? For $40??? Scout boots that were painted on? Plastic accessories? But the worst was yet to come. All down the aisle, brightly coloured packages sported similar-but-not-quite-identical product logos: Beauty Scouts! Pretty Soldier Sailor Moin! Sailor Sweeties! Sailor Babies!?
Notoobrite drew closer to the service desk, smiling evilly. Zoisite, glancing back over his shoulder, smirked. "OK, guys," he whispered, "here comes a customer! Do it just like I taught you!"
Notoobrite approached the counter; before she could speak, the two pimply adolescents in black-and-green smiled evilly and began laughing maniacally. "HahaHAHAHahahaHAHAHAhahaha!"
Serena, faced with the pathetic merchandise bearing her name, screamed in fury.
Notoobrite, her eyes widening dangerously as the two employees laughed, finally snapped.
"THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!" screamed two voices from separate ends of the store. Shoppers and employees alike glanced around, confused.
"NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO STEAL MY SHTICK AGAIN!" The yelling continued, still curiously dual.
"Notoobrite!" hissed Saabbite desperately, running for his furious cohort, "Shut up! It's not time yet!" Tripping on the hem of his coat, he slipped and fell crashing into a nearby stack of video tapes. "Argh!"
Zoisite, suddenly suspicious, reached forward and ripped the fuming Notoobrite's glasses-nose-moustache-combo from her face. Her sci-fi silver eyes glinted evilly. "Ack!" he shrieked. "Malachiiiiiite!"
'Dammit!' swore Litebrite, fingers flying. 'Get him!'
"NO MORE SHODDY DOLLS!" Serena continued yelling as she strode into the electronics section, completely oblivious to the trenchcoated figures suddenly homing on on Zoisite. "THERE'S ONLY ONE SAILOR MOON!"
Lita and Mina, darting out of the women's clothing section, headed for Serena with alarmed expressions. "Serena, don't you DARE!"
"MOON CRYSTAL POWER!!" Cheesy music began to play; Serena began dancing around and glowing. A crowd of disguised figures, employees and miscellaneous shopper-girls gathered during the lengthy transformation sequence; Malachite appeared at Zoisite's side, glaring at Notoobrite.
"Oooh," moaned Lita as Serena stuck her leg above her head, "I *hate* when she does that!"
*Finally*, the transformation sequence ended and Sailor Moon faced the crowd defiantly. The expressions of the audience ranged from bored to vaguely interested to shocked.
"Oh, MAN," sighed Raye as she and Ami ran up, "NOW she's done it!"
Saabbite, just now getting to his feet in a shower of T-120 tapes, sneered. "So, Sailor Moon, you think to thwart us!"
Sailor Moon, noticing him for the first time, frowned. "Hey - what are you doing here? You guys ran like stuffed chickens last time!"
Saabbite, looking briefly puzzled at the term "stuffed chickens", scoffed. "Merely a strategic retreat! For now, we have returned, and in greater numbers than before!"
Duly cued, the Groucho Marx-like figures surrounding the little group whipped off their masks and trenchcoats, revealing bitter young people wearing Negaverse uniforms in various states of disrepair.
"HaHAHAHhahaha!!" laughed Notoobrite. "Give it up, Sailor Moon!"
"Not so fast!"
"MOON PRISM POWER!," yelled Zoisite.
"MARS STAR POWER!"
Yadda yadda, etc. etc. The scouts all transformed; Malachite, not rating a transformation sequence of his own, became Tuxedo Malachite with little fuss or special effects.
"HA!" yelled Saabbite, "You're still waaaay outnumbered! And now you've given away your secret identities to all these bystanders!"
A little belatedly, the scouts noticed that the schoolgirls and the Mal-Mart employees were all staring at them.
"Um..." said Mercury, ashamed to have made such a foolish mistake.
"Oh, nevermind," said Mars irritably. "I've never understood why no one ever recognized us anyway. I mean, meatballs plus meatballs equals....? Put it together, people!"
"But you're *still* waaay outnumbered!" repeated Saabbite triumphantly. "Petalite! Fluffyite! Bind Malachite and Zoisite and let's get out of here!"
Sailor Mercury glanced around and realized that they were surrounded by reject generals. "Ack! We need a just-in-the-nick-of- time Tux rescue!"
"Where *is* he, anyway?" asked Jupiter irritably.
Sailor Moon sniffled.
"DON'T START," warned Mars, raising a hand threateningly.
"Eep! I'll be good!"
"Hold it right there!"
"Tuxedo Mask!" Sailor Moon whipped her head around, smacking Mercury with a pigtail as she did so.
But Tux was nowhere to be seen. Instead, a small army of Mal- Mart employees pushed their way through the crowd, armed with price markers and garden hoes (from the lawn care department). "No one gets Lord Malachite without going through us, first!" spouted the adolescent boy in the lead. The lettering on his t-shirt glinted heroically in the halogen lighting. Behind him, the other employees lined up, weapons extended and faces determined.
Several of the generals looked alarmed - one broke and ran for the door. Sadly, in his panic, he neglected to open it, and smashed through the glass to land dazed outside.
Notoobrite frowned; she should have known that YellowBellyite wouldn't be too dependable.
"Woohoo!" cheered Malachite, "we're saved! Bonuses for all of you!"
Saabbite smirked. "What do you think, Notoobrite, Litebrite? Class D?"
His two compatriots nodded.
"And a-one, and a-two, and a-three," chanted Notoobrite - and promptly blasted the employees back to the wall and through the door leading through the storeroom. There was an explosion; pieces of scorched material drifted through the air.
"AAAH!!!" screamed Malachite, "THE NEW CAPE SHIPMENT!!!"
"Alright, Zoisite, you witch, take THIS!!" Saabbite's hand drew back, clearly preparing to lob something evil and deadly in Zoisite's direction.
"Hey!" yelled Mercury suddenly, "hold on a sec!"
Saabbite paused briefly to eye her. "Why?"
"Because," she stated, a copy of the Fanfic Regulations in her hand, "you can't destroy us without telling us the motivation behind your evil plan!"
Saabbite glanced at Notoobrite, who nodded. He let his hand drop. "Right! How could I have forgotten the Evil Gloating?"
"Me first!" snarled Notoobrite.
Litebrite shrugged. 'Be my guest.'
Saabbite also stepped aside. "Hey, I'm in no rush. We've got them trapped, and all."
Eyeing Sailor Zoisite, who was unsuccessfully attempting to hide in the folds of Tuxedo Malachite's cape, Notoobrite laughed. "HAhahahHAHAHAhahahAHAHAHA!!"
"That laugh!" exclaimed Venus, suddenly recognizing it. There was only one laugh in the world so annoying, so shrill...(except, of course, for the deranged chuckles of Kodachi Kunou, but since she wasn't in the fic she didn't count.)
"YOU STOLE MY LAUGH!!!" yelled Notoobrite, glaring at Zoisite angrily. "And now you're going to pay! It's all your fault that no one ever paid attention to me - they called me a Zoisite wanna-be! But it's MY LAUGH! I STARTED IT!!"
Sailor Zoisite gave up trying to hide and sneered weakly. "I do it better than you do! HahahHAHAHhaha!"
"HAHAHAHhahaHAHAHAHA!!"
"HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
"HAHAAHAHAH -"
"Er - Notoobrite?" One of the miscellaneous generals cut in. "Could we not spend all day on this vengeance thing? I've got a hair appointment at four."
"Of course, Calgonite," replied Notoobrite, collecting her composure. "Oh, and you, Malachite...well...um...you just hang around with Zoisite a lot. I hate that."
"Oh, *right*," replied Tuxedo Malachite angrily. "You're just ticked 'cause I took Zoisite to the annual Nega-Christmas party instead of you!"
"Oh, PLEASE. Get over yourself, pretty boy!"
'My turn!' Litebrite flipped the switch of his panel, making the little lights blink to catch Notoobrite's attention.
"What? Oh, very well, Litebrite."
Litebrite's hands moved very quickly, but it still took a while to spell out the entire content of his message. 'Zoisite! You stole my batteries! My communication is more important than your electric shaver!'
Sailor Zoisite pouted. "I need silky-smooth legs! And it's not like you ever have anything important to say! Don't think I don't remember that stupid duck!"
'And YOU, Malachite,' continued Litebrite, heedless of Zoisite's protests, 'You cost me my place at court! I bet you thought it was real funny, changing my board to say BERYL SUX while I slept!'
Tuxedo Malachite snickered; so did a few of the generals. "Oh, man, the look on your face when she blasted you..."
Saabbite prevented Litebrite from lunging forward. "Wait! You might hurt my darling!"
Striding forward, he faced Tuxedo Malachite fearlessly; his eyes glowed crimson. "Before Litebrite kills you...GIVE..ME....BACK.. ..MY...CAPE!!!!"
"NEVER!" cried Malachite, taking a step back. "It's mine! Mine mine mine!"
"Why you -" Raising his hand, Saabbite's eyes glowed with evil energy. Sailor Zoisite screamed shrilly.
"Wait!" yelled Mercury again.
Saabbite swore. "WHAT?"
"You haven't told us why you hate Zoisite!"
Zoisite snickered. "Yeah...why don't you tell 'em, big boy?"
Saabbite frowned. "I'd...rather not get into that. Suffice to say that VENGEANCE IS MINE!!!! MUAHAHAH!!!"
"Actually," replied Mercury calmly, "it's not yours until the extent of your diabolical plot has been revealed. Until then, you can't kill us."
Again, Saabbite glanced at Notoobrite. She nodded. He cursed.
"Gee, that guy's got a potty-mouth!" observed Sailor Jupiter.
"Very well! I hate Zoisite because..." he trailed off in a mumble. "There. Happy now?"
"Er...I didn't hear what you said," spoke up Sailor Moon. Several of the schoolgirls, unnoticed for the most part but still avidly watching the confrontation, nodded in agreement.
"Oh," said Sailor Zoisite merrily, pink pigtails bouncing, "let me!"
Malachite, knowing what was coming, giggled. Several of the Negaverse generals joined him; even Notoobrite and Litebrite's lips quirked in amusement. The scouts looked confused.
"I told Beryl what his name was!" shrieked Zoisite, barely keeping from collapsing in fits of laughter.
"Shut up!" yelled Saabbite. "And you guys, too! It's not funny!"
"Erm," interjected Sailor Moon, "isn't it Saabbite?"
"Hey," whispered Jupiter, "when did we learn their names?"
"Shhh!" admonished Mars.
Tuxedo Malachite shook his head, shoulders shaking. "No," he choked out, "it's Sssss..." He couldn't get any further. Laughing, he collapsed back against the counter. "It's Sss..."
Zoisite's eyes narrowed maliciously. "It's -"
"NO!" yelled Saabbite. "DON'T!"
"SOFT-AS-A-BABY'S-BOTTOM-ITE!!!" shouted Sailor Zoisite gleefully. The scouts howled with laughter.
Several long moments passed as Saabbite tried, with varying degrees of success, to get everyone - including his own side - to pay attention and stop laughing. Finally, there was silence except for the occasional muffled giggle.
"Alright," began Saabbite darkly, "that's it. Now you know."
This provoked several more snickers from various factions.
"NOW," continued the red-eyed general, deliberately ignoring the merrymakers, "you die." Drawing back his hand, a glowing ball of force began once again to form.
Saabbite raised an eyebrow at Mercury. "Anything ELSE you'd like to say?"
Mercury, frantically flipping through the Fanfic Regulations, cleared her throat nervously. "Um...."
"Too late! MUAHAH!" The glowing force ball, trailing fire, shot straight for Sailor Zoisite and Tuxedo Malachite!
SPLAT!
"ACK!"
"Eeew!"
Zoisite blinked - they hadn't been hit! But what WAS this wet stuff splattered all over the floor (and various Scouts)?
A strange glob of what looked to be melting ice cream sat in the middle of the mess, apparently after having deflected Saabbite's light blob into the now-decimated candy section.
"Like the ice cream headache that really really annoys you," came a voice, "I am....the HAAGEN-DAAS KNIGHT!"
"Huh?" said a whole lot of people simultaneously, craning their necks to look around.
On top of a nearby shelf, a cloaked figure was dramatically silhouetted.
"Oooooh!" sighed Sailor Moon. "It's..."
"It's..."
"DARIEN IN A BEDSHEET?" Indeed, Darien stood proudly clad in large Spiderman pajamas, a white bedsheet (with pink flowers) wrapped securely around his shoulders. In one hand, he held a large tub of Haagen-Daas (chocolate fudge swirl)...in the other, a dripping ice- cream scoop. His sheet - er, cloak - swirled dramatically in nonexistent wind.
Tuxedo Malachite snarled. "Changing his image, eh? Trying to upstage me again! Frank - get me a bedsheet from aisle twelve!" Then, remembering that all his employees were dead, he cursed.
"Uh...nevermind, sweetie," muttered Zoisite, "I don't think this is something you want to copy. Pinball head's finally lost it!"
"FOR HAAGEN-DAAS!," laughed Darien maniacally, hurling ice-cream globs at random into the crowd.
"Eek!"
"Ouch!"
"Someone get that idiot!"
"WATCH IT, Darien! That hurt!"
"Darien, muffin, don't you KNOW me? WAAAAA- mmmmph! Mmmm...chocwat fud swrrr..."
Darien suddenly halted his barrage. "He who fights and runs away, shall eat ice-cream until the grasshoppers play volleyball!" he proclaimed solemnly, before jumping away in search of more ammo. He tossed the empty carton casually over his shoulder; it bopped Sailor Moon on the head.
"Ouch!"
Mars snickered. "At last! Turnabout is fair play, you know!"
"Generals!" yelled Saabbite finally, incredibly frustrated. "That's it! We're all blasting them at once! On the count of three!"
The scouts, incredibly outnumbered, cringed and whined. Tuxedo Malachite clutched his cape; Sailor Zoisite clutched Tuxedo Malachite.
"One!," yelled Saabbite. Litebrite's eyes gleamed malevolently.
"Two!" Notoobrite smirked.
"Five!"
"Three, sir! Three!"
"What?"
"WAIT!!"
"NOW WHAT?????" shrieked Notoobrite, her face changing to an unhealthy-looking shade of purple. She looked to see who was interrupting *this* time.
One of the miscellaneous schoolgirls stepped forward. "We heard that all of the reject generals were banding together, and we got suspicious!"
"Um..." replied Notoobrite.
"Who the hell.." added Saabbite.
'Are you?' completed Litebrite.
"We are..." the girl paused dramatically, "the WANNA-BE SAILOR SCOUTS!! Overused in fanfics everywhere! I am...SAILOR EARTH!"
"I'm Sailor Terra!"
"I'm Sailor Sun!"
"I'm Sailor Sol!"
"I'm Sailor Crab Nebulae!"
"I'm Sailor What's-her-face!"
"I'm Sailor Magus!" The girl with the grayish-green (or was it greenish-gray?) eyes cried, stepping forward.
"I'm Sailor Jade!," an older girl with greenish-white hair, holding a large axe, yelled. Tuxedo Malachite blanched.
"Hey," interrupted Sailor Crab Nebulae, "you're not a scout!"
"So?" replied Jade belligerently. "Neither is Magus! But if she gets to be here plugging 'Sailor Moon Magic', I'm sure gonna put in a mention for 'Red Millennium'!"
"Oh, FINE," sighed Sailor What's-her-face. "While we're being cheap, why not throw in an ad for 'A Day In The Life Of The Negaverse' too? Jeez, you people.."
Jade shrugged. "Either way, my work here is done. And since I'm not, as Neb pointed out, a Sailor Scout, ciao!" She disappeared as suddenly as she'd come.
"Can we get on with this?" asked one of the girls impatiently. "I want to get on with *my* secret identity revealing!"
"Oh, sure." Magus waved a negligent hand and decided to stick around to observe the action.
"Sailor Miscellaneous Comet!"
Saabbite looked nervous. "Um...I think the tables are turning," he whispered anxiously to Notoobrite as the girls continued to make their dramatic pronouncements.
She nodded. "Litebrite!"
The brown-haired man slouched his way over. "Litebrite," ordered Notoobrite, "initiate Plan B!"
He nodded, and moved off to pass on his message to Healthylite.
The five original Scouts cheered as their newfound allies began transforming, in a haze of light and swirly things.
The twenty or so Negaverse generals were now faced by around thirty Sailor Scouts; they milled about nervously.
"Hey, Negascum!" shouted the Wanna-Bes with an eerie simultaneity. Their voices quickly diverged into chaos as they each leapt into their appropriate speeches; all others winced and covered their ears.
"Hey!" One of the new Scouts, apparently done her speech early, tugged at Sailor Moon's arm.
"YEAH?" she yelled over the din.
"WHY NOT JUST USE THE CRYSTAL NOW, AND AVOID THE MESSY AND TEDIOUS FIGHT SCENE?"
"WHAT? I'LL *DIE*!!"
"OH, RIIIIGHT. HAVE YOU EVER -" The girl broke off as her compatriots finished their respective entrance scenes, all ending in dramatic poses. "Have you ever," she continued more quietly, "died before?"
"Huh?" Sailor Moon thought about it.
"Hey, she's right!" said Mercury. "Why the heck do we always freak out, anyway? Go ahead, Sailor Moon!"
"Oh...well, OK!"
"HAH!" yelled Saabbite in glee, "PLAN B!"
Whipping out automatic weapons from some weird place (probably the same place Sailor Moon kept her sceptre and other assorted accessories), the Negaversites pointed them at the Scouts.
"Ready!" yelled Notoobrite.
"Aim!"
With a shrug, Sailor Moon took out the Imperium Silver Crystal and threw it at Saabbite's face.
"SERENA!" yelled Mars, appalled. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
Sailor Moon giggled. "How else am I s'posed to use the crystal?"
Saabbite barely had time to narrow his eyes in a dangerous and intimidating manner before the crystal smacked him in the face, instantly knocking him back into a stereo display. With paranormal accuracy, the diamond-like gem hurtled from one general to another, wreaking havoc and damage wherever it hit.
Finally ending up in the already-damaged candy section, it knocked over all the shelves with a thundering crash and a rain of chocolate-covered almonds.
Jupiter eyed the downed generals, the majority of whom were lying unconscious. A hardy few groaned and rolled around in pain, but that was about it. "Hey," she said, impressed. "Pretty nice, Sailor Moon!"
"For that, I won't even tease you if you want to eat those almonds," added Mars. "Although...they are on the floor..and you don't know *where* people's feet have been..."
"Um...guys?" Sailor Venus stood over Sailor Moon's prone form.
"Hey..." said Sailor Sol, "that's not supposed to happen! Where's the miraculous saving of her life?"
Sailor Miscellaneous Comet, grabbing a long stick from a broken display, gingerly poked at Sailor Moon.
"Hey, stop that!" said Mercury.
"I don't want to touch her if she's dead! EEEEW!!!"
"Ick...good point." Mercury also grabbed up a stick and began to poke. "Hey, Sailor Moon, wake up!"
Fifteen minutes and many pokes later, the Scouts finally had to admit that Sailor Moon had ACTUALLY DIED FROM USING THE SILVER CRYSTAL.
Venus scowled. "This isn't right!!"
"It's against all the regulations! Sailor Moon is never supposed to permanently die!" To prove her point, Mercury held up the Fanfic Regulations, opened to the last page. In very large bold print, it stated: "NEVER KILL OFF SAILOR MOON!! OR ELSE!! YOU'LL REALLY REALLY REGRET IT!!!"
"Alright," yelled Mars, "THAT'S IT!" Raising her eyes upward, she shook her fist at the ceiling. "YOU THREE GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!! YOU'VE GONE WAAAAY TOO FAR!!!"
"Uh..Mars?"
"Shh, Jupiter! She's talking to the authors!"
On the side, Tuxedo Malachite frowned. "Authors?"
Sailor Zoisite glanced up at him. "Didn't you get the memo?"
Mars yelled again.
For a brief moment, nothing happened.
"HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU THREE!"
"So talk, already," came a voice from behind the Scouts. They whirled to face two figures who were standing near Saabbite's prone body.
One was a rather short girl with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing a bright orange shirt that inexplicably had the word "Laundry" written on the upper left chest. She fidgeted about in a rather hyper manner, a deranged grin on her face.
The second was a taller and slightly older girl, also with shoulder-length brown hair. She was notable only for the black cape around her shoulders; her lips seemed turned in a more-or-less permanent sarcastic smirk.
"Hey," whispered Jupiter to Venus, "shouldn't they be just a tad more impressive?"
The one in the orange shirt frowned. "Hey!" With a gesture and a happy smile, Jupiter was suddenly gagged.
"Aren't there three of you?" asked Mercury suspiciously.
"Hold your horses!," came a voice. "I'm in a different time zone, you know!" A tall girl with short dark blonde hair appeared, wearing a housecoat and carrying a cup of coffee. She did not look particularly pleased. Glancing over at the other two, she frowned. "Isn't this a little self-serving of us?"
The cloaked figure nodded. "Yeah, but no one's going to read this far anyway - and if they do, why shouldn't we have our little dose of fame, eh?"
"These characters are getting a bit uppity, though," noted Orange Shirt. "Should we smite Sailor Mars?"
Housecoat shrugged. "Since she's already dragged me all the way over here, we might as well find out what she wants." Turning to face the scouts, she raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"You killed Sailor Moon!" said Mars indignantly.
"Yeah, and I hate to think of the mail we're going to be getting over *this* one. But what's your point?"
"You can't kill Sailor Moon!" said Venus tearfully. "She was my best friend!"
"Yeah," pointed out Cape Girl, "but now that she's gone, you get to be leader."
"I do?"
"Yep."
"Erm...forget I said anything."
"VENUS!"
"Well, no one ever pays any attention to me! I want a turn!" Venus pouted.
Frowning, Mercury turned to the authors. "But you'll never make it up to the rest of us!" She sniffled. "We love Sailor Moon! Bring her back!"
Housecoat shook her head. "Sorry, it's against our principles. Those who use the crystal are gonna pay the price! No more cop- outs!"
"Yeah," added Sailor Crab Nebulae, "What -"
With a wave of Orange Shirt's hand, the extra scouts and generals disappeared. "Right. Down to the basics."
Mercury, Mars and Jupiter started bawling uncontrollably. Jupiter, still gagged, seemed to be in serious danger of choking to death.
Housecoat put her hands over her ears, slopping coffee on herself in the process. "ARGH!"
Cape Girl whipped out some sort of large heavy object and threw it to land with a 'thud' in front of the Scouts. They stopped crying.
"Um..what's this?" ventured Mercury finally, staring at the suitcase.
"Will a few million in cold hard cash wipe your woes away?"
"Oooooh," exclaimed Mars, opening the case. "Think of the shopping!"
Tuxedo Malachite and Sailor Zoisite, noting that they hadn't had any lines in a while, made exclamations of awe over the money just so no one would forget that they were still there.
"HAAGEN-DAAS!!"
"Oh, MAN! Get him out of here!" shrieked Mercury as the glob of ice cream splatted on the floor beside her, spraying milky stuff all over the bills in her greedy little hands.
Orange Shirt whistled. "Phweeeet! Here, boy!"
Darien, still in pajamas and bedsheet, leapt from behind a shelf to crouch adoringly at her feet. He offered up the ice-cream and scoop.
"Ooooooh, ice cream!" Orange Shirt paused for a quick snack. She stared at Darien's deplorable condition (by this point, the sheet was covered in ice-cream stains; he tried to manage a Hunk Charming Deluxe(tm), but only looked rather like a rabid raccoon). She frowned at Cape Girl. "You're mean, you know that?"
Cape Girl shrugged.
"Hey," said Orange Shirt suddenly, "I just had a thought. If we just killed off Sailor Moon, what happens to Reenie?"
"Who?" asked several of the Scouts simultaneously.
"YES!!" Cape Girl and Housecoat exchanged a Hi-Five, exposing their Project C.U.R.E. decoder rings.
"Uh..."
"What?"
"I think we've created a paradox, guys."
"WHAT?
"Well, Sailor Zoisite's using Chibi-Moon's brooch..and that whole cotton-candy thing..." pointed out Orange Shirt.
From the Mal-Mart loudspeakers, a tinny and mysterious voice spoke. "Fanfic integrity breached. This story will self-destruct in five seconds."
Weird lights began to flash; the universe made creaky noises.
"ACK!!" The Scouts and Tuxedo Malachite screamed and attempted to cram more money into their pockets. Darien giggled.
"Quick, write Sailor Moon back!" yelled Housecoat desperately.
Frantically, Cape Girl lunged for the keyb -
....
THE END
