Tacky Yellow No Name 5
As the sun rose the next morning, Malachite was walking along the street. He was in a foul mood. The cheap motel shampoo had done absolutely nothing for his hair; it had been fried by the electrical charge of an irritated author, and was now confined to a ponytail. It puffed out behind him like some sort of malformed second head; he snarled at the staring passers- by.
If the ex-general hadn't been so self-conscious about his hair, he might have realized that he made a rather startling picture either way. Since there'd been a rather large hole in the chest of his uniform, he'd opted to wear jeans and a cheap blue dress shirt to work this morning. This in itself might not have been exceptional, had he not also decided to wear his cape and boots.
Reaching the front door of Wal-Mart, he used the key that a snivelling Eddie had thrown at him to let himself in. Making straight for the cosmetics department, he did take a moment to notice that some of the changes he'd ordered were now coming into effect.
Two hours later, as the rest of the employees were beginning to trickle into the store, Malachite emerged from the storeroom. After four hot oil treatments, his hair flowed loose and elegant to a point just past his shoulders, shining pale green in the halogen lighting. In a better mood now, he smirked and patted the package that was secreted beneath his cape.
"Um...sir?" The pimply teenager approached him with widened eyes. "The new plaque is on your office door, sir...um...should you be wearing that?"
Malachite snarled. "You will address me as 'Lord Malachite', minimum-wage peon! And from now on, this cape is part of my mandatory uniform. Got it?"
The boy swallowed, a large sweat drop appearing in his hair. "Erm..yes, Lord Malachite!"
He nodded, satisfied. "Good. And the other changes I've ordered?"
"They've started to paint the walls black, but it'll take a while. A few customers have complained about getting paint cans on their heads, si - Lord Malachite, sir. And two people have passed out because of the fumes."
Malachite shrugged. "They took that risk when they chose to shop here! Puny mortal wimps. What else?"
"All the employees with kazoo-playing ability have been fired and replaced with ninjas...all happy faces have been removed from the premises...the "W" in the sign will be turned upside-down as soon as we can get hold of an electrician...and all our customer service guarantees have been revoked."
"Excellent!"
Greatly daring, the boy cleared his throat.
Malachite raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"
"Um...they wanted me to ask you..." Suddenly, the boy paused. "Is 'my lord' OK? I feel stupid just repeating "Lord Malachite" over and over."
Malachite mulled it over. "I guess that would be OK. But how did they send you to ask that when I hadn't even ordered it yet?" Suddenly suspicious, he glared around at all of the employees who were surreptitiously watching him. "SO! A bunch of psychic youma, are you?? WHO SENT YOU?"
"Nonono!" The underling hastened to correct him. "It was just a tangent! Actually, my lord, they sent me to ask you if something could be done about our uniforms!"
Calming, Malachite eyed the boy's blue vest, with its happy yellow lettering, and grimaced. "Have some black t-shirts ordered! And replace that silly slogan! From now on, all shirts will say 'GET IT YOURSELF!' in huge green letters!"
A great cheer went up from all the employees.
"Lord Malachite," whispered the teen, tears in his eyes, "you are a *god*."
Outside the store, a blue Volkswagen Beetle pulled into the parking lot.
'Come on!' urged Litebrite, 'Let's get him!'
Saabbite shook his head. "Not yet! If we wait long enough, he'll lead us straight to that witch Zoisite!"
Notoobrite cackled.
****
Malachite, happily departing on his 3-hour lunch break (it was *great* to be in charge again!), ducked into an alley and pulled out the package that had been thrown at Zoisite the night before. Unfolding the note, he re-examined the scrawling red letters: 'REENY, KNOWN AS CHIBI-MOON, WILL BE PLAYING IN THE CROSSROADS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND TOMORROW AT 11AM. USE THIS WEAPON WISELY. PROJECT C.U.R.E. IS WITH YOU!'
He frowned. Obviously, the author was combining a cheap plug and a quick'n'easy plot device in the same move - he wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Was this genuine, or a trap?
Crossroads Elementary was just up ahead - he supposed it was worth having a look. After all, he was an expert at traps. (Even if none of them had ever worked.)
He wondered why children were playing in the schoolyard during the summer, but realized as he drew closer that they were very young - this must be some sort of day camp. It figured - if *he* had to put up with the little pink girl, he'd certainly ship her off somewhere every chance he got. (Well, actually, he'd probably have killed her long ago. But Serena and her friends were too damn soft!)
He almost gagged as he stepped onto the sand of the playground; the cuteness in the air was overwhelming. Each smiling, happy child made him want to lose the cookies he'd scarfed down for breakfast.
It was impossible to miss the little pink rodent. Smiling charmingly, she sat on the grass at the side of the slides, surrounded by dolls. She held two of them in her pudgy little grasp; one looked to be wearing some sort of ridiculous hat.
"Oh, Darien!" she cried, her sugary tones alarming even the annoying cute children around her. "Now Serena's dead, and we can get married!"
Malachite noticed another doll lay in small pieces beneath the mouth of the slide, where many children had apparently landed on it. Small wisps of blonde plastic hair drifted through the air.
The two dolls kissed. Reeny smiled, little sparkles of happiness dancing in her oblivious red eyes.
Malachite froze, unable to move. The child was too cute! Her aura overwhelmed him - he found himself wanting to sing and dance, cavorting happily about the playground.
His lips began to purse; he fought to keep from whistling a joyously inane tune.
He wished for a gun, so he could shoot himself.
But then, just as Reeny was about to unknowingly escape his planned attack, she went just a bit too far.
Waving the two dolls above her head, she began to sing...
"Rain or shine, I'm happiest, when I'm with Tuxedo Mask! He makes me smile, he makes me laugh.."
With a scream of inarticulate rage, Malachite reached into his cloak and drew out his secret weapon....a small cardboard tube, pointed at one end.
Children screamed and scattered; Reeny finally glanced up, eyes wide.
With a cute little cry, she jumped up and backward, kicking several dolls (in skirts of blue, red and green) at Malachite.
He lunged forward, and drove the open end of the cardboard tube into her hair.
Faster than the eye could see, his arm began to move; colour flared, white and flying swirls of pink.
His maniacal laughter could be heard from almost three blocks away.
Children and day-care workers alike stared in amazement.
As the light - and the laughter - faded, Malachite stood alone next to the large yellow slide. In his hand, he held a huge wad of cotton candy.
Reeny's shoes and clothing lay in a crumpled pile on the ground, next to the scattered dolls.
The cheers could be heard for almost *six* blocks. Even the three figures in the blue Beetle were ecstatic.
Malachite stood by the yellow slide for several minutes, waiting for the author to get past her mental block. Bystanders had begun crowding around at this point, congratulating him on a job well done. At the other side of the playground, two dark figures wearing Project C.U.R.E. badges and decoder rings exchanged knowing looks. The plan had been carried out without incident. The two left the story, secure in the knowledge that yet another Sailor Moon fanfic was now safe for diabetics everywhere.
"Finally!," Malachite said as the author cured her writer's block and his next course of action became apparent. Actually it was so simple that the ex-general was surprised that he hadn't thought of it himself. Malachite took a few bows for his recently-acquired adoring fans and then headed toward the motel room where Zoisite sat waiting for him.
Saabbite, Litebrite and Notoobrite ducked behind a bush as Malachite dashed out of the playground, his cape billowing dramatically behind him. Saabbite stifled a sob as the other man ran past their hiding place and, without thinking, began to reach towards him. He was tackled by Litebrite who began plugging words angrily into the panel around his neck.
'What on *earth* do you think you're doing?'
"I was only after what's rightfully mine!," he said after Malachite was out of earshot.
"Don't be stupid!," Notoobrite cut in, "If we get Malachite now then we might never find that wannabe witch Zoisite!" Her eyes sparkled dangerously. "If he hadn't...."
"Hey, shut up! You made your point."
"What difference does it make if I say why I hate Zoisite?"
"For starters, we already know and we're sick of hearing about it."
'Right!,' Litebrite's hands flew across the black panel, forming words. 'And secondly, you'll spoil it for the audience.....you'd better read the Fanfic Regulations concerning "surprising revelations" again.'
"Fine...fine," Notoobrite said, hurriedly. "Let's just get to the car or Malachite's going to get away. Where did you park, Saabbite?"
"Just around the corner," he said as the three of them dashed toward the blue Beetle. "Hey! What's this?" Saabbite snatched a white piece of paper out from under the windshield wiper.
"Let me see that!" Notoobrite grabbed the paper from the dark-haired man. "A PARKING TICKET!!! You *dolt*! Didn't you put any change in the meter?"
"Hey! OW!" Saabbite shouted, trying to duck as Notoobrite cuffed him in the back of the head. "I didn't have any quarters! And the ones we keep in the car are gone because *someone* had to play the new Sailor V video game for two hours this morning!"
"Just get in the car and drive!" she growled. The three generals crowded into the tiny blue car, trying to arrange themselves comfortably before beginning their chase anew. Malachite was still visible in the distance, the sun glaring white off his cape and hair. Saabbite grabbed the car keys and turned them in the ignition and......<dramatic pause>... ...nothing happened.
"What's wrong *now*?" Notoobrite groaned.
"Uhh...<heh> it seems that we're....uhh..<heh heh>.. ...uh...out of gas?" Saabbite said in a very small voice.
"WHAT!!!!!!" Notoobrite raged, her features taking on a super-deformed look.
"Don't look at me!" Saabbite yelled, waving his arms as frantically as was possible in the confined space of the car. "Litebrite filled the tank thi........" He stopped in mid-sentence and the two turned to look at Litebrite who was, unsuccessfully, cowering in the back seat of the car.
'Ooops,' he wrote in very tiny light bulbs.
"I'll show you 'oops' you big jerk!" Notoobrite shouted, gathering energy between her palms. "METEOR...."
"Not in the car!" Saabbite screamed, trying to untangle his arms from his seatbelt. Pedestrians watched from a safe distance. It wasn't every day you saw a thunderstorm occur inside a blue Volkswagen Beetle.
****
In another part of Tokyo, Serena was dwelling on her recent break-up with Darien and searching for a sugar high to use as a quick-fix for her problems. Lita, Ami, Raye and the other one were following her around, doing their best to cheer her up.
"Hey! I'm getting shafted in this fanfic!"
"Did you say something, Mina?" Raye asked.
"Never mind."
"I just can't believe it!" Serena moaned. "We just got back together and now I've lost him again. I'm just going to eat my troubles away...."
"Oh Serena!" Lita said. "Don't worry about it. This happens all the time. Give it a few days and you'll be back together again. It'll be like none of this ever happened."
"No it won't, Lita!" Serena wailed. "Ever since that brat Reeny showed up, Darien's been acting strange. He's never gonna speak to me againnnnnn.....WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"Speaking of Reeny," Ami put in. "I haven't seen her around lately. Does anyone know where she is?"
"......WWAAAAAAAAHHHHH!......"
"I haven't seen her since we threw her out of the bus the other night, thank goodness." Raye put in.
"......WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!......"
(The author pauses to smack her dorky brother for teasing her about writing a Sailor Moon fanfic.)
"Why do you want to know where she is, anyway?" Lita asked.
".......WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH...."
"Oh, I don't want to find her," Ami said, blushing. "I just think it will be easier to avoid her if we know where she is."
".....wwaaaaaaaaaahhhhh......"
"Hey, I saw her at..." Mina tried to say.
"As long as she isn't here, I don't care." Raye said.
".......waaahh....<whew>" Serena, out of breath, finally stopped crying and rejoined the conversation. Luna and Artemis, following some distance behind, exchanged a look. They had been telling everyone that the best way to handle Serena's crying jags was to ignore them. It was nice to be right.
"I was *saying*...." Mina attempted a second time.
"Sorry Mina, were you saying something?" Lita asked.
"I give up," the other girl sighed. Silence fell for a moment as the author tried to collect her thoughts and remember what her point was. Finally Ami decided to speak up.
"So what do we do now?"
"I'm really not sure actually," Luna said as she and Artemis caught up with the five girls. "There hasn't been too much out of the ordinary happening around here lately....."
"Yeah, Luna," Raye said. "Except for bumping into Malachite and Zoisite and that whole party crashing scene the other night, everything's been normal. Who exactly are we supposed to be fighting here anyway?"
"Well, as far as I can see the only evil around here is that pink-haired little spore," Serena muttered. "Who does she think she is.....stealing *my* boyfriend....."
"But we can't fight *her*....She's just a little kid....." Lita said. Suddenly all conversation stopped and the girls turned to look at Raye. The raven-haired girl had stopped walking about ten steps behind the others and was standing perfectly still.
"What is it, Raye?" they asked in unison.
"I feel a great disturbance in the Fo.....I mean, I sense something. It's like a great evil was here and then just disappeared....."
"Which way?" Luna asked.
"Quick!" Raye shouted. "The playground!"
As the five girls transformed and dashed towards the elementary school, they all wondered what lay ahead of them. Mercury, Mars and Jupiter all wondered if they were *finally* going to get a little excitement. Venus wondered if someone would finally pay attention to her in the next scene. Sailor Moon wondered if Tuxedo Mask would show up and give her a chance to make up with him.
In another part of the city, high above the ground, Tuxedo Mask also sensed that something was amiss. He bounded gracefully from rooftop to rooftop, a method of travel which was quicker than running and more dramatic than taking the bus. Appearances counted, after all.
And so the five scouts, their feline guardians and Tuxedo Mask all ran headlong, through the city of Tokyo, toward their destinies........
****
What they actually ran headlong into were Malachite and Zoisite.
As the result of an unusual set of circumstances, found only in fanfics, Tuxedo Mask decided to jump down from the rooftops at the corner where the scouts and the two ex-generals were about to bump into each other. The final product was a jumble of arms and legs in which Tux got the worst end of the bargain. He had the misfortune of being crushed between Sailor Jupiter and Malachite, who were the forerunners in each group, and from there everyone else landed on top of them.
"OW!"
"Hey! Watch where you're going!"
"Get your hand off my-"
"Not the panty shot *again*!"
"My face!"
"Whose leg is this?"
"That's *not* my leg, you pervert!"
"I can't breathe!"
"Glah!"
After several minutes of trying to figure out which body part belonged to whom, the six humans, two Negaversites and two felines finally managed to untangle themselves and took a moment to check themselves for injuries. Most of the party appeared to be unscathed except for Zoisite, who was nursing a scratch on his cheek and Tuxedo Mask, who was lying, unconscious, on the ground. The scouts and their guardians were huddled around Tuxedo Mask, trying to revive him, while Malachite was huddled off to one side, mumbling to himself.
"My darling! Are you alright?" he questioned urgently.
"No, I'm not alright!"
"Hunh? Did you say something, Zoisite?"
"I said, I'm not alright! Just look at my face!"
"Oh, that's rough.....AAUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHH!" Malachite let out a scream of despair. Zoisite hurried over to him.
"What is it? Are you okay?"
"MY CAPE! THEY PUT A WRINKLE IN IT!!!"
"What?????"
"This is not happening.....this is *not* happening!"
"My face is scratched and you're worried about that stupid cape????!??"
"Capes like this don't grow on trees, you know!"
Zoisite threw up his hands in disgust. "My mother warned me about this but would I listen? NooooOOOOooooo. Come on, snap out of it, Malachite!"
"Oh, will you ever billow again, my darling?"
"I SAID, SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!" shouted Zoisite, grabbing Malachite by the front of his shirt and shaking him until his head was spinning.
"T-tthank you dear.......I needed that......"
"Anytime. Now, let's get back to business." Malachite and Zoisite walked over to where the scouts now had a dazed Tuxedo Mask sitting in an upright position.
"Oh Darien," Sailor Moon was saying. "Don't you remember? It's me....Serena."
"Serena?.....Darien?......I've never heard these names before."
"Oh damn! Not again! Finding that loose screw is going to be like looking for a needle in a haystack!" The five scouts began searching the ground frantically for the screw which had fallen out of Darien's scalp, while he began spouting flowery speeches to whoever would listen.
"....the courageous soul of Darien, who fights the Negaverse......"
"C'mon guys.....Search harder!" Sailor Moon moaned.
"......like a cool wind that blows across the desert......"
The five scouts bent to their task, searching every square inch of the sidewalk for the tiny metal screw. Finally Malachite could contain himself no longer.
"I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE....." he managed to jeer before Zoisite sent him flying into the side of a building.
"Remember why we're here, honey..." Zoisite growled through clenched teeth.
"Yes, dear," Malachite said meekly. He stepped up to the scouts just as one of them gave a shout of glee.
"Yaaahhhhoooo! I found it!" Sailor Venus called, brandishing the tiny screw over her head.
"Quick, give it here!"
"......do I know you?....."
"Where does it go?"
"In that little hole over his right ear."
"Anybody got a screwdriver?"
"Sorry...."
"Oh well, here goes....." Sailor Moon sighed as she tried to tighten the screw with her fingernail. Not perfect but it would have to do for the time being.
"Who?what?where?why?when?" Tuxedo Mask looked around frantically as his memories came flooding back. Seeing that he was in no immediate danger, he calmed down quickly and tried to piece together what had happened. He finally focused on Sailor Moon who was getting all misty-eyed over having Tux regain his memories (again). "Oh Serena, it's you."
"Oh Darien!" Sailor Moon flung her arms around him. "I thought I was going to lose you again." (and again, and again.......)
"It's okay now, Serena." he said. "But could you tell me something? Were we on again or off when I was knocked out? I can't seem to remember...."
"Oh, you had du...I mean, we were doing just fine. The perfect couple."
"Oh..well, uh.....good....I think." As Darien tried to collect his thoughts, Malachite and Zoisite decided to break into the conversation. They both cleared their throats rather noisily and waited for someone to notice them. Sailor Moon looked up to see who had the gall to interrupt her tearful reunion with Tuxedo Mask.
"Oh, it's you again. What's up?" she asked. Sweat drops appeared on the heads of the two ex-generals. Malachite stepped forward.
"Um, pardon us for bothering you again but we have come to make an offering which may make you reconsider your decision to not let us join the Sailor Scouts." From within the folds of his cape, Malachite drew the (miraculously unscathed) pink cotton candy. Sailor Mars gasped and backed away but before she had the chance to issue a warning, Sailor Moon had already snatched it away from Malachite.
"You brought me cotton candy??!!??" she squealed joyfully. "You're in!"
"But..." Malachite tried to say as Sailor Moon began wolfing down the pink fluff.
"Sailor Moon!"
"Don't touch it! It's evil!" Mars shouted. But it was too late. Sailor Moon had eaten the candy in two seconds flat. The scouts waited expectantly, uncertain of what would happen next. Malachite and Zoisite, both being aware of what the contents of the cotton candy had been, looked slightly ill. Sailor Moon licked her fingers contentedly.
"Wow! Major sugar hit! Sorry Mars, what were you saying about evil?" Mars was staring at Sailor Moon with a shocked look on her face. "What is it, Mars? By the way, thanks Malachite. That's got to be the sweetest, pinkest cotton candy I've ever eaten. Where'd you get it?"
Malachite's mouth was moving but no words came out.
"He got it from the playground, Serena," Mars said quietly.
"Oh, is there a new stand out there?"
"Uh, no. Sailor Moon, when I said that stuff was evil, I meant *really* evil."
"What are you saying, Mars?"
"I'm saying, the only other time I've come across that much concentrated evil was when we've had to deal with Reeny."
"Oh, where is the little spore anyway?"
"She's closer than you think," Malachite finally managed to get out.
"You mean....." Serena, with a remarkable amount of insight, finally put two and two together. Once again, the great cosmic orchestra was cued and dramatic music began to play. Dunh- Dunh-Dunh-DUUUUUUUNNNNNHHHHHHH!
And there was much rejoicing.
