Tacky Yellow No Name 2
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Somehow, a pained scream had not been the reaction Zoisite was expecting at Malachite's first sighting of the new living room furniture.
"What?" he asked, mildly irritated. "You don't like the colour?"
Zoisite himself thought that the teal of the sofa only served to bring out the alluring blue in Malachite's hair, but he didn't say so.
Malachite stood in the open doorway, his Wal-Mart vest dangling limply from one arm. His eyes were wide with shock; the sweat-drop on his head was so huge it almost obscured his face.
With a zombie-like stare, his eyes roved over Zoisite's new purchases: the couch, the easy chair, the microwave, the drapes, the forest-green carpet, the fruit dehydrator, the CD tower (half full), the garment bags thrown over the chair, the deluxe backscratcher with hula-hoop attachment...
The car in the driveway had been worth at least $50,000.
"Please," he choked finally, "say you stole these."
Zoisite shook his head.
"Say you stole the credit cards!"
At this, his partner nodded eagerly.
With a sigh of relief, Malachite threw himself down on the new couch, tossing the Wal-Mart vest on the floor. "In that case, bring me my cape."
His hands were shaking as he took the folds of material from Zoisite - stroking the fabric, he felt his nerves calm. "Ah, sweet cloak - if only the fashion of this world was more accepting of you!" With a deep breath, he lay back into the soft comfort of the cushions and smiled. "So...where *did* you get the credit cards from?"
"Your wallet," replied Zoisite with a grin. "Mine maxed out yesterday."
From the depths of the couch, there came a strangled sob. He had only come home for his lunch break...this just wasn't fair.
****
Mina and Raye waved as Ami, Lita, Luna, and Artemis walked up to them.
"Hey guys, where were you going?" Mina scrambled to be first to talk.
"We were just looking for Serena and Darien to bug 'em a little," Lita said cheerily.
"That Darien was such a cutie," Raye sighed.
"Once we get there, we'll be nice and together, so we can get attacked and liven up the fanfic with a fight scene, hopefully," Luna said.
"What could possibly attack us?" Ami wondered.
Artemis coughed. "I don't think the author knows yet.....but I'm sure something will turn up."
"Sounds like fun!" Mina agreed.
****
Malachite, back at work, groaned as Eddie Krabsek, his annoyingly perky manager, ran over, grinning as usual.
"Hey, Malcolm! Phone for you, but make it snappy, 'cause there's more people to spread friendly Wal-Mart cheer to!" He pranced off. Malachite glared at the retreating young man's back. Malcolm? He had distinctly said, "Malachite" when asked his name, and on his application form. Somehow, Eddie had just decided to call him Malcolm. Malachite guessed it was some kind of mental barrier humans had. In any case, he would dearly love to give Eddie a good kick in the posterior.
"Hello, Malachite speaking," he said into the phone. Then he realized he was holding it the wrong way, cleared his throat, and tried again.
"Hello, it's Malachite."
"Malachite! Why aren't you making more money?!" Zoisite sounded peeved. "I need a new CD player in the car."
"I told you to return all that!" Malachite shrieked, longing for his cape.
"I won't! MAKE MORE MONEY!" Zoisite yelled and hung up. Malachite suddenly wished Beryl was there to kick Zoisite around for him.
"I need a job that pays better," he mumbled. Suddenly, he noticed Eddie, re-arranging a display of Kleenex.
Malachite laughed maniacally, startling several customers.
****
Darien and Serena were enjoying some lovely sundaes (well, Darien was eating a sundae, Serena was eating three), sitting in a booth in their usual haunt.
"Hi, Serena! Hi Darien!" called a mellow voice. The couple (for now, at least) turned and saw Andrew walking over.
"Andrew! Why don't you sit down?" Serena invited. Andrew grinned and slid in next to her.
"Gee, Andrew.... your hair looks just like Darien's," Serena said.
Darien's eyes narrowed as he stared at Andrew's head and his gears started turning (literally, remember). Hair... hair.... hair...
"Andrew, do you have a little screwdriver with you, like the one you use to pry stuck coins from the arcade games?" Andrew obligingly reached into his apron and withdrew a minuscule screwdriver, which he handed to Darien. He kept his hands in the apron (no one was quite sure why).
Darien polished the screwdriver a little (Andrew kept the strangest stuff in that apron) and inserted it into a small screw located on his scalp. He tightened the screw for a few moments, scrutinizing Andrew's hair (the screw would untighten within minutes). Andrew and Serena didn't seem to notice this, as they were eating his sundae.
Darien muttered something.
"What was that, Darien?" Andrew inquired innocently.
"I, uh, well, I.... dammit, Andrew, do you always HAVE to be my hair twin?!"
"I am not!" Andrew protested.
"Look, you even have the flipped up piece. I made that up, you know I did! You know it took me three hours of frantically trying different amounts of mousse and hair spray!"
"Mine just flips up naturally!" Andrew said, shifty-eyed.
"What BS! You're such a wannabe!"
"UM, geez, why is the window all fogged up like that?" Andrew said quickly, changing the subject. Darien and Serena turned to look out the window. Andrew was right. For some odd reason, it was all fogged up. As they watched with amazement, two round circles were wiped clear and Mina and Raye waved at them, blushing. The trio (two with remarkably similar hair) waved back. Mina and Raye walked into the shop, whispering to each other.
"I told you, Raye! Stop looking at Darien like that!"
"Shut up, Mina! You stop looking at Andrew!"
"I was not!"
"OH, face it, those two are the hunkiest guys around and we can't have either of them!"
"What about Chad?"
"His hair isn't as cool!"
"Hi guys!" Mina said in her usual perky voice.
"Hi!" Raye echoed as she plunked down next to Darien, who looked distinctly uncomfortable. Mina squished in next to Andrew. Ami, entering the shop, noted the lack of space and prudently pulled up a chair. Lita, not as observant, crushed poor Darien into the corner as she sat down next to Raye.
Andrew and Darien proceeded to have a Hunk Charming Deluxe (TM) duel as they tried to establish positions as lead male.
"Mina, maybe you should wipe that drool off your chin," Serena said in a stage whisper, jabbing Mina's side with her finger, across Andrew.
Two small cats under the table sighed.
"They're so silly," said the white one, Artemis.
"GFIEWYGFSKC!" gagged the black one, Luna.
"What?" Artemis said, concerned.
"GUWGKUDWIDW!" Luna gagged. She choked and something wet and round popped out of her mouth.
"Oh, hairball," Artemis said sympathetically.
****
Malachite knocked on the door marked, 'MANAGER, EDDIE KRABSEK' (it had a little happy face sticker next to the title), then opened it.
Eddie sat at a small desk in the closet-sized room, playing a kazoo.
"Hi sir... what are you doing?"
Eddie quickly put the kazoo away and coughed. "Nothing. What is it, Malcolm?" he said cheerily, grinning.
Malachite laughed maniacally again.
"Gleep!" Eddie cowered under his desk.
****
Outside the office, a man in a long brown trenchcoat with brown hair and brown eyes was studying packages of batteries intently. He was rather non-descript, so the author won't even bother, except for the unusual item he wore.
It was a flat black board, perhaps twelve inches by nine inches, covered completely in small, evenly spaced holes. This board hung from the man's neck by a brown (again with the brown!) cord, though the trenchcoat was a feeble attempt at covering it up.
His eyes widened as he heard the maniacal laughter. He crept closer to the door and peered in, watching as Malachite blasted Eddie Krabsek with dark energy.
A hand reached into a pocket and produced small coloured pegs of transparent plastic. He absently stuffed them into holes on his board with remarkable speed.
'OOOOH?', they spelled.
The maniacal laughter was heard again, and the man crouched behind the display of batteries again as Malachite (here, of all places!) strutted by, after tearing the happy face sticker from the door. A low moan was heard from the office.
The man's face lit up with a large grin as he stuffed a few packages of batteries into his pocket and walked from the store, fingers plugging more pegs into the board around his neck.... 'MWA-HAHA!'
****
Later that day, in a well furnished apartment in the "rich" section of Tokyo, the mysterious brown man who had been swiping batteries from Wal-Mart was having a heated conversation with a sharply dressed individual. A television set blared in the background with re-runs of "Pinky and the Brain" while an unidentified figure made notes on how to take over the world. (Everyone needs a hobby.)
'I'm telling you, I saw one of them when I was picking up batteries!' The non-descript individual's hands flew like the wind, arranging the multicoloured lights into words. 'I'd know that hair anywhere!'
"Do you honestly expect me to believe that the all-powerful Malachite is a clerk at the local Wal-Mart? I thought such menial tasks were below him." The other man was just as striking as the first was non-descript. Tall and muscular in build, with jet-black hair falling past his shoulders, Saabbite had been considered one of the more handsome occupants of the Negaverse (when there has been a Negaverse to occupy.) His narrowed eyes glowed red as he glared at his companion. Actually they glowed red all the time, as it was his natural eye colour. There were those who claimed that he used coloured contacts to produce the effect but none felt secure enough in their fighting abilities to say so to his face. But this is neither here nor there......(The author pulls away from her tangent with great effort.)
'Listen....' An odd thing to say coming from someone who doesn't speak, Saabbite thought. 'I know what I saw. The hair...the eyes....the build...everything was right. Oh, and of course the fact that he was pummelling some kazoo player with Dark Energy.'
"I see."
"Believe it, Saabbite." The two men turned as the third person left the TV and joined them. Her knee-high boots had given no warning of her approach and the black uniform she wore was not exactly eye catching. A long braid of waist-long, navy-blue hair fell over her right shoulder. Her eyes appeared, at first glance, to be a pale gray but closer inspection revealed them to be silver. It gave her an eerie sci-fi appearance which had made her the staring contest champion of the Negaverse. Even Saabbite could only look her in the eye for a few minutes tops.
"What have you discovered, Notoobrite?" Saabbite made a rather dramatic turn-and-pose move, designed to impress and intimidate. The effect was lost on the other two, however. He sighed. His dramatic poses had been missing something ever since.....ever since.... Saabbite winced and shied away from painful memories. Snapping out of his reverie, he realized that Notoobrite had not given him an answer.
"Well?"
"Well, what?" Notoobrite folded her arms and gave Saabbite a smug, I-know-something-you-don't-know look.
"WHAT have you discovered?" Saabbite was swiftly becoming annoyed.
"What do we say?" Notoobrite shook her finger at her companion.
Saabbite gritted his teeth. "....please.....," he mumbled under his breath.
"Pardon me?" Notoobrite said. "I didn't quite catch that."
"PLEASE tell me what you discovered."
"Very good, Saabbite," she said, as if speaking to a small child. "We may be beings of absolute evil and corruption but that's no excuse for bad manners."
The word(?) 'Snnrk' flashed off to one side, catching Notoobrite's attention. "That's enough out of you, Litebrite. I seem to remember *someone* going without dessert for talking with his mouth full."
'But.....'
"I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH." The panel of lights around Litebrite's neck immediately went dead. He knew better than to mess with Notoobrite when she was riled. She was small but wiry.
"Now, as I was about to say....Litebrite was quite correct in saying that Malachite is employed at the Wal-Mart. I've done a little poking around and it seems that Zoisite has an expensive little habit that Malachite is footing the bill for."
"And that is....." Saabbite's mind raced through the possibilities.
"Plastic."
"Ahhh....." Saabbite nodded knowingly.
"I see you get my drift."
"Say no more."
"Wink, wink, nudge nudge."
"Say no more...say no more."
"A wink's as good as a nod....."
"Say no more."
'I don't get it.' Litebrite interjected.
Notoobrite stared at him incredulously. "You mean you've never watched Monty Python?"
Litebrite rolled his eyes in disgust, his hands flying to plug in the tiny light bulbs. 'No,' he wrote in an annoyed fashion. ' I mean I don't get the "plastic". What does he do? Take it orally? Injections? What?'
Notoobrite exchanged a look with Saabbite. Litebrite must have burnt out more than his batteries in the past few days.
"No, Litebrite. I mean credit cards. In the time since those two arrived on earth, Zoisite has maxed out four major credit cards under his name and two under Malachite's. By the time he's done they won't have enough credit rating to get a Zellers More Card. Malachite's working at Wal-Mart to try and keep up with the bills."
"So how did you get all this information anyway?"
"I got a job with the repossessors. They've got a list a mile long on those two. And guess what else..."
"What?"
'?'
"*I've* got an address."
'Woohoo!' Litebrite flashed in tiny red and white bulbs.
"Notoobrite....I'd give you a raise if I were actually paying you." Saabbite gave his most sincere insincere smile. Notoobrite decided she wouldn't hold her breath.
"OK guys. Change into your party clothes in preparation for tonight."
"Why? What are we going to do tonight?," Saabbite and Litebrite asked simultaneously.
"Same thing we do every night."
They both gave her a blank look. "Uh, refresh my memory," Sabbite said, raising one eyebrow in a Spock-like manner.
"Try to take over the world!!!," she said, laughing maniacally. "Oh no, wait. That's tomorrow night.....Tonight we're going to pay a little visit to our good friends Malachite and Zoisite." Her laughter could still be heard as the author moved on to a much-neglected part of the story.
****
Serena and her friends were seated in a booth of their favourite restaurant, junking out on chocolate sundaes. It was uncertain whether they had been sitting there all this time or if they had simply all happened to return there at this point in the story, but either way all those involved were getting pretty tired of doing nothing all the time.
Andrew, out of sheer boredom, finally got up and, saying his goodbyes, headed back to the arcade.
"Hey, how come he gets to leave?" Serena whined.
"I hear you," Lita said. "My rear end is numb from all this sitting around."
"Hey you! Get to work!" Raye shouted angrily.
Everyone momentarily forgot about his or her own discomfort, thinking that Raye had finally lost it.
"Uhhhh....who are you talking to, Raye?" Ami ventured timidly. She normally tried to stay out of the line of fire as far as Raye's temper was concerned but worry for her friend overshadowed that for the moment.
"The author, of course."
"Hunh?," everyone asked simultaneously, with sweat drops.
"What author, Raye?" Mina asked.
"One of the ones writing this fanfic. She's right up there, twiddling her thumbs."
"Hey, you're right," Serena said, amazed.
"Hey you!" Lita called up. "Which one are you anyway?"
"I AM CALLED THE GREAT ONE!" A rather deep and official sounding voice boomed.
"It must be Bain. The other two don't have egos that big, do they?" Darien asked.
"I HEARD THAT." The colour of Darien's jacket instantly shifted from green to fluorescent plaid.
"Hey, that's a neat trick." Serena giggled. "How did you do it?"
"AS ONE OF THE AUTHORS I AM ENDOWED WITH PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS."
"Pardon?"
"I AM OMNIPOTENT."
"Wha?"
"I GET TO DO WHATEVER I WANT."
"Cool."
"If you're so "all-powerful"," Lita cut in, "then why aren't you giving us a better part in this fanfic?"
"Yeah, we need a little excitement too, you know," Raye snapped.
"YOU MUST HAVE PATIENCE. THERE IS A LOT OF BACKGROUND WORK REQUIRED IN A JOB OF THIS MAGNITUDE."
"Yeah, right. You just can't think of anything interesting for us to do."
"Couldn't you at least give us a sub-plot to deal with for now?"
"Anything's better than nothing."
"And give *me* a big part!" Mina pleaded.
The girls started in on a chorus of pleas for excitement while Darien tried, unsuccessfully, to dispose of his jacket. The author grew frustrated and finally gave in.
"OH ALL RIGHT. YOU WANT SOME EXCITEMENT? IT'S HEADING YOUR WAY."
The Scouts cheered.
"YEEESH, WHAT A BUNCH OF SOREHEADS," the author said as she returned to her typing.
"I wonder what's going to happen now," Darien asked, relieved that his jacket had finally changed back to its original colour. No sooner had he spoken than a pink blur crashed through the entrance of the ice-cream parlour and latched itself onto Darien's arm.
"Mamo-cha.......I mean, Darien!"
"Eeep!" Darien shook his arm, trying desperately to remove the small, pink child(?) that currently had a death grip on his wrist. The five girls stared in disbelief.
"She wouldn't have....."
"It cannot be!"
"Impossible."
"NoooooooOOOOooooo!!!!!!"
"A little help here, guys," called Serena, who was trying to pry Reeny away from Darien with a crowbar. "The little fungus has a grip like iron."
"Leave me alone!," shouted Reeny, her red eyes glinting. (Eeeeviiiiilllll!) "Darien's mine now."
It took all five girls and Darien's free arm to pry the child away from him. Reeny shot across the room like a cannon ball to land behind the counter, while the others fell in a heap on the floor. Serena was on her feet in an instant. Normally she was the clumsiest of the group but, when properly motivated, the meatball-headed girl could manage to avoid her trademark klutz attacks.
"Quick guys! Let's make a run for it while she's down!" With that, Serena dashed out the door with Darien in tow and the four other girls close behind. Five seconds later Reeny had recovered and was in hot pursuit. As the five girls and Darien raced through downtown Tokyo they tried desperately to catch the attention of the other two authors. With any luck they would remove Reeny post- haste. Excitement was dealing with Queen Beryl; dealing with Reeny was beyond torture.
