53. Worst of Ajit's Phattas - Play in One Act
WARNING: If Narayan Raja and Hemendra Godbole can do it, so can I ! What follows is a compendium of some of the most contrived, most punchless phattas of all time. What do you expect ? This ain't no rec.humor.funny. The post is in ajitish (an Indo-Aryan language which is part hindi, part english and part grunt) and a sort of a translation is provided at the end.
Scene
Ajit's den. A variety of people such as the hero and the heroine and assorted associates of the good people are tied to various objects. Ajit and his balding, foreign looking henchmen are making final preparations.
AJIT: "Raabert, isko Electric Chair mein bandh do, aur apna Cray computer ko 'aan' kar ke Superconducting cable se nooclear bijlee chalaado, aur ..."
RAABERT: "Rukho boss, yeh to already tickeled to death...."
AJIT: "Aur woh saala, doosra sonafabitch bhi hai. Usko rassi se baandh kar apna loyen aur leyopard (lion and leopard) ke pinjra mein daal do. Un jaanvaron ko bhi high fiber diet mil jayega. Apna loyen bhi dandyloyen hai."
"Nahin, Raabert, on second thought, isko Middle Eastern restaurant le chalo. Magar Falafil sandwich math khilao. 'Humous' khilao aur khane ke baath post-humous ho jayega."
"Ab to Hero saabka mauka hai. Raabert, time bomb le ao. Apna Hero saabko time bomb ke saath bandh do. Timer ko teek das bajhe set kar do. nahin nahin. Yeh to saala sub cheez hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth bhi late hone do. Timer ko panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area hai. Ha haa ha. Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega. Aur iska dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhatakega. Tum agar paas me khade hoge to tereko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega"
RAABERT: "Magar Baaaass, woh to quartz digital ghadi hai. Tic tic tic nahin karegi. Battery se chalti hai".
AJIT: "Arre, pagla, yeh to 'assault and battery' thodi hai. Jaake cuckoo ghadi leke aao. Bomb ke saath cuckoo bhi mar jayega aur yeh ulloo bhi mar jaayega. Two birds in one stone."
AJIT: "Mona daarrling, tum nahane jao. Michael tum bhi saath jao. Aur mere King Cobra ko lekar uske daanth ki safai bhi kar do."
"Mona daaling, tum Tony ke saath math jao. Agar jaogi to tum, MonaTony ho jaogi. Lisa ke saath jao aur MonaLisa ban jao. Lisa daaarrling. Come here baby. Abhey Micheal, idhar aa jao. In babiyon ko lekar apne estate bungalow pahuncho."
"Ha ha ha, Heroine Roopa baby. Verry beautiful ho. Sharabhi aankhen, gulabi chehra, tezaabi jeans. Ha ha. Ab tujhe bachaane ke liye tera pyaara hero nahin aayega. Baby, dekhne ko bilkul 'Barbie Doll' lag rahi ho. Tujhe ^%$#*& karke cabbage patch doll bana doonga"
HEROINE: "Chod do mujhe, kuthe, kamine....."
AJIT: "Ha ha, Miss Roopa dear, naaraaz math ho. Nacho. UMMM, nacho, abhi NACHO"
HEROINE: "Disco ya Bharatnatyam ya Doritos brand corn nachos ?"
AJIT: "Verry hoshiar baby, ha ha, Raaabert, isko Great Wall of China le jaakar phansi mein laga do, great 'wall hanging' ban jayegi"
"Arre, yeh budiya kaun hai. Hellooo meri beautiful senior citizen, how are you my pyarri golden girl, daarrling"
OLD WOMAN: "Chi, Besharam, mere paas math aao. Hey Ram, mujhe bachao. Mera beta Inspector Vijay tum sub ko ek ek karke...."
AJIT: "Is ex-Miss India ko Middle East lekar maar daalo. Marne ke baath bhi will not rest in peace. Nahin to Hemendra Godbole ka crossword puzzle ka anagram clue de do, uska 'real fun' se 'funeral' ho jayega."
"Arre Raaabert, woh kaun hai, bandhi hui hai. Dekhne me suchmuch Britain ki Maharani lag rahi hai. Oy, kaun ho tum. Kya naam hai tumhara. Jawab nahin degi. Muh mein kya hai ?"
RAABERT: "Baaaasss, woh tu hero ka ghoda, Billoo, baass"
AJIT: "Shut up Raabert, main sub jhanta hoon. Magar I wanted to get it straight out of the horse's mouth. Ha ha haa. Yeh dekho --- 'dishooom' 'disshhooom' --- bechara Billoo mar gaya. Raabert, Yeh hai the actual horse's 'mauth'."
"Michael maal laaye ho ? Raabert helicopter tayyaar hai? Peter, tera Principle laaye ho ? Chotu chai tayyaar hai ? Ek cup chai le aao, with cream and brown sugar."
RAABERT: "Baass, tragedy ho gaya, apna helicopter mein to teen blade mein to ek missing. Sirf do blades hain. Rotor mein motor nahin hai. Chaaron taraf police hai. Ab kya karen baass"
AJIT: "Arre, crrrybaby Raabert, Pant ke neeche sari pahne ho kya, Udhar dekho, ped ke neeche mera naya Stealth Bomber kada hai. Usme jayenge. Abhey Mike, taarmac mein Bigmac math kha. Raabert, police apne radar gun se plane ka peecha karegi. Tum bhi apna radar tayyaar kar lo. Turbo charge karke radar se tez chalao. Police ka radar rays ozone layer mein abosrb hokar kumzor ho jaayega. Aur hum bhi mid-air mein refuel karke turant London pahunch jaayenge"
"Yeh dekho, hero Vijay aur heroine Roopa, poor bastards. Mauth ki intezaar kar rahen hai. Raabert, Inko dekh kar ek cheez yaad aa raha hai. Mard ki zindagi bilkul chuhe ki zindagi jaise hai. Chuhe ki duniya mein bhi Mickey Mouse hota hai aur Minnie Mouse bhi hoti hai. Mickey aur Minnie ke beech mein muhabbat hai, pyaar hai, gaana hai, naach hai. Aur ek din Ajit naam ki billi aa jaati hai aur khel katham. Magar Raaaabert, mard aur mouse mein ek pharak hai"
RAABERT: "Woh kyaa hai baaaasss ?"
AJIT: "Kuch mardon ko 'Mousiji' hoti hai, magar mouse ko kabhi 'mardji' nahin hoti."
OLD WOMAN: "Rukho, Ajit, tum Inspector Vijay ke bhai ho. Kai saal pahle Kumbh mela mein tum kho gaye the. Tum aur tumhara bhai Vijay, tum donom triplets ho."
AJIT: "Yeh, bhudiya kya bolti hai? Tereko kaisa maloom hai ?"
OLD WOMAN: "Main Vijay ki Ma nahin hoon. Maine kabhi shaadhi nahin ki. Such mein, main tumhari padosi thi. Gabbar ke aadmine tumhare maa baap ko maar daala. Aur uske baath main tum aur Vijay ko paal rahi thi"
AJIT: "Yeh kaisa maaloom pada ki main Ajit hoon"
OLD WOMAN: "Tum bachpan se hi phatte maar rahe the. Jab tum cchote the, tum mujhe pyaar se 'Lattu champion' bhulaya karte the. kyoonki mai subse badi 'spinster' thi......."
At this point the air is riddled with cries of 'Bhaiya'.
END END END END (Read on only if you need the translation)
Translation: (I don't believe I am actually doing this!!)
AJIT: Robert, tie him in the electric chair and turn on the Cray computer and send in the nuclear current through the superconducting cable ..
RAABERT: Stop boss, he is already tickeled to death
AJIT: Tie up the other sonafabitch with ropes and throw him in the lion-leopard cage, the animals will get some high fiber diet. My lion is a dandylion
No, Raabert, on second thoughts take him to a Middle Eastern restaurant and don't buy him Falafil sandwich, but get him 'Humous'. After eating it, he will become post-humous.
Now it is the hero's turn. Tie him to a time-bomb. Set the timer to 10.00, no no. The hero is always late in doing things. Let his death come late too. Set the timer to 10.05. Raabert you idiot, don't set the time bomb here. This is a no-smoking area. The time bomb will go 'tic tic tic'. The hero's heart will go 'tup tup tup' in fear and if you stand next to him, you will hear 'tic tup tic tup'.
RAABERT: But boss, this is a quartz digital clock. This won't go 'tic tic tic'. This runs on a battery.
AJIT: You idiot. This is no assault and battery. Get me the cuckoo clock. When the bomb goes off, the cuckoo will explode and the owl (referring to the hero) will also die. Two birds in one stone.
AJIT: Mona daarling. Go have a bath. Michael you go along as well. Also, take my King Cobra and brush its teeth. (Translator's note: This dialog is meant to bring out the psychotic nature of the villain)
Mona darling, don't go with Tony, because you will become MonaTony. Go with Lisa and become Mona Lisa. Lisa come here baby. Michael, take these babies to our estate bungalow.
Ha ha. Heroine Roopa baby, you are very beautiful. Liquory eyes, rosy cheeks, acid washed jeans. Your hero will not come now to rescue you. You look like a Barbie doll. I will %$@## and then make you into a cabbage patch doll.
HEROINE: Leave me, dog, lowlife
AJIT: Miss Roopa dear, don't get upset. dance, umm dance, DANCE
HEROINE: Disco or Bharata natyam or Dorito's brand Nacho chips. (Translator's note: There is a very hilarious multilingual pun here for those people who know hindi and english and with a fondness for multilingual puns)
AJIT: very clever baby. Raabert, take her to the Great Wall of China and hang her there. That will make a great 'wall-hanging'.
Who is this old woman. My beautiful senior citizen, how are you my golden girl love ?
OLD WOMAN: Chi, shameless fellow. Don't come near me. My son Inspector Vijay will come and will smash each one of you.
AJIT: Take this ex-Miss India and kill her in the Middle East. Even after her death she won't rest in peace. Or give her Hemendra Godbole's crossword puzzle anagram clue. She will go from real fun to 'funeral'.
Raabert. Who is this other person who is tied up. She looks like the Queen of England. Who are you ? What is your name ? What is in your mouth"
RAABERT: Boss, that is our hero's horse Billoo,
AJIT: I knew that Raabert, but I wanted to get it out of the horse's mouth. (Dishoom, dishoooom. Ajit shoots the horse) Poor Billoo is dead. This is the real horse's mouth (which means death in hindi)
Michael did you bring the goods. Raabert is the helicopter ready. Peter did you bring your Principle. Small one, is the tea ready. Small one, bring a cup of tea with cream and brown sugar.
RAABERT: Boss, tragedy has occurred. One of the blades in our helicopter is missing. The motor in the rotor is also gone. and Police is all over the place.
AJIT: Crybaby Raabert, are you wearing a sari under your pants. Look under the tree, my new stealth bomber is standing out there. Mike, don't eat BigMac on tarmac. Raabert get your radar gun. Police will chase us with their radar gun. But try to fly faster. Police's radar rays will get absorbed by ozone and we will refuel in midair and reach London.
Look at the poor hero and the heroine. Awaiting their death. Looking at them I am reminded of how similar a man's life is to a mouse's. Even in the world of a mouse, there is a Mickey Mouse and there is a Minnie Mouse. There is love between them and songs. Till one day when a cat called Ajit comes and ends their game. But there is one major difference between a man's life and a mouse's life"
RAABERT: What is it boss ?
AJIT: Some men have Mousiji (a kind of an aunt - mother's sister) (Untranslatable)
OLD WOMAN: Ajit, you and hero Vijay are brothers. You got lost in a kumbh mela. You both are triplets.
AJIT: How do you know ?
OLD WOMAN: I used to be your neighbor. Actually I am not Vijay's mother. I am not even married. When Gabbar's people killed your parents, I looked after you.
AJIT: How do you know it was me ?
OLD WOMAN: You used to make these PJs even when you were young. You used to call me 'top champion' (top, as in a child's toy) and that was because I was a spinster"
(The brothers unite)
@end(verbatim)
