20. Mating Patterns of Homosapien Desicus Males
Abstract
In this paper, we analyze the habitat-specific mating patterns of certain male members of the said species, focussing especially on the nonlinear behavior during such occurrences. Our theory contradicts the findings of Prof. Ringo Rangoopadhyay, who conjectured that there is nothing interesting in such mating, even to the specific members involved.
Paper
Homosapien Desicus are small, delicate, two-winged insects found predominantly in the Indian subcontinent. They can be distinguished from other such species by a drooping proboscis (jaw) loose due to perpetual talking. Some of them also talk through an air tube at the posterior end of the body. Its mouthparts consist of seven elements: a food channel, three saliva channels, a labium and two channels for talking. There are more than hazzaar of these species, which can be divided into 31 or more genera. These are found worldwide, in all but the most extreme habitats.Large colonies of these species are bred in special habitats called the IITs across India. During this larva stage, these creatures are cocooned from external environment and this is where the anatomical development of body parts like mustache, ego, programming ability and lust takes place. While still at the IITs, the species make tentative jabs at sexuality, primarily during the cultural festivals which are marked by the arrival of the Queens of the species. The primitive fertility rites include producing blood-curdling obscene yells at appropriate intervals and occassionally wooing the female of the species with such offers as "Do you want me to explain the Unix operating system to you ?".
After the pupal stage, certain advanced members of the species tend to migrate to other habitats, called American Universities. These young adults have crumpled polyester pants, shirts with flowers on them and are directly interfaceable to computers. They usually follow the money gradient. At first, the adult males tend to congregate together in the same ant hill for greater security and survivality. Less charitable members from habitats other than the IITs would complain, not untruthfully, "Look at them. IIT se keede makode ki tarah aa jaaten hain". Initially, the male sublimates its libidanal energy into academic work, till one day, when virgo rules the firmament, the energy flow is reversed in direction.
After watching some adult movies and visiting topless bars, the insect exerts blood pressure on its body, the abdomen soon expands and very soon the exoskeleton becomes darkened and the male is ready to mate. The mating season lasts approximately twelve months a year, during which the male comes to heat many times, and stays in heat for any time between a few hours to a few years. While in heat, the male exudes an odor due to the sudden use of deodorants.
The males usually refer to the females simply as 'females' or 'chicks' or 'dames' and have breathing difficulties in presence of one. It tries to attract the attention of foreign females by flapping its wings and shouting "Coochikoochikoo". By sheer persistence, the male would ultimately take the female for feeding, at first to a cheap place but eventually to a virus-free environment. After the first outing, the male would experience elevated levels of ego and would tell its friends "Linda and I are just friends. Its not what you think". "But, Palvayanteeswaran, we don't give a damn about what's going on between you both". "No, some people are already gossiping. I have to make important decisions about whether I want to live with an alien member for the rest of my life". If lucky, the male stays in courtship for a few more food sessions, after which it is ready to write a cross-cultural treatise on human courtship in general. At some point during this process, the male also developes several tentacles with which it would attempt to grab the female. For a while, the male would draw its nutrients only from alcohol. It would also attempt to be 'cool' and would do things like skiing, take the females to movies like Gandhi and in a known rare case, even play its latest compact disc over the telephone to the female.
Some other males would try to go for the desicus females in the USA. In this context, males with mobility due to cars have a slight advantage. Purring in the same language is a plus too. It would start by first finding out from the foreign student advisor which females are going to arrive, pick them up from the airport and generally do peonic services. Once the situation is stabilized, the courtship continues for a while and the couple would shop together, find out and celebrate the respective birthdays and give small gifts. However, the only fluids exchanged between the male and the female during the courtship are some strong smelling curries. Sometimes the male can be an incurable romantic, volunteering to do ridiculous dumb charade acts to impress the female. Usually, the male would procure food for the female and they would watch hindi movies together, often with eyes closed in ecstasy. Finally, the female signals its submission, by letting the male do her computer assignment. Cross-mating with the subspecies ABCDcus is too complex and will be dealt in a subsequent publication.
In a variation to the main theme, sometimes certain fortunate females can attract several males, which leads to a severe competition. Even the weakest male presumes that he stands a good chance and spends much time and money in courting the specific female.
Then the insect reaches the final stage of its evolution into adulthood, known as 'Permanent Residency', which greatly enhances its chances at breeding. When this stage is reached, some members grow a special tail-like appendix. The homing instincts of these species are phenomenal. A male then quickly migrates to its old habitat and tells its parents "Enough is enough, Even though I had been in the US for so long, I am still Indian at heart and I can't give up my Indian culture. And how can I say no to my own parents. I will marry anyone you suggest. So help." The parents, very happy that their progenies did not succumb to the vicious mating attacks of foreign women, quickly search to locate the most suitable and strong-gened female of the native genre, in terms of looks and money-making potentials. Elaborately videotaped rituals occur near fires and mating follows immediately.
Due to certain natural laws of transmigration, only the male returns to the new habitat, telling his fellow drones that it wasn't really an arranged marriage. They kind of knew each other even when they were only eggs, he would point out. After two years of marathon phone calls and short visits for the purposes of consummating the conjugation, the female arrives one day to join the male. And they continue on to live a happy life of reproduction. In conclusion, the author would like to say that such dating habits are extremely personal things and discussing them on the bboard amounts to mere chitchatting. Also, the author would like to warn that this article is intended to be satirical, with no malice toward the IITians. Heck, the author himself was an undergraduate in an IIT.
