Rumpus in the Slammer!
Chapter 4: By your friend..The Reflex
Brought to you by Omnipotent, Incorporated
PROLOGUE
Well, it seems that since we last left, Rumpus was on his way to prison after a little accident in his father's Rumpusmobile. Rumpus was speeding (actually he was only doing 35 MPH which appears to be the top speed for a Rumpusmobile which is a souped up '88 four-wheel drive turbo Yugo) in a 30 mile per hour zone. When he ran a red light, he was chased by police and had his tires shot out. The police arrested Rumpus for driving without a license and for speeding. There were additional rumors of charges for just looking like a Rumpus, but these have yet to be cleared up. They placed him under arrest, anyway, and drove off with him. This is where the adventure continues...
THE ARREST
The two policemen placed handcuffs on Rumpus not knowing whether or not he might be some crazy criminal or not. The mass murderer had not been apprehended yet and the police weren't taking chances with anyone that night. Rumpus pleaded with them and tried to convince them that he was actually Rumpus Senior as the driver's license he was found with stated. However, while they were frisking him, the police found exactly 213 unopened condoms and then they were convinced that he was a teenager. Soooo...
"I swear that I'm 54!" Rumpus almost cried.
"Of course you are, son. Hey, MacMurphy, call out a wrecker and have that flaming wreck towed off before anyone gets hurt," the first policeman said with a heavy Irish accent.
"All right, O'Brian!" the other one replied with an even stronger accent.
"Looks like we'll have to take you downtown, son," O'Brian said to Rumpus.
"No! If you do that, I'll get in trouble!" Rumpus was now screaming.
"Hey, MacMurphy, pistol-whip him so we can take him in without any trouble," O'Brian ordered his partner.
MacMurphy unsnapped the release on his holster and withdrew a long .38 from it. He turned it around so that he was holding the barrel in his right hand. Doing this, he walked over to Rumpus and raised it up in the air.
Now at this point, you may remember that Rumpus is a strong believer in the hair-mousse cult and always uses more than is necessary to get his hair to spike like a porcupine. MacMurphy brought the handle of the pistol forcefully down on Rumpus' head. However, when the handle hit the rock-hard spikes on Rumpus scalp the gun discharged a single round. The bullet penetrated MacMurphy's pants about a half inch below his zipper then ricocheted off the cement and whined into the left rear tire of the patrol car. Something small, round and bleeding dropped from MacMurphy's pants and made a small PLOP! on the ground. As the tire hissed leaking air, MacMurphy grabbed his groin and rolled in pain on the ground screaming something about not being able to have any more children. Upon hearing the gunshot, Rumpus wet his pants and passed out saving the two officers any further trouble.
"Looks like the little bugger's fainted, MacMurphy," O'Brian commented.
"ARRGHHH!" was all that MacMurphy had to add as O'Brian helped him to his feet.
The two officers placed surgical gloves (standard procedure) on and lifted Rumpus into the rear seat of the patrol car and started off with the car dropping up and down as it rolled along with one tire completely depleted of air.
After driving for approximately fifteen minute Rumpus awoke in the back seat wondering why he was feeling a rash beginning. "I guess I should've changed underwear last week," he thought to himself.
Looking around the back seat of the police car he saw no door locks or handles from the inside of the car. Wondering how he was going to escape, he tried to pull on the handcuffs, but only succeeded in bruising his wrists. He tried kicking one of the doors off, but only succeeded in bruising his feet. He tried to bite the chain on the handcuffs, but only succeeded in bruising his teeth [Ed. Note: Don't ask...There was so much organic growth on them by this time that they were bruisable.].
A few minutes later, O'Brian said, "Pull into that gas station, MacMurphy. I have to take a leak." So, MacMurphy pulled into an Exxon station. O'Brian jumped out as MacMurphy continued to moan about his lost 'nads and about getting revenge on "...that little fucker."
Up until this time, Rumpus was lying down and making relatively little noise (except for hitting the door with his feet). This is why it surprised MacMurphy when he saw a living nightmare rise in the rear-view mirror and scream, "WONDER RUMPUS!"
Rumpus thrust his head forward into the metal grill separating the front and back seats. Sparks flew as Rumpus' razor sharp hair cut through the strong alloy. MacMurphy hopped out of the car screaming again. Rumpus had managed to climb through the small hole he made (though he did have to push with his legs when his oddly-proportioned rump got stuck). He grabbed the shotgun that was latched to the dashboard with his teeth and jumped out the passenger side door.
MacMurphy was pounding on the bathroom door and still screaming something about "superhuman midgets" when O'Brian finally opened the door and came running out with toilet paper trailing from the back of his pants.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
MacMurphy babbled some more when O'Brian saw Rumpus running towards the street carrying a shotgun in his mouth. O'Brian drew his sidearm and fired a warning shot in the air. Rumpus turned around and managed to aim and pull the trigger of the shotgun with his tongue. The kick spun him around several times and he became dizzy. The blast took the cowboy hat off of officer O'Brian.
O'Brian was about to return fire, but by this time, Rumpus was sitting on the ground trying to get his head to stop spinning. He had dropped the shotgun.
The two cops put the prisoner back into the patrol car and bumped back to headquarters. Officer O'Brian had to drive this time since Officer MacMurphy was still babbling about wondersomethings and had taken to sucking his thumb in a prenatal position and rubbing his earlobe with the other one.
Once they were back at headquarters for the City of Rumpusville Police Force, O'Brian took Rumpus in to be booked while MacMurphy wandered around the parking lot still murmuring. Rumpus was told to sit in a chair next to a desk where O'Brian sat around on the other side. The officer placed a piece of paper in a typewriter and started typing way.
"Please state your full name," he said.
"Puddin' 'n' Tang. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same!" screamed a still dizzy Rumpus.
"Please state your address, Mister Tang."
"I live at 40 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C. Zip code OU812"
"And you phone number, please..."
"Area code (312) 555-1212."
"Thank you. Please go take a seat over there while I file this information," O'Brian told Rumpus. Rumpus walked over to a small bench and sat down next to a large black man. In his eternal wisdom, Rumpus turns to the black man and yells, "Hey, spearchucker, move it on down. You're dripping Afro-Sheen on me!" The black man turned to Rumpus and made a glutteral growl that came somewhere from his chest. He picked Rumpus up by his feet and stuck him in the wooden bench by his hair.
A clerk behind another desk called out, "Mr. Tang."
Rumpus, still standing on his head by his hair stuck in the bench remembered his alias he gave Mr. O'Brian and said, "Uh, me...um, sir."
"Well, don't just stand there, come over here. We have to fingerprint you."
Rumpus placed his feet against the wall and gave himself a shove. The force unlodged his hair from the bench. He flew and did an athletic flip (almost) and landed on his -- "Ahhhh! Unh!" -- rump again. He got up and walked over to the clerk behind the desk who told him to stick his hands out. Rumpus complied by sticking his still handcuffed hands in front of him. The clerk stuck each one of Rumpus' fingers on a small inkpad and then rubbed them across a piece of paper that another officer had handed him.
The clerk then pulled out a rather large inkpad measuring about two square feet. Rumpus asked the clerk what it was for. The clerk put one of his hands behind Rumpus' head and explained, "Well, our camera broke yesterday and since we have to have a picture of all the suspects that come in here..."
With this he pulled Rumpus' face down and slammed it onto the large inkpad. Rumpus squirmed as he tried to get out. Finally the clerk let Rumpus lift his head only to have a piece of paper slapped over it. He took the paper off and then put it in a file with the other fingerprints. Rumpus, with a rather dirty face and hands now only added an "Unh!"
Rumpus was given a paper towel to wipe off on and then directed to a door off to his right. He walked through it and a large butch policewoman grabbed him and pushed him against the wall. "Give me all your valuables, short and squatty," she rumbled. Rumpus dug through his pockets and pulled out his change, took off his father's watch, and took off his thick electroplated gold chain and handed them to the (if you could call her this) woman. She placed them in a manilla envelope marked "Pud N. Tang," Rumpus' new assumed identity, and then directed him into another room where there were about nine other prisoners.
INSIDE THE WALL
A tall, skinny officer came in and directed the prisoners to remove all of their clothing. All of them complied except for Rumpus who refused to remove his clothing in the company of the other males in the room. Two large cops were called into the room by the skinny one and forcefully stripped Rumpus down to his underwear (not the last time this would happen to our hero in jail). Rumpus was screaming about how he was an American and that they couldn't do this to him. He claimed to be the nephew of Ferdinand Marcos which brought laughter from the other prisoners.
Then the skinny cop said, "Now, please remove your underwear or do we have to do that too?"
Rumpus only said "Unh!" as he took off his underwear. He held them behind his head then flung them at the skinny cop who ducked. The underwear hit the wall behind the cop and clung to it.
"Do you want solitary confinement, Mr. Tang?"
After being handed a Rumpus County Jail uniform, Rumpus was de-liced against his will. He was then placed in a dark holding cell with another prisoner. Rumpus couldn't tell what he looked like since it was now about two o' clock in the morning and all the lights were off. Rumpus collapsed on the lower bunk of the cell in exhaustion.
Several hours later, Rumpus opened his squinted eyes to find his fellow cellmate sitting on his chest on slapping his face. Rumpus screamed and jumped up throwing his cellmate off him and ran to the corner of the cell where the combination toilet/washbasin was. After a few seconds he managed to focus his eyes and realized the door to the cell was open and there were about five people standing in the small cubicle.
His cellmate, a tall, skinny, AIDS-patient-looking person with orangish hair approached him and said, "My name is Dominic. This is my band of Merry Men," he gestured to the four guys standing behind him. "Welcome to my kingdom," he concluded.
"Get away from me, you faggot!" Rumpus screamed again.
"That's not any way to talk to the people that you'll be spending a lot of time with from now on...pretty boy."
Rumpus screamed as everything went dark.
[Several hours later...]
"And then I shot down this fat pig while running over the other..." Rumpus bragged. All of the Merry Men and Dominic replied with an "Oooooh!" in unison.
"Then after I blew up California, I fled to this place, but they managed to catch me after using laser-guided hound dogs," he added. By this time, Rumpus had the prison gang so impressed that they made him their new leader. Over the next couple of days he enjoyed complete run of the jail while walking with a gait that was more free. But things grew lonely at the top for the kingfish Rumpus.
That night, Rumpus was talking to Dominic after bedcheck. He confided how he always wanted somebody he could talk to. He got up off his bunk and stood on it so he could talk to Dominic who was in the upper bunk. Rumpus removed his father's class ring from the Class of 1892 or something like that. After a dramatic pause, Rumpus said, "Dominic, will you wear my ring...and be my ho?"
Dominic squealed with delight and hugged Rumpus. They had fun the rest of the night. They made a plan to escape and live the rest of their lives together. After getting the rest of the Merry Men together, they dug a tunnel all night that extended from their cell to the forest on the other side of the wall. They waited until dawn to make their escape.
THE GREAT ESCAPE
When the guard was making his rounds, he noticed that Rumpus and Dominic were still in bed. "Hey, you two. Get out out of bed...it's breakfast time!" the guard told them. They didn't move. He walked over to the bunk and pulled the covers back. Inside the bed were two condoms inflated to human size with smilely faces painted on them. It was then that he noticed that there was a tunnel dug through the toilet.
The guard picked up his walkie-talkie and practically yelled into it, "We have a prisoner escape! The fag and the short Flip! They tunnelled their way out through the john!"
Sirens were starting to blare just as Rumpus, Dominic, and the other Merry Men were trying to help Big John out of the tunnel opening which had been (surprisingly enough) large enough for Rumpus to get through, but Big John couldn't get through.
Rumpus took off running through the forest telling the others to follow and forget about Big John. They wouldn't follow. Rumpus tripped over a root of a tree and stumbled down a bank into a stream just as a helicopter flew over and spotted the Merry Men. Rumpus had hit his head on a rock and was knocked silly. It's a good thing that blubber floats, otherwise, he would have drown as he was swept down the stream.
Two hours later, Rumpus came through just as the stream was emptying into a septic disposal management facility. It was there that he took a bath after being in "that dirty water" for so long. Obviously, Rumpus does not know what septic disposal management means. It took him a while to figure out what it was that he was scrubbing his back with. He jumped out of the tank and started to retch after remembering that he had taken a drink and gargled with the water earlier.
He waited until nightfall before he started on his way home since he was still in his prison uniform. Just after dusk, he came upon a house where a lady was stringing out laundry on a clothesline. He decided to steal some clothes so he wouldn't be recognized. After the lady went in, he slipped over the fence.
It was a mistake, though. Rumpus had just leapt onto a sleeping Doberman pinscher that hadn't been fed. It awoke quickly and started to chase Rumpus. Rumpus ran for the clothesline and grabbed whatever he could then started for the other side of the yard. Rumpus managed to grab the top side of the chainlink fence and started to pull himself up. The Doberman caught Rumpus' left foot and started to pull him back down. Rumpus lost his hold on the top of the fence and fell backwards hitting the ground. Rumpus closed his eyes believing he was about to become dog food.
Several seconds later Rumpus opened his eyes and looked around. He couldn't see the dog anywhere. He stood up and realized that when he fell, he landed on the dog and crushed it. "Unh!"
Just then, the lady came back out and started screaming. Rumpus jumped back over the fence and ran off. When he looked at the clothes he had grabbed, he found that he had grabbed only a dress, a bra, and a pair of pantyhose. He decided it would be the best disguise and he could use the bra anyway.
After dressing in drag, Rumpus staggered to the highway and started thumbing for a ride back to his part of town. A fat, balding businessman with glasses picked Rumpus up and started to drive him home.
When they reached Rumpus' house, Rumpus started to get out, but the man locked the door automatically and started to grab Rumpus while saying, "Come on, baby, just one quicky in the back sea-- Uhhhh!" It was at the time that he had grabbed Rumpus in areas unknown. The man screamed and pushed Rumpus out of the car screeching off.
Rumpus walked to his front door and used the spare key hidden under the doormat to get in. When he walked in his father was still passed out on the couch and his mother was still making gurgling sounds with her head resting in her food. Rumpus sighed as he walked up the stairs. "These things sure are comfortable," he said to himself about the pantyhose as he closed his bedroom door.
Disclaimer: Please note that this text file is not meant to show any connection between Rumpus and Omnipotent, Inc. All other characters in this story are either fictional or real.
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FINALLY
Well, that seems to rap it up for Rumpus this time. Rumpus V will be out just as soon as we get more info about what's been going on with him. Until then do whatever you want.
(C) 1988 -- Omnipotent, Incorporated
