Rumpus goes to Homecoming
Chapter 3: by The Reflex of Omnipotent, Incorporated.
Many people say that Hallowe'en is a scary night. This turned out to be true for Rumpus, the hero(?) of our story. It just so happened that the homecoming dance for Rumpus' school was going to be on Hallowe'en night ... one that Rumpus will not soon forget.
Friday, 10/30, 12:11 PM
It was fourth period that Rumpus was headed to. His friend, that we will just call "Bill," had lined Rumpus up with a friend of his girlfriend to go to the homecoming dance with. Rumpus was excited at the thought of actually getting to dance with a girl that wasn't his mother or cousin for the first time in his whole life. "Hmmm...I wonder what she looks like," Rumpus said quietly to himself as he walked into his English room. He took his normal seat next to his only friend in the whole school.
"Hey, Bill, what's up?" Rumpus asked through his nose.
"I talked to Magen and she said that she will go out with you tomorrow night if you pay her."
"Unh! How much is she asking for?"
"She said that since you were a friend of mine, she would only charge you just fifty dollars."
"Hey, that's not too bad. I'll ask my dad and mom for the money tonight after school."
"Don't forget your tuxedo and car ... Buhahahahahah!"
"Unh!"
Rumpus knew that he didn't have a car. He knew he didn't have a license. This was going to be quite a challenge if he wanted to take Magen to homecoming. When Rumpus got home from band practice that night, he asked his dad if he could borrow fifty dollars. When Rumpus' dad asked why he needed so much money, Rumpus said it was so he could pay for a date to the homecoming dance. Rumpus Senior then gave Rumpus Junior a big lecture about prostitutes and other evils of the world and grounded him for the weekend. Needless to say, Rumpus was quite depressed at the fact that he was grounded from homecoming and would have to stay home.
Friday, 10/30, 11:54 PM
Rumpus calls Bill and tells him the bad news about him being grounded. After about half an hour, Bill manages to convince Rumpus to sneak out of his house and take his father's car on Saturday night. Rumpus reluctantly agrees.
Saturday, 10/31, 6:28 PM
"Rumpus! Come down for dinner!" Rumpus' mother yells upstairs.
"Coming, mother!" said Rumpus zipping his pants up and putting the November issue of Penthouse magazine away. He walked over to his dresser and pulled out a small packet of chloral hydrate that he made after reading a text file on it on his Commodore computer that he loved so much. "I really hope this stuff works well," Rumpus thought to himself. He put the packet in his shirt pocket and walked downstairs to the dinner table.
After playing around with his peas and corn for a little while, Rumpus offered to fix his parents some more tea. They complimented him on what a good son he was even though he was grounded for hiring a prostitute. Rumpus took their glasses and walked into the kitchen. He made them some more tea then pulled the packet full of chloral hydrate from his shirt pocket. "This should do the trick..." he laughed as he poured generous amounts in both glasses.
"Here you go, Mom. And here's yours, Dad," he said as he set their glasses down in front of them.
Rumpus' mother must have been extremely thirsty as she grabbed the tea and took a sip and she then gulped down the whole thing. Rumpus stared at her for a while, but then her little slanted eyes fell shut and her head slammed into her plate full of food.
"Stupid ho," said Rumpus Senior as he got up from the table, "She never could hold her drinks for too long. Oh well, since she's asleep, I think I'll go out and fool around with my mistress." He wiped his mouth and took a big, long drink from his tea glass then turned around and started to walk to get his coat before he collapsed on the couch. Rumpus' mother was making small, gagging sounds.
"It worked! This is my chance to get out of the house," Rumpus exclaimed.
Rumpus ran upstairs and put his father's tuxedo on. They were both around five foot, two inches, so it fit him like a glove. "You're such a stud," he said to himself in the the mirror. He then splashed on half a bottle of Brut cologne then went downstairs.
Now to get the car keys. Rumpus rolled his father over on the couch. First he reached in his father's back pocket and pulled out his father's wallet. Rumpus put his father's wallet in his back pocket and tossed his own out on the coffee table. Then he reached in his father's front pocket to get the car keys. While he was fumbling in the pocket, Rumpus Senior bent his legs up and started to speak in his sleep while he was having a sexual dream.
"Oh, move it faster, baby," said Rumpus Senior sluggishly as he yanked Rumpus' arm back and forth. Rumpus was startled and tried to pull his hand out of his dad's pocket, but his dad's leg was bent too much for him to get it free. Rumpus Senior reached up and grabbed Rumpus by the back of the head and pulled his face close to his own. Rumpus Senior smushed his lips against Rumpus' and stuck his tongue into Rumpus' mouth and squirmed it around inside. Rumpus grabbed the ashtray off the coffee table and whacked his dad over the back of the head with it and Rumpus Senior fell back to the couch limply. Rumpus pulled his hand out of the pocket with the car keys and placed the ashtray down.
"Hmmm...so that's what it's like to french-kiss," Rumpus pondered. He went into the garage and started the car. Rumpus drove to Bill's house and picked him up. Bill was impressed about how Rumpus managed to get out of the house, but was even more impressed with the fact that Rumpus found out what it was like to french-kiss. His girlfriend, Peggy, would only let him kiss her on the cheek. He asked Rumpus what it was like so Rumpus showed him.
Saturday, 10/31, 8:00 PM
Rumpus and Bill picked up Peggy (who happened to have a wooden peg-leg) and then went to Magen's house. Rumpus walked up to the door and rang the door bell. Magen answered the door and waved to Bill and Peggy out in the car. Then she saw Rumpus and said hi.
"Before we leave, Rumpus, do you have the fifty dollars?" she asked him.
"Unh! Yeah, I have it right here," he whined through his nose as he pulled out his father's wallet and took a fifty-dollar bill out and handed it to Magen.
"Thank you. Remember I have to be home by twelve."
"Unh! Okay."
They got into Rumpus Senior's '88 fuel-injected turbo Yugo and tore out at 20 miles-an-hour or whatever the top speed is for those things. Rumpus was a master at grinding gears as he ripped the stick-shift half to pieces by the time they reached the school.
They all got out of the Rumpusmobile and went inside paying the five dollar door charge. Once inside, they went to the chairs along the wall for none of the nerdlings knew how to even slow dance.
After sitting there for forty-five minutes listening to the latest "top-40" music, Rumpus got up and offered to go get punch for all of them. They accepted and he went on his merry way. "I hope he doesn't expect me to kiss him," Magen pouted. "I hope you don't expect me to kiss you, Bill," Peggy warned.
Rumpus circled the refreshments table in search of the punch. He finally spotted it after he noticed two drunk seniors walking away from it zipping up their pants. Rumpus walked to the punch bowl and filled up four glasses full of the urinated punch. He carefully took the punch back to the other three and gave them their glasses. They all gulped it down. The girls started feeling a little "tipsy" probably due to the extra ingredients in the punch. They stood up and started dancing or rather just flailing their arms and legs about in an direction even though a slow-dance song was being played right now. The girls managed to knock over several couples before they hit up against the walls and fell over.
Rumpus and Bill were not fairing too well themselves. They walked over to a large group of football players and started screaming obscenities at them to the effect of "you're a bunch of stupid fucking jocks!" It took nearly seventeen minutes before the both of them were regained consciousness.
Deciding that the dance was too much for all of them, they left the dance. Rumpus started the Yugo and turned on the radio. "This is an important news bulletin just in...a convicted mass murderer has just escaped from Rumpusville, Illinois State Prison--" Rumpus turned the radio off because the girls were getting scared.
"There's no need to worry, girls," Rumpus said, "That place is too far from here. It's at least three-quarters of a mile away. And besides, Bill and I will protect you." This didn't make the girls feel too much better, but they decided there was no use in worrying.
Rumpus drove the Yugo up to Lookout Point and parked the car so it was overlooking the city. Bill and Peggy started kissing each other's cheeks in the back seat as Rumpus and Magen sat in the front seat. Rumpus looked at Magen as she stared out over the city.
"Don't even think about it, Rumpus," she said.
"I WANT YOUR BODY YOU LUSTY-EYED MOMMA!" Rumpus screamed as he jumped on top of her. She fought back furiously. The Yugo, being a light car and since Rumpus didn't put the parking brake on, started to roll forwards towards the hill. It turned on its side and rolled down the hill bouncing up and down until it finally came to rest against a tree.
"You putz, Rumpus!" everyone yelled in unison.
"No problem...I'll get us out of here," said Rumpus as he switched the Yugo to four-wheel drive and drove up the forty-seven degree incline. Once he reached the crest, Rumpus parked the car making sure to put the brake back on. "Now where were we..." he whispered to Magen with a smile on his face.
She screamed when the mass murderer jumped on the hood of the Yugo with a chainsaw. Rumpus screamed the loudest, though. He pulled the hood-release lever and the hood popped open sending the man flying to the ground some fifty feet behind the car. Rumpus opened the door and started heading for the forest. Magen was running right behind him as was Bill and Peggy. The murderer caught up with Peggy, though, and brought the chainsaw down on her formal and it sliced clean through her leg. She fell to the ground and turned to look at the murderer. He was instead staring back at her in amazement wondering why she didn't scream. She picked up her splintered wooden leg and shove it into the man's testicles killing him instantly.
"It's safe to come out now!" she yelled.
Bill and Magen crawled out of the bushes over to Peggy. Rumpus started screaming because he could get down out of the top of a tree. Bill picked up the chainsaw and cut the base of the tree and yelled "Timber!" The tree fell over crushing two parked car with teenagers inside and then the top hit a car with a moon roof which Rumpus fell through onto two more teenagers in the act of fornicating.
Rumpus climbed out of the car and back into his own Yugo with the other kids. He started the engine and rocketed back down the hill to drop Magen and the rest off since it was getting late.
After he dropped Bill off, Rumpus decided to see what his father's car could do. He found a long, empty stretch of suburban street and floored the accelerator. The engine raced hotter and hotter. As Rumpus went through a red light, he didn't notice the police car sitting at the other side of the intersection. The police turned their car around and went after Rumpus. He tried to out-race them, but they caught him within 200 yards. They shot out the tires on the Yugo and it flipped over. The police got out of their car and ran over to the Yugo and pulled Rumpus out right before the Yugo exploded into a large fireball.
The police woke Rumpus up and asked him for some ID. He reached for his wallet and then realized that it was his father's. He gave them his dad's driver's license. They looked at it puzzled. "Are you sure you're fifty-four years old, Mr. Rumpus Senior?" one of them asked him.
"Uh, yeah! That's right," Rumpus stammered.
"I think we'll have to sort this one out down at the station, bud," the cop said. They grabbed Rumpus and hauled him back to the police car.
"No! I can't go to jail! I can't!" Rumpus pleaded.
The police slammed the back door of the police car and then drove off leaving the flaming Yugo lying in the middle of the otherwise quiet suburbia street.
Note: The Rumpus has no affiliation whatsoever with Omnipotent, Inc. or any of =-=-= our members.
(C) 1987 -- Omnipotent, Incorporated
