The rumpus gets busted
Chapter 2: by _The Reflex_ , An Official_Omnipotent_Incorporated_Production
Introduction
It all started one day when Rumpus moved from where he lived to a land far away. He could make no friends so the only thing he could do was bother the ones that he had left behind. He would do this by calling them across the country using illegal long-distance-service codes. Then one day a man called someone that we will just call Amy claiming that her number showed up on his bill. She (lacking common sense) paid the fifteen dollar bill and called Rumpus demanding that he send the money. He whined and gave in promising to send the money. This is his story as unexciting as it may be.
The Nightmare Begins
The alarm broke the early morning silence as the dawning sun cracked through the window shades. Rumpus stumbled out of bed and turned off the alarm. Feeling around for the light switch on the wall he found an electric outlet instead. This is what is believed to cause the "porcupine phenomenon" as it is called where Rumpus' hair stands straight up even when wet. Rumpus walked over to the mirror and rubbed his chins. "Still no stubble," he thought to himself wondering when puberty was going to hit. Then he took a step back and started modeling body-builder poses in front of the mirror trying to find some muscles. His mother walked in and she was impressed. "You've got to hang up your clothes, Rumpus," she nagged in broken English. "Unh! All right, Mom!" was the only thing Rumpus could think of saying without getting in trouble.
After taking a shower and eating his "Wheaties," Rumpus ran back in his room remembering that he had left his Commodore 64 on all night hacking long-distance codes. With an ectasy that only Rumpus could know, he turned on the television to discover his computer had found the fatal code. He copied it down and ran off to school with books under his arm.
All day long he was trying to make a list of people in his mind that he could call using his latest code. "I could call all my girlfriends where I used to live," he plotted to himself. Rumpus was so busy daydreaming that he didn't notice the changing of six periods from his first-period class. By the time he realized what was happening, everyone had left for the day. With excitement building, he ran home and picked up the telephone receiver.
The Telephone Calls
"Hmmm, first I'll call Jennifer!" he thought with delusions of grandeur floating around in his mousse-hardened skull.
--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?"
"Hey, Jennifer, this is Rumpus! What's up?"
--CLICK--
"Unh! This code must not be very good..." he pondered. "Oh well, I'll call Jason, now." He tapped out the code and Agent Macabre's number.
--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?"
"Hey, Jason, this is Rumpus!"
"Oh well, I gotta go sort out my sock drawer. Bye!" --CLICK--
"Hello? Hello? I don't think this code is any good. I'll give it one more try." With this, he tapped out the numbers for one Amy Somethingorother.
--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?"
"Hi, Amy, this is Rumpus!"
"Oh, hello."
"Do you still love me?" Rumpus prodded trying to get a hopeful response.
"Just like Seven-Up, Rump: Never had, never will." she replied.
At this point Rumpus was emotionally distraught. He thought about suicide, but then thought it would be too painful. He fished for something to say for approximately an hour. This was the phone call that broke the camel's back. Rumpus was destined for jail.
The Discovery
Somewhere not too far from the home of Beau Goltex, an unsuspecting long-distance-company subscriber opened his bill to find many charges for telephone calls he didn't make. He looked over the list and found some of the call destinations were in his area code. He closed his eyes and picked one at random to call.
--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?" Amy answered.
"Hello, your number showed up on my long-distance bill. Do you know anybody that lives in the 312 area code?" the confused customer asked.
With this Amy told the man just about everything that was needed to know. She told him about Rumpus and how he calls his friends using illegally obtained codes. The one thing she neglected to tell him was Rumpus' name. This was not seen as an important fact to Rumpus, though.
The Panic
The next day, Rumpus heard the news from Amy. Rumpus was struck with fear. "Unh! I can't go to jail." He made out a plan that included not using the codes from his house any more. He thought that the authorities were tampering with his phone lines as he claimed he would hear clicking whenever he would talk on the telephone. This was later discovered to be his call-waiting service and Rumpus was made to look like an idiot.
The Fate of the Rumpus
The following day, Rumpus skipped school in an attempt to clean his room of any incriminating evidence. He gathered up all of his print-outs and headed for the garbage cans. Two men in three-piece suits with sunglasses and little wires running out their ears approached Rumpus as he neared the trash can.
They claimed to be poor scientists that were developing an engine that could run on garbage and they asked him if they could use his waste in their experiments. Rumpus decided this was a good opportunity to get rid of the incriminating evidence since it would be burned and he gave it to the two men. They thanked him and stepped back into their black van with the tinted windows and the minature satellite dish circling on top of it.
Rumpus walked back inside and fell on his bed in relief. "I'm finally rid of that stuff" he thought to himself exhausted. At that moment, however, there was three loud knocks on the door. Being the only one home Rumpus ran to the door and opened it. The two men stood there along with several other men and they had papers in their hand.
"Rumpus, you have the right to remain silent..." the first man started off as three were making their way to the door. Rumpus kicked the door shut and threw the deadbolt on. He screamed, "You'll never take me alive, coppers!" as he ran into his room and loaded the .45 he got for his birthday.
He flung the back door open and ran out of the house head-first. He shoved his hair into the stomach of one of the agents who fell screaming and clenching his bloody abdomen. Rumpus saw another car pulling up. He fired a shot through the window and killed the driver (which turned out to be his father).
He jumped on his Ninja motorcycle and drove off screaming something about killer-codes. This was the last that was heard from Rumpus as he was gunned down by two Harris County Sheriff's Deputies on Highway 59 North just two miles out of Houston. He was resisting arrest for traveling without proper lights on his turbo scooter.
[Editor's Note: The above passage was misprinted. Please ignore any previous information in it. Thank you.]
The Real Fate
Nobody is really sure what really happened to Rumpus. This whole situation eventually blew over.
What will be Rumpus' future? After several hours of deliberation, Agent Macabre and The Reflex decided that Rumpus will be found dead either lying by his air conditioning unit after snorting all the freon out of it or hanging in his closet with his penis clenched in one hand while trying a new sexual technique from HUSTLER magazine.
[Note: Please notice that the Rumpus has no affiliation whatsoever with Omnipotent, Incorporated. Thank you.]
(C) 1987 - Omnipotent, Incorporated
