A legend from the minds of the sick
Chapter 1, by The Reflex & Agent Macabre of Omnipotent, Incorporated
At this point you are wondering what a Rumpus is...you are wondering why you are reading this file ... you are wondering why we wrote this. The answers these ponderings and more will be explained in this exploration into a world of a living nightmare: The Rumpus!
First the definition(s):
- RUMPUS (rum-pus') -- a loud noise or obnoxious object
- RUMPUS ROOM -- residence of a Rumpus
BACKGROUND
A Rumpus can be found living in the suburbs of a city just like many more across the United States of America. A city with a downtown. A city with the suburbs. A city that doesn't stand out much, except for the fact that it possesses a Rumpus. It is in the suburbia that it dwells. The suburbia called Alief (ay-leaf').
This Rumpus used to go a high school in the Alief Independent District of Schools (A.I.D.S.). It was a legend in its own time. This Rumpus was of a male gender (so it is a commonly held belief), so we will refer to it as "he," "him," or "Ugh!" instead of "it."
The Rumpus consisted of a short (five foot, four inch) Filipino with thick vision-correction apparatuses (glasses) with spiked (porcupine) hair and was slightly (ahem!) overweight. Like it was stated before, he was a legend in his own time, though it was short.
Around the school, Rumpus was considered by many to be what could be called a "pain." Speaking through his nose, he would issue a reply of "Unh!" to a statement that would displease him. He was a member of the senior high school instrumental orchestral society (also referred to as the "band") in which he would attempt to issue notes from an instrument known as a tuba that was twice as big as him and would crush him out of existence if it should ever by chance fall over on him. Considered a "stud" in his homelands on the other side of the globe, he was thought of as quite less by the female half of the human race on this side. Always becoming infatuated with attractive females that would not care to sneeze in his direction at anyone's request. This made him turn to nocturnal activities of flogging his frog, spanking his monkey, beating his meat, whacking off, jacking off, jerking off, or as it ultimately became known as, "Rumpusing off!"
A LEGEND IS BORN
[Names have been changed to protect the identities of those that would not care to have their names printed here in association with Omnipotent, Incorporated.]
The sad tale began when Rumpus invited several friends (so he thought) over to play "VID-EE-0H GAMEZ!!1!" [Ed. note: Sorry had to do it.]. After playing with the computer for a while, Rumpus became bored and decided to take a shower (so he said). He reached for something from behind the bed that was wrapped up in a shirt. Clothes wrapped around a girlie magazine was what it was. He waddled into the bathroom whining an "Unh!" to whoever made any jokes behind his back as he left the room. Once behind the safety of the shower door, he ran to the bathtub and turned the water on. He then proceeded to quickly strip down. A considerable time later, one of the Rumpus Room patrons decided that it was time to play a new videogame. He searched for further disks, but could find none. "Oh well, I'll go ask Rumpus," said Mike as he strolled over the the bathroom door. HE'S BEEN IN THERE AN AWFUL LONG TIME, Mike thought to himself. "Hey, Rumpus! Are you still in there? We need some more disks. Where are they?" No answer. "Rumpus?!?" Again, no answer. "Can you hear me?" asked Mike as he pounded on the door. For the final time, no answer. I BETTER GO IN SO HE CAN HEAR ME BETTER, Mike thought. He fumbled for a credit card out of his wallet. Carefully slipping in past the doorknob, he wedged the lock back. The door slipped open. Mike was quickly opening the door uttering "Hey, Rumpus, where are the--" It was at this time that he looked down to see Rumpus sitting naked on the tile floor trying to issue forth jollies with a skin mag. Rumpus didn't hear Mike come in due to the water pouring into the tub. He didn't realize Mike's presence until he saw the door move out of the corner of his squinted eye. "UNH! Mike, get out!" Rumpus screamed kicking the door with his foot as far as his squaty leg would reach. The force pushed Mike into the hall where he sat aghast for a split second. He then burst out laughing and stumbling back into the Rumpus Room to explain the sight he just held to everyone present.
It didn't take long for the word-of-mouth chain to get the story all around the band hall of Elsik Senior High School. But the tale was not limited to that location alone. Soon, most people in both the South and North Houses of Elsik knew of "The Rumpus." Like we said: A legend of a sort. Girls would say "I thought he was all right until I heard that. I think he's gross, now!" Not that it really hurt his luck with the ladies since there was not a whole lot in the first place.
THE ADVENTURES BEGIN
Rumpus thought he was a /<-/<00L FREEK!!1! This was the farthest thing from the truth. Admittingly, he knew how to use service codes, but not much beyond that. We took it upon ourselves to educate the Rumpus in the workings of the Bell system. This was to be a mishap doomed from the origins.
First there was talk of opening a Southwestern Bell System manhole. "All we need are some crowbars! I could open one by myself," were the first words to come from Rumpus on the subject. This was found to be untrue when The Uncorruptable and The Reflex discovered each manhole lid to weigh in excess of 125 pounds. Rumpus couldn't handle this mission alone so he abandoned the idea.
Rumpus' own work could be seen all throughout Alief in the form of broken terminal boxes and left open doors on Bell equipment. After school one Friday, Reflex and Uncorruptable were driving by a double-door terminal box in the Rumpus' neighborhood. The Reflex glanced over at the open door and the missing spool of wire and thought it to be Rumpus' careless work which he later found out it was.
Agent Macabre and The Reflex decided to help Rumpus learn more about phreaking through Beige Boxing or use of a ButtFone (R) - Octothorpe Productions. We explained in depth how the phone worked and how Bell would hook up lines to terminals. We explained the magic 7/16-inch key. We explained line polarity. We explained the proper etiquette for Beige Boxing. And most important, we explained the importance of Ninja! Ninja is simply Ninja in the fact that when you Ninja, you make yourself hidden. Thus, when someone is to yell "Ninja!" then you are to hide in the possibility that danger is approaching. Rumpus had a hard time understanding this last concept. It could have something to due with Filipinos hating Japanese and everything associated with it since that is that way their parents were taught during World War II: The Sequel. Needless to say, this would result in some conflicts that would have to be worked out later.
We started out just after dark since Rumpus could not stay out late [more on that later]. Riding Ninja-Cycles (bicycles), we met Rumpus at his house and departed for a night (or at least an hour) of adrenaline and frustration. We first travelled to the back of an A.I.D.S. elementary school. We hid our bikes. Reflex opened a terminal box with the wrench as Agent Macabre helped Rumpus prepare the Beige Box. We had to take several minutes explaining the charges of the ring and tip wires and the proper placement of the alligator clips, but we finally managed to connect to a working phone line. Reflex dialed the local ANI and wrote the phone number down for future reference. Then the time came when we had to decide what to do now that there was dialing to be done. Ideas were tossed up of starting a conference or simply calling 911 and having an ambulance sent to the school, but leave it to Rumpus to come up with the idea of calling 976 phone-numbers-for-morons services.
After disembarking from the school, we rode to explore a bayou for more boxes and cans and various places we could service Bell's equipment for them. While examining one box near a road, a car started to approach. "Ninja!" Agent Macabre half-whispered/half-yelled as he fell to the groung on his stomach. Reflex did the same. The only figure left standing in the field next to the bayou was that of the Rumpus. The car drew closer. "Ninja? That's stupid," Rumpus whined through his nose. The car was now on the bridge next to the field with its bright headlights shining on a large Rumpus standing, squinting his eyes at the bright light. "Get the fuck down!" someone yelled at Rumpus as his legs were grabbed and was pulled down forcibly against his will. The car idled for several minutes staring at the field looking for further movement before it rolled on to either call the police or go on about its own business. Should have set a car trap!
We rode back to Rumpus' house in disappointment and disgrace at a failure to reform the Rumpus. We didn't give up hope for him, though.
THE NIGHT LIFE
We decided it was time for Rumpus to have a social life despite his well-known nocturnal activities. It was agreed upon to try again with the Rumpus and to try to get him to socialize with females his age. We decided to take him to a popular young-adult club known as Club Soda. Reflex and Agent Macabre arrived at the Rumpus Room on a Friday night at 8:00 P.M. On the way to the club several discoveries were made. Rumpus couldn't stay out later than 9 P.M. and was shocked to learn that we were planning on staying out until 1 A.M. He actually would obey such an early time to be in set by his parents. We thought this to be no problem since we would simply Shanghai him and keep him out later against his will.
When we arrived at Club Soda, Rumpus informed us that he only brought along $2 when the cover charge was $7 due to a special concert. Agent Macabre had enough money to pay only his own way in and couldn't loan money to Rumpus. Reflex had enough money to pay for Rumpus' way in, but it would leave him with no excess money with which to play pool or buy drinks with.
We stumbled back into the car to take Rumpus back home to ask for some more money from his father. After driving him all the way back home, Rumpus whines and decides not to go back to Club Soda. So much for a social life.
THE PRESENT
Rumpus has since moved to a large Northern city for reasons claimed to be the change of occupational location for his father. This is not the real reason believed in the Omnipotent_Foundation. We believe it to be so that nobody would know about the Rumpus' history and he would not be harassed any more. It is only a matter of time before Omnipotent will contact his new acquaintances, though.
He has not managed well in his new location. Riding to the tennis courts one day four black youths yelled something about Rumpus looking funny on his bicycle. Having no real intelligence or sense of self-preservation, Rumpus replied by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, I bet I'm richer than you are!" He was chased for five blocks before he was last heard from.
RUMPUS -- THE INTERVIEW
The following is an interview conducted with Rumpus over the telephone. The "O" represents the statements of a member of Omnipotent, Inc. The "R" represents the reply by the Rumpus.
O: Hello, is Rumpus there?
R: Oh, hi, Jason and Rob.
O: So, what is life like in Chicago, Rumpus?
R: Well, I don't have any friends, yet; but my cousin is going to introduce me to some girls later on today.
O: Sure...But are they going to know that case history of the Rumpus?
R: Unh! You aren't going to start talking about that again, are you?
O: [Simulated perverse sounds.]
R: Unh!!! --CLICK--
And so that was the end of the interview.
LOOSE ENDS
And so this concludes our little excursion into the world of the encounters with the Rumpus. We hope you have enjoyed this file and if you haven't, then send all hate mail/death threats/heavy breathing/etc. to the Rumpus at [PHONE NUMBER DELETED]. Thank you for your time.
(C) 1987 - Omnipotent, Incorporated
Disclaimer: This file is not intended to make any connection between Rumpus and Omnipotent, Incorporated. Any such connections were made out of the readers perverse, demented mind and are just pure coincidence. Use of this file is strictly prohibited without written permission from the Department of Sanitation. This has been a Tampered-With Production.
