The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog: Chapter XI
Nigel walked in the aforementioned purposeful manner towards Ivywood, the place where he'd make his millions. Leaving the action-packed lavatorial scene behind him he strolled along Moonshine Boulevard. After a while the night began to close in and Nigel realised that he had better find a friendly haven for the night. In the distance Nigel spotted a large, lonely sign - "MOTEL", with an arrow pointing towards a large white building. When he reached the sign he saw many small stickers plastered all over it - "WANT A GOOD TIME - 0393322505", "SLIPERY SAUCY SUZY - yours reasonable rates, ask at reception", "Fred's Taxi-cabs - Handy when you're pissed", "Pedro's Taxi-cabs - It's 1p cheaper than Fred's", etc.. As Nigel entered the reception at the motel he noticed that the place definitely lacked style, but Nigel liked its honest qualities - it was very cheap and Nigel was knackered. At the desk were two slumped figures. At first sight they appeared to be male but after close inconspicuous inspection Nigel realised that one was female - she had the word "SUZY" tattooed on her fore-head. My god she was ugly, Nigel thought to himself - but he was desperate ...
...For a good Shower, Shit and an even better Shave - the three S's, almost good enough to rival Sleeze, Slags and Sex - but tonight or at least for the moment it just had to be the former three S's. Suzy handed over the key to his room. "Number 27 darlin'", she growled licking her totally unsensual wart infested lips in an almost successful attempt to cover the fact that the dentures she wore were quite obviously someone elses. She screwed up her face and attempted a wink as if to say "your room hunky, 12 midnight", but Nigel had already turned his back and was walking towards his room. He opened the door to his room - SHOCK! HORROR! - it was the pits. Nigel Mansell had just driven in for a tyre change closely followed by Nikki Lauda (I thought he had retired). Nigel shut the door. Oops, it was number 25. He eventually found his bed and after taking everything (including his utility belt) off he lay down on it reflecting on the past, brooding about the future and his goal. The bathoom door was slightly ajar so he piled in and set the bath running. Nigel sank slowly into the warm relaxing water and shut his eyes. There was an wierd PLOP and another and another but Nigel did not notice the spiny jellymorphous 8-tenacled green tits swimming out of the cold water tap and towards his ....
Nigel thought that the plops were due to some baked beans he had eaten earlier (missing from the narrative, in fact he hasn't eaten once and has only just gone to the bog. He must be some sort of super-hedgehog). The green tentacles reached out for his testicles (must be something to do with Fatlegsmason, an attraction to gonads and genetically altered bodily parts are the trade mark of that infamous villan). as the tentacles brushed lightly against nigels sensuous thighs he sighed and uttered "Ahhhh, Nancy." The tentacles moved up and suddenly wrapped tightly around his balls."NANCY!! BE GENTLE WILL YOU!!!". A stiff tug, "ARGGGGGGG!!!!", Nigel eyes flicked open, "OH SHIT!!!!", exclaimed our super-hero, "I've been grabbed by the balls with a green tentacle from a mutated breast." (You can't get much more bloody ridioculous a plot than that, can you?!). Nigels super-brain whent into over drive as he thought of a way out, they flicked around the room looking at:
The toilet, no, no good
The loo roll, useless
The towel, no, hopeless
The bathroom cabinet, no, closed
The shelf, ah promising, now if I can just reach my utility belt......
Nigel stepped from the bath. Every inch he moved caused his bollocks to be pulled tighter and tighter (I like a bit on tension in the plot) the tits pulled harder in an attempt to ruin our hero's family life. Nigel removed a zippo lighter from his belt, reached his can of spine spray from the bathroom shelf, pointed it at the tentacles and (doing that neat little trick you can do with a zippo lighter, flicking it alight on you thigh) he lit the spine spray to produce a billowing fire ball which he used to burn away all the gelatinous tentacles and associated breasts. As the smoke cleared Nigel said "AH thats saved my bollocks, I've burnt away all the tits, lets have a look at my love-plumbs". Nigel looked down at his precious luggage to see...........
That, although relatively intact, they were blackened and charred. " OH NO ", nigel exclaimed tragically, "even if they work, who can I attract with these ?" ( presumably he had forgotten Suzy ). "OH BUGGER", he shouted in capital letters. At this, a strange happening occured, a certain testicle who was mentioned in the previous paragraph ( unfavourably, court proceedings will follow ), appeared, as if Nigel was the higher power ! He explained to Nigel, "Whenever somebody lights a can of Studio-Hog, with a Zippo lighter, and then says the magic words, 'Oh Bugger', I appear. What is your problem". Nigel tearfully pointed at the aforementioned testicles ( Even super-heroes cry under these circumstances ! ), and Fatlegs smiled, and waved a hand. In a strange fashion nigel's 'love-plums' returned to their natural colouring, and even seemed to expand. Fatleg's explained that this was a natural side effect, due to the magic, and that they were now +1 testicles, looking like love-plums of a particularly good year ! Nigel breathed a sigh of relief as Fatleg's vanished as if summoned by an even higher power ( +2 testicles ? ). The door to his room burst open as ...
Dingo Skidneys strolled in, in a conversational manner. "Put your testicles away and look out of the window!", he demanded peremptorily. Then he climbed into the wardrobe with his ubiquitous harem of lusty ewes and slammed the door shut. Nigel sprinted to the window, but in his haste he did not notice that the window was open and he tripped over the sill and fell...
... head-first, plunging towards certain fate. Then ... 'clunk, 'click, 'clunk Nigel's gyrocopter-backpack automatically roared reassuringly into action. Nigel levelled out and began to ascend. Then suddenly the 007-like - 70's style copter spluttered ... the diesel engine couldn't cope with Nigel's unfeasibly large testicles (Long Live Viz) - the copter wasn't designed for such majestic sex pips. Nigel soared towards the ground. Swift thinking was vital, but Nigel was exhausted. He reached inside his hefty utility belt and pulled out a small, compact, leather-bound book entitled ...
'How to fix your gyrocopter-backpack in one easy step'. Nigel, being a total super-hero, didn't need to read it but he placed it in his 'Book-reader' device on his utility belt. Two seconds later, a robot was released from his belt, who then proceeded to fix Nigel's gyro- copter. Saved! As nigel again spiraled back up into the sky, he looked though his window and noticed SUZY looking though all of his stuff. He wondered...was she a detective? was she a spy? or was she just very ugly?
