The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog: Chapter IX
As The Overlord towered above our super-hero Nigel could see all the way up his kilt. The Overlord was dressed in full Scottish dress and Nigel now knew what was worn underneath kilts, not a pretty sight, were all main characters always hung like blue whales Nigel wondered.
Suddenly The Overlord bellowed, "Seize him men".
Two short stout men wearing horizontally striped black and white jerseys, black flannel trousers, and silly-looking berets darted from behind The Overlord towards Nigel. Nigel's reactions weren't quick enough this time as his eyes were still fixed upon The Overlord's love-gun. The Overlord's two powerful assistants over-powered him and promptly tied his paws securely with strong rope. Our tied and gagged hero was then carried down a spiral staircase into a dimly lit cellar. The cellar was littered with weird and wonderful(or so thought Nigel) gadgets and contraptions. Nigel naturally assumed that they were products from "Second Skin" but then he realised that he was in a huge torture chamber - which was used for its original purpose. Nigel was then tied to a large bench, his arms fastened above him and his legs, apart, fastened below him. Then to his horror a huge rotating circular saw started to make its way towards Nigel's wedding-tackle. The Overlord then entered the cellar with a broad, evil smile on his face ...
Nigel was worried, not unnaturaly. As the gonad removing equipment came towards our hero, inch by creeping inch, the massive tungsten diamond tip blades making a terrible howl as they whirled through the air the Overlord gloated over our prickly friend in this prickly predicament. The Overlord started to tell our hero all about his plans for world domination by replacing peoples gonads with genetically altered sheep/gonads and controlling their minds from below. He also said (angrily) that the rampant gonads Nigel had encountered during the plot were left over from this master plan, you see he had carried this plan out some years ago and it had been fully successful, men were controlled by their gonads and he had power over the world. Unfortunately it had seemed to females that men had always been controlled by their lunch-boxes, so nobody even noticed that they were now under the power of the overlord. I mean he had been making men screw up the political situation for years, we were at the brink of nuclear war and destruction of the planet, people daily ran over hedgehogs, but nobody gave a fuck. Well actually that is just about all they ever got round to these days, and everyone was really quite happy about it. Except of course the hedghogs who bore the brunt of it by being squashed flat on the roads. The Overlord had long since given up on humans as a lost cause and left them to it (yes I do mean it like that) and had decided that the most intelligent and influential race on the Earth was (yes you've guessed it) HEDGHOG. This gaining of knowledge enlightened Nigel but he was still about to lose his precious meat-and-two-veg, how could he get out of this one?
Nigel writhed desperately, his super brain running through all the possible escape routes. "Hmm, if I could only pull a super strong spine out this scenario would be no problem", Nigel thought aloud, rather conveniently. He twisted his head around and, just in the nick of time, removed a particularly vicious looking needle from his back and blew it at the saw. The needle jammed into the saw's axle. This was more than the ancient machinery could tolerate and with a huge walloping, banging sort of sound the whole caboodle exploded sending Nigel flying through the air and out through the closed doors like a bullet. Amazingly enough...
He flew into a room he had not previously encountered ( Not very surprising - having only seen the cellar ), in which stood, on a massive plinth, in the very centre of the room, a control pedestal. Landing, rather uncom4tably ( He got up and actually had to brush himself down ! ), Nigel found himself at the base of the plinth. Climbing up to the pedestal, Nigel found it had lots of controls and screens, for controlling gonads worldwide. There was also a big red button, with don't press this written beside it. At this moment the Overlord walked in, followed by his lackies, carrying sub-machine guns. 'Get down from there !' he shouted, and motioned to his men to open fire. As Nigel ducked behind the console, the air about him was filled with lead. Hesitantly, Nigel reached up to the controls ( Miraculously, the whole pedestal seemed unharmed ), and hit the red button. The pedestal glowed yellow, then red, the white, then blue with pink blotches, and then exploded in firey splendor. Nigel was propelled by the force of the blast, straight out of the window, and high into the air. Luckily, Nigel was wearing his gyrocopter backpack ( Why was that not mentioned earlier ? ), and flew gracefully off, away from the overlords castle, which exploded in a chain reaction, leaving only a massive crater, and a vague head shape in the smoke. Nigel seemed to hear words floating in the air, 'The World Shall Hear From Me Again'. At last men were free from control by their gonads, Nigel thought, as he flew into the sunset ...
... but over the world, things continued all the same !
