The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog: Chapter VIII
Nigel did not need to sit and think for long. He was used to VERY long cylinders covered in vaseline (but thats another story). He quickly removed his right boot and slipped his hand down to the toe end, pulling out a hot-air burner and a huge canvas that he always kept for these occasions. "Pooh, pretty cheesy!", Nigel held his nose, he had forgotten about his super toes and their ability to stink the place out. He held the burner up in the air with his right hand and waved the balloon-like canvas with the other, remembering to pick up his boot as he took off. Up, up in the air he floated singing suitably jolly hedgehog songs as he ascended. Nigel steered the balloon with his feet by swivelling them one way or the other. When he was directly above the awesome castle he let go of his canvas, dropped the burner and fell gracefully onto the point of a flag-pole on which the evil overlord's fearsome flag flew freely from. "Ow!" cried our hero as in agony he leapt off the flag-pole and onto the turret of the highest tower. He peered over the edge and suddenly remembered one of his great weaknesses, he was terrified of heights! As his legs turned to jelly he felt himself...
all over to make sure he was alright. Then he stepped off the ledge, after all, as he said to himself, 'I might have been frightened, but I am a hero'. The tower top was deserted, only a trapdoor in the floor led down ( Well, I say trapdoor, it sounds a bit medieval, it was actually a sunroof, made of glass, and a little cracked ). He opened it ( It smashed behind him as the cracks took their toll ), and climbed into the darkened musty depths ( of a well lit and ventilated room ). Nigel began to fear that his imagination was running away with him, and was sure when he saw, in his minds eye, himself running away with an imaginary imagination ( What does an imaginary imagination look like ?, it's hard to describe, use your imagination ). He pulled himself together ( He felt, literally ), and set off down what passed for a corridor ( it seemed like a giant sewage pipe, leading, in that amazing way your imagination knows, into oblivion ). He saw a huge, ugly growth in the side of the pipe, sorry, corridor , on it hung ( by a noose ) a notice. It read :
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| Hallucinogenic Projector |
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| Do not believe everything you see |
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------'Is this the real world, is this just fantasy ... ', Nigel seemed to hear the words of the Queen song ringing in his ears ....
Nigel used his "do not start shitting yourself in all situations" power to walk past the sign on the noose without shitting himself as he has been doing all too frequently. Unfortunately he was so preoccupied with getting past the Projector he missed the army of Soldier Gonads advancing towards him in an oppressingly military fashion, tripped over them and fell into a stagnant, stenching pot of fresh .... ( NO not mince) Then the Projector changed its tune ( it has a built in jukebox as well ) but Nigel didn't realise what was happening and found himself nostalgicall in a four poster bed with Nancy , Goney-babes Wizard-man, Ronny, and a pillow. He was just about to pull out his pack of ribbed-extralarge-frillybitsontheend- Mates-.....
when....
he snapped out of this boring idea and pulled out his anti-hallucinogenic pills >from his utility belt and swiftly gulped down two with extraordinary skill. Nigel continued down the corridor until he came to a low door-way, but there was ample room for our super-hero to walk com4tably through it. As he entered the huge medi-evalish courtyard in front of him Nigel could hear cheers and happy cries echoing off the lofty walls around him. He began to walk around the court-yard, this time obeying the many "KEEP OFF THE GRASS" signs. As Nigel approached a large arch-way the wails of laughter intensified, his imagination was running wild - thinking about what could be behind the huge wooden gates of the arch-way. The gates were guarded by two towers either side. A spiral staircase ran up to one. Nigel promptly galloped up the stairs, killed the two (undoubtedly ignorant) guards in the Watchtower with two neat james_bond_would_be_proud_of rabbit punches. Then he crossed over into the other linked tower, over the arch. Here he found a large wooden lever with the words "PULL ME" scrawled across it. Nigel was unsurprising sceptical about this but pulled the lever anyway ... shhhhcreeek ... the huge ancient wooden doors beneath him opened hydraulically. Nigel sprinted down the stairs and to his amazement, the open arch-way revealed ...
The vastly obese figure of Dingo Skidneys, Nigel's boss from MI5, strapped down on a medieval rack being stretched while a saucy sheep whipped him with a wet lettuce leaf. "Aha, there you are, Nigel. At last!" shouted Dingo, after he had finished screaming with a strange mixture of agony and ecstasy. "Isn't it about time that you got back to pursuing your goal? I don't pay you for nothing, you know." Nigel backed out obsequiously and removed a slip of paper from his utility belt, this was the outline of his mission. It said:
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* ONE POUND OF BANANAS *
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* A LOAF OF CUT GRANARY BREAD *
* (with no added preservative) *
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* SEVEN GALLONS OF MILK *
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*******************************************************************************Oh no, our superhero had the wrong piece of paper!
Well, it looked like a trip to the supermarket was in order. Nigel swiftly left the castle ( in the unopposed way that is so easy to manage on a sidetrack from the plot ), and headed for the shops. He managed easily to find the Milk and Banana's, although, naturally, the shopping trolley was hard to cope with, as usual. However, the Granary Bread was harder to find. It could be found in many forms, but only uncut bread was available without preservatives, so he got a loaf of that instead. On return to the castle, Nigel found Dingo in the same situation, although with slightly greater ecstasy and agony. Dingo commented, 'Well Nigel, you have proved your worth once again, not many hedgehogs would have used their own intelligence and bring me an alternative loaf like that, very well done. Now, having shown your brilliance, this is what you must do, defeat the overlord. If you lean closer, I will tell you what to do ....
Nigel didn't think it would be this easy, and it isn't. The skill that The Grand Wizard Testicle of Chaos had given him was accidentally used and he teleported to a much more interesting location. Hmm, he thought as he scanned the seas around himself, "I seem to be in the middle of the ocean on an inflatable bed with only one person for company. The GRAND WIZARD himself. "hello Nigel, I see you have used my power", spake the wizard. "er, yes but it would be really quite helpfull if I went back to where I came from as I was about to be told what to do.", explained Nigel, desperate that he may be missing a vital part of the plot. "Oh, very well then", said Wiz'. Kerbam! He was back with his boss who was saying "......and that my friend is all there is to it. Now run along will you and get on with it." The door shut and Nigel was alone again in the Castle. Where would he go and what would he do?
As Nigel stared at the huge doors in-front of him he spotted small sign just to the right of the gate. As he approached, he read the sign with disbelief :
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* TO THE OVERLORD'S OFFICE ------> *
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*************************************The sign pointed to tower in the corner of the court-yard. As Nigel reached the landing at the top of the stone stairway of the tower he was faced with a carved wooden door, tatooed with grotesque seemingly chaotic creatures, mutated orcs, goblins, hob-goblins, nob-goblins, wheelers, ogres' heads, trolls, and nilbogs. Anyway enough of fantasy. Nigel reached for his utility belt pulling out an old 2nd. World War cold black luger - even super-heros had spending budgets. Nigel stealthely crept towards the door, then took two paces back and charged towards the door. SMACK ... his small hedgehog-like frame caused no damage whatsoever on the solid oak door. Instead Nigel thought he should try a different ploy ... KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK ...
"Who's there?", was the reply from the other side as could be expected. "Nigel" replied our hero using his o-so-sexy let's have a chortle skill ( one of many in his repertoire ). "Nigel who??", was the reply from a rather agitated being whose voice was almost recognisable. "Nigel my hair every morning", came the super-witty, piece-de-resistance, line which he had been saving up to use all his life. Well, did he chortle or did he CHORTLE?
He rolled about the floor smashing into the oak door on numerous occasions, rolled down one of those open gutters, down through the sewage pipes, up backwards past the towers, through a skylight, bounced off some sheep in wolf's clothing, and landed back in front of an open oak door. There stood the overlord staring at this extremely dubious round prickly thing, whilst playing with...
