The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog: Chapter VI
Nigel walked to his car, wondering if he would ever be able to forget Nancy, reluctantly got into his car, for he knew that the lives of his prickly friends back home depended on the successfull reaching of his goal. As he sped down the road he clung lovingly to the negligee for emotion support, nothing really seemed to matter anymore, should he bother to carry on his quest when the one he loved waited for him to return. After about an hour he was able to let go of the garment and shoved it in the glove compartment, shoving the used jonnies out of the way. "How will I continue with my goal without my Nancy?", he sobbed. Something stirred in the back of the car, Nigels super senses were alerted. He turned to see a shape rising from behind the red leather seats. It was a woman in a nurses outfit with no underwear (Nigel of course had X-Ray vision) "NANCY!!!!", he exclaimed with passionate joy. He pulled the car over into the LAY-by and leapt into the back with Nancy and set about the business. " Carefull not to stain the read leather seats!", gasped Nancy, "Sod em!! And don't talk with your mouth full", replied Nigel. As Nigel enjoyed this welcome break from his mission he was little aware of who was watching him from a black limo' a few hundred yards behind him......
The black limo sauntered up to the Road-hog, the two people totally mesmerised by the resonating rocking motion that the car had been undergoing these past few minutes ( sorry hours - it would never do if our hero was finished prematurely now would it?? - damn this is getting incredibly implicative and rather dirty ) and they couldn't understand what could possibly be going on in there. That is basically because villains are always thick sods with striped shirts and loot bags. Anyway both partners were totally knackered not to mention naked at the end of all this and eventually climbed out >from deep inside the wonderfully plush (not so plush any more) leather seat only to be held at strychnine-gunpoint by the two villains. Nigel lashed out for his utility belt - it wasn't on him. For not the first time in his highly adventurous life Nigel froze. "Help", wimpered Nancy as the apparent kidnappers moved in...
Nigel sat, thinking of how easily he could disarm these thugs and escape, but he thought that he would wait to find out who had hired them. He tried to scratch an itch, but his hands were tied. When the car finally arrived at it's destination, Nigel was forced out of the car, grabbing the utility belt as he did so. He was brought into a huge room, with, at the far end an occupied chair, in front of a bright light. Nigel could not make out the identity of the occupant, but he saw a hand dismiss him from the room. Before he was locked into the cell, Nigel was searched, but the thug somehow missed seeing the packed belt ( Why do evil overlords never use bright men, this one was so dull that even a day's polish with brasso wouldn't give him a shine ! ). When the guard's back was turned Nigel examined his belt. He tried to find his skeleton keys, but remembered they had been animated by an evil necromancer, his lock- picks were dropped into the canal after a particularly unsuccessful play on words. Ever resourceful, Nigel pulled out one of his own spines to pick the lock with. As he tried the door, he discovered it was open anyway ( where do they get them from ? ), and set about dealing with the guard. The guard, spinning around impressively ( So that was why he was hired, he did that spin very well ! ), to confront Nigel. Nigel pulled a gun, and pressed the trigger. A bright red flag, with BANG written on it emerged. He drew a knife, and stabbed the guard, but it was a telescopic, stage knife. He tried to garotte the guard, but the string broke. He drew a sword, but it was a rubber one. He pulled out a poison bottle, but it contained aspirin. His blowpipe had been converted back into a pen. By this time the guard was rolling about on the floor in paroxisms of laughter, and then had a heart attack from the exertion. Nigel and Nancy escaped.
Well not escaped exactly. Although they were safe from the clutches of the dim-witted guard (or should it be plural?) they still had to find out who was the overlord, and why did want to stand in the way of Nigel's goal ?
"phewwwwwwwwwww, that was close" Nigel muttered as he and Nancy climbed over a small brick wall. My god, Nancy had beautiful legs Nigel thought as she stradled the wall with ease. He wanted another back-seat session with his steamy seductress, ney he must find out who was behind this fiendish hedgehog/sheep-nap. (By the way, what kind of creature is Nancy anyway - sheep seems familiar). But Nigel supposed there was just about time for a quickie. He manfully tugged Nancy by her slender (for a sheep) wrists toward an inconspicuous bush. Next to the bush was a small sign with the order, "NO BONKING", printed upon it. Nigel had no time for such trivial notices. As they went behind the bush Nancy tore off her clothes (scarce though they were), instantaneously randy. Nigel lay on his back, undid his utility belt and welcomed Nancy's warm (a bit to warm at climax), heaving body. Then as they began exchanging bodily fluids the earth did move, literally, as a trap door beneath them opened sending them swirling spiralitically(?) down ... Nigel would take more notice of small signs next to inconspicuous bushes in the future ! cor what a pisser ...
Nigel was now plunged into darkness. He could see nothing, feel nothing, touch nothing or hear nothing. Fortunately, he could still smell and took a deep breath - it smelt just like a dark room! After a few minutes, he came back to his senses and a bright light shone from before him. He saw the silluette of two sheep(s) standing up, arm in arm. As his eyes re- adjusted to the bright light, he noticed one of the sheep was Nancy!
He cried out for Nancy but she was too engrossed with this other 'alien' sheep. Then the other sheep spoke and told him that Nancy was his - she had just lured Nigel to this place. Nancy confirmed this and told Nigel she had never loved him - and thought he had as much sexual stimulation as a golf ball. Nigel had been betrayed! They shut the door, locked it and walked away, laughing. Nigel was left there in this deep, dark cellar all alone.
Nigel was hurt, not only was he a super-hedgehog, but he had never had a complaint about his amazing sexual prowess before. In fact words such as "Big-Boy", "Hung like a Blue-Whale", "More staying power than Mr Jack Staying-Power McStaying-Power, the man with the most Staying_Power in Staying-Power Land" and the best thing to happen to women since the diesel powered vibrator. He fastened his utility belt and walked slowly to the door, disheartened as all that he valued had been false. Was it worth going on? He then realised that this is exactly what the overlord wanted him to think, to make him give up his goal and wallow in self pity. He was more of a man than that (well more of a hedgehog) and would rise above it. Now, even more determined to beat the overlord and save his prickly friends back home, he strode to the door, looked at his utility belt and selected a junior hacksaw. Using his "Saw like buggery" skill he deftly reduced the door to a large pile of wood shavings. He left the room and walked stealthely down the brushed aluminium corridor, past many unmarked doors, he reached the end of the passage, a T junction, there was a sign:
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| ++ ++ +++++ +++ ++ ++ ++ +++++++++ |
| + + + + + + + + + + + + |
| + + + ++++ + + + + + |
| + ++ + + + + + + ++ ++++++++ + |
| + + + + + + + + + + + + |
| ++ ++ + + +++ ++ ++ ++ + |
------------------------------------------------------------------------Would he follow it or would he again ignore a sign and go left?
Well, so what to do, Right, Left or straight ahead. Straight ahead was ruled out, brick walls are fairly sturdy. Was the sign a good idea or a bluff, or a double bluff, or a treble bluff, or what ! Pulling a coin out of his money belt ( a subsection of his utility belt ), he threw it in the air, heads for left, tails for right. It came down heads ( Not suprising for a double-headed coin, well you didn't think Nigel would obey signs did you ! ), and Nigel turned left. He followed the passage until it came out of a hidden entrance, on a hill. All he had to do was to lead an army of hedgehogs up here to storm the evil overlord, he almost started to buckle his swash, when he realised he was daydreaming again. Then he was it, a sign saying ....
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| Overlords secret laboratory |
| |
| Keep out by order |
| |
| Nasty things going on, but you could always look through |
| the keyhole, even if the door does have |
| 15000000000 locks ! |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------He couldn't be dreaming now, he never liked James Bond !
-=*=-
Next part soon.
