The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog: Chapter III
Nigel hated dry roasted pea-nuts and he knew that Ronny knew that he detested them and hence they acted as a clever disguise. The cunning disguise had worked rather well up to now (which is quite surprising when you consider that Nigel was the only creature in the whole place that didn't resemble a sheep). But then, their two gazes met. They both froze instantaneously. Ronny bolted upright and raced toward Nigel ...
Nigel knew what to do. He dodged and weaved, jumped and diving, spinning and moving with that athletic grace mentioned earlier. By this time, Ronny (or was that Ronnie ?) had nearly reached Nigel, but he pulled to a stop, hypnotised by Nigel's breakdancing.
With great ferocity, Nigel took advantage of his enemy's momentary lapse and lunged towards him and started chewing his ankles. But this of course was a great mistake since Ronnie had very sensitive ankles, and a fetish about ankle chewing.
Nigel, unaware of his suggestive actions, thought he was tackling an arch enemy with ferocious force. His skill at maming people and animals was second to none,he thought, and Ronn{y | ie} would be down on his knees sooner or later.
His actions were sustained for another couple of minutes when Nigel began to get a little nervous. He looked up to face Ronny and noticed the grin of escatsy. Ronny lost his fit of jealosy and had forgotten his death wish. Nigel was the one he loved, and he now had him, chewing his ankles! OOOhhhh...love!
Now, as has already been pointed out Nigel no longer likes Ronnae and was somewhat taken aback by Ron's reaction. To avoid further sexual entanglement Nigel had to think of something quick! "Look! Up There!", pointed Nigel and Ronye immediately shot his glance skywards. Nigel detatched himself from Runny's ankles and made for the door, pausing only to pick up his dry roasted peanuts. Ronn noticed this and chased after our intreped hero with fury (and dissapointment) in his veins....
As Nigel raced out on to the road, he was in such a hurry he forgot about his other arch enemies, the lorry drivers. He ran over the road with so much as glancing left or right. But of course, our hero could not die such a miserable death. He just managed to roll to safety as a juggernaut thundered past him. Ron however was not so fortunate. Once the lorry had past, Nigel could see what looked like a very bloody sheep skin rug lying on the road.
Our hedgehog hero was STUNNED!! Prickley as he may have been he was very sensitive (corny or what) and he dived over to Ronnie (or Ronny or Ronn or Ronn) with as much athletic grace as he could muster to console his ex in his last moments on this precious Earth. There was nothing Nige could do. Nige slapped Ronnie-poos on his back and carried him over to the hard shoulder where he laid him to rest in a most gracious manner - if that is possible with a bloody, rug-like, dead sheep. Nige took off his ruck-sack and pulled out a battery operated pneumatic drill. "A roadside grave would have been exactly what Ronnie would have wanted", he reflected solemnly. All of a sudden the pub door was flung open and another sheep came rushing only out to see Ronnie apparently being mutilated by a 8 inch tall hedgehog with a pneumatic drill. This sheep saw RED!! (not only because of all the blood). This sheep's name was Bonnie. This sheep was Ronnie's twin brother!!!
Well! Bonnea leapt towards Nigel in a staggering flying tackle (staggering because he was rat-faced having just come out of the pub. Nige did not, however, notice this as his eyes were misted with tears and his ears were full of the sound of someone drilling up the road. Bonn landed next to Nige, tripped and, because of the momentum from leaping over the road, slid in front of Nige. Drrrrrrrrr-squelch-Drrrrrrrr-splat-Drrrrrrr- suelch-Drrrrrrrrr. Nigel stopped drilling for a moment and put what he thought was part of Ronnies body back with the rest of it. He wondered why Ronnies body had slipped over under the drill, not that it made much difference as he was in a pretty bad state anyway. After the hole was dug Nige put both bodies in the grave (wondering why Ronne seemed to have eight legs) and started to say last rights. Unfortuneately this whole episode had been watched in horror and dismay at the openess of such butchery against sheep by the whole population of the pub through the window. A massive hoard of furious sheep steamed out of the door, brandishing branding irons, hot >from the fire and charged at Nige. Now, as has been said before Nigel has super powers, one of which is ESP, and it now told him that these sheep maent him no good. He paused wondering what to do as five hundred angry sheep tore towards him (two hundred died crossing the exceptionaly busy road) and he ...........
The noise of the heavy thuds loudened as the sheep approached, Nigel had to think fast if he was to get out of this one. Hold on, he thought, he was no ordinary hedgehog ... he had the invisiblity ability, no that was too easy ... how could he use one of his many super-hedgehog abilities and at the same time keep the plot resonably interesting, then it came to him, Chris was the fantasy wizz-kid, pass the plot onto ...
To confuse them, Nigel ran away. Then, he turned, running at full pelt towards them. He curled himself into a ball (Like all hedgehogs in times of trouble) and rolled between the legs of his attackers. He rolled over the road (narrowly missed by another jugganought) and into the pub. He had seen a sword earlier, hung on the pub wall as decoration, but it was too high to grasp. He ran up the stairs to the balcony, jumped off it, caught the chandelier, and swung over to the sword. He took it, and dropped down just in time to confront the first sheep. Fencing, sword verses branding iron Nigel fought them back, but the press of bodies was too great (three hundred sheep is a lot (my, that road is busy !)), and he was driven back. Now he faced six opponents at once, but he bravely struck again and again. Up the stairs he fenced, until he reached the top. Then he ran to the nearest door (The one whose keyhole he had used extensively earlier), with his pursuers close behind. While the attackers stared, stunned at the sights he had earlier admired, Nigel ran to the window and, saying a quick prayer, jumped through ...
And fell a considerable distance into the sunroof of his hog-mobile which he had earlier conveniently secreted in a nearby hedge. "Hurrah!", he cried, cruising down the road, the memory of his past relationships already dimming quickly. At the same time, Barry was just clambering out of the crater that had opened up in the road before him. For a moment Nigel played with the idea of taking advantage of the ironic switch in their situations and flattening Barry into the road, but this seemed inconsistent with his role as a superhedgehog. Instead, he decided to stop and offer his erstwhile attacker a lift. But Barry did not want a lift, he wanted to tell someone about his adventures in the pseudo-crater, which was in fact the entrance to a mysterious underground world ruled by Sainsburys carrier bags, [The 4p versions with proper handles not the far inferior free type], where men sat in goldfish bowls and walked around in circles gulping all day, and hedgehogs lounged about in purple smoking jackets saying such things as: "The soul is born old and grows young, that is life's comedy. The body is born young and grows old, that is life's tragedy." He affectionately kicked Nigel before him and together they entered the underworld.
The first corridor they entered was narrow and dark, followed by a second which was even narrower and darker. The third was more narrow and more dark, and the forth one was so narrow Barry had to lose a stone to get through it, and Nigel had to switch on his 'Vison-o-gram' super-spectacles for healthly vision.
A slimmer Barry and a stupid-looking hedgehog finally entered the pseudo-crater and looked all around them in wonder. All over the cave, goldfish bowls with humans in them, and Hedgehogs saying things like "The trouble with doing something original is that no-one apriciates how hard it was to do" hung around with little regard for Nigel or Barry.
SCREEN:[ wobble ... wobble ... wobble ] Barry rubbed his eyes, eventually focussing on an amazing sight. Not a wierd underground cavern as he thought, but a small prickly rodent driving a CAR ? Hold on what was stranger, a world run by Sainsbury shopping bags or a hedgehog driving an automobile. Barry really had hit his head badly ! Nigel continued driving, until he spotted a sign for a motel [what country is this anyway ?]. He thought this would be a good place to unwind from what most would call a busy night. He booked one room and waited for the men in white coats to arrive ... Alone again, Nigel rested ... It was a beautiful crisp (spring?) morning and Nigel knew he had to continue on his goal.
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Please send comments to: davet@uk.co.gec-rl-hrc
Thank you for your attention. Dave Thorpe.
