The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog: Chapter II
The hand was pretty bad as well. But enough of plays on words and onwards always onwards with the plot. Nigel felt a bit relaxed now, as he had defeated another commie-bastard lorry driver. But, using his inverse law he realised that something pretty bad would happen soon. He wound his weary way along the windey windy woad and wondered about why he was without water and wine. Luckily he saw in the distance a public house and increased his pace to reach it. As he approached it he recognised the "Leather Pope" ..... Ah memories... of him and Ronnie, who used to meet him there before going back to his den for a steamy prickly sex session, (if you consider the anatomy of a hedgehog then gay sex is probably quite painful). Oh well fuck Ronnie (not literally), I have no love for him now. But Ronnie had different feelings. Was he at this moment drowning his sorrows in the Leather Pope ? ....
Nigel pushed open the large creaky door with considerable trepidation. He need not have worried for inside the air was full of soft, mellifluous 'baa-ing' and the idyllic scene of orgiastic sheep in a variety of interesting positions, none of which had not occurred in Nigel's previous fantasies of course, as he was a hedgehog of the world. But suddenly his senses came back to him because from halfway around the world he could hear the agonised screams of a damsel in distress and he knew that now was the time for action.
His senses instantly alert, Nigel glared around the room. The atmosphere was smoky (from his extensive research Nigel knew it was of cigar smoke, from Havana, made on 3rd September 1987), the continuing screams appeared to come from upstairs. Quickly, but silently, Nigel made his way unseen through the crowded room (how DOES he do that?), and over to the stair. Climbing up the old wooden stairs was tricky (have you ever seen a climbing hedgehog ?), but he got to the top with surprising speed, agility and athletic grace. The screams came from behind a locked door (he knew it was locked, he saw films !), and he peered through the keyhole to look. Inside a sight met his eyes. After sorting out the various limbs, he realised that the screams were probably not of distress !
This dress was floating mysteriously in the air without a second thought for other occupants of the establishment. You see, Pinafore the dress, (Pinny to her friends - $40 an hour to strangers), was part-time super- soprano singer with that well known group of Close harmony singers, the "Willy Jockstrap and the fan-danglers". Her dubious voice was not all that it should have been. Desperately trying to hit top-E in their opening number, "She was only a fishmongers Daughter But....", she cracked 2 mirrors, 5 World Records and came a close third in the World "Orgasm faking" contest taking place 200mile away in Dreamland.
And as we return to the story of our intrepid super-hero 'Nigel', who's cause for peace, freedom and justice was so rudely interrupted by ramblings about dresses and other such like, he returned downstairs to drink some hearty ale with the people of this fine planet, who loved Nigel so dearly.
He ordered a bottle of 'old peculiar' and sat drinking drowning his sorrows as he realised he had not done one super-hedgehog thing all day. He had not saved any soles from eternal sin, had not saved and cats from disgusting cat food, and had not given his autograph to anybody! Oh woe!
But in the distance, and getting closer, the evil, jealous forces of darkness headed southwards to mame - even kill - our dear super hero Nigel. Little did our friend know.
Ronnie opened the pub door, nuzzling it open to its full extent with his nobbly nasal nostrils, only to have it slammed basck in his face by some inconsiderate piss-head who didn't appreciate the 'oh so fresh' influx of air into the pub (by the way is it a pub or a hotel?) Ronnie was not a ram who gave up easily!! Half an hour later he was at the bar ordering a drink - called a BLOODY NIGEL - whilst laying a fresh layer of excrement on the shoes of the inconsiderate sod. Nigel was strategically placed on the opposite side of the bar, drink in one hand, dry roasted peanuts in the other......
-=*=-
More later.
