The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog: Chapter one
Nigel was no ordinary hedgehog. He was a 'super' hedgehog, with extra-ordinary powers. Everything about him was sharp - his needles, his hearing, his eyes.
And in other's eyes too - Nigel was no ordinary hedgehog. They looked up to him and respected his deep sensitive nature. For Nigel was their hero.
One of his most amazing qualities was his ability to cross roads. He was the only hedgehog in the neighbourhood who had learnt the Green Cross Code.
It was thus, equipped with these abilities (and more as you will see as the story unfolds), that Nigel set out from the family den (<- this word is under dispute, it could be 'set', 'burrow', 'nest' or something else, find out and correct it later) or whatever hedgehogs live in and started down the long and hazardous path towards his goal.
Da road was long, an he strode down it like a man ( or at least - like a hedgehog ). Da vehicles just seemed to fly past him, never touching, never stopping, in his life, none ever had. But this day was not to be like any other, a Huge vehicle thundered towards him ....
Sitting high above the road encapsuled securely in the cab of his juggernaut sat Barry. He lay back langorously, one hand on the wheel, the other grasping his Yorkie bar rapaciously. When he caught sight of Nigel striding boldly down the road he instinctively let go of his chocolate and reached up to put another mark on his 'killer sheet'.
"Got ya, you bastard!", he cried in anticipation. Unfortunately he did not recognise Nigel, whose external appearance was very similar to any 'normal' hedgehog. Nigel stared Barry straight in the eyes and peremptorily declared "My needles of steel will deflect your vehicle with ease." Barry swept forward regardless of Nigel's warning and crash!, his van fell into a huge pothole that he had hitherto been ignorant of. This was lucky for Nigel because in actual fact his needles weren't steel at all. You see as a nipper he had fallen into a huge vat of bulls' excrement and ever since he became very fond of saying things that weren't strictly true.
As Barry and his juggernaut tumbled down the bottomless ravine a wry smile could be seen forming on Nigel's lips (provided you were looking).
He delved into what he regarded as his 67.45 litre rucksack to pull out yet another packet of Macoy's Traditional Cheese Flavoured crisps. He ate, slowly, relishing the strong, overpowering aroma that arose as each crisp entered his mouth. He moved to the hard shoulder picked out his hedge-o-fax and resolutely ticked off one more lorry driver from his list - 57 897 drivers killed to date. He did not believe in Bullshitting to anyone about anything. Travelled the world he had and the stickers on his rucksuck proved it so who cared if he wore dentures! He got up, manured the roadside as he had done in so many previous countries and moved on...
Unfortunately,
Nigel knew that his long run of good luck was inevitably going to walk, for Nigel knew that his gay lover from Glasgow was after revenge. Ronny, Nigel's Scottish lover was like no lover Nigel had ever loved. No, it wasn't that Ronny was a sheep that was particularly strange to the outsider (anything goes nowadays), or that Ronny was a closet transvestite (anything goes nowadays), or that he worked in a slezy strip-bar Thursday nights (anything goes nowadays), no Ronny was jealous, madly jealous, possibly even insanely jealous (no I wouldn't quite go that far). That one winter's night spent together on that long hard shoulder in beautiful embrace, was something which Ronny just couldn't get out of his mind.
Ronny wanted Nigel. He wanted him so bad. He ...
...well, sort of fancied Nigel.
But Nigel had better things to do. He rarely reflected upon Ronny. For he did not (and had never) needed Ronny. His love was for innocent people, those caught in the jungle of life - he strived to make the world a better place through his very self. And his love of people was rewarded by the people loving Nigel back. And he knew this, and felt proud of it. He didn't need material love like normal mortals - he had higher love!
Others didn't think so. Far, far away, jealously was stirring and setting off to murder our dear friend Nigel. Evil happenings were afoot...
