Freebage 5: MEALAGE
I love to not have to pay!
- Freebage 1-Elementary Bernsteining
- Freebage 2-Professional Bernsteins
- Freebage 3-The Super Bowl Story
- Freebage 4-Bootlegging Concerts
- Freebage 5-Eating for free
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F R R E E B B A A G E 5
FFF RRR EEE EEE BBB AAAAA G GG EEE 5555
F R R E E B B A A G G E 5
F R R EEEE EEEE BBB A A GGG EEEE 5555
*********************** MEALAGE *************************
* by *
* --> DISMAY <-- *
* of the Injustice League *
*********************************************************
Dec 4, 1989 3:05 pmHuh?
Well hello kiddies and welcome to another installment of the Freebage series. If you haven't been introduced to the Freebage files, then get Freebage 1-4 (particularly 1 and 2) so that you will better understand the ideals behind these files. File 1 and 2 introduce the Bernsteiner to the various methods of getting things for free, 1 being an introduction, and 2 a more advanced study. Freebage 3 is a story involving the uses of the techniques discussed in 1 and 2, and 4 is called Bootleggage, to learn about taping and selling concerts.
It's been a while since I've written any Freebage stuff, and since the last installment my friends and I have come up with several new methods of getting things for free.
This issue covers what we like to do the most now, get food for free, thus the title "Mealage," which means getting a free meal. So, read on and enjoy yourself!
Flip them burgers, hup, hup, hup!
Boy, aren't you hungry? But I bet that you don't have a bit of money on you. Sucks, doesn't it? Well, you don't have to go hungry.. all you need is a car and a little bit of guts.
This method of getting food for free is good when you are wanting food right then... you can't wait till you have money, etc., you have to eat NOW!
First, get in your car. You don't have one? Get a friend to drive, it doesn't matter, just make sure the driver is cool, because the driver usually has to do the work.
Then, go to your nearest drive-thru fast food place, and enter the lane to get food. Now, I know you don't have money, but not to worry. Pull up to the ordering sign and wait.
"Can I take your order?" Blasting out of the speaker.
"Uh, hello, I was here about a half an hour ago and picked up food, and you forgot my -(fill in with what you want)-."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"It's in the bag."
If they continue to hassle you for a receipt, get angry. Tell them that this happens to you every fucking time you go there, and you are sick of it.
You had to drive all the way back to get the missing ________ and you aren't going to be satisfied unless you get what you want.
They should now give you the food that they supposedly forgot. This works good everywhere, because these shitholes have a policy that says that if someone says that they were shorted, they have to owe up. In short, "the customer is always right," even though you aren't a "real" customer.
When doing this, don't go overboard. Don't say that McDonald's forgot your Big Mac, your large fries, your 32oz Sprite, etc. Narrow it down to one or two items, preferably of the same ilk. Like go to Burger King and get the burgers, go across the street to Kentucky Fried Chicken to get the drinks, etc., etc.
This always works without a hitch, unless, and this is a big unless, you go to the same place and do it often until they can recognize you. Make a mental note of where you have been and be sure not to do it that often. It's good if you do it once on a Monday, and then the next time on a Friday, because the chances that you get the same good working the window is slim.
Ok, I am sure that if you run into any problems you should be creative enough to work them out. Just remember, their job is to serve you well, even if you are ripping them off (as long as they don't know that you are ripping them off) so don't ever back down once you start talking to them or you will "ruin" that place because they will surely remember you.
In a land of spatted foil water bison ...
You're sick to death of fast food and you want something good. Something expensive. But you still have not a cent to piss on. If you are determined enough, you can eat at any restaurant in your particular city, for free.
Requirements:
- A phone
- A nice set of clothes
- An adult voice
These should be easy enough to come by, unless you are a kid, which fortunately enough for me, I'm not. So, round up these things and get ready.
Pick out a nice place to dine at and call them up.
(The following is a transcript from an actual call.)
RING RING RING
"__________ Restaurant, can I help you?"
"May I speak to a manager, please?"
"Yes, who may I say is calling?"
"______________" (Name left out coz I ain't that stupid, in this situation give them your REAL NAME)
"Just a second." Pause
"Hi, this is Rick, how may I help you?"
"Yes, this is __________, I was in your establishment the other night with a business associate of mine, and we went ahead and ordered, and when the food came out it was a bit cold."
"Oooo."
"Well, I understand that this happens every once in a while, it was quite busy that night. So we told the waiter and he took it back into the kitchen. Well, the problem is, when he brought it back, it was even colder than it was when we first got the food."
"That doesn't seem possible!"
"I know, that is what is so odd! I come into your restaurant very often, and this is the first time that this has happened. And to make things worse, the waiter didn't even act like anything was wrong. It was like he was totally indifferent to what was going on."
"What night was this?"
"This was Saturday night." (Use any night as long as it wasn't long ago, if you call Wednesday, tell them you were in on Monday, etc.)
"Well I was working that night, why didn't you ask to speak with a manager?"
"I would have liked to then, but as I said, I was with a business associate of mine, and it was really an embarrassing situation. I didn't want to make things worse by causing a scene. I wasn't even going to call at all but I really feel bad about what happened, I mean I have recommended your establishment to several colleagues of mine, and I can't just write this one off."
"I know how you feel."
"Well, I would just like to know what you could do to make me want to come back to your restaurant, after all, I' d hate to see you lose a reputable customer."
"Oh, I don't want to lose a reputable customer! Tell you what, how would you like to come in sometime this weekend?"
"Well, I am free on Friday night." (Or any night that you deem necessary.)
"Ok. Come in Friday night with your associate, and ask for Rick. I'll make sure that your meal is perfect, and I'll pick up the tab."
"Rick, that would be great! I really appreciate this."
"Well, like I said, I'm sorry this had to happen, and don't want to lose good customer."
"Thank you very much, see you Friday night."
"Ok, good-bye."
"Bye."
We went in that Friday, and ate a rather large meal on the house, not including alcoholic beverages (something about the law).
One of the keys to doing this successfully is to be nice. Don't get too angry with the managers of these places or you will not fit the image you want to project. The last thing these guys want to do is give a free meal to an asshole. But, if you call up and just act disappointed in the service, food, etc., then they will gladly help you out.
Another point which is very important, is never, NEVER ask for a free meal outright! Always make them offer it. You can't get in trouble for complaining. Just use the line, "What can you do to make me come back?" Or: "What can you do to make me happy?" This way insures that you are not trying to just "freeload" in the eyes of Johnny Law.
As with the fast food Bernsteining, don't do this too often. The word may get around. Plus, you don't want to "burn out" your area. Once you do it at one place, you can't do it there again for a long time (unless you know they got a new manager, etc).
Also, above, in the transcript, I said to use your real name. Why lie? You can't get into any trouble! Plus, some restaurants will just send you out a gift certificate. Whenever I go to a place, I leave a nice tip (that's right I tip!) and my business card. This makes them feel good for doing it. You never want to let them know that you are scamming them.
I'd be the one to stick the hangar ...
Gee whizzerooni, kiddos, that looks like it's about all! If I forgot anything I will be sure to put it in Freebage 6, if there is one heh heh. Until next time, keep the faith and Bernstein your way to Peru!
finished 12/4/89 3:45pm
