Freebage 2: Professional Bernsteining
freebage 2: Professional Bernsteining
by DISMAY
April 19, 1989
12:00p.m.
Hello again! Welcome to part 2 of the Freebage series. I hope you have read Freebage Part 1: A Beginner's Guide to Bernsteining. If you haven't, locate that file and read it before you read this. It describes some basic Bernsteining techniques and gives some definitions to the terms used in this series. Part 1 dealt with hoarking in places such as bars, and grocery stores. In this issue I will talk about more challenging targets, such as amusement parks, concert events. Actually, these places can be quite easy to get into, with some brains, and a little luck.
Chilling toaster ovens and unidentified pizza rolls ...
Alrighty kiddies, let's begin. Suppose you hit the weekend without a cent in your pocket. No worries. You know that you can do things that an ordinary person would not dare. If you have any kind of amusement park, or theme park where you live, it is very much possible to spend the day there without spending money, and without having to climb over a fence. All you need to do it is some intelligence, and a good knack for bullshitting. Try not to look too much like a scum ball. Look like a tourist.
If you are going to do it at Disney World, wear a Mickey Mouse shirt, etc. You have to realize that most all of the people who work at these places are teenagers and young people in general. They aren't too concerned of being really strict, just to stand in place and grab tickets from people filing by. Now, you have arrived at the park, and are at the front gate. What you must do is wait for a large group of tourist looking people to be going in. The larger, the better.
The best groups are ones with a lot of handicapped or mentally retarded people. In groups such as these, the tickets for the entire group are handled by one or two people. If you see something like this happening, go towards the entrance. As they start le in, blend in with them. If only one of this group has the tickets, you are in luck. Try to act either really excited, or emotional about entering the park. If you are with retarded people, act a little slow, it isn't hard to do. Make sure you are in the middle of the group. Even the group shouldn't notice you until you are well inside, and by then you should be separated from them. If you want, put your arm around someone in the group as you pass through the gate. Say out loud "Isn't it great to g o see Mickey!!!" Make sure that the person you have your arm around gets excited, but doesn't freak out. They should thing that you are just someone having a really good time. Sometimes they really enjoy this.
Now, you've been sitting around the park entrance for an hour, and no group has come. Well, there is usually a large line of people entering the park. If you see that the line is moving in a fairly fast stream, this is good. Get in line. When you get up to the ticket person, act reta whatever you think will work and mutter to the employee, "he's (or she's) got my tickets," as you gesture behind you. By the time you squeeze through the gates and are inside far enough away, they will realize that there is one ticket missing from the whole deal, but most of the people who work at these places won't care. Sometimes when I have done this, the people in back of be have been refused entrance. I like when that happens. If you were lucky and got in this way, good. There isn't too much to worry about, as long as you weren't in sight when they discovered what was going on. If you put on a good mentally retarded act, you shouldn't be questioned.
Alright, what if there are no lines at all, or next to no lines. This is when bullshitting is your only tool to get in. Check out the people taking tickets. If it is slow they will be talking amongst themselves. Look for the person who is the "outcast" or not talking to the others. This may mean that they are shy, or new. Slowly walk to their line. If you have a hat, mash it down onto your head. When you get to them talk slowly and softly. Tell them that you were in the park with your mother and got lost. If you are older than a kid that would be with his mother, act retarded. Drool a bit. Tell them that you were with your mother and you got separated. You got really scared that she left, so you went out to the car, which was the only place that you knew how to get to for sure. When you got to the car you remembered her telling you before you went in that morning, "if we get separated meet me at the xxxxxx." Fill in with something that you know is in the park. If they ask you for a stub or something, act like you don't understand.
If they tell you that you can't go in without a ticket, start to cry. Stick to the story. If they get someone like a manager, stay with the story. Get more and more flustered and whiny the more they question you. Get them tears flowing!! It's good theatrics, and really fun to see how these react to you. Tell them all you want to do is get to the place your mother told you to meet her at and wait there for her. You might have an employee escort you to the spot. This has happened to me once, and that experience will be told about in Sportsage. If they find a person to escort you to the fictitious meeting place, seem relieved that you are there. Of course, your mother will be no where around. Tell them that you will have to wait there for her. After a few minutes of waiting they will eit her leave you alone there to wait, making you promise that you won't go anywhere, or they will ask you to leave. One thing, this method only works when you are alone. It would be hard to do this with more than 1 person. If they leave you alone, make sure they aren't going to be back in a while, then take off. You might want to wait until they come back to check up on you, that way they will really thing you are waiting for your mother. This method takes a long time to complete, but you feel really good when you successfully pull it off.
There are other ways like these that I have described, it's all up to your creative abilities. If you come up with any that work well, let me know, I will gladly put them in a future issue of Freebage.
Other notes... besides retarded people, you can grab onto old people too. They often come to theme parks in large groups, so they are a good target too! If you are stopped inside and accused of sneaking in, tell them you had a ticket and tell them to prove that you didn't. I don't think that there is a park that requires you to always carry a stub around proving that you paid to get in.
The only time I have been questioned at a park was when I used to hop the fence at Busch Gardens. If they see you enter like this they will most definitely go after you. Going in the front way is a lot better because the most they can make you do is get out of the way.
If you are stuck at the gate, and they are asking for a ticket, and you told them that the peopl you had it, and it gets fouled up somehow, act like the people you pointed to weren't the people that you meant. Say something like "holy cow, the people I were with are gone! They were right behind me!" This won't get you in, but it will keep you out of trouble. When this happens, leave the gate area and act pissed off that your friends left you, and try to get in later. It helps if there is more than one entrance. Also, if you are going with friends, go in separately. Unless you can squeeze in with a large group of tourists, it isn't advisable to be together. Have a meeting place arranged beforehand so that you can get back together once inside.
This all sounds real complicated, but it's almost too easy! As I said before, most of the people who work at these places are kids, and don't want to be bothered chasing after someone who squeezes through their line. So! Try this out and see what happens!
Excruciating Flatulence and Live Zen Worshi
Taking the things I have talked about in hand, you adapt them towards other things, such as getting into concerts. There are a few things that are concert specific, though. A crowd at a concert is much different from one at an amusement park. It is a lot harder to sneak into a concert than a park, because there are not "tourist groups" to blend into. Also, you usually get frisked.
One method that has been used is fairly simple. You just have t d a ticket stub. If you can get one, get it. You may have to wait for someone leaving the show to give you their's. Or, if you know someone who has paid, have them hand you the stub through a gate, or some place that you can "intersect" around the place where the concert is held.
If you are more daring, try this method... go to the place of the show early in the day. Try to get around to where the equipment is being loaded into the arena, or whatever the place is. If you can, slip in and find a place to hide out until the show starts. This can be hard, and takes a lot of patience. Again, if you can, use the skills taught in the last chapter.
Another good ploy is the wheelchair method. A big show should have a separate handicapped entrance. Have a friend wheel you to it. Be covered with blankets, and have on a lot of the band's junk, like shirts, hats, etc, so that you look like a real fan. The best kind of handicapped person to be is one that can't talk, that just sits and does nothing.
Now, let me get something straight with you, I am not prejudiced against handicapped people, this is simply a method used to enter places for free. I am sure that anyone handicapped in this way who reads this will find it moderately amusing. Enough said.
Okay, you are at the handicapped entrance, and they ask for your tickets. You, of course, can't talk. Drool a little. If you had a friend bring you in, they should say something like "oh they are with the rest of the guys who are in another." Have him ask the ticket takers to let you and your wheelchair sit inside so you won't get into any trouble. When he goes off, slowly wheel yourself to a good spot, and when they ticket takers aren't looking, slide in.
A wheelchair is also a real good way of smuggling things into a concert, be it drugs, cameras, or tape decks. The topic of tape decks and cameras will be dealt with in the file "Bootleggage". Look for it soon, heh. So, with all this, and a little flavor of your own, you will be e to Hoark with the best.
Finale, Finalo ...
Well, that does it for this issue of Freebage. Look for Sportsage coming soon. Sportsage is a story about me and two friends getting into the Super Bowl. I was going to make it a chapter in Freebage 2, but it's going to be quite a large file. Also, as mentioned before, look for Bootleggage, a guide to taping, filming, and bootlegging concerts.
And, as usual, please don't mess up the file. If you want to distribute like that, but if you do, don't change anything. Any additions that you think should be made, write yourself into a separate file, and get to me. It will be included in a future addition of Freebage. Hopefully I can get some people to write up a few things and put out a regular Tri or Bi monthly Freebage. If you have any suggestions, please address them to me, DISMAY. I can currently be reached at...um...well..probably wherever you found this file. Heh heh.
Until next time, may your Hoarking be god and Bernstein your way to hell.
