Freebage: a beginners guide to bernsteining
FREEBAGE PART 1: A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO BERNSTEINING
WRITTEN BY DISMAY
April 19, 1989
10:00 AM
"What the hell is Bernsteining?" you well may ask. Well it's the term that my friends and I use to describe getting into places, getting things and doing things at no cost to us, but to others. Once you learn some basic techniques, it will be easy for you to become a hoarker of severe level. Hoarking is another term, which means basically the same thing. Several other terms have been used to describe the process, but these are the ones that I like. Hopefully I will be able to tell enough about Bernsteining to get you going, and I hope I make some sense.
There are several different ways of Bernsteining. One method is shoplifting. But not ordinary shoplifting, no no! I am not talking about shoving a package of ding dongs down your pants and sweating while sneaking out of the store. When you "hoarklift" you do it with style. Another Bernstein method is the one that I like the best, getting into places for free. This one covers almost the whole Bernstein spectrum. One that know the techniques can get into almost anyplace they desire for free, if not for considerably less than what it would cost an uninitiated Bernsteiner. The best thing about all this is it's fun as hell! It's a great feeling to wake up in the morning with about $2.50 in change in your pocket, then by mid day be inside Walt Disney World, screwing with the old folks, eating your fill of junk in the Future World Cafe. Yes, it can be done, all for free if you know how. Hopefully, I can show you how, and the world can be full of Bernsteins.
Joe Albertson and the make for the shopping cart hoark ...
Let's talk about hoarklifting. It's a lot like shoplifting in that you go into a store and walk out with something that you didn't pay for, and now own. If you were to go into a store, such as Skaggs, Albertsons, Publix, Winn Dixie, Jewel Osco, etc, etc, etc... you would not want to be shoving merchandise down your drawers. The boneheads that work at these stores are dumb, but not dumb enough to not notice large bulges in your pants. Also, you are very limited by what you can fit in your pants. Unless you are skinny and got yourself made up to be a heifer, there just ain't much room in there. The goal here is to get a LOT of stuff out of the store, and maybe even get some help taking it out to your car.
Ok, let's get down to the nitty gritty. Things you need... umm you need yourself of course, and you gotta be half way presentable. You gotta look like someone who would have a whole shopping cart of groceries. When selecting items to take, don't be stupid. Don't fill a cart with beer. Fill it with whatever most people get when they are at the store. You don't want to draw attention to yourself at all. You must look like an ordinary customer. So.., when you comb the aisles, with shopping list in hand, and fill your cart as you wish, start going up to the front. Ok, this step is when the talent comes in hand. Hopefully you are in a store with a large exit area, lots of aisles, and they all should be busy.. The best days are Saturdays, midday, on a cloudy or overcast day, when the most people are in the store. The aisles will be backed up, and all available employees will be running the registers. At this point you have to get out your receipt from another trip, or one that you find in the area. Scan the store before entering, looking for a nice long one, that is in good condition. If you got one in hand, proceed past the registers and to the front to the store. The busier the store, the more confused the employees will be. You may be spotted by a bag-person, and they will ask you if you want help taking the groceries to the car. If they ask this, gladly tell them yes, and have them push the cart out and into your car. Give em a tip, 50 cents or so. They will like that. If no clerks are around, go to the doors and exit. Make sure that you have the receipt in your hands. The reason this works is that the people who work at these places are usually only concerned with what is going on in their lane, and no where else. If it is really busy, then the front end management will be running around making voids and even running registers if it's busy enough. If a cashier sees you pushing your cart full of groceries around, with receipt in hand, they will assume that you have been checked out and are looking for help taking the cart out, or you are on your way out. Rarely will a cashier ask you what you are doing. They all assume that someone else did the checking on you, and you are leaving under good terms.
Okay, you've read the details, and I have made it sound fairly easy. That's because I have left the hard part out! If you noticed, the groceries haven't been bagged, which will look VERY suspicious if you try to push them out of the store. This is where the real skill comes in. In the process of filling your cart you have to bag the groceries. No one can see what you are doing. This becomes a real problem because this method is used at peak hours when the store fullest. One way I bag the groceries is to bunch up the bags at the bottom of the cart, so I can place the groceries on top of them, and when no one is looking, pull the sides of the bag up and around the groceries. You may be able to come up with your own methods for doing this. A simple way of bypassing the bagging is to get groceries that don't need to be put into bags, such as bottles, beer (suspicious), large boxes, etc. This all depends on what kind of layout the store has, and how full the store is. Another thing that may be of assistance to you is some stores have a "lobby" entrance at one side of the store. In these stores you may be able to avoid the front end all together, and push the cart around the magazine rack, or whatever the particular store may have, and out the side door. Whatever you decide to do, you can't be hesitant. You have to be utterly convinced that what you are doing is FOOLPROOF. If you have the slightest doubt in your mind that you will get snagged, don't do it! It isn't made to be executed by people without any balls (sorry if any girls are reading this, you obviously don't have any balls in the physical sense).
If you are questioned by someone in the store... well if you are stopped before you exit the front doors, act like you are looking for someone to ring you up. Act foreign, act retarded, just play STUPID! Don't ever admit or act like you know what you were really doing. Ask the person who is questioning you where you have to go to pay for your groceries. If you are good, though, you can act like you paid for them and BS your way into the parking lot. But, if they ask to see your receipt, you are screwed. At this point, if they are about to get REALLY suspicious, then make a scene. Scream "why am I always treated like an idiot whenever I step into your shitty store! All I want to do is shop!", etc., etc... There is nothing worse to an employee than being yelled at by a customer in front of other employees and other customers. This will almost always get them to comply with what you want. If this works, stick with your story, and exit, or if you told them you would like to pay, have them show you where to get into line. If you exit, congratulations. If you end up in line, tuff luck. You gotta somehow get out of line and get the hell out of the store and don't try it again at that store. It might take you a couple times to get it down pat.
One thing that is important, if you haven't taken the groceries out of the door, and into the lot, you haven't stolen them! You can parade all day in front of the registers, and they can't do anything about it, because you haven't taken them out yet. So if you are stopped in front of the doors, before the exit, then you have done nothing wrong, and they can do nothing to you but ask you questions about if you have paid yet. Another good thing to say is "I was going to leave the cart here at the front while I ran out to my car for my wallet. I didn't want to leave the cart unattended in a line, because it would upset the other shoppers." This works well, it makes you sound like a real concerned shopper. If they say, "ok, we will watch it for you while you get your wallet" then go to get the wallet, and drive away. No luck that day. Just remember, as long as you are in the store you are safe, if you are followed outside and then asked if you have paid, then you are in deep shit. Hopefully you have enough brains to accomplish this task. In any case, I wish you luck, and lots of free groceries.
A tale of barage ...
Ahhh... there's nothing like being able to get into a bar for free, especially if it's an exclusive club, and ESPECIALLY if you are under age. I am now of legal age, so I am left out by the ladder, but I started the bar hoarkin at a young age. Bars are very easy to get into for free. So easy, in fact, that my friends and I would often visit 4 or 5 different bars on a single Friday night without ever paying for anything but gas (sometimes we had to pay for gugh).
One of the easiest methods of bar hoarking is the "tag" method. This is a way of getting in by using a "tag" given to people when they leave the bar so that they can get back in, bypassing any long lines. When you arrive at a bar, wait until you see people leaving the establishment, then observe what kind of tag they were given. It could be anything from a simple hand stamp, to a wrist band, to an elaborate ID card. Make sure you get all the details.
If the tag is a hand stamp, you are luck. Hand stamps are very easy to forge. Most are single color, black, blue, or red. Maybe green or an off color, but nothing really unusual. Take note of the leaving person's stamp. Notice the size and placement. Be sure you know which hand is stamped. Most bars will only stamp a particular hand, so be careful you know which it is. Take note the "smearage" of the stamp. If the stamp on the person's hand is smudged a lot, that is good. If it is well defined, that means that the ink they are using dries and stays fast well. In this case a ball point pen is needed. You should be carrying a set of colored pens in the car, ball point and felt tip. After you got a good look at the person's stamp, try to re-create the stamp on your hand the best you can. If it is a box shape, try to make it the closest to the original size that you can. If the stamp on the person was smeared a lot, then use a felt tip pen. After you and your friends have drawn the stamps on yourselves, rub them lightly on a piece of cloth, so that they blur. No stamp given by a bar is perfect, and if they expect it to stay perfect while you are bumping up against people in the bar, they are crazy. If you think your stamps look good, then you are ready to enter the bar. When the bouncer checks for stamps, the light isn't usually good. They also usually have a different bouncer checking stamps than ID's, so then this bouncer might be more inside the club where there isn't as much light. Also, the fact that there is usually a line of people getting back in with stamps means that the bouncer will just glance at your hand, not really soaking up the details in the stamp. Most of the time that I have tried this, I have simply walked past the bouncer, and flagged the back of my hand with a "I gotta stamp...", and am returned with a grunt and a nod. Only once have I been turned down with this method, and that's because we were all laughing at the bouncer. (It was a gay bar with gay employees.) Once you are inside, you are home free. If you want to leave, make sure that you rub off the false stamp and get a real stamp as you leave, so you will be able to get back in for sure. Also, something good to do if you are at the bar very late, or if there just aren't too many people in the bar, and that is to try to steal the stamp. Most bars carry several of the same stamps, and the only difference between nights is that they change the color of the ink. My friends and I have a collection of 7 stamps from area clubs, all which work 100 percent. All we have to do is find out what color the ink is for that night and we are in.
Ok, enough with the stamps... what if the tag is wristbands. Well, that's simple. If you see someone leaving, ask for theirs. If they aren't planning on coming back that night, they will gladly give it to you. Keep a safety pin with you, because the bands usually tear when taken off. When you get a band, keep it. You can use it some other time. The bars and clubs do rotate bands, so after a while you will have sevifferent colors. Many bars use these bands so they can be used in several different places. If there is a bar logo on the stamp, just make sure that if you use it in a different bar that you turn the band around so that the bouncer won't see the logo. Make sure you save these wristbands because they aren't only used by bars, but many other things, which I will talk about later.
Now..ID cards, some exclusive bars have ID cards, which are hard to duplicate. The best way to get one, is to steal one someone leaving the bar. Simple as that. Can you handle it? There are very few bars that use this method, so I don't think I need to get into detail. Just use your head.
Once in the bar... when you get in you wanna drink, and who wants to pay for drinks? A very simple thing to do is find a long stretch of bar table, in a dark section of the bar, and sit down, squeeze in, what ever you have to do. Try to position yourself next to someone who is really drunk. It is also good if people are fa ay from the bar towards the dance floor, or live band, whatever is going on at that particular bar.
Now, keep your eye on the bar. Watch for when someone sitting down orders a drink. It helps if the bar is really busy, because the bartenders will be running around like mad dogs with their dicks cut off. Most drunk people are so worried about drinking they order then slap their money down, then forget about the drink. If you have a chance, try to swipe the bill they lay on the table, or if it is more than one bill, take just half. Then when the bartender comes with the drinks they will ask the patron for the money. They should be drunk enough to think that they actually didn't put any money down, or didn't get enough money out of their pocket.
Ok, besides money to buy drinks, why not just take drinks? If the guy (or girl) you are seated next to is REALLY wasted, just slide their drink away from them when they first order it. Replace a rum and coke with just a coke, they shouldn't be able to tell the difference. If they order multiple drinks for friends and such, then take one. If you aren't scared of germs, take their drink after they've taken a sip. A lot of drunk people will drink a little bit of their drink then set it down and forget about it. If it is hard liquor you shouldn't be worried about germs, the alcohol should kill them. Beer, I am not too sure of, it doesn't contain too much alcohol as opposed to a vodka martini. It should be safe though, especially if they only took a sip from it. If you have a glass that you know is clean, reach over and dump half of their drink into your glass. Then they will feel proud that they could drink so fast, and order another drink. The drunker people get, the more the drinks will flow into one another, and soon they won't be sure of exactly what they ordered, and won't notice a missing cocktail here and there.
It sounds easy, it is easy. One important note, don't try this in a biker bar or one that you could easily get into a brawl in. A drink isn't worth your life. Another good way of getting free drinks works well in gay bars. You may not like the idea of going into a gay bar, but in my experience I haven't had a bad time in one. The gay people can tell if you are not gay, and leave you alone. Never have I been picked up on in a gay bar, and have even met a few girls in them (yes REAL girls, not prefab girls). The reason why these bars are good targets for free drinks is the fact that most of the gay people are in a good mood there, they are with people that they can get along with, and they don't like to cause, or be a part of any trouble. You can easily use this to your advantage. Order, steal, or somehow get your hands on a pitcher of beer, full, half full, or almost empty. Walk around with this pitcher. When you see a good target with his (her??) back to you, turn your back and bump into them, spilling anything that you had in the pitcher. If it wasn't much beer, act like it was full. Don't get mad or aggressive, just get sorrowful. Make them feel bad that they knocked the beer out of your hands. They should offer to buy you another, if not suggest to them that they should. Don't be too forceful, they will catch on if you are a dick to them. I have never encountered a homosexual that would not buy another pitcher of beer for me and my friends when this is used. When they do get you one, offer them a glass, be nice to them, they may buy you another. One important note, when in a gay bar, and a gay person seems to be making any kind of advance towards you or seems overly kind, just tell them that you aren't gay. They won't be offended, and they may even buy you a drink (our goal). They like to be treated like normal people, so if you are friendly to ones that kick your pitcher, they may be buying you pitchers all night long, as long as you are nice to them, and remember, all you have to do is tell them that you aren't gay. Well enough with the alternative lifestyles class haa ...
Until the depths of morage ... and reebage
Well this concludes this part in the soon to be continuing series of Learning to Bernstein files. Part 2: Professional Bernsteining shall come very soon. Look for it, I should have it done within hours of this one actually. It will cover major event hoarking, like Disney World, Busch Gardens, Six Flags, etc, and things like sporting events, and even an additional chapter: "My Superbowl Hoark"
As always, you can distribute this file as much as you like, but ONLY IN IT'S ENTIRETY with all credits and all of EVERYTHING like it is now. Please don't disrupt the format, or I shall disrupt your genetic inheritance. Thank you.
Finished 4/19/1989 at 5:15pm
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