The Discordant Opposition Journal Issue 11 - File 1
mulletwatch 2001
good evening, you're watching KXTL's live coverage of mulletwatch 2001. i'm fwaggle, i'll be your host for this evening's proceedings. it has come to our attention that there are an alarming number of mullets still roaming loose out there. thought to be annihilated during the late 80's, the mullet is back in force now.
what is a mullet?
a mullet is a haircut from over 20 years ago, which became "uncool" during the late 80's. it is where the hairs at the back of the head are left to grow uncut, and the hair at the side and front of the hair are cut short. as you can imagine, it looks ridiculous.
the "femmullet"
ever elusive, the femmullet is simply a female version of the mullet. normally accompanied by a wrinkles and a lack of dental care, the femmullet makes for a particularly terrifying package when you wake up next to one after a hard night drinking. while not perhaps as common as the standard mullet, the femmullet is every bit as ridiculous, and should be carefully monitored as they are the breeding force behind young mullets, otherwise known as "junior mcmullets".
where do mullets live?
if you are going mullet hunting, you should concentrate your efforts on areas that are popular among the following demographic groups:
- white trash - the mullet is the signature haircut of america's under privileged trailer parkers
- middle-aged mexican men - unfortunately, it doesn't appear as though they know any better. what's worse, they actually seem to think that it helps them pull chicks. the mullets appear to manifest some kind of mind control.
- war veterans - sad but true. it appears that a mullet could perhaps be a side effect of shell shock. or perhaps this is a final breath of relaxation for the hair, compared to the strict "buzz-cut" regime of the armed forces? who knows.
for this reason, one must concentrate on areas these people hang out in. trailer parks would be the premier place to go find mullets. take a polaroid or digital camera with you next time you go to a hick village, and if you wait quietly enough, a mullet just may cross your path.
what can we do about them?
it would seem as though our options are very limited now. our constant bombardment of ridicule just doesn't appear to be denting the robust exoskeleton that surrounds the mullet society.
i believe that we need to start an education project in our public schools. explaining to the "junior mcmullets" why their haircut is unsafe for society as we know it could perhaps work before the haircut buries itself too deep into the brain could perhaps work. possibly, while the mullet is in it's infancy, it's mind control abilities may be limited. we can only hope.
the older mullets and femmullets? well all we can really do is wait patiently for them to make themselves extinct. if we can eliminate the next generation of mullets, then we may just stand a chance at eliminating this monstrosity.
closing
in closing, we need to be aware that the mullet is an actual threat, and not merely a ruse to be used to provide entertainment in boring situations. do your part, and document any mullet activity in your area, and report it to the central mullet control agency in washington DC, by calling (800) 86 MULLET or faxing documented mullet activity to (800) MULETFAX.
fwaggle
'01
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