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/ \+------ _| ) | |(_|(_|(_|_ .net------/ )----.-' `./-/ \
/ / ( |__, ( ( ,' `/ /|
\ / "A Biased Guide to \ `-" \'\ / |
\ Australian Politics (Election Diary)" `. , \ \ / |
Y-------- ----------/`. ,'-`----Y |
/ by AlterEcho ( ; mEoW!@/| '
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|____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __) |__\ `.___________|/
`--' `--'
[Thursday, November 7, 2001]
So, I was talking to Canadian friend of mine the other day - Bu Joe,
of Destruction of Civilisation fame - and I indicated to him that this
Saturday, all of us Aussie adults would be taking to the polls for our
federal election. To my surprise, he had no idea that we would in fact
hopefully be replacing our current pathetic government with something a
little bit less, umm what's the word? - fucked up.
But since I'm really a tolerant person, I reckon I should give you a
quick run down of the six major parties running the election. Take it away,
AlterEcho!
Australian Labour Party
=======================
Three years ago, at the last election, the ALP was marginally screwed
out of victory, despite receiving the largest portion of the primary vote.
This time round, it looks like their luck hasn't changed. The ALP has gone
from an unbackable favourite to an uncertain struggler in just under three
months. With the sudden rush of boat people to our shores and the `War
Against Terrorism' as it is known, independent polling shows the uneducated
hoi polloi leaving the Labour Party in droves to hop into bed with the
Liberal Party.
Still, the Labour Party has focused heavily on domestic issues,
including their two favourites - health and education - with a firm emphasis
on the latter. But really, what else was there for the ALP leader -
affectionately known as Jabba the Hutt - to campaign about, with the Labour
and Liberal parties adopting a bi-partisan approach to international issues.
Liberal Party of Australia
==========================
While the leader of the opposition suffers under curse of Jabba, the
current Prime Minister can't be said to be doing much better. `Old Eyebrows'
is the face of the Liberal party, and the current face of the nation. And
blimey, it's no wonder the country is going to the dogs.
With the co-alition of the Liberal party and the National party
narrowly reinstated at the last election, Old Eyebrows took that as a
ringing endorsement of his proposed GST. And yes, it cannot be doubted that
the introduction of the new tax was a huge success. Why, the number of
small businesses that went bankrupt! The mountains and mountains of
paperwork! The amazing bias it showed towards those in the upper tax
brackets!
Verily, I salute the Liberal Party of Australia!
It appears that the GST took all of the government's creativity and
brain power, because this time around, the Liberal's ain't got NO policies.
Oh, sorry, I believe they're throwing money at the old folk and young
families. And hey, I almost believed that they cared.
National Party of Australia
===========================
Ah, the Liberal party's bedfellows. The Nationals run exclusively in
regional areas and campaign strongly for improvements to services in the
bush, but really, you just get the feeling that the Liberals are happy to
get the free seats. We definitely know who's wearing the pants in that
relationship. Sure, the deputy PM might be the leader of the National
party, but that's like saying that the Kangaroos almost finished in the
top half of the AFL ladder last season. It means Scottish Football
Association.
Australian Democrats
====================
You get the feeling that the Democrats are really gonna suffer this
time round. Despite holding the balance of power in the Senate, they
allowed the GST to be implemented after backing down on a number of
amendments.
And despite a new (and rather sexy leader), it seems doubtful that
the public has forgotten that the Democrats failed to do what they always
promised - to keep the bastards honest.
Australian Greens
=================
If people weren't a bunch of arrogant fuckfaces, everyone would be
voting Greens. While this may be as much a description as you need, let me
elaborate. The Greens believe in social justice and environmentalism.
Unfortunately, this kind of hippy, tree-hugging crap just doesn't cut it
in today's society.
One Nation
==========
Well, I wouldn't exactly say that One Nation was a major party, but
they sure warrant a mention. One Nation is the true redneck party. If
you like guns, don't like blacks or Asians, and you're currently fucking
your sister, One Nation is for YOU! (No wonder they poll so well in
Queensland.)
Despite being plagued by legal problems and a general lack of any
sort of brain power (I believe their fiscal policy reads something like
this: "Print more money"), the scariest thing is that the distinction
between this party and the Liberal party grows more indistinct than ever.
And all I got to say about that is: "Please explain?"
The Verdict
===========
Well, that's my wrap-up of the parties. I think I kept my own
personal opinions out of that dissertation, but I would like to say that if
you do vote for the Liberal party I will personally hunt you down and err,
do something nasty to you. Yeah.
Well, here's what the people who know (ie. me) think about the result
on Saturday. Fingers crossed for the Democrats or Greens to hold the
balance of power in the Upper House, with Labour winning by a couple of
eyebrow hairs. I've got a few bad feelings, but hey, I've always been a
paranoid git.
[*****]
[Saturday, November 11, 2300 hours]
Well, from the sounds of the television in the next room, Jabba the
Hutt has conceded defeat. Once again, the WCW Alliance has triumphed over
the WWF, and boy, does that suck. They say it's not a democracy if the
people voting are uninformed, but don't quote me on that, because I haven't
done much study for my Constitutional Law exam on Monday. Please, someone
kill me before Old Eyebrows takes to the microphone. Any of you people
lucky enough not to be Australian got spare rooms? Email me.
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`-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine by AlterEcho `-.^.-'
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